January 18, 2006
Love & Methane: An Open Discussion
It's been well over a year since this has been on the front screen. These stories never fail to amuse me, so it's back. I'm hoping we can get some new insight into this crucial romantic turning point...
I'm curious about a milestone we reach in relationships. People have very specific thoughts and rules about kissing on a first date and when it's okay to have sex for the first time, but when is it cool to let out that first fart?
Is there a proper etiquette to crossing this bridge? What's the best way to do it? Do you think it's good to get it right out there in the open, or wait like my father and literally let your very first shared emission be in the elevator on your honeymoon. (I love that, and salute him for his timing.)
I remember the following conversation I had with my wife early on in our relationship, as we drove along in her car:
Me: "So. How long have we been dating now?"
Her: "I dunno. 3 or 4 months?"
Me: (taking her hand) "Well... I think we've been together long enough that I can talk to you about something."
Her: (getting nervous) "Okay...?"
I then rip one.
She laughed. And then rolled down the windows. It's been smooth sailing ever since.
How have you broken this ice? Like sex, how long should one wait? Are the rules different for men and women? Did your loved one find a creative way to introduce this aspect of your relationship?
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Posted by Steven | Archive
My experience has been that it's the man's role to break the ice.
My husband let one go shortly after we had sex for the first time. He's really romantic like that.
i think after the fourth date you're good to go. no warnings needed.
"My experience has been that it's the man's role to break the ice."
Wouldn't "melt the ice" be a wee bit more appropriate?
I had a girlfriend who was never really "okay" with farting. On top of that, she had amazingly acute hearing, and my farts have all the subtlety of a tuba.
I would wait until she was in the other part of the house, and try to let one go as quietly as possible.
"I heard that!" she would quip from the kitchen.
I was always in trouble ...
After seven years of marriage my wife still draws a very hardline on the dutch oven (farting in bed and pulling the sheets over her head.) She has made it very clear that there will be no dutch ovens in this house without severe penalties. Prude!
My boyfriend and I were discussing this very subject yesterday. We've been together for almost a year and a half, and neither of us has farted in the other's company. (My guy friends think this is a travesty.) He suggested that maybe he should just try to let one go, but I nixed that idea real quick. We both agreed that whoever rips one first is going to be laughed at very hard. I say, whoever farts first laughs loudest, my friend.
Rachele with to e's,
May I suggest that you wait for a time when you are both loaded and ready. Then on the count of 3, enjoy a mutual, loving, exchange.
i think these things are like the cake at someone's house. no one wants to cut the first piece, but once someone starts, everyone else feels more comfortable going for it.
My ex-girlfriend farted during sex once.
I can't remember exactly when my husband started farting in front of me...but after being married for 3 years, he holds absolutely nothing back. He'll let one (or two or three) rip, make a comment like, "Whoa! That one smelled like garbage!" or "That one vibrated the floor!" and then hysterically laugh his head off. I know our marriage will last forever, because I find it funny, too.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. I was the first one to rip one in front of him. We were only dating about two weeks and I couldn't stand it anymore. I have gas all the time. We were sitting on his friend's trampoline waiting for them to come back from a concert and I got brave and said (with some liquid courage) "screw this I am going to fart okay?" and let one small one creak out. He looked up and said "thank god" and let like 6 huge rumblers go. Ever since it's been like a competition. He seriously gets jealous when I out stink him. My saying is it is not true love unless you can cut one freely in front of them.
haha like my cousin once put so beautifully...
"You know it's true love when you fart on each other."
My old lady and I met in college, during my prime farting years, so I never had to really worry about breaking, er, melting the ice because, well, we were in the middle of Iowa and, aside from drinking, farting was all we had, dammit. From that point on, we always felt free to float 'em out there whenever the urge hit us. Hell, I even nicknamed her the "Rear Admiral." It's 16 years later now and farting is as much a part of our marriage as paying the bills. We've passed our talents along to our children, who, with our combined gene pool, have well surpassed us with their derriere derring-do. Sometimes though, when the old lady emits a particularly heinous dusting and I feel as if I'm laying next to Ernest Borgnine, I pine for those early days of methane-free bliss. But, when I hear her supressed giggles coming from under the ballooning sheets, I realize I married one special lady.
