The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions.

August 30, 2004

Spiderman 3: The Quest For Dignity

I've discovered a bizarre line of action figures called "Spider-Man Adventure Hero." I guess the idea behind them was that Spider-Man likes to work hard and play harder! (Without taking off his uniform, for some reason.)

They were made by a company called Toy Biz a couple of years ago, and have since been discontinued. I can't figure out why they weren't hugely popular.

Let's check out what Spider-Man likes to do for fun-- while hundreds of crime victims go unsaved.

Here's our old pal Spider-Man bungee jumping. He has gone out of his way to dangle from long strechy ropes. Isn't this exactly what Spider-Man does ALL DAY LONG? Maybe it feels more exciting and dirty when you pay for it.

I love how he decides to wear a helmet here, but it's not necessary as he swings recklessly across the skyline of New York, fighting crazed villains to the death.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here Spidey is getting ready for the big game. With his two uniforms on.

Let's just put aside how ridiculous this looks for a moment and consider how the guys on the other team are supposed to feel. I think the reaction would be something along the lines of: "What the fuck?!! Why do you get Spiderman?? I don't even wanna play now. Fuck this!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It's important to note that some Razor scooters can reach speeds in excess of 4 mph, so good protective eyewear is crucial!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here is Spider-Man equipped with his "Spider-Glider." The only word that comes to mind on this one is: Really???

Let's say I can understand that Spidey was tired of swinging around the city on webs, and just wanted to go out for a nice "glide." Am I to believe this is really the uniform he'd pick? Powder blue and mint green, with dark blue booties, and a yellow bib?

Really???

My fashion sense is one step above homeless man and I wouldn't wear that.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After the attacks on 9/11, firefighters were declared the new "superheroes." Here's Spider-Man in a pathetic display of jealousy on 9/12.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Watch our mighty hero break a piece of wood using only the secrets of the martial arts (oh, and his super-strength the other kids in the karate class don't have).

Yes, Spider-Man, we're all impressed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Wow. Suddenly that baseball uniform is looking pretty good.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here's one of these toys at Amazon, to prove I didn't make them up.

Click here for The Sneeze Home Page!

Posted by Steven | Archive