February 01, 2009

Raisins 2008

On Christmas Eve 2006, I decided to do a little test to see how excited my 3-year-old would be to receive a tiny box of raisins as compared to his other more pricey presents.

He was not pleased to see the tradition continue in 2007.

I really wasn't sure what to expect from my now 5-year-old upon receiving this year's traditional box of withered grapes.

For starters, his classic response from 2007 ("RAISINS?!! HE GAVE ME RAISINS! PUT THIS BACK IN YOUR FOOD!) had practically become a catch-phrase around the house with him. He knows the quote so well, and has jokingly repeated it so many times, I was predicting that this year he would just say it halfheartedly and move on to the next present.

Not to mention that on Christmas Eve I heard him and his older brother, (who we'll call "Lux"), actually discussing the possibilities of raisins as a gift!

Lux: "What are you going to do if Santa brings you raisins again?

Raisins: "I'll give them to you."

Lux: "Great! I love raisins!"

Given all these factors, I decided to shake things up a little and give him a big 1 1/2 pound canister of SunMaid's finest.

Here are 3 audio clips, complete with a handy transcript. (Clips 2 & 3 were a follow-up from later that morning.)

If the flash player is giving you problems,
here it is as an mp3.

--CLIP 1--

Raisins: Look at this present I got! This one's so big!

My Wife: You need some help?

Raisins: OH MY! (unwrapping) I think I'll get -- HEY! (to Lux) Look what he left me for you! He gave you--

Lux: (laughing his ass off at the big tub) A big box...

Raisins: A giant box of raisins.

Lux: Thank you, Santa!! I always wanted --

Raisins: I got a box of raisins, and I'm not saying it! (referring to the 2007 quote).

--CLIP 2--

Raisins: Only I'm not "ex-psyched" about the raisins. I'm ex-psyched about the toys I got.

--CLIP 3--

My Wife: (to me) Now you did it.

Raisins: Daddy thinks raisins are toys.

My Wife: Are they?

Raisins: NO!! THEY'RE NOT EVEN TOYS!! (taking off down the hall toward his room) RAISINS ARE A SNACK! NOT A TOY!!!!

Oh, well. I have no doubt he'll be totally ex-psyched when he's 6.

Click here for The Sneeze Home Page!
Posted by Steven | Archive

I have a strong feeling that even when he's 26, he's still going to be getting raisins from you for Christmas.

Posted by: rachel at February 2, 2009 09:49 AM

That is the plan.

Posted by: Steve at February 2, 2009 09:51 AM

That's it, I'm going to buy one of those giant packs of raisins. Not a toy!

Posted by: Krista at February 2, 2009 09:53 AM

At our house it's brussel sprouts. I believe my kids would love raisins instead at this point. Gotta say though, the year I gave them a jar of pickled brussel sprouts is hard to top.

Posted by: Jennifer at February 2, 2009 10:16 AM

Too funny! I cannot wait to hear what he has to say next year....

Posted by: Jewel of Toronto at February 2, 2009 10:26 AM

His last comment as he is running away is priceless. :)

Posted by: Karen at February 2, 2009 10:55 AM

Oh, my good gawd. I'm home sick today and I really needed those laughs. I've listened to it three times now and it's funny every time. Thank you, Steve, for sharing with us!

Posted by: Terra at February 2, 2009 11:05 AM

I always do look forward to the yearly raisin tradition, much like the Christmas Steve tradition at another blog I read.

This did not disappoint! It's wonderful that he can tell a snack from a toy. Many small children can't. ;)

Posted by: Sile at February 2, 2009 11:05 AM

lol Ive been waiting for you to post this one up! Love the last quote!

Posted by: Chris Brewer at February 2, 2009 11:15 AM

Excellent Steve. As to his assertion that raisins are snacks and not toys, F-in' A' little man, F-in A'

By the way, can I hope that his big brother didn't proceed to chow through a pound and a half of dried fruit in a single day? The gastro mayhem would be a bad scene methinks

Posted by: Michael the G at February 2, 2009 11:17 AM

thanks for making me almost pee my pants at work.

Posted by: Milla at February 2, 2009 11:26 AM

You know he will continue this tradition with his own children someday. Your future Grandchildren are so ticked off at Grandpa right now! I mean right then... oh whetever.

Posted by: Lori at February 2, 2009 11:33 AM

Funniest. F'n. Thing. I've heard all day.

You're the man, Steve!

Posted by: Mike at February 2, 2009 11:34 AM

But, if raisins aren't toys, why do they fit so easily up your nose?