For the longest time I actually upheld the rule that I wouldn't fart around my fiancee, but once we started living together it was impossible. Now I don't think I could go back if I tried, (and I'm sure she wishes that we could). Now I fart so goddamn much I don't know how I managed to keep the silence for as long as I did.
I've always said three months is the appropriate timeline. I think my wife and I had been together for exactly three months to the day when I "broke the sound barrier". Like many of the other posters have mentioned, we now have a healthy competition, which I tend to win.
BTW, chocky... "derriere derring-do"? Pure gold.
It's only a problem if either party's farts are of the SBD variety. The noise is where the funny's at. Without the noise you've only got the stench and that's never funny. So, I say instead of trying to squeeze out a damp muffler, just rip one to best of your ability, have your laughs, and then gag.
Even though my mother was very open with me about the necessity and naturalness of bodily functions and tried to raise me to be the same way, I was still squeamish about letting one go in front of my significant other. However, once my husband and I realized that having only one bathroom meant we'd have to be in it simultaneously to get ready in the morning, there was no longer a problem in our relationship with the SOUND of passing gas. I do still try to be polite about it and say "Excuse me," but that's mostly so that the kids will understand the importance of good manners.
Now my only problem is that he has, without a doubt, the SMELLIEST farts I have ever smelled. And I grew up around some very fart-tastic people. So if I have to talk to him when he's on the porcelain throne, I make sure the door is wide open, and that I'm standing on the other side of it. And if he farts when we're in the shower together, forget it. I have to physically hold my nose shut to keep my nose hairs from burning. We also sleep with a box fan on at night, that any gas either of us release may quickly be blown out the door.
It's been very interesting this Easter holiday, what with all the deviled eggs and tuna salad...
i think a lot of the rules should relate to asymmetries in fart production. just like a factory that pollutes the air, the person doing the farting should have to pay the fine.
i had a pretty casual girlfriend in college who didn't get too upset about things in general. but she had a pretty sensitive nose. the first time i accidentally let out a stinker I tried to compensate by 'filtering' and 'redirecting' the air with a couple of large gasps of my marathon-running induced supersize lungs. she thought that was pretty funny. and the smell isn't that bad when you made it.
You must have sex before the first fart and you both should be drunk. My wife of 14 years let a little one slip out after a night of drinking. We got engaged a week later.
While currently in the blissful state of significant-other-free, I do have a story from my parents to share. My mother is the Queen of Loud Farts, which do not tend to smell bad (as opposed to my dad's sbds, which can kill small rodents with their potency). One of my earliest memories is of my dad calling my mom a pet name (there will be no surprise they're divorced now): Blasto.
After six years together, we enjoy the game of "pull my finger".
No Dutch Ovens, but we also enjoy the chance to outdo each other for smelliness. Driving your partner out of the room is a great triumph.
I have to agree:
dutch oven = love
Mr Man likes to drop bombs in grocery store aisles asI shop behind him. we tend to shop pretty fast as were bailing out of aisles lickety split leaving the bomb to infect others.
I forget who farted first - but I burped first. Right in the middle of our first kiss/makeout session. Not a big one but I was SOOOOO embarrassed...
and he called me back, what a guy! Been together ten years and married five in july.
Oh yeah, I can run him out of the HOUSE if I eat burger king Onion rings. Even the dogs dive bomb off the bed.
I say blame it on the teddy bear... Especially if it is a "silent killer"
I've been with my wife for 11 years. Married 8. I have never heard or smelled any gas from the woman the entire time we've been together. In fact I beleive she doesn't have a bowel either. We only have one bathroom and I've never even smelt any remnants. Me on the other hand. I let go whenever and wherever. No Dutch ovens though. That's just mean!
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now, and if I remember correctly, neither of us really "broke the ice". All I remember is a conversation with him, regarding the fact that we BOTH let them rip in our sleep. And with a little coercing, he convinced me that it was ok to fart in front of him.
His are loud. Mine are smelly.
He calls me "Stinky Girl". Ah, the joys of being in love!
Perhaps we've gotten a bit TOO comfortable with it. Every once in awhile, one or two will slip out during sex, and we don't even acknowledge it. We just keep on with our love makin'. Lol.
