Hey Steve--

A few months ago, I bought a kitten. All of my animals have been spayed or neutered. But I'm kind of broke right now, so I figured, how bad could it get?

My cat has recently decided that she is sexually mature and she is now in heat. If you've never had a cat go into heat, it is perhaps the single most annoying and disturbing behavior I've ever witnessed.

She is turned on by EVERYTHING. She rubs herself all over each and every surface of my apartment. She howls these horrible, ear drum shattering howls. Even when I'm just petting her, she gets...excited. And sticks her butt in my face and throws me a glance over her shoulder. All because she wants sex. "I'm not having sex either, cat! You don't see me crying about it! (Usually...)"

Anyway I don't have enough money to get her spayed, so I decided to use the good ol' internet to see if there was anything I could do to make her shut up so I could get some sleep/not be evicted due to neighbor complaints. And I was absolutely horrified by what I found. It was actually suggested that you get a Q tip or a thermometer...and...use it...on your cat. One even went so far as to explain the cat orgasm so that the reader would know when s/he could stop.

I don't think I can bring myself to do it. It feels wrong. And...ew. Just wrong. What are your thoughts? Is this crossing the line? Would I ever be able to look myself in the mirror again without thinking, I gave my cat an orgasm?

--Brittany

Brittany,

The first step in correcting this situation is letting my wife know she can stop reading now. She's very sweet and won't want to hear anymore about this. So, here's a link to Pottery Barn.

Okay, she's gone.

Brittany, I've given careful consideration to your problem and there's only one logical solution. I think it's obvious. You must pleasure yourself in front of your cat. While you wear a cat costume.

Something like this should be fine...

Just don the costume and really give it to yourself good.

The benefits are two-fold. You will tend to your own self-professed needs while teaching your cat how to rub one out at the same time.

It's like the old saying goes. "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach that man's cat to fiddle with its cooter, and it'll stop rubbing up on stuff."

I have complete confidence this solution will work. (Unless your cat goes crazy and tries to tap your giant Tabby ass.)

Be well.

-- Steve

P.S. Send photos.