We need to talk about this whole Rainbow Party thing for a minute.

If you already know what it is, great. If you don't, let me bring you up to speed with this very typical conversation...

Person With News: Hey have you heard about these Rainbow Parties? Kids are having blow-job parties now. And the girls all wear different colored lipstick, so by the end all the guys are left with a rainbow.

Predictable Guy: "Where was that when I was in high school?!"

Fair enough. I was guilty of that response myself. But that's because I'm a dumbass. Allow me to think this through for you...

Let's say these parties really were around when I was in high school. You know what else was around in high school? My giant gut hanging over my giant pants. That's right. In high school I was the fat kid that you either ignored or goofed on. I wasn't invited to ANY parties! Let alone those that involved weiner-play.

But that's just me. If you happened to not have suffered from my particular childhood traumas, you should also bear in mind that these parties may not even exist at all. The whole thing may have started with a fictional book called "Rainbow Party" which was allegedly written to get young adults thinking about the ramifications of sex. (Or designed to push people's buttons and sell books.)

But just for fun, let's say I somehow did get a golden ticket to a mystical Rainbow Party. As the pent-up virginal high school nerd I was, allow me to realistically describe my rainbow to you--

Indigo and... DONE.

Rainbow: OVER.

"Thank you ladies... if you'd be kind enough to hand me those giant pants, I'll see myself out."