The first time I went to the house of the gent I'm dating, I noticed through the bathroom door that he was a particularly gassious human (not surprising in that he lives in an hispanic neighborhood and is a lover of the burito). Yet despite the rather spectacular noise production he demonstrated behind that closed door, for some three or four months he never let one slip in any other situation.
Then, after a jovial night of bar-hopping, he let one slip in the kitchen accompanied with a pose and commically innocent face. Now, whenever the urge strikes him, he still strikes a pose and composes an expression of sublime angelic innocence.
I find this so terribly amusing I almost don't have the heart to tell him that my family used to discuss the relative merrits of the Butt Flapper (my father) or the SBD (my step-mother) loudly and with emotion at the dinner table, in restraunts, in the car, over morning coffee... usually accompanied by the sound and/or odor of the topic.
My boyfriend and I have been going together for 4 years now and we're really comfortable around eachother. Like, he'll eek one off and not say anything (but man do his fart's WREAK so I know every time that he does) and I'm more of a, "pardon me, but I'm about to be gross" and then I'll try to fart as loud as I can. And then we both giggle, cuz we're cool like that. And then he says that he can't smell my farts (his sense of smell is nearly non-existant)...so we're kind of exact opposites of the fart-spectrum...he's sneaky and stinky and I make a production out of it but he wouldn't notice if I didn't say anything.
either fart really loud and deny it or don't bother farting.
After Dating for about eight months, My now wife and I went out for italian(a personal fart catalyst). Afterwards we went over to her house to watch a movie. Half way through the movie I was already holding a couple back and was having to make a concious effort to do so. Twenty minutes later I started to fall asleep and fought with all my might to stay awake, but exhaustion won and right as I closed my eyes I ripped an itsy bitsy teeny one. My wife stared, I said excuse me, she was a bit miffed at me but not too bad. Once again I started to drift off and again a small insignificant fart and this time all hell broke loose! she got really mad and accused me of 'doing it on purpose' (I wish I could fart on purpose!) and accused me of not loving her anymore! She said that I was obviously passed the stage of trying to impress her and that I wasn't interested in her anymore.
Eventually she got over it, but this will go down in the history of our relationship as our first fight.
I did it first. I believe it was on our second date. There was no previous warning or anything. I was just sitting there, and let one go - pretty loudly, as I recall.
I personally feel you should just do it and get it out of the way. Everyone does it, there's no point in holding them back for the fear of being embarrassed.
Of course, I think perhaps, between the two of us, we joke about it too much. My 9-year-old daughter came home from school the first day of the year. She said she'd been sitting in class, and let this huge, loud one rip - it echoed through the room. The kids started laughing, and the teacher turned around and said "Who did that?" and my daughter raised her hand and said, unshamelessly, "I did. Pretty good, huh?"
After laughing at this for 20 minutes, I had to try to explain to her that there are times when it's funny, and times when it's not. There *is* an etiquette to farting. Don't forget to teach your children this :)
I should consult my sister's husband. My sister had a colostomy before they married and quite literally no longer has an asshole. Wonder how long her husband felt he had to wait before he could let one rip.
Funny, I have zero desire to ask him...
I'm with Jenna: I like the man to toot first. Afterwards, I can always plead, "Well YOU started it, mister!"
I disagree with the few people who've put down silent farts. My partner of three years is a master of the SBD. We'll be somewhere very public (the subway for example) and I'll smell it and look over at her. She'll be standing there with an innocent angel face on until we both chuckle at the poor others who aren't used to her smell... ah how Ilove her.
I'm a pretty gassy guy. I am well known in these parts to float and air biscuit quite often. I say make it loud and be proud. Though when it came to the ladies, I'd always hold back until they were away or I could make a quick exit. I never had any kind of time frame, it was just one of things you knew when it was ok.
My wife and I had been dating for about 2 months. She, a friend of mine, and I were all at my apartment throwing back a few drinks one evening when it finally happened. She was a bit tipsy and let an SBD slip while I was in the other room. I came back in to my friend running to the front door holding his nose, and her sitting on the floor laughing her head off. Needless to say it wasn't long after that, that I introduced her to my intestinal fortitude.