Posted by: catzilla at February 2, 2009 11:49 AM

oh man, so completely WORTH THE WAIT!!!

Posted by: Claire at February 2, 2009 11:59 AM

thank you for saving my day!

Posted by: Sarah at February 2, 2009 01:03 PM

thank you for saving my day!

Posted by: Sarah at February 2, 2009 01:03 PM

Steve, I don't have kinds yet, but you are giving me SO many good ideas!

Posted by: Kayla at February 2, 2009 01:54 PM

Kids, I mean. Damn auto-correct...

Posted by: Kayla at February 2, 2009 01:55 PM

My girlfriend is often startled by me breaking the serene silence of our apartment with a wall-shaking, "RAISINS?!?"

Glad to see the tradition lives on in the Sneeze household.

Raisins can, however, be toys...

Posted by: The Rev. at February 2, 2009 02:16 PM

That does it. We're having a kid. I can't resist the cuteness any longer. Thanks, Steve.

Posted by: JenDiggity at February 2, 2009 02:49 PM

hilarious! Thank you for f-ing with your own children for our amusement (and your own of course). I only hope I to can be such a pain in the ass to my own kids whenever I have some.

Posted by: Crowliosis at February 2, 2009 03:11 PM

hahaha this is brilliant! I thought about typing this next part then realised it sounds perverted, but whatever, I redeemed myself by showing you my thought process...

Stuff from your kids is priceless and I would like to see/hear more stories in the future! I love the way you just laugh and enjoy the results of your labours at the end :)

Posted by: Tom P at February 2, 2009 03:23 PM

Steve, i've been checking the site at least 5x a day waiting for this. Thanks for making it awesome. Also, it's cool to know that there has been a catchphrase around your house. This is the best site in the world.

Posted by: Woody at February 2, 2009 03:29 PM

You know, the 2007 response has totally become a catch phrase around our house too, with my husband. PUT THIS BACK IN YOUR FOOD!

Posted by: Kristin at February 2, 2009 03:47 PM

I look forward to this yearly now. I had to share the story with my coworkers actually and I am surprised at least one of the kids in our residence facility did not end up with a box of raisins. Funny enough, they probably would have been really excited like the first raisins experiement.

Thanks for sharing!

Posted by: Beth at February 2, 2009 03:56 PM

Aww thats awesome Steve! Do they have make-your-own-raisin-kits? Half snack, half toy.

Posted by: Alistair at February 2, 2009 04:11 PM

Ha! I am dreaming of the day when I have kids and can do the same.
Every time you post about Raisins and Lux I laugh till I cry. Thank you.

Posted by: Brie at February 2, 2009 04:31 PM

THANK YOU!!!!!!! This is the best present everrrrrr!


My fave part was "Look... what he got you!"

And "Great, I love raisins!"

Did they get luxury items?

Posted by: e at February 2, 2009 05:20 PM

Give up Steve.

Posted by: Aqua at February 2, 2009 05:22 PM

Oh, thank you for that. That made my friggin day.

Posted by: tashina at February 2, 2009 05:24 PM

Oh, I was waiting and waiting for this. . .and it was so worth the wait!!!

Happy belated x-mas to your and your raisin band. ..

Posted by: bgw at February 2, 2009 05:32 PM

Raisins: They're a snack. Not a toy. -- Total t-shirt material.

Posted by: Steve S. at February 2, 2009 05:49 PM

The captioned raisins pic at the end totally made my year. Thanks Steve.

Posted by: WTB at February 2, 2009 05:56 PM

This is soooo totally awesome because my grandpa has been giving all us grandkids a small box of raisins and a pair of socks for Christmas forever!!! I'm 29 and I remember not getting raisins once, about 6 years ago- I thought he was mad at me.

Posted by: Amburgerhelper at February 2, 2009 06:02 PM

Aw the joys of torturing our kids! It makes it all SO worth it! You should hear how wigged out my god son gets every time I ask him if he shaves!

Posted by: Laurie at February 2, 2009 06:44 PM

My sister had a dream a few years ago that all she got in her Easter basket was raisins. She made the mistake of telling this to my parents before she looked and her basket and then went immediately to the bathroom. She came out of the bathroom and all she had in her Easter basket was raisins, placed there by my quick-thinking, conniving parents.. I am positive that you caused her to have this dream.

And I thank you for it a thousand times over.

Posted by: Rachel at February 2, 2009 06:51 PM

Amazing! Next year you should buy him a big box of raisins in bulk.

Or put a tiny box of raisins in a huge box to throw him off the scent.

Posted by: Umeko at February 2, 2009 06:52 PM

Hah! brilliant, I remember all to well how my uncle used to say he'd get me a barbie doll for christmas and being a 7 year old boy, i was NOT happy when he did..

And its a wonder why children grow up emotionaly scarred by their parents...? not now, knowing this hah

Posted by: Alastair at February 2, 2009 07:02 PM

It's not Christmas without the raisins!! So glad that Raisins is feeling better :)

Posted by: Maureen at February 2, 2009 08:06 PM

not only would it be an excellent t-shirt, you should pass it on to the marketing dept. at the raisin company. Best commercial ever! The angry stomping away and yelling "a snack, not a toy!" would have all of North America ROFL

Posted by: jesse at February 2, 2009 08:36 PM

Oh my god, the part where he was running off screaming about raisins not being toys had me in STITCHES!!

Posted by: YFNF at February 2, 2009 09:34 PM

So I read this earlier today while I was in the library between classes. I almost had to cackle aloud like a lunatic, most likely offending other library patrons.

Thanks for simultaneously making my day and almost causing me public humiliation.

Had I not been able to keep my laughter in check, it would've been totally worth it.

I wish you many years of sun-dried merriment.

Posted by: Marcy at February 2, 2009 09:43 PM

At our house it's sports balls...one pleasant Christmas Even my sister, who sucks at buying presents for anyone, got my 20-year-old brother "assorted sports balls" from Target.

After we were done laughing our asses off (about a year later) said brother re-wrapped the sports balls and gave them back to sucky-shopping sister the following Christmas.

I sense a family tradition emerging.

Posted by: Kelly at February 2, 2009 10:30 PM

Could your kids be any more awesome? Apparently they can. :-D NOT A TOY!! You can't make that stuff up. I love it. :-D

Posted by: Cindy at February 2, 2009 11:12 PM

"Ex-psyched"? I thing he says "excited"... but be careful, when he's 12 he'll start offering you crappy Xmas presents too!

Posted by: John at February 3, 2009 02:53 AM

But now, are you going to have to increase the amount of raisins every year? That could get expensive. And dangerous, once he's strong enough and teenagery anough to throw the box at you.

Next year, I say give hime one of those package-within-a-package-within-a-package thingies, and at the end of those endless packages just have one single raisin. Switch it up a bit.

Posted by: Yael at February 3, 2009 04:30 AM

Is it just me, or does Lux sound a little like a smartass? Hmmm... Where could that have come from?

Posted by: Heather at February 3, 2009 05:07 AM

that's fantastic!

Posted by: MommyNamedApril at February 3, 2009 05:35 AM

Hey Steve, I think next year you should just go all out and fill up the bathtub with raisins. I think it would be funny to see Lux and Raisins to literally flip over the pure volume of sun-dried wrinkle fruits

Posted by: Kevin Kraus at February 3, 2009 05:41 AM

Hahah, I've been looking forward to hearing his reaction ever since you announced another raisin-based present. Awesome reaction, as ever!

Love from the Netherlands!

Posted by: Laura at February 3, 2009 05:58 AM

Hearing them laughing killed me. My own personal torment with my 8 year old is his Rubik's Cube. It's been going on for awhile and I can't bring myself to stop. I find it, I solve it, then I leave it on his dresser. He finds it, freaks out that it's solved and mixes it all up, then hides it again. He's not much of a hider so it magically appears solved pretty often. "MOM! I don't even LIKE it solved, I liked it MIXED!!!" Lately I've been leaving it with the fun designs you can make on it, further aggravating the situation. I guess I need to get out more.

Posted by: Denise at February 3, 2009 07:54 AM

Let's all take bets on how long before Steve starts receiving raisins in return...or GRAPES!!! then you wouldn't have to buy raisins the next year!

Posted by: Erik at February 3, 2009 09:33 AM

Oh, and I adore Raisins' manner of speech, by the way. The "OH MY!" and "To-way" got me good, but I think we should rechristen him "Waisins!"

Posted by: Erik at February 3, 2009 09:38 AM

I had been watching Superbowl commercials online before clicking over to see you'd finally posted this. My husband overheard from the next room and came in to ask me to play the "Raisins Commercial" again, as he wanted to see it.

I would totally buy a "Raisins are a snack, not a toy!" t-shirt.

Posted by: Cari at February 3, 2009 10:40 AM

My dad lost an eye to a raisin in Nam. They are not a toy!

Posted by: neal at February 3, 2009 11:23 AM

OMG - too funny, I love the way it trails off as he runs down the hall.

I am a constant torment to my girls (almost 9 and 10).
The latest is boooooobies! (They begged for bras - so now the torment begins)

Kids are fun especially when you still act like one.

Posted by: Bizzarefall at February 3, 2009 02:20 PM

Fucking fantastic! (To quote you, Steve) Your kids will eventually start giving back - with attitude - and you'll be able to laugh and know where they got their smart ass ideas from.

Posted by: Melthusia at February 3, 2009 04:17 PM

Ok. I am in love with your family.

Second, I have a feeling that when he's 26, YOU'LL be getting raisins from HIM for X-mas, birthday, Father's Day, weekend visits...

Posted by: HarrysMom at February 3, 2009 04:40 PM

Thanks for always making me laugh, Steve. Your family is the best! You really know how to never let a joke die! Great Job, Buddy!!!

Posted by: Byron at February 3, 2009 08:16 PM

Great to see that you're back and up to post again! I missed your posts! This post was hilarious, I can't wait to mess around with my own kids.

Posted by: danielle at February 3, 2009 11:00 PM

Thank you. I needed the laugh and the closure to the story.

Posted by: David at February 4, 2009 08:07 AM

That was awesome! :) I was really looking forward to hearing this.

An odd little tradition in my family is to mimic my late father, who would announce at dinner that "The days are getting shorter." Or longer, depending on the season.

He was also a master of the obvious. My mom would plug in the kettle and the genius would comment, "The water's boiling." He wouldn't get up and unplug it himself, he would feel a need to tell her because apparently he was the only one who could hear it.

We re-enact that for mom every now and again just to see her roll her eyes. :D

Posted by: Pam at February 4, 2009 11:23 AM

"Raisins are a snack, not a toy!" - bringing a whole new meaning to "Don't play with your food!"

Posted by: DragonKeepers at February 4, 2009 01:11 PM

because I couldn't comment on the other post about your son, I'm posting on this one.
1) LOL at "they're a snack!"
2) Im a paediatric nurse in Australia, and we have these gadgets called Baxter pumps which continuously infuse antibiotics through a PICC line so that the 6 hourly doses dont have to interrupt your day. Maybe, if your son is still receiving them, you could ask your paediatrician as to whether or not a baxter pump is available in the states. It's about as big as a baby's bottle and fits in a little bag that you wear. It looks silly but it works a treat.
Let me know how it goes.

Posted by: Emma at February 4, 2009 03:07 PM

Mwahahaha...I kind of want to try this with the kiddos I teach...

"Raithinz are a thnack, not a toy!"

Posted by: Angie at February 4, 2009 06:53 PM

Speaking of Lux Interior... he just died.

I "heart" Lux Forever!

Posted by: Zclone at February 4, 2009 09:17 PM

You're a great Dad.

I'm thinking about dancing, singing, sunglasses-wearing raisin toys for next year.

Posted by: mars at February 5, 2009 11:24 AM

My wife and I just listened to this yesterday. Earlier in the day we learned from an ultrasound image that looked like an H.R. Geiger print that our first child is going to be a boy.
We laughed so heartily at the revelation that raisins are not a toy, we listened to it a second and third time.
And it was at this point I realized that having a son could be a hell of a lot of fun. And relatively affordable.

Posted by: LachlanL. at February 6, 2009 05:14 PM

I think next year you should put a really great present inside the raisin box (video games, or something), and see what happens when he trades or gives it away.

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Posted by: Melinanushka at February 7, 2009 04:35 PM

I'm thinking Golden raisins are in order one of these years. Perhaps prunes one year, see if he calls them giant raisins or gets that they are different. =P

Posted by: kara at February 7, 2009 11:35 PM

STEVE.... LONG LIVE LUX........ I KNOW YOU WERE A FAN OF THE CRAMPS............. I CANT BELIEVE IN THE SAME WEEEK I DISCOVERED YOU AND CLOUD CULT AND NOW LUX IS DEAD............................................................................................................LIFE IS SHORT . AINT IT?/

Posted by: scoogieb at February 8, 2009 12:11 AM


I so wish I still got boxes of raisins in my stocking for Christmas. Now I just get chocolate. Pfft! Not even chocolate covered raisins: natures most prefect candy.

Posted by: AmyTheFreak at February 8, 2009 11:34 AM

just an idea, next year you should give him a small box of raisins in a large TV box. my parents always had to disguise my gifts because I am a very good guesser.

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