February 13, 2009

Stevie's Home! (My Traditional Valentine's Love Tip)

A long time ago when my wife was my girlfriend and we were LIVING IN SIN, a tradition was born. I'd like to now share it with you all.

I came home from work one day and found her in front of the computer. I said "Hello," and she barely grunted back. I don't even think she looked up.

Half-jokingly I responded, "Okay, we're gonna try this again." I walked out the front door and came back in a few moments later...

"STEVIE'S HOME, STEVIE'S HOME!!! YAY!!!" was the new over-the-top cheer I was greeted with. It was accompanied by a hug and kisses. And I loved it.

What began as a joke quickly became an ongoing practice that continues to this day in our house: The person who is home first must make a small fuss when the other person gets there.

Does it sound silly? Yes. Do I promise that it will set the tone for a nicer evening just about every time you do it? Yes.

The world is full of douchebags, guys. Take 3 seconds out of your precious day to make a fuss over each other. Do it like you mean it. Do it as a goof. Just do it a lot.

I'm promise you'll be glad you did.

(For those who'd prefer to cleanse their palette of the preceeding sweetness, the following profanity has been provided for your convenience: fuck my balls.)

Click here for The Sneeze Home Page!
Posted by Steven | Archive

I started doing this the last time you posted this, and it has stuck. Now my boys always make a fuss when either me or my wife come home, and boy does it feel good. Great advice!

Posted by: Justin (Tatman) at February 13, 2009 10:38 AM

I read this last year, and we started doing it at our house. It's hokey and dorky, but that's par for the course around here anyway. And it really does make a difference.

Thanks for the advice. Happy V Day!

Posted by: harmony at February 13, 2009 10:50 AM

I actually started doing this with my fiance (because we're LIVING IN SIN too) and he thought it was great. Of course, I loaded up your site, and he's read a bunch of entries, and we get great joy out of periodically and randomly yelling "RAISINS?!?!" at each other, especially while grocery shopping.

The people at the K-Mart must think we get crazier every time we shop there.

Posted by: Lisbeth at February 13, 2009 11:03 AM

This is why I have a dog!

Posted by: the slackmistress at February 13, 2009 11:07 AM

Steve, I'm pretty sure you posted this last year. Just sayin'.

Posted by: Andrew P at February 13, 2009 11:21 AM

We do this, and it DOES make a difference. My husband's job is really stressful (esp. now) and I can see the angst drain away when I greet him with a, "HI, BUNNY! WELCOME HOME!" He does the same for me when I work late and come home after him. It's so awesome.

Who better to make a fuss over you than your SO?

Posted by: dbgirl at February 13, 2009 11:25 AM

I think you posted this last year, Steve.

Posted by: Andrew P at February 13, 2009 11:26 AM

nicely put my friend, totally agree! anything that makes a relationship grow stronger is awesome.

Posted by: J. Money at February 13, 2009 11:33 AM

Thanks for the disclaimer...needed that!
Happy VD day!

Posted by: Peggy at February 13, 2009 11:36 AM

Our dog used to run to the back door to greet whomever was coming home. If I was already home I would run to the back door with her to greet my wife and the dog and I would run in circles and jump up and down. Sadly, our dog died a couple months ago, but whenever my wife comes home I still run to the back door and jump up and down for her.

Posted by: philip at February 13, 2009 11:44 AM

Same story as those previously posted. Since reading the original post, he wife and I do it regularly, even when we don't feel like it. And by saying it, we start to feel like it. Nice reminder.

Posted by: Cloro at February 13, 2009 11:49 AM

I've tried doing this, but neither my wife's nor my name is Stevie, so it always comes off pretty awkwardly.

Still, it's a nice tradition if your name happens to work with it.



Posted by: Frank Peanuts at February 13, 2009 12:00 PM

Ivan bleeding nose back home. His mother asked, wow gold What happened? One boy bitten by a wow gold, said Ivan. And then you see him come to recognize wow gold? Her mother asked. He went to where I recognize him, said Ivan wow gold. He's still in my ears wow gold pocket it. Grandmother exclaimed after the race read: The really scary, the Wamei wow gold kneel in a row, was shot to them, not a shot on target. Wazi are scared that you run! All Lanbu Zhu rope!Email:Vswowgoldgame@Vswowgoldgame.com

Posted by: wow gold4 at February 13, 2009 12:02 PM

Mother rats suspected her husband was having an affair. One day, wow gold will be quietly followed. Suddenly, her husband into a bush, a hedgehog out in the near future. Mother rats caught a hedgehog: The affair also did not say that! Hit Moss so much to seduce? Teacher: I have two topics, you can Dachu wow gold on the first question do not need to wow gold A second question.by:wow gold Email:Vswowgoldgame@Vswowgoldgame.com

Posted by: wow gold4 at February 13, 2009 12:02 PM

My boyfriend and I do this ALL THE DAMN TIME. We NAUSEATE people with how adorable and goofy we are. (We have been dating for four years and are only getting WORSE.) It is always fun times. =3

And yeah, he DID post this last year. He reposted it again on purpose. =P

Posted by: Sammi at February 13, 2009 01:08 PM

i'm going to suggest that my boyfriend do this instead of the breast grope i'm usually greeted with when i come home.

