Patrick, Anthony and I used to do a now-defunct webzine. In one of our regular features, we made Anthony's 8-year-old brother our resident advice columnist. We could always count on him to give us bizarre and hilarious answers to questions he really had no business answering in the first place.

All the questions were sent in by readers, and the answers were transcribed verbatim from 8-year-old Michael...

Ask Dr. Michael

The following is the first of five Ask Dr. Michael installments to come. All the questions were sent in by readers, and the answers were transcribed verbatim from 8-year-old Michael...

Dear Dr. Michael,

I had made a blind date with a girl who was very nice on the phone, but then I found out she was fat and now I'm having second thoughts. Is this wrong? What should I do?

--Skinny and Scared

Dear Skinny,

I think you should cut off the date if you called her and you didn't know what she looked like. What you should do is buy a present for her and you say you're going to break the date and then if she doesn't understand you just keep talking and talking until she understands. Maybe you can get her a makeup kit, or something like that?

Tell her "Please, I just don't want to go out with you. I don't think this is right. I didn't know what you look like." But don't say you know she's fat. If she gets tough you'll have to say she's fat. If she gets mad and breaks the date then you won't have to even give her the present.

If you're just going out to lunch, that's not a date and you can do that. But some people might think it's weird that somebody that's so fat is with somebody so skinny. I wouldn't want you to be made fun of.

A fat woman and a skinny boy, ­that's weird! You might get hurt and she would too.

--Dr. Michael


Dear Dr. Michael,
My engine has been making a pinging sound. What do you think that is?

--Worried on Wheels

Dear Wheels,

It's just the engine or the gas. If there is a little something in the gas tube then just take it out. If it's something stuck in the motor you can get it out with something like pliers. It could be anything. Some crazy teenagers could have thrown stuff at the bottom of the car. But they only do this on Halloween.

--Dr. Michael

By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

Ask Dr. Michael - Vol. 2

Here is another classic dose of Dr. Michael from the annals of Stet. I had forgotten just how brilliant and refreshingly bizarre his answers could get.

All questions were sent in by readers, all answers were transcribed verbatim from 8-year-old Michael, and all hilarity ensued.

Dear Dr. Michael,

My wife and I want to move from the city in Canada where we live, to a country town that we enjoy very much. However, to move -- we would have to sell our place for a loss. Which is more important?


Dear Stuck,

This is what you should do - if you can. If you do have a job, you could ask your boss "Can you give me some higher work, even though I don't want it? Can you give me more money?"

If you don't have a job, get a really good job that will pay you good money. If you study up you can get the right money to get the house. You could be an art teacher or you could be in the U.S. Army. Wait... you can't be in the U.S. Army because you are in Canada.

Canada has lot of snow and I don't think you should stay there. Your house will get covered up in snow. You could move to a little town in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. I would prefer Gettysburg, because it has a lot of short towns and there are short houses and the blocks are always short.

-- Dr. Michael

Dear Dr. Michael,

I am a researcher with a big biotech company. Recently, because of protests from human rights groups, we've stopped doing tests on prision inmates. In order to compensate for this, my company has purchased hundreds of terribly deformed chickens for us to experiment on. This presents a moral delimma for me: is it alright to experiment on a chicken, especially one that has deformities?

--Confused about Chickens

Dear Confused,

I guess it's okay to do it on the chickens if there is something wrong with them and you're a doctor and the experiments will get them good. Or else, I think you should leave the chickens alone. If you do something wrong then the chickens would probably die.

You should try and test on robots or something. A robotic person that they use on Mars that walks around. You should get one of those that is mechanical but it has lungs in it. You could put the medicine in, and it has computer chips so if it malfunctions it's bad for you and if it doesn't malfunction it's good for you. You can get them from NASA or just get some scrap metal together. Then you could let the chickens go where you found them. And we shouldn't eat them.

I don't think you should do the experiments on prison inmates. I think if you do it to an inmate, even if he's just a prisoner and he doesn't have an alibi, and is going to be electrocuted, you shouldn't kill him off because YOU might go to jail.

Once I saw a kid that had an arm sticking out of his stomach, but I don't know where that kid lives. You would have to get the right I.D. and the right forms to fill out, and get the right address, and if it's alright with the parents and family members then you could experiment on him.

--Dr. Michael.

By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

Ask Dr. Michael - Vol. 3

Here is another vintage installment of Dr. Michael from the Stet archives.

(As usual-- all questions were sent in by readers, all answers were transcribed verbatim from 8-year-old Michael, and all hilarity ensued.)

Dear Dr. Michael,

I've been dating this girl for about six months and we got pretty serious rather quickly. I really like her, but all of a sudden she wants to slow down. I think she wants to date other people, or maybe she just isn't attracted to me.

When I confront her about it and suggest changing our relationship to a friendly one only, she tell me she still wants to date and that she is attracted to me. For the past six weeks though, our romantic involvement has been null. Should I stick with it or look for love somewhere else?

--Confused Crybaby

Dear Crybaby,

If she wants to date other guys and she is acting mean to you, I think you should wait until she gets really serious and firm. You can soften her up and say you don't want to go on dates with her anymore and say "You're a brat!"

If she gets mean, then cut the stuff. There are a lot of girls in college. A lot of good ones- like ones that wear make-up and always dress up!

Cut the other girl and get surrounded with all these other girls. Take out each one and once you like one take her back to the first girl and say "Well, I got a better one than you."

You can meet girls at work. A lot of girls go to the beauty salon. You can hang out on the wall and when girls come out you could say "Hey, how ya' doing?"

You could also get a dog shirt that says "I'm a dog," and when she comes out you can say "Bow wow WOW!"

--Dr. Michael

By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

Ask Dr. Michael - Vol. 4

Yet another vintage dose of Dr. Michael from the Stet vault.

(All questions were sent in by readers, all answers were transcribed verbatim from 8-year-old Michael, and all hilarity ensued.)

Dear Dr. Michael,

I have problems with money all the time. I owe so much money on my credit cards. I can't manage the money I make. What can I do?


Ok, VisaMan...that's a good name, I like that...because of the card...that's pretty cute.

Alright, you should only spend money on the things that are important, not like these new things for your television like Picture in Picture. You don't need that. A normal television is just fine. I have a cousin who likes Action figures. Don't get action figures unless they're really important and you have extra money left. Make a list of the things you need. You should be spending your money on food and something to drink. The only time I'd advise you to get a lot of things is before winter. If you have a really bad blizzard, you might not be able to get out and go to stores. Stock up before winter.

Call up the credit card Company and say "Ok, I'm going to make this money, I'm going to work overtime on my job," if you have a job. They'll be ok with that. If they're really mean and say "I want my money now!" You say, "Hey listen, I'll take a note, I'll go out and get the money, but like you say 'wait 4 to 6 weeks for delivery' ok? Don't expect it before that. It's only fair. And no CODs" If necessary, open up a savings account. But only if you're really desperate. If you owe them over $36,000.00 in profit.

Save your money at the end of the week. Spend extra money on stuff you really like. Maybe you like laptops. If you like music, get yourself a recorder, it's sort of like a flute.

--Dr. Michael

By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

Ask Dr. Michael - Vol. 5

Yet another quickie blast of love straight from Dr. Michael (originally seen in Stet)

(All questions were sent in by readers, all answers were transcribed verbatim from 8-year-old Michael, and all hilarity ensued.)

Dear Dr. Michael,

How can I get a red spaghetti sauce stain out of a white shirt?

--From Oops

Dear Oops,

You could always go to a pow wow and get a book for old Indian remedies. I don't really know exactly because I'm not an Indian.

But if the shirt is plain, cover it up with an old Indian type of dirt that you put in water. It's kind of like mud, but it cleans. I'm just sort of making this up so don't be prepared to do it, but it sounds like something Indians would do. Mud doesn't stain.

Whatever you do, stop eating spaghetti with a white shirt. That's what I'm advising you. Use a big napkin that covers the whole shirt.

--Dr. Michael

By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

Ask Dr. Michael - Vol. 6

More words to live your life by, straight from Dr. Michael.
(Originally seen in Stet).

Dear Dr. Michael,

I have four kids. A daughter who's in second grade, two daughters that are in 5th grade, and a son who's in 7th grade. I love them very much, but the problem I have is that they fight with each other all the time. My husband and I are going nuts! What should we do?

--From Worried in Connecticut

Dear Worried,

If you're pretty worried, I've seen kids fight a lot, and believe me -- it's nasty. It's really bad. I think that you should discipline if it's really bad. Not all the time. Yelling doesn't solve it, but if they're pulling each other's hair, you should yell at them.

There's probably only one thing that they all want and there's not enough to go around. Buy more.

A daughter who is in second grade should get sort of a soft punishment. "Go to your room and don't talk to me for like, two hours." The boy in 7th, if he's really bad, you should discipline him even worse. Don't let him watch TV for about a week.

Look out for violence and punching each other. Boys are always really violent.

It's not usually the kid's fault. The parents might not be doing their job. Usually when a kid fights with another kid it's because he wants attention or something big. Say you got two people and they rent two different video games for the same system. They want to play their video game first. They want people to go up and talk to them. The parents aren't paying enough attention.

If the kids are being nasty, yell at them, if they get really violent -- discipline, but don't hit unless they try to hit you.

--Dr. Michael

You can find all installments of Ask Dr. Michael right here.

By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

Ask Dr. Michael - Vol. 7

Sadly, the next to last Dr. Michael in the vault...

Dear Dr. Michael,

What is the best thing to use when I'm trying to catch Speckled Trout?


Dear Fishy,

Obviously worms. You put speckles on the worms. Don't draw on them because it is not permanent and when you put them in the water it might just come off.

Sometimes I see these little sparkle things.

You can take the worm and kill him first. Then put glue on him and put the speckles on. You can get the speckles at K-Mart. Then wait for it to dry and put it in the water to get the fish. It might not be at K-Mart, but look at your local stores.

If you can't find speckles, use sparkles.

-- Dr. Michael

The complete "Ask Dr. Michael" archive is here.

By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

The Final Dr. Michael

Sadly, the last one I have...

Dear Dr. Michael,

My 17-month-old grandson keeps getting bitten in daycare. The teacher sends notes home with him that say things like "My friend bit me today when we were playing. It isn't a bad bite. My friend didn't mean to hurt me."

The only punishment they do to the kid who bites my grandson is they give the kid timeout, but that doesn't work because my grandson gets bit every week, some weeks 3 or 4 days and some days as many as five different bites.

What do you think me or his mom should do to help him so he won't keep being bitten?

--Brett's Nonna

Well, Brett's Nonna,

I think what you should do is write a letter to the school, the people there should yell at the kid and tell the Mom what the kid is doing.

They should keep the kid home from that school. They shouldn't let him go. If it's pre-school, it should be ok to let him stay home, or they should send him to a proper school. Not one that allows biting, but one that will give the proper punishment. You know, "timeout" and let the parents deal with it.

The parents should send him up to his room, not let him watch TV or do anything that he likes to do. "Go to your room and sit there" is the proper punishment.

The people at the daycare should have more proper things to say. They should watch all the kids better. "If you keep biting this kid, I'm going to have to tell your mother and send you home. Biting can really hurt a kid."

The other kids might feel that Brett is not an "OK kid." They probably don't like him. But those kids are really mean. These days they criticize people because he doesn't dress or talk right. He probably doesn't talk the right way. They probably have something there... a way of talking, and he's not doing it right.

I don't think Brett is a bad kid. These other kids are just bad. Bring the biter to a school where if you do one little thing bad, they yell at you. They should drop this kid out of pre-school. You can still do that. He won't be able to bite Brett if they drop him out of school. And if he tries to bite his Mom and Dad, he'll be in big trouble.

Take "Mommy and Me" for example. All you day all day is play with toy trucks. Why would you want to bite? Teachers should do more than just say, "Oh, look at this kid, he's so cute." They shouldn't interfere but they should watch out for bad behavior.

Brett shouldn't feel bad. It's not his fault. He's probably just one of a kind.

--Dr. Michael

The complete "Ask Dr. Michael" archive is here.

By Steven • PermalinkThe Sneeze Archive

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