It has been my experience that when a cute girl is flirting heavily with you and then she takes her shirt off, you are about to do sex.

This, however, is not the case at strip clubs and it's part of my problem with them.

I'm especially not a fan of the mostly-naked girls talking to the patrons. To me, engaging in a conversation with women and their nipples who are only interested in my money, is a weird and frustrating experience. I'm fully aware that they are doing this flirting to get more money. But when it's happening, all I can think about is that I know this flirting is fake, but they don't really know that I know the flirting is fake. And how dare they think I'm just a gullible idiot who doesn't understand the flirting is fake?

My friends say I'm overthinking. That it doesn't matter that it's fake. That I should just relax and enjoy it. That when you go to Disneyland and see Mickey Mouse walking around, you know he's not real either, but it's still good to see him.

That all makes sense, but I still feel like I'm going to a restaurant and paying to smell the steak. Luckily I love my wife and once you get married you're no longer attracted to any other woman anyway (especially Jessica Alba), so none of this is really an issue.

But what I'm really trying to say here is, I don't like the new Skittles Gum.

Skittles gum has perfectly replicated the Skittles experience. Except you can't eat them.

They are the same shape and size of real Skittles. The flavor is identical to real Skittles. And even though it's gum, the texture is still bizarrely close to real Skittles. The whole thing is like candy torture.

I tried convincing myself that they are brilliant. That they're the closest thing to an Everlasting Gobstopper, like Skittles that just last a really long time. Except that every two chews, all I want to do is swallow it.

I think when I want to "taste the rainbow" I'll stick to real Skittles. And not Skittles gum: the strippers of candy.

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