I was camping with my parents once, when my dad told my mom to put her head under the covers because he was going to sneeze. She did, and he dropped ass. No deduction needed on where I get it from.
Life advice I received from a former boss:
Fart early, fart often.
My guy and I have been together for 3 years and we're always letting them rip around each other, though I don't remember when it started. It's natural!! You're supposed to fart everyday! And when you spend all day with your significant other, it's bound to happen. He'll sometimes clear the room, but usually we just laugh about it...or groan, if we know one of us will have to get up and leave the room in order to breathe.
I actually had this discussion with my boyfriend recently. See, we'd farted in front of each other since the beginning of our relationship. Neither, however, would acknowledge it so we ignored it. Ever since we said "I love you" it's been a whole new world of dutch ovens and SBD's. We make a spectacle of it; like the time we were driving, and he let off the gas, opened MY window, turned off the music, and farted really loudly!
*tip for guys: do NOT fart repeatedly in a bathroom and lock your girlfriend inside!!! This is a bad move that can result in a nice trip to the doghouse!!
Ah, I remember it well. We had been together about 6 months I guess, and we had Domino's pizza for dinner. Round about bedtime, I cut a particularly aromatic one, reducing wifey to tears. She's never been much of a farter, burping's her thing, and she's passed the talent down to our daughter, who's 10. A few weeks ago she came home and proudly announced that she'd beaten a 16 year old boy in a burping contest. She even went on to critique where he went wrong, and how her style of burping, from deep in the belly, was superior. I'm sure that this talent will come in handy at frat parties in 2012. Our 5 year old son is quickly gaining on her, producing burps far louder than you'd think his size would allow. I'm hoping that this becomes an Olympic event soon, or at least a reality TV show.
I think I'll have my wife's gastric miasma pumped into a bell-jar, for my widowery delectation, when she dies.
Wait, what wife?
My God, how deep does this dream go...
My wife and I decided it was only fair to make up a verbal code if they were going to be silent but deadly. If we're around other people, we usually say (kind of sing-songy) "la la la" under our breath. If we're at home, then we can act more proud of our achievement and loudly proclaim: "Ta Da!"
The best line when someone let's one rip around you:
"Gee, your voice has changed but your breath still smells the same."
My dad would say that all the time.
Going on 9 years of marriage now and I can't honestly remember who blew first but it is now officially 'on'! My wife will ask me to spoon her in bed, as loving couples will do, and then rip one 5 minutes later. Or she'll float an air biscut under the covers right before I get in bed so a wall of odor hits me when I open the covers. I think we've reached the comfort zone.
I'm married to Amber, and my favorite methane memory is when we were shopping together at a department store (post ice melting). I was walking in front of her in a very narrow aisle and let a huge long one that lasted the entire length of the aisle. I let it out gradually, so that with each exagggerated step a little more came out. At the end of the aisle I turned around to proudly receive the praise I deserved, and found a quite disgusted middle aged woman. Apparently she was in a hurry and rudely cut off Amber and was trying to pass me. Serves her right!
Or was it the time I let off a bomb in front of the tshirt stand at Snoop Dogg, that people actually screamed and ran, thinking it was a stink bomb?
But Amber's crowning moment was the hour drive after an Ukranian wedding. I honestly drove the whole way with my head out the window listening to "hehehe, sorry. Whoops here comes another one! Hahaha, woo! Sorry, that was a bad one! Uh oh, hehehe, I can't help it! Here's the last one, I swear, woah, maybe not, hehehe!"
My husband has a pretty flat ass and so is perfectly equipped for SBDs. I hate these hypocritical farts! They're so quiet, and then I''m running for the toilet gagging. The very first time that he told me he loved me, he was sitting in his Honda Accord in the driver's seat and I was leaning into the window, staring dreamily into his eyes. "I love you," he crooned, as a cloud of noxious gases swirled around our heads. I'm really hurt that this lovely memory is tainted by that horrible odor of fermented beans.
I would LOVE fair warning, a good long BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPHH but NOOOOOOOOO!
Have you asked Dr Michael about this one? I'm sure he has the definitive answer.....
A very important concept is missing from this conversation...
The Speed of Fart = the time it take from the deed to the detection.
