Good news and bad news.

The slide whistle arrived. But of all the things it does well, sliding is not one of them.

I contacted the company and they told me to try and spray some Pam in it. That didn't help, but at least it smells more buttery. And if I want to make a small, thin tube-shaped cake, I'm all set.

They then said something about making arrangments for me to send it back. This company doesn't seem to understand that I need to regale you people with holiday tunes BEFORE the holidays are over. This means I may have to brave the Los Angeles winter next week and go find one on my own.

This "song whistle" is made by the American Plating Co. I'm going to assume they mean metal plating, and not the plating where someone lies under a glass table while someone else takes a dump over their face.

Although that's closer to how I felt when I realized the slide whistle was broken.

The good news is the box plainly says: "IT IS AS EASY TO PLAY IT AS TO WHISTLE OR HUM A TUNE. YOU CAN PLAY ANY POPULAR TUNE WITH ONLY FIVE MINUTES PRACTICE."

So once I get a working one, I'm only going to practice with it for precisely five minutes before my big recital for you all.

Last week I posted the traditional horrendous O Holy Night song over here.

Eric at Zombies Comic took that and animated a zombie belting it out. Here's the email he sent me...

Hey there, Steve!

I don’t know whether to thank you or curse you. You brought back the “Holy Night” song. I had completely forgotten it. It brings tears to my eyes. Both from the pain and from joy. You know the kind… “so bad, its good…”

I’ve been planning to start working on a zombie subproject called ‘Just Add Zombies’. The basic idea is to take existing things and make them better (or worse) by adding zombies.

The audio from “Holy Night” was a good opportunity to build something quick around the idea. So if you like your auditive pain supplemented with a dose of undead, you might find the following entertaining:

You can find it here.

Cheers!

Eric

Thanks, Eric! Great job!

Congratulations to Andrew, Nicole, Will, Colleen and Michael. They won the bacon wallets. (If you didn't already hear from me, you're not the Andrew, Nicole, Will, Colleen or Michael I'm talking about.)

It turns out that our pals at Archie McPhee (the bacon wallet providers) ran out of them the day the contest started here. So they are more rare and sought after than ever.

Please visit Archie McPhee and load up on some weirdness and fun for the holidays! You can find them at www.mcphee.com.

Thanks to everybody for entering the contest!

Our pals at Archie McPhee have provided 5 kick-ass bacon wallets to be given away. Behold the porky splendor!

How many times have you ruined your clothes carrying around real raw bacon? I'll tell you how many. Too many!

Imagine how cool you'll be when you pull this out of your pants. And they're yours to win in The Sneeze Tell-A-Friend Contest.

The rules to enter are stupid easy:

Just email a friend about The Sneeze, and CC me on it at wallet@thesneeze.com

(Remember to CC me at wallet@thesneeze.com, or I won't know you entered.)

The deadline is this tomorrow night, Tuesday 12/12/06 at 9pm PST, when I'll pick 5 winners completely at random.

Never before has it been so easy to safeguard your cash with simulated pork. So get those emails started, yo!

If you're thinking, "Steve, I already told all my friends about The Sneeze!" That's great! Now tell your enemies and assorted nemeses!

"But Steve, I told them too!" No problem! Tell 2 strangers and Pam Dawber!

And if you're worried about spam, don't be. These emails are only being viewed and used by me to contact the winners of this contest and for no other purposes ever. I cross my heart and everything.

These Bacon Wallets have been generously donated by one of my favorite suppliers of happiness to the world: Archie McPhee. (So, please show them some clicky-love right now and check out the toys, novelties and assorted weirdness they have to offer!)