Happy Valentine's Day! Let us all rejoice in a celebration of love! Except for you people who say "Valentimes." You need to be put in a wood chipper.

That being said, why don't we talk about candy. One classic Valentine's Day tradition is the giving of candy. Many a lucky person will receive a heart-shaped box full of chocolates today, but few will receive a 5th Avenue candy bar. Do you know why? BECAUSE NOBODY EATS THEM.

I've been seeing this crappy brown wrapper and untempting name forever, but I've never had one. Neither have you. Okay, obviously someone somewhere is eating them, or they wouldn't keep making it. Initial reports indicate his name is Clive, and he is a sad and lonely man.

In candy gym class, 5th Avenue is the fat kid who gets picked last. If it was at all popular, it would be available in "fun" size. Did you ever once dump out your Halloween loot at the end of the night to find a 5th Avenue bar? You didn't. If you think you did, someone put crack in your Skittles, because you didn't.

To get to the bottom of this, I went ahead and bought my first and only one. The cute girl at the register played it very cool, but I have no doubt that inside she was thinking "Wait a minute. Nobody ever buys the 5th Avenue Bar!" Then she thought "This guy is a revolutionary! And, damn he's so hot, too. Look at his belly and sloppy Old Navy clothes. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with him. Now." Masking her lust by avoiding all eye contact with me, she handed over my change (erotically), and I left.

The wrapper says it's "chocolate and crunchy peanut butter." It sounded like a crunchy peanut butter cup to me, but do not be fooled. One bite let me know that it's a friggin' Butterfinger. Slightly less crispity. A tad less crunchity. But it's a Butterfinger, and they know it. End of story.

I was about to put the whole episode behind me when I thought -- this candy bar looks like it's been around since 1850. Could it be possible that Butterfinger (by Nestle) is a rip off of 5th Avenue (by Hershey)??? Perhaps it deserves some respect after all.

A quick poke around the internet showed that 5th Avenue came out in 1936. Butterfinger was introduced in 1923. Butterfinger came out first. The 5th Avenue bar is a loser no matter how you look at it. Crappy name, crappy wrapper, and it's a Butterfinger knock off.

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I'm going to let this slide. I'm also going to go easy on you Valentimes people. You may each have one 5th Avenue Bar. And then it's head first into the chipper.

(and here's a 5th Avenue review from my old pal, Patrick.)