There's one thing I can't stand: fruit that refuses to mind its own business.

Which is why I was understandably concerned when my wife brought home this container of Ready Pac "Meddlin' Melons".

The American Heritage Dictionary defines "meddling" as:
1. To intrude into other people's affairs or business; interfere.
2. To handle something idly or ignorantly; tamper.

I have sent the following email to the appropriate people at Ready Pac and await their answer.

Dear Sirs,

I'm writing about your fresh-cut fruit product, "Meddlin' Melons."

I recently enjoyed a big bowl of it (nice chunk-size!), but what I'd really love to know is what kind of trouble these melons were getting themselves into.

They didn't keep foiling crimes at the Ready Pac warehouse, did they? I only ask because at the end of Scooby Doo, some guy would always get his mask pulled off and say "And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids!" (I realize this is unlikely.)

Now, rather than be someone who just points out problems, I also come to you armed with solutions. So, here is a list of new melon mix names you can use (completely free of charge.)

Minglin' Melons

Medley O' Melons

Melon Mélange (that's french for "mixture". only fancy!)

Mo' Melons, Mo' Betta

Melon Ready! (great tie-in potential with songstress Helen Reddy!!)

and last but not least...

I'm Smellin' Melons!

Please get back to me and let me know which name you're going with. I'd also love to hear how you came up with the whole Meddlin' name to begin with.

Yours in Honeydew,
Steve

I'll let you all know as soon as I receive a reply.

By request from my friend Kevin at Forgotten NY, here is a special Christmas post from 2 years ago...

My four-year-old didn't ask for much this Christmas. His main request was a little scooter "with a horn so people will know I'm coming." He even drew a picture of it in his letter to Santa.

The fat man came through with the scooter, and being the awesome Daddy, I helped out by going to Toys 'R Us to get the horn. It's pretty funny to see this big ol' bike horn mounted on this little scooter.

It seems so obvious now, but the boy totally set me up. How could I not realize the horrendous combination of "7:30 Christmas morning" and "Bike horn?"

Under the guise of cute, my son had hatched his plan for the loudest Christmas ever and succeeded. He even used me as a pawn to make it happen.

I have created a special sound bite just for you. This is not a re-enactment. This is actual audio of my horn-filled Christmas morning pulled from our video camera. (To truly enjoy the experience as I did, I suggest you turn up your speakers as loud as they can possibly go. And play it over and over.)

_{(or download an mp3)}

Note how the official little brother babbles something in between the honking. He's speaking in Baby, but it loosely translates to "Ha ha!!! You wanted us and now you will pay! This is what you get for having sex with Mommy!!!"

The boy has a point. In the future I'm going to attach the horn to my weiner to warn my wife when I'm coming.

Let me be a cautionary tale, guys. Don't get your kids noisy presents. Get them something quiet like pillows or a nice omelet.

(But for what it's worth, they still ride that scooter all the time.)