TSF=fn[fart humidity, noise level, bean/cabbage/pepper/onion content, ambient wind, olfactory sensitivity of target, ass armour factor, ass angle factor (directly into a cushion really slows it down), time to reach the next floor (elevator farts only)]
A related concept is The Speed of Fart Production. A master farter (like me) can go from bite to bilge in under 20 minutes. TSFP + TSF < 20, I've been told, repeatedly, approaches the bounds of human capability.
The first time I farted with my girlfriend I made sure to make them silent. But after awhile I took off the silencer and farted in her face... now she just scoots away from me when I fart. Isn't love great!
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years...and we will pretty much hold eachother down, or try to trap eachother under blankets so that we can fart in eachother's faces. How long has this been going on? Pretty much since the beginning....I think, when you can love their bathroom humor, it's a sign that the relationship is good...much like the Sims that won't share a bathroom if they aren't getting along.
My husband definitely farted first in our relationship. He farts long, loud and often and he is proud of them and laughs at himself. I find it to be rather gross the immense pride he takes in farting. I rarely fart in his presence but when I do he acts shocked and outraged as if women don't have assholes or something. It's a double standard I tell you!
I introduced farting into my relationship very early. I told my girlfriend that it was my way of saying "I love you" from the other end. She thought it was sweet except that I do it all the time and it seems to make her light headed or as I like to say "swoon". I'd charaterize my gas as an elloquent blend of both major camps. They exhibit the rancid aroma of an SBD but have the deep "throaty" sound of a cruiseliner's fog horn. I've been developing this blend all my life with the mentorship of a master, my dad. The man actually made a dog pass out once with a wicked blast.
I broached the subject with my last girl friend while on a hike in the woods. At the appropriate moment, I leaned forward while standing on one foot and announced, "Listen, a barking tree frog!"
And sure enough, there it was.
Her specialty was belching, a whole 'nother topic
My wifes nick name is Fart Nasty ("Bust a Wind Homie") She often gets banished to the bathroom after a string of devestating gas attacks. Seriously though, they are so foul I think she should go to a doctor and get her poop chute examined.
me and my wife have been married for about 7 years.. one night I was laying in bed she was still on her computer so I thought.. well I had my cannon facing her side of the bed and let one go.. kind of across the bow.. and she was walking in the bedroom at the same time it fired.. she says 'Oh no! you didn't let that off on my side of the bed' then procedded to left the blankets up and down like waving the flag of dishonor and froze me out... I won't be doing that again.
I went out with a guy for 6-1/2 years and never once heard him fart. There's something very wrong with that. My husband is teaching our daughter all kinds of quips to say after he or she farts. She's two.
Once I farted in my 10x10 dorm room while my roommate was out. As she returned, I heard her yelling half-way down the hall before she even reached the room. It was the middle of winter, but it smelled so horrible that we had to open both windows and blast two fans to clear things out.
Apparently, I fell asleep before my boyfriend one night, and as we were spooning, I blasted one right on him. I had rolled over on top of him so that he was pinned down and could not get up, or wake me up. He calls me sweetie-poops.
I have yet to test this topic in a romantic relationship, but my crowning moment of social glory was in elementary school. I think I was eight. We were just all piling into the building right after recess, and we were moving waaaaaay too slowly.
I had to let it go. It was a SBD -- pungent, and most importantly, lingering. Someone shouted, "Who pooped their pants!?" While students were frantically fanning the air and teachers tried to control their pained expressions, I kept a look of nonchalance and shot suspicious glances at everyone else. To this day, I don't think anyone has suspected me.
We've given each other names over our farting fiascos... When it's all lovey dovey, my name is Pocohontas or Bella... but when it's that time, when we're lying in bed and you've just gotta let one loose under the sheets, I go from Bella to Passing Wind. Such love, I tell you. Wise words: Better to bear the shame than bear the pain.
Never happens in my relationship. It's the only thing I don't want happening in front of me. I figure that the bathroom is just down the hall, so it's not that long a walk.
The sleeping ones? ok, you have no control over that. But I don't want to be with someone who's farting and fuming all over the place - could have something to do with my boyfriend at 20 who stuck my head under the covers.