Posted by: Milla at February 13, 2009 01:12 PM

That's why he called it a "traditional love tip".

Thanks Steve! I hope my Fiance is reading this right now so I can get an awesome welcome home tonight! (and I'm not talking about the seran(sp?) wrap welcome...well okay, I hope its that too)

Posted by: A Different Andrew P at February 13, 2009 01:16 PM


Posted by: Telanis at February 13, 2009 01:53 PM

Yes, we too have done this since last year's post. It's become even more awesome since our daughter was born - it gets her all excited as well.

Thanks, Steve!

Posted by: Mark F at February 13, 2009 02:07 PM

My boyfriend, dog, and myself do this ALL the time! The dog helps give us the extra hype. My boyfriend says "Momma's home! Momma's home!" I say "Daddy's home! Daddy's home!" and our dog goes absolutely crazy! :)

It's good to know that there are other people out there doing this. And yes, it does help set the tone for a nicer evening.

Posted by: Liz at February 13, 2009 02:15 PM

I read this last year and tried it. It works. Then one day I was pissy and stopped. My wife has never read this, but must have heard it or is just as silly as y'all. She does this occasionally and I love it. She says, "You're home! You're really, really home!" and then I say, "Ivan bleeding nose back home. His mother asked, wow gold What happened? One boy bitten by a wow gold, said Ivan. And then you see him come to recognize wow gold? Her mother asked. He went to where I recognize him, said Ivan wow gold. He's still in my ears wow gold pocket it. Grandmother exclaimed after the race read: The really scary, the Wamei wow gold kneel in a row, was shot to them, not a shot on target. Wazi are scared that you run! All Lanbu Zhu rope!"

Posted by: Ronnie with an R at February 13, 2009 02:16 PM

Worked for me at my house too. No matter what we sing, dance and generally carry on when the other gets home. If we get home together we sing and dance together.

Posted by: Chris at February 13, 2009 04:27 PM

I love it. We tried it a few times, and wow, it was gold. Like pure Gold WOW gold. Cash4gold. Wow.

All Lanbu Zhu rope!

Posted by: Rob Cockerham at February 13, 2009 04:46 PM

I think this is great advice. Very sweet and very sweet is never a bad thing I think.

Posted by: Patricia at February 13, 2009 06:31 PM

He did it on purpose, Andrew. Let it go.

To those of you for whom this worked, anyone have suggestions on how to get the un-sweet to do it? My bf doesn't do the mushy stuff. I'll pass out if I get flowers tomorrow

Posted by: Kayla at February 13, 2009 07:45 PM

Wow. After reading The Sneeze for several years, my boyfriend and I just refer to each other as "pickles." We also insist on using the quarter for size-reference at all times. Are we picking up on all the wrong relationship tips here?

Posted by: EParamore at February 13, 2009 09:50 PM

My guy and I have also been doing this since last year. Our little girl is now 7 months old and lights up big time when we do it so we're definately going to keep this tradition going! Thanks for all the wonderful stuff you post that so many can relate to/laugh at, you're pretty awesome! Happy Valentine's Day from my family to yours.

~ Tami, Steve, and Bailei (a future sneeze reader)

Posted by: Tami at February 13, 2009 09:56 PM

My boyfriend and I are also LIVING IN SIN (with other people too!) and we do this all the time! It's so great to see the stress lifted off the other person's shoulders when greeted like that.

Posted by: Danielle at February 13, 2009 10:40 PM

I suggested to my friend that he greet his wife with the same enthusiasm as the dog, and she would really appreciate that. Just then she started to walk towards the house and he got up and said, "Yeah, I can do that." She came in the house, the dog jumped around in joy, and then her husband came up, grabbed her around the waist, and started humping her leg.

I don't think she appreciated that. :P

Posted by: Pam at February 14, 2009 12:25 AM

That's a great suggestion, but the included profanity is what I found most satisfying. You really do it all when it comes to pleasing your readers, Steve. Thanks.
Fuckstick. ;)

Posted by: Joe at February 14, 2009 07:09 AM

Also @ Peggy: There's a reason people call it V-Day as opposed to VD Day. *facepalm* :)

Happy V-Day, all!

Posted by: Joe at February 14, 2009 07:16 AM

Chris (who posted above) and I also sing "house cleaning opera". Badly. But it makes vacuuming and scraping up other grody stuff fun. A sample verse: "I'm scrubbing out the oven/(he's scrubbing out the oven)/I'm scrubbing out the oven/(he's scrubbing out the oven)/What is this blob of goup?/(some goup! A mystery to me)"

Posted by: Allison at February 14, 2009 08:23 AM

I love this! And, since I too have a Steve, there's no awkwardness like what Frank (above) has experienced.

