My four-year-old has started writing his own jokes. They're hilarious.

They are also completely unfunny in every way. But they sound like jokes, and he really sells the punchlines hard, which makes them all that much funnier.

Here's his first joke. If you have a speaking engagement coming up, feel free to loosen up the crowd with this little zinger...

(HIGHLIGHT TO REVEAL ANSWER)

Q: "Why did the boy jump into the pile of peanuts?"

A: "He wanted to play soccer!!!"

I'll admit it's a bit of a thinker, but with this joke you will kill. Kill!

I guarantee it.

Once the crowd is begging for more, follow up with this other joke he wrote, then sit back and wait for the laughter to die down. (That is if the crowd isn't already carrying you off on their shoulders to buy you beer and sex.):

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Q: "Why did the man throw a stick of butter at the ceiling fan?"

A: " He wanted the blades to stop turning!"

HEE HEE HAW HAW HO HO HEE!!!

Ha Ha Ha!

hee.

You see the ceiling fan... and the butter...

Fuck you, he's four.

A while ago my wife and I happened to be hugging and my 4-year-old demanded to know why.

My wife said something along the lines of, "That's what married people do sometimes."

Tonight we were all in the bathroom getting my son ready to go in the tub. My wife was exhausted and rested her head on my shoulder, so I gave her a hug. Little naked man looks up with a giant smile and says...

"YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED! IN THE BATHROOM!!!" Then he started giggling hysterically.

It was really funny and really adorable. We were all laughing at that point, and he adds, "Heh heh heh. YOU TWO LOOK LIKE LOVERS! HA HA HA!"

Like what now?

I have absolutely no clue where that came from, but it's okay. What's more entertaining than a 4-year-old who is occasionally 58?

On a side note, several of you wrote in telling me you loved the "jokes" he's been writing, so here's a new one from the other day.

Like last time, just highlight the answer to make it visible. (And remember that he really sells these punchlines hard, as if he's telling the funniest joke in history.) I don't even understand the question on this one.

Q: What begins with a lumber catcher and a truck?

A: "They both make a sawmill!!!"

Of course they do. Now I want to go hug that little goof. But then we'd be married.

First, a wireless router contest update...

I received so many great essays-- thanks to everybody who sent one in. I'll be sorting through them over the next few days to try and whittle down the pile. Next week I'll start posting my favorites and everyone can vote on them to determine the ultimate winner.

Second, since a bunch of you seem to enjoy my 4-year-old's "jokes," I'll leave you with this one. Coming off his recent string of surreal insane ones, I'm almost sad to post this one since it kinda makes sense.

Nevertheless, enjoy... (and as usual, HIGHLIGHT THE ANSWER TO REVEAL IT.)

Q: "What did the meatball say to the spoon?"

A: "Give me back my face."

Happy Yuletide, Yo!

Here's a special Christmas joke, courtesy of the boy. He continues to shake things up -- this time faking me out with a question that I thought was leading to an obvious answer. Needless to say, he took a different road on the punchline.

(HIGHLIGHT ANSWER TO REVEAL.)

Q: "Why does Santa have 3 gardens?"

A: "Because he has 4 kitchens and he likes to cook HARD!"

Have a great holiday, guys.

From infected corn to burnt...

I hereby declare today international "Tanna Blattler Appreciation Day!"

Tanna was the lovely lady who won the eBay auction for the popcorn meteor. In addition to receiving the mousepad and bumper sticker, Tanna had also asked if my son would write a joke for the winning bidder -- which he did. (He actually came up with two - both popcorn themed.)

If you're out of the loop, I have posted a few of my son's "jokes" before, like here, here, and here. They seem to have developed a bit of a following.

I had created a special secret password protected webpage just for Tanna to enjoy her personal jokes, and then received the sweetest email:

Hey Steve,

Thanks for sending the meteorite package so promptly!

I also loved the jokes as well, and feel too selfish to keep them to myself-if you would like to share them with the masses, please be my guest!

The first joke is particularly spectacular-worn out! Har hoo hoo hee! I just absolutely dig it! The second joke is also a classic-I'm thinking my 4 year old nephew will appreciate it immensely!

The meteorite arrived safely in one large, crispy, stinky chunk. Thanks so much for sending it with so much care. I'm also happy to boast about being the proud owner of my very own bumper sticker and mouse pad too-and I can now say to the masses, "HA! I have a mouse pad, and you don't!"

Life is good :)

Have a great day, and thanks again for making me so happy,

Tanna

Here are the two jokes specifically "written" for Tanna, which she would now like to share with the world:

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Q: "Why did the popcorn get worn out?"

A: "Because nobody ate it!!!"

And here's a free bonus joke since he was on a roll:

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Q: "Why did the popcorn get in the khakis?"

A: " To make the flies go away!"

If at any point today you are given thanks for anything, feel free to say "Don't thank me. Thank Tanna Blattler!"

Regular readers of The Sneeze probably know that the "jokes" my 5-year-old son writes have become something of a fixture around here. I always get emails whenever I post one, so I've decided to make them a regular feature.

I present to you now the first in his latest batch of...

JOKES FROM THE BOOSTER SEAT
(featuring Invisi-Punchline^tm technology!)

(HIGHLIGHT ANSWER TO REVEAL)

Q: "What did the worm say to the army?"

A: "Get shootin'!!"

Unless you started coughing up blood from laughing too hard, you'll be happy to know there's plenty more where that came from. And remember, he really sells the punchlines hard, so be sure to do the same when you re-tell it at your next board meeting or job interview!

It's time once again to enjoy the comedic stylings of my son. So sit back, relax, and get ready to laugh until your bowels evacuate, thanks to some brand new...

(featuring Invisi-Punchline™ technology!)

(HIGHLIGHT ANSWERS TO REVEAL)

Q: "What did the chicken say to the TV?"

A: "Send over Mister Salami!"

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Q: "What do you get when you cross a sandwich, a person, and a car?"

A: "A flying sandwich pit!"

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Q: "What did the watermelon say to the giraffe?"

A: "Dale, I'm going to jail!"

It's time for yet another delightful batch of jokes from the boy to you...

(featuring Invisi-Punchline™ technology!)

(HIGHLIGHT ANSWERS TO REVEAL)

Q: "Why did the pickle go in his hot dog bun car?"

A: "Because he wanted to visit the wild!"

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Q: "What's the difference between a shuttle and a satellite?"

A: "Launching a satellite is really really fun!"

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Q: "What did 6 say into his cell phone?"

A: "Let me in my restaurant!"

Don't be sad.
Don't be blue.
Here's more jokes from my son to you people...

(featuring Invisi-Punchline™ technology!)

(HIGHLIGHT ANSWERS TO REVEAL)

Q: "What did the lemon say after he ate himself?"

A: "I really want to give all my taste!"

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Q: "Why did the squash get back in his tomato train?"

A: "Because he's always spotted with the cheese!"

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Q: "What did the What say to the What?"

A: "You wanna?!"