Once I let out an SBD while my fiance was removing my panties. Good times!
I'm about five months pregnant and this kid is killing me from the inside out. I have never been a gassy person but pregnancy? SHee-ite. I shock myself. I turn to the husband and say, "I'm sorry." He'll say, "For what?" And I'll say, "Oh. Just wait."
Baby toots. Just the worst.
Hubby had a double standard going. It was OK for him but not for me (unlady-like ya know.) I came from a family that did the knock-on-wood-put-thumb-on-forehead last one eats it fart game.
Poor guy. He's an amateur. Although, every now and then his PDF's (pre dump farts) can give me a run for the money.
The first time I dropped one in front of my now husband came at a real inappropriate time.
He was massaging the back of my thigh, and it tickled...so I started to laugh, and laugh hard, and then all of a sudden "BRRRAAAPPPP". Yeah.
He took off running, around the corner into the bathroom.... I was so embarassed. He just peeked around the wall and asked if the fog had lifted.
5 Years later, I can finally laugh about it.
My husband never had issues farting in front of me - nor have any of his friends. The first time I did it in front of him was after we'd been together a little over a year. It accidentally slipped out - he laughed, I laughed - that was the end of it. Or so I thought. Later that day I returned to his apartment to find a sign my now husband and his roommate had made commemorating the occasion. Needless to say, I was mortified.
my ex-gf never farted in front of me, and i never did too... but my girl bestfriend once let out a bomb (but not a stinker... whew) in front of me. she was so mortified. it was funny, coz i was dropping silent scentless bombs the whole time.
Me and my wife of 2 years have been together for 9 years since high school (aww, isn't that sweet?) Well during those early years we quickly got over our "olfactory indiscretions" --Partly due to her family's penchant for show-stopping thunder-blows and my unusual love for cheese and jalapenos.
But the topper came during one late night as I had snuck into her room for late night hot-teenager sex! (aww, isn't that sweet?...um, wait)
Well after I had pulled an all-night shift at the Pizza Parlor that I reigned over, I was having quite the little tummy ache. It got so painful, that I was convulsing in her room, literally about to explode. And my fear of her monstrously huge father walking into the bathroom as a strange naked boy sits on his crapper was not something I was ready to address. So I had to get dressed and drive all the way home. (do have any idea how far 5 blocks seems when a demon is being birthed out of your backside? I'm sure you do not)
I thought that episode would spell the beginning of the end of my relationship with her. BUT only 5 weeks later, she sat and snickered as a nurse administered an enema into my smooth silky white ass. Turns out working at a pizza parlor and only eating cheese based products HURTS your colon.
Now my wife adores me and tells that story to every GODDAM person she meets.
Oh well. She's hot. I really can't complain.
It was our second date and I went home with him. He lived in this sleazy hotel, and this had an adjoining bathroom in which he shared with another tenant. He had to go to the bathroom, was trying to be as discreet as possible, and I couldn't help but hear his emissions from the other room! I laughed so hard and as much as I tried not letting on that I knew about the pooping....I could hold it in no longer! I was WAILING! I've not stopped laughing since then, but now I contribute my own methanic chorus.
When i feel that i have one coming i just say "Have you heard the latest?" and when she says "no" i let it go =)
I'm from scandinavia and my english is a bit rusty but I'll try to tell you about the first time.
My ex-boyfriend and I started passing gas in front of eachother after a week. I was sitting in front of him watching tv. He sat in a couch and I sat between his legs on the floor and his parents were sitting in the other room. My ex then started to tickle me and he knew that my stomach was in pretty bad shape after the numerous eggsandwiches we had for dinner. I started to laugh and Oooops! there it blew. the loudest and most nosekilling thing that has ever left my body until present day. He ran out on the balcony squeeking of laughter and his mother came in to the room and fell in to a lughing pile struggling to get air. His father whom I was terrified of until that moment started laughing and blamed the whole thing on the dog.
I was really ashamed but couldn't stop laughing = another one rips. At this moment the dogs don't even want to share a room with me and looks at me like they are shocked that a human can stink that much.
Since then we could do anything in front of each other.