Posted by: Natalie at February 14, 2009 09:39 AM

There should be a law obliging people to do this. Happy V-day Steve!

Pickles and Raisins,


Posted by: Ade at February 14, 2009 09:55 AM

I took the liberty to copy/paste your post in my blog, as I find it most inspiring for V-day...hope you don't mind :)

Posted by: rusalina at February 14, 2009 12:38 PM

i think this is awesome advice and it is in my arsenal for when i ever have a significant other to come home to. dammit.

Posted by: Claire at February 14, 2009 06:03 PM

I've watched my parents do similar (when either one leaves or returns - regardless of the time away - they're farewelled or greeted with a kiss) for all my life.

Maybe that's why they've just clocked up 51 years married? My married siblings have carried on the "family tradition" too.

And Valentine's day has only just begun (last decade?) to be widely celebrated here in NZ...

Posted by: Kiwi Lindsay at February 15, 2009 12:18 AM

Holiday and a group of high school kids to play poker WoW power leveling, one high and one child lost the WoW power leveling, WoW power leveling in advance in accordance with our requirements, he returned home WoW power leveling is his mother Renzhendewen WoW power leveling: Mom, I am not a pig's Health ? His mother take Ganmian Zhang WoW power leveling up his day ...Email:Vswowgoldgame@Vswowgoldgame.com

Posted by: WoW power leveling18 at February 15, 2009 09:16 AM

Now, my only question is, if the second person home has been a royal asshole for a few days, does the half-hearted, almost sarcastic celebration they would receive do more damage than the very sincere lack of acknowledgment they would get otherwise?

Posted by: LiteralDan at February 15, 2009 02:30 PM

You are so right when it makes the mood better at home! For SURE!

Posted by: Krystle at February 17, 2009 12:21 PM

I'm so trying this! My hubby used to ask me: 'What do you want? A fucking parade?' Well, actually, not a fucking parade, a SMALL fucking parade. :)

Posted by: Danielle-lee at February 17, 2009 01:31 PM

After you posted this last year, my wife and I started the same tradition. Now when I come home she jumps up and down yelling "Yaaay! Stevies home! Stevies home!!!"

Which come to think of it is pretty weird since my name is Mark.

Posted by: Mark Flaming at February 17, 2009 03:41 PM

I do this all the time when my wife comes home from work. I get the dogs going and shout to my son "Mommy's home, Mommy's home". Then open the door for her just as she is reaching for the handle. Everyone greets her as if she has been gone for days. It does set the tone for a pleasant evening. It is nice to hear of others that enjoy their families too. You da man Steve!

Posted by: Chris at February 17, 2009 03:42 PM

I love this and I shared it with my boyfriend. We tried doing the same thing.

Posted by: panajane at February 17, 2009 04:37 PM

I must appreciate to u for the post. its really awesome and have some good information too.. Cheers..

Posted by: Poniting the earth at February 20, 2009 01:57 AM

My wife and I do this (I think possibly at Steve's suggestion some years back, but I honestly recall!). It's great and makes a big difference.

Posted by: DavidNYC at February 21, 2009 11:56 AM

Sigh... I honestly *can't* recall (whether we started this on our own, or at Steve's suggestion, or perhaps some crazy combination thereof).

Posted by: DavidNYC at February 21, 2009 11:56 AM

I could never get my husband to do this. Which is basically good because he's very very scary when he shows any emotion. He sometimes hugs me when he's asleep though, so I do believe that he likes me.

Posted by: Mina at February 21, 2009 03:57 PM

True, works. For scoring nooky. The huzz also likes to roleplay the part of a robber whenever he returns to an unlocked house, would be even better in costume, I should tell him that...

Posted by: Tara at February 21, 2009 06:53 PM

I love this story so much, even though I read it last time.

I wish I still had my Mr. to make a fuss over.

Posted by: AmyTheFreak at February 22, 2009 12:23 AM

You make a good point. I make a fuss out of me when nobody's home when I get home.

Posted by: The Stabbing Pen at February 23, 2009 02:23 AM

Steve, you're killing me with the Tiki Mug thing. No offense to the guy who made 'em -- cool tribute, and a cool piece of art and all -- but pretty much all you've posted since Christmas has been about the Tree Brain Tiki Mug, and boy oh boy, is it getting boring.

Please post something new and non-tiki-mug-related.

Posted by: WTB at February 25, 2009 09:11 AM

Well his son did have a Picc line in cuz he needed constant antibiotics.. i mean, have you ever had a PICC line? That motherfucker is so fucking long, you swear to god you're a fuckin magician pulling a colored ribbon out of your throat when you see that thing getting pulled out of your arm... it's enough to motivate ya to not do SHIT, just SEEING it happen.. sooo I figure that's plenty enough to explain Steve's lack of postings. Besides, if this shit gets boring to him it will come off as boring to us. At least the TIKI mugs are fucking so uniquely awesome anyways.. not trying to bash you, just defending steve. <3 lol kbye

Posted by: davis at February 26, 2009 12:05 AM
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