Reviews You Can Use: My Mom

momReviews You Can Use #1: MY MOM

I've known my mom my whole life. I don't remember a whole lot before age three, but considering that time includes messing around with her boobies, I'm probably better off.

She is an incredibly nice lady and has always been there for me, even during all the days when I acted like a little asshole. Lucky for me, I grew up during a time when many parenting experts came out against hitting chldren. And I'm sure she would have heeded that advice, had she not been busy beating my ass with a wooden spoon at the time. (Don't be alarmed, it was well-deserved.)

She did put up with a ton of crap from me, the least of which included begging her to sit through Bad News Bears: Breaking Training in the theater... TWO DAYS IN A ROW. My poor, poor mom.

- Very sweet
- Puts other people first
- Patient

- Gets cranky when she doesn't eat
- Too many allergies
- Not the best cook

Bottom Line: You only get one mom, and I love mine.

Final Grade: A-

Click here to follow me on Twitter!

Click here for The Sneeze homepage.
By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

Wonder Twin Powers: Activate! Form of Toothpaste!

toothpaste twinsThe Olsen Twins movie "New York Minute" opened this past weekend, and along with it grows the hype that they are about to turn 18.

It's pretty comical just how much of a big deal guys are making about that. I've even seen countdowns on some websites ticking off the days until they are "legal." I think it's sad how quickly people can't wait to officially objectify and sexualize them.

As usual, The Sneeze chooses to take the high road and instead, offers this humble review of the girls' toothpaste...

Olsen Twins toothpaste is made by Aqua-fresh, comes in a convient pump, and is available in "Cool Bubble" flavor. Giving in to my growing desire, I tore at the plastic that covered the tube. As I ran my hands over the body of the Olsen Twins' container, it felt smooth and firm beneath my fingertips.

I gently tugged at the pump, slowly at first, but then with increasing speed. I could sense the toothpaste tremble within. It was as if the tube didn't want me to stop. With only a few more deliberate pumps, the Olsen Twins toothpaste exploded all over my toothbrush.

It was now time to brush, and my mouth ached with desire. The Olsen Twins toothpaste tingled as it met the tip of my tongue. It tasted sweet. Seconds drifted into minutes. I lost track of time as I thought about the plaque I was removing while I brushed in rhythmic motion. The Olsen Twins toothpaste and I had formed a union, and we were now as one.

My pulse raced, and the bathroom began to spin. When I thought I couldn't take one second more my entire body shuddered, and I finally spit. I had never spit so hard in my life.

I stood in the dim light of the bathroom and held the tube of Olsen Twins toothpaste tenderly. In all my years of brushing, the Olsen Twins toothpaste was the best I've ever had.

Olsen Twins "Bubble Cool" toothpaste is available wherever fine oral products are sold.

Final Grade: A+

Click here to follow me on Twitter!

Click here for The Sneeze homepage.
By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

Reviews You Can Use: Identical Twins

The concept of identical people is an intriguing one. Unfortunately, I know more than one set of these so-called "identical" twins, and I can always tell them apart. They don't even have the same first names-- identical my sack. It's just another lie we've been fed, like the existence of the "Loch Ness Monster" or "Cuba."

If an egg is going to go to the trouble of splitting, and DNA is going to go through the trouble of being shared, I don't think it's too much to ask of two people to simply be the same person. Nowadays twins don't even have the common courtesy to dress alike. I've met ones that won't even finish each other's sentences. The only thing they do have in common is an irritating urge to be individuals.

And what about that junk where one twin gets hurt and the other twin somehow feels it. Two of my oldest dearest friends, Mark and Pete, are "identical" twins. As a test, I ran over Mark's head with my Honda. His twin brother didn't feel a thing. He just went about his day without a care in the world. Sure, I enjoyed that satisfying POP you can only get from a skull under your tires, but the guy was one of my best friends! Now he's gone! And what's worse is, he used to get me the best presents.

Gee, it sure would be nice if there was a person out there who could take his place. Someone, I don't know... "identical" to him? What a minute, I've got it! I can get Mark's identical twin brother... and make him scour the globe for a suitable replacement.

- Excellent concept
- Hot twin sisters = extra hot

- They're not identical

Bottom Line: Great idea, poorly executed.

Final Grade: C+

Click here to follow me on Twitter!

