February 08, 2005

One Adult, One Child

popcornRemember how Elliott showed E.T. the ropes of life on Earth? He explained what action figures were... they went trick-or-treating... he gave E.T. his first taste of candy. That's what it's like having a kid.

A cute little alien has arrived at your house from the distant planet Uterus, and now it's up to you to show them what's what.

Last month I decided it was time for my own four-year-old alien to see what an Earth movie theater was like.

I tried to prep him as much as I could to cut down on the chances of him bothering people or freaking out in general once the lights went down. Our first discussion went exactly like this:

"When you go to a real movie theater, the movie plays on a huge screen. But here's the thing-- when it starts, you have to be quiet and you can't talk to anybody."

"But I can play, right?"

He delivered the line perfectly, except he wasn't joking.

We talked about it a few more times during the week and he seemed to finally get it. Saturday morning arrived and I sprung it on him. "Hey, should we go to the movies today?!"

"Yeah!!!" he screamed.

On our way there I could sense he was so excited to be going to the movies. In part because he kept telling me, "I AM SO EXCITED WE ARE GOING TO THE MOVIES!"

It was an 11:00 AM showing of The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie, and my son was practically vibrating as I paid for the tickets. We walked into the lobby, he looked around and literally yelled "LOOK AT ALL THE COLORS AND LIGHTS. I LOVE THIS MOVIE THEATER!!!"

He pulled me by the hand as we walked through the doors of the room they were showing Spongebob in. He then hunkered down and crept along as if we were spies on an important mission. "OH BOY! WE HAVE TO FIND OUR SEATS!"

He led me up the stadium-style seating toward the top, and made his choice. After he was done commenting on what fancy, big-boy seats they were, I asked him one more time, "What happens when the movie starts?"

"NO TALKING!"

The lights finally went down, the movie began...

and I'm happy to report that he was incredibly well-behaved and loved every moment of it. He even kept his voice down the one time he had to let me know Patrick was being silly.

After it was over we walked through the parking lot while he told me all about his favorite parts of the movie. I buckled him into his car seat, and he promptly passed out from the excitement.

I've always enjoyed how Spongebob is a celebration of innocence, and how he can find big fun in the most mundane situations. I'd like to thank my little boy for turning a simple trip to the movies into an awesome adventure for both of us.

It was a perfect day.

(And for those who feel this entry was too sweet for The Sneeze, please accept my apologies and enjoy this X-rated picture from the SpongeBob porn episode.)

I changed the link at the end of this article. It used to be a link to J. Lo's vagina. Some people were shocked that the link actually went to that. But I don't see how I could have made it any clearer than when I wrote "enjoy these pictures of J. Lo's vagina." Anyway, if you're looking for that link, here it is. Don't click on it if you don't want to see J. Lo's vagina. Because that's what the link goes to. Her vagina.

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Posted by Steven | Archive
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