October 03, 2004

Human Ripeness Chart

I'm in my 30's, and things are not what they once were.

While I was staring at my face playing a fun new game called "Freckle or Cancer" I came to the conclusion that we are all just rotting fruit.

We go about our lives, have jobs, kids, do whatever it is we do-- but at the end of it all, I'm not sure there's much difference between us and that bowl of aging bananas sitting in your kitchen.

I've prepared the following Banana/Human Ripening Chart to help illustrate my point (and make myself feel even worse).



We all start off as babies, and bananas are no different. You've heard of a beginner or a novice described as being too "green?" Well, there you go.

There's really not much you can do with a banana at this age except keep it safe and wait. If for some reason you find bananas this age inviting, there's something wrong with you. If you find humans this age inviting, there's something extremely wrong with you.

Teenage Years

This banana is coming along nicely, but is still pretty immature. It's in that awkward stage, but its complexion is about to clear up and there's a very bright future ahead.


Here's a banana that's coming into its own. Firm and ready for action. What path will it take? A smoothie? A cereal topping? A sexual aid and then a cereal topping? So many possibilities. The world is this banana's oyster.

30's - 40's

This is a banana that's peaking. It is at the top of its game, but small brown spots are starting to appear on its skin. It tends to get bruises more easily now. These are the tell-tale signs of future demise.

50's - 60's

This banana is getting on in age, but is by no means useless. While it's not what it used to be, it is actually ideal for being around younger bananas to help them get ripe. Not unlike a teacher.

Old Age

Just like a sweet old lady, this banana isn't good for much more than a cake, or maybe some muffins.


We've reached our final destination. Hope you enjoyed the trip.

See you all in the compost heap.

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Posted by Steven | Archive
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