August 10, 2005

a trashy story

My wife is away with the kids visiting relatives, so I've been a bachelor for the last week. What's funny is I haven't even told her about this particular incident yet, so you're probably all reading about it together...

Our garbage gets picked up once a week, early Friday mornings. Last Friday I missed the pick-up, but it's not terrible because I've been by myself and really haven't generated all that much trash. There was only one garbage bag in the can.

An hour after I missed the truck, I took out another bag of trash from the kitchen, opened the garbage can lid, and saw something moving.

It was the sides of the can because...

THE WHOLE THING WAS CRAWLING WITH MAGGOTS!!!

AAAAAARGHH!!!!!

So, anyway... oh, hold on a sec...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH!!!!!

I freaked out, threw the bag in, and slammed the lid shut. What hell was in that first bag???

Being the man of the house, I needed to take care of this. The only problem was: how could I talk my wife into fixing it while she's away with the kids? I quickly hatched my pathetic game plan. I'm just not opening the can again until the garbage truck comes back this Friday morning...

This Thursday night I'm going to carefully put the can on the street. Friday morning when I hear the truck coming, I'm going to go back out there, bang the can around to try and loosen the little fuckers up, and hope the truck gets most of them.

It's the kind of truck that has a mechanical arm that lifts the can up and over 180 degrees, and shakes it a little to empty it before putting it back down.

After the truck leaves, I'll have the unenviable task of looking back inside to see what's going on. If I don't like what I see, I may run after the garbage truck, and politely ask the driver to shoot me.

I can't even imagine what's going on in that can right now. Have they quadrupled and are now dripping from the inside of the lid??? So nasty. Even if I did attempt to clean it out now, which in no way seems as good as staying inside and watching TV, what would I do with the two maggot-filled garbage bags that are currently in there?

My friend Tony says I should just throw the can out. That sounds okay, but how the hell do you do that? Put it in another can??

I wish I had a picture for you, but the game plan is very clear: DON'T LIFT THE LID AGAIN UNTIL FRIDAY. And who am I to mess with a game plan? Stay tuned. I'll let you know what happens.

(Oh, hope you're having a nice trip, honey!)

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Posted by Steven | Archive
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