The people who make Jif are trying to kill me.

This is one of those little things that just eats at my brain. Here's a jar of "Simply Jif" peanut butter. It contains slightly less sugar than regular Jif. It also contains a slightly huge problem.

There's only one thing that is "simply Jif"-- a jar of JIF!

The very moment you alter the Jif recipe in the tiniest, teeniest, eensie-weensiest way, it's no longer Jif. In fact, it's simply NOT Jif!

To all readers of The Sneeze who make Jif: feel free to call your new product "SIMPLER JIF" or "SLIGHTLY-LESS-SWEET JIF" OR "PRETENDING IT'S SKIPPY JIF" but please stop calling it "SIMPLY JIF." Not just because it's silly, but because you're giving me an ulcer.

Is there a National Peanut Butter Council? I'm filing a complaint. This is lunacy!

And I need to start drinking simply decaf.

The day I put up the Simply Jif post I forwarded a copy to the Jif people, but they didn't write back. So I sent the following dopey and urgent group email to The Peanut Advisory Board, Peanut Grower Magazine, aboutpeanuts.com and The National Peanut Board.

4/11/05

Dear Peanut Experts,

I'm writing to you regarding a new peanut butter product called "Simply Jif." It contains slightly less sugar than regular Jif. It also contains a serious problem.

The very moment you alter the Jif recipe in the tiniest, teeniest, eensie-weensiest way, it's no longer JIf. In fact, it's simply NOT Jif!

Jif peanut butter is one of the "Big Two." They should be setting an example for the peanut industry - not causing confusion! They could call this product "SIMPLER JIF" or "SLIGHTLY-LESS-SWEET JIF" or "PRETENDING-TO-BE-SKIPPY JIF"-- anything but "SIMPLY JIF."

I'm confident that together we can do something to correct this issue. Obviously we are dealing in your area of expertise, so I'll respectfully let you carry the ball. Just let me know how you'd like to proceed.

Sincerely,
Steve
Peanut Butter Enthusiast

It's odd, but for some reason I didn't hear back from any of them either. If I don't get a response today, I'll write again.

UPDATE: I did hear back from Peanut Grower's Magazine. I'll post it in the A.M. along with my stupid follow-up email I had prepared to send them all.

Two days ago I sent a silly email to the Peanut Advisory Board, Peanut Grower Magazine, aboutpeanuts.com and The National Peanut Board regarding my issues with Simply Jif.

None of them wrote back, so I started to write this 2nd email to them:

Dear Peanut Experts,

I am writing to you all again regarding the Simply Jif situation. To say I'm not disappointed in the lack of response would be a lie. I really thought I could count on you guys. I guess I'll have to take matters regarding Simply Jif into my own hands.

That's why I've decided to form my OWN peanut council. I call it The Peanut Pals. Would you like to be among the founding members? TOO LATE! You had your chance. Now step aside and watch The Peanut Pals do our thing and take care of this black eye on the peanut industry!

Steve
President, Peanut Pals

P.S. If you have any suggestions for me, that would be great. I don't know so much about the peanut industry.

Before I could send it, the editor of Peanut Grower Magazine ended my fun by writing back and being all nice and helpful. Here's her response to the initial email:

Dear Steven:
Thank you so much for your e-mail, but more importantly, your love of peanut butter. I hope that you continue to eat peanut butter as part of a healthy diet.

As for the name "Simply Jif," the J.M. Smucker Co., owners of the Jif-brands of peanut butter, decides product names and can call it whatever they want. I am certain they do extensive consumer testing to come up with just the right names for their products. Although it may not be gramatically correct or completely accurate in its portrayal of the product, it is catchy and I doubt that the Food and Drug Administration would rule that it was false advertising.

Again, keep enjoying Mother Nature's vitamin pill -- the beloved peanut.

Amanda Huber
The Peanut Grower magazine

Some people are pro-life, some people are pro-choice. Amanda is pro-peanut. If you'd like to learn more about the beloved peanut she suggests you check out: www.peanutbutterlovers.com, www.nationalpeanutboard.org and http://peanut-institute.org.

Official PEANUT PALS membership certificates are now available. Click here for your special suitable-for-framing-and-cherisihing PDF file certificate.