Click here for The Sneeze homepage.
By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

Reviews You Can Use: My Friend Anthony

I've known my friend Anthony for over 10 years. He's definitely what you would call a "really good guy." I would trust him with my own children, he's funny and we like a lot of the same bands.

He has been playing around with some online dating sites recently, and I salute him for writing one of the greatest profile headlines ever: "I'm like John Cusack and a unicorn, rolled into one." Absolutely brilliant! (Even though he didn't take my suggestion to make his dating screenname "Manthony.")

Anthony also snores like a possessed freak. Now matter how hard you think you've heard anyone snore (including in cartoons), Anthony is louder. If I'd try to recreate it, I'd hurt myself. He also has high-cholesterol, which goes up even when he watches his diet. He takes Lipitor for it, which is kind of cool only because Lipitor sounds like a fat-fighting superhero.

- Smart
- Funny
- Trustworthy

- Sunburns way too easily
- High-cholesterol
- Car always dirty
- Never wraps my presents

Bottom Line: I consider Anthony one of my best friends, and I'm lucky to know him.

Final Grade: B+

UPDATE 3/3/2007 I have received the following request from Anthony...

"I hearby submit my request to have my "Review You Can Use" reviewed and amended. My comic snoring has been cured -- it's not even mildly amusing anymore -- and I now keep my car much cleaner. Unfortunately my cholesterol has reached a career high of 286, despite my Lipitor being raised to 40 mg and my weight down to a svelte 172."

Duly noted, Anthony. I will adjust your review accordingly:

- Sunburns way too easily
- Non-Comic snoring
- High-cholesterol
- Never wraps my presents
-Makes me go back in and tweak things I wrote 2 years ago

Final Grade: B

Previous Reviews:
Identical Twins
My mom

Click here to follow me on Twitter!

Click here for The Sneeze homepage.
By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

marginally more

Apples, pennies and herpes rank high among the disappointing items you can receive on Halloween. This week I found one more I'd like to add to the list: "New MEGA M&MS."

When I first heard about them, I thought "Wow, what a great idea! Huge M&Ms!"

And just look at the packaging. They're so massively gigantic, only 6 of them fit on the bag! Oh, doctor!

I now present to you an ordinary m&m side-by-side wth a new "mega" m&m.

* * *

What the mega F?

* * *

I know it's silly, but in my head I had visions of holding an M&M with two hands and biting into it like a sandwich.

Maybe taking one on a picnic and sharing it with my wife. Then feeding the leftovers to squirrels and bums.

Oh well. I guess I can dream. And at least now I know how little it takes to be "mega."

Boy, I can't wait to give my wife a dose of my mega dong tonight.

Click here to follow me on Twitter!

Click here for The Sneeze homepage.
By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

Taste the Rainbow of Frustration

It has been my experience that when a cute girl is flirting heavily with you and then she takes her shirt off, you are about to do sex.

This, however, is not the case at strip clubs and it's part of my problem with them.

I'm especially not a fan of the mostly-naked girls talking to the patrons. To me, engaging in a conversation with women and their nipples who are only interested in my money, is a weird and frustrating experience. I'm fully aware that they are doing this flirting to get more money. But when it's happening, all I can think about is that I know this flirting is fake, but they don't really know that I know the flirting is fake. And how dare they think I'm just a gullible idiot who doesn't understand the flirting is fake?

My friends say I'm overthinking. That it doesn't matter that it's fake. That I should just relax and enjoy it. That when you go to Disneyland and see Mickey Mouse walking around, you know he's not real either, but it's still good to see him.

That all makes sense, but I still feel like I'm going to a restaurant and paying to smell the steak. Luckily I love my wife and once you get married you're no longer attracted to any other woman anyway (especially Jessica Alba), so none of this is really an issue.

But what I'm really trying to say here is, I don't like the new Skittles Gum.

Skittles gum has perfectly replicated the Skittles experience. Except you can't eat them.

They are the same shape and size of real Skittles. The flavor is identical to real Skittles. And even though it's gum, the texture is still bizarrely close to real Skittles. The whole thing is like candy torture.

I tried convincing myself that they are brilliant. That they're the closest thing to an Everlasting Gobstopper, like Skittles that just last a really long time. Except that every two chews, all I want to do is swallow it.

I think when I want to "taste the rainbow" I'll stick to real Skittles. And not Skittles gum: the strippers of candy.

Here are more Reviews You Can Use.

Click here to follow me on Twitter!

Click here for The Sneeze homepage.
By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive