Get ready for a trip to a strange and foreign land. To a place where big bags are common and boxes, rare. This is a place sad cartoon characters call home. Our destination is the cereal aisle. Down on the bottom shelf.
The Cheap-Ass Cereal Hall of Fame
The Sneeze presents...
Inductee #1: RAISIN BRAN
He might look like a pancake flinging a bucket of rat turds, but he most certainly is not. He's just the HAP-HAP-HAPPIEST BRAN FLAKE EVER! Flinging a bucket of rat turds.
Cleaning out your colon has never been so zany.
Inductee #2: SILLY CIRCLES
It's Froot Loops gone silly! So very silly. Just look how silly!
Purple and pink hair??? That's silly! And look at his eyes! They're CROSSED That's text-book silly! He's even riding a unicycle! SILLY! He has a blue dog who's chasing its tail. And even HIS eyes are crossed! That's like silly squared times silly!
My goodness Silly Circles, save some silly for the other cereals!
Inductee #3: APPLE YO'S
This cereal wants to be hip-hop Apple Jacks. It uses words the kids say, like "Yo." As in "What's the dilly, yo?" Or, "What's with the cheap-ass bag of cereal, yo?!"
Look at those buildings in the background. Very "urban."
To diffuse some of this gangsta street image, the cat is also playing with a cereal "yo-yo." So moms won't be too afraid to buy it.
Looking at that cat, I can't help but think of Poochie, the pathetic hip-hop dog they once tried to add to Itchy & Scratchy on the Simpsons.
I think they even bought their sunglasses at the same store.
More Cheap-Ass Cereal
The Sneeze is happy to announce 4 new inductees into...
Inductee #1: TREASURE PUFFS
For years people have searched deep beneath the ocean's surface for the greatest lost treasure known to man: a chest full of fake Honey Smacks. These puffs aren't just plain old "milk-soggy," these are the kind of soggy you can only get from soaking in salt water for decades. Mmmm.
These rare and valuable puffs of treasure have an estimated value of nearly $2.00 a box!
Even the makers of this cereal knew it had so little to do with lost treasure, they felt compelled to put them in a jewel encrusted bowl. But remember, you don't HAVE to do this. It is only a serving SUGGESTION.
Inductee #2: MARSHMALLOW MAGIC
Welcome to the enchanting world of Marshmallow Magic. If you look in their spellbook, you'll find a single, powerful spell: Ripofficus Luckycharmium.
The marshmallow pieces come in fun magically-themed shapes like shooting stars, blue dolphins, orange phalluses, red & orange things, and last but not least, pink things.
It should be noted that in addition to being cheap-ass cereals, Marshmallow Magic and Treasure Puffs are also both pretty good euphemisms for "boobies."
The next time you are pawing at your wife or girlfriend or whore with a heart of gold, try whispering something like "Oh baby, let me get some of that marshmallow magic." She'll melt, trust me.
Inductees #3 & 4:
Here are two cereals that closely resemble Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles.
Fruity Nuggets features a burly fellow whose task in life is to search out all things "fruity." His special friend has a device used to drill for chocolate.
Hmmm. I'm sure there's something funny to say about these two, but I can't seem to think of it. Oh well.
Congratulations to our newest inductees!
All inductees can be found here.
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