My family have always been very open about farting and the crowning moment as told by my parents was when my father, while out driving with my mother on a hot summer day, all the windows rolled down because at the time cars did not have airconditioning, asked her and the kids in the back to roll up their windows. The kids in the back was my oldest brother and a cousin, so my parents had been married for some five or six years, and they all obeyed the suggestion to close the windows. How often do you get asked this while driving? It's an innocent question. When all the windows were closed my father, who has a mighty foghorn-farting ass, let one rip that was loud AND deadly while the entire car collapsed in laughter, my mother swore and hit him, demanding him to stop the car.
It is his proudest moment.
I on the other hand, who had a room on the same floor as the parents in the old house would sometimese wake up and then be unable to get up for several minutes because my father's "morning salute" as I like to call them, would thunder through the house making me laugh until tears start. Through three closed doors I could still sometimes hear the fart that in my mind _surely_ made the covers flap like in an oceanic breeze.
You people are sick...you should never ever let one rip infront of your girlfriend. goddamit wheres your manners ??? haha
Only kidding. I say let one rip on the first date, so she knows what your made of hahaha.
Keeping it real :)
omg, i have just laughed myself silly. but i guess we've all had car windows locked (for me by my xbf) or been subjected to a dutch oven (by my best friend at age 8 and also by that same xbf). i feel like breaking wind right now to show my support for all of you sick bastards...how is this and pulling of the finger so funny and such a common human behavior??
o m g.. this has been a hilarious read :)
have yet to do it in front of a girlfriend.. tho at home with my family we sometimes like to compete, we are all pretty good. But my brother.. phew.. silent and deadly, and in all places: church.. I know his farts, and sometimes during sunday mass i can smell them, but he hasnt denied them or confessed them!
Proudest moment? I was working ass a long haul truck driver. Now I mean to tell you that truckers, because of what they eat, the vibrations from their rigs, and the odd hours they keep, are a rather malorderous group. And it takes alot to surprise or shack a group of drivers in a bathroom.
One morning I was feeling particularly gassy as I headed to the bathroom for the traditional three S's (shit, shower and shave). This particular truck stop had really nice floor to ceiling tiled wall patitions between the commodes with nice doors for privacy. Anyway, as is common there was a line for each head, and I strained my patience to the limits waiting my turn. It arrived. I entered and did my business, and the gas clouds that went with it were stinging MY eyes. As I departed the booth, I warned the next driver in line that he might want to give it 30 sec to a minute to air out with the door open. (Courtesy counts even amoung truckers!) He laughed and another trucker hollers over that I must be feeling pretty tough for a greenhorn(a driver with less than a years experience). No sooner had that comment gotten a good laugh when the driver that followed me in the heard erupts from the stall holding his nose and gasping for air through a kercheif covered mouth. He sees me through his streaming watering eyes and yells, "You warned me, I should have listened!" I walked out of that Bathroom to the applause of about 25 other drivers.
And, no, I no longer drive truck for a living.
The first time I farted in front of my girlfriend (now fiancee) was after a particularly hard day at work about a month after we were going together. We were in bed in the cold basement of her aunt's house and I was too tired to hold it in. I shivered and out it flew. It was quiet for a couple minutes and then she burst out laughing. And with her laughing came farting. So I laughed. And out flew another one. We continued until both of us were in tears and we had to fluff the blankets to get rid of the smell. I knew at that moment she was one in a million.
Couple of points...my family was one of the "let'er fly and let's see if you're worthy" type bunches, with some...ahem..."extra enhancement." Coming from such a background, girlfriends get one date- then it's time to see if they can deal with, shall we say, "all of me."
I know the trucker bit...dad drove for years, and I frequently went along. A good breakfast and 8 hours of riding in something that rattles your teeth like a paint mixer- recipe for Green Wind Extraordinaire.
As for the colostomy comment- anyone remember the early '70s-ish weight loss fad "intestinal bypass surgery?" I don't care if you're a Grand Master/Mistress of the Ill Wind- do NOT challenge someone who has had this done, as my mother has. You will NOT win- and you will undoubtedly regret the vain attempt until your nose hair grows back. Add the "locked windows" bit and you've got my aunt and her daughter- the aunt had a bypass, and would viciously lock the power windows. My cousin was always sketching in an art book. She put a stop to the window-locking with one simple hastily-sketched sign held up to her window: "Help me- she farted!!"
And finally..ramblinman69 can vouch for this one, having been present- his cat farted on me, and I retaliated. Cat fell off my lap and hit the floor, out colder than an iron wedge. Never pick a fart feud with someone whose stomach is larger than you are. Suffice to say, with this background, no girlfriend ever stood a chance of doing more than competing well. So far. The first one who can bowl me over gets an on-the-spot proposal.
And how funny can it be? Do a search for Gene Tracy - the comedy track in question is titled "World Championship Crepintation Contest." If you find it...don't listen to it while driving. Trust me. The infamous Blazing Saddles campfire scene has nothing on this.
jag slickade min flickas mutta sen fes jag henne i munnen.. hon tyckte om det å njöt..
I wasn't shy about it. I let one rip as soon as I felt we'd been seeing each other long enough to be comfortable with one another, about a week. I've never been a real serious type of guy, so when the mood struck, I stepped on a duck and blamed God.
It helped that pinto beans had been served for lunch...
I grew up in a family where we were not allowed to fart - it just "wasn't done" and we DIDN'T. When I moved out of home at age 18 I was impossible to be around for the first 6 months since I could not get over the pleasure of being able to fart at will. I don't remember when my husband and I started farting in front of each other, but he often wishes he could impose a no farting policy on me like my parents did.
I used to be able to clear houses with fart power, although the majority of that ability was due to an intestinal problem (I can't digest meat well). The prize of my career came two weeks after my marriage, when my wife cooked up brussel sprouts for dinner. I despise them, but they give her incredible toot power and she was merrily playing the ass horn within an hour of dinner. I, who had not eaten, went down to a local burger joint, had a green chile double cheeseburger and proceeded to prove that there is such a thing as loud, proud and lethal...
The most amusing part of the story came while I was asleep that night, having turned the house into a methane lab for an entire evening with my wife's help. At three in the morning, my wife gets up to get some water and ends up nudging me to get me to give her a little more space in the bed when she gets back in. As I rolled over, I apparently let go of a ten-note wonder that wandered up and down the scale for nearly a minute. As I was asleep, I cannot attest to the power, length, skill or potency, but my wife was extremely impressed...
Oh, and a side note: my brother-in-law is the king of "spy farts," the nasty, near-silent wonders that you can usually shift the blame for onto someone else. His advice is as follows: when in a crowd, wait until you are going through a doorway before you drop one of these bombs. In this way, you not only avoid detection, but you have the added satisfaction of knowing you have made the maximum number of people suffer.
Me , i can´t be in a relationship without being able to let one go whenever i feel like it.
Me and my girlfriend´s been with each other for 3 and a half years. First date we had sex , next day she said she loved me and the day after i let a big one go. SMOOOOOOOOTH as ice, im a regular fartmachine, and shes still with me =)
Farting is a test on how long a relationship might last, its an icebreaker. If you can fart in ones presence and she/he is ok with it , then you´ve got a keeper =) Greeeeetings from SWEDEN
thankyou all so much for your stories I was feeling a bit down but now i feel fantastic after all the laughs i have had.....
O-MI-FRICKIN'-GAWD! My boss came out from down the hall to see just what the hell I was laughing at! The hall that I'm talking about is about 25 feet away from my desk, at the end of an "L" shape.
My first experience with a "significant other" was with my soon-to-be wife - I had stayed up reading and she had fallen asleep. It was a SBD that crept out of the covers, and I swear to God that there was a greenish fog! She had a little smile on her face, but I honestly had to get up and go out to the living room for a few minutes. It was SO bad, I was afraid to light a cigarette! This was 6 years ago, and now we usually compete at night, in bed, watching TV. No Dutch Ovens or anything, just straight out butt-whistling.
I don't remember the first time I cut the cheese in front of my present other half, but she is not the one of whom I wish to speak.
One day, whilst enjoying a tender moment in the bath together with an ex of mine, we were naked and wet with her lying back on me as though I were a comfy chair. Imagine, if you will, the sweet caress of ass-gas bubbles finding their way from her submirged poozooka launcher along any convenient path to the poor, unsuspecting air. The tickle of the bubbles against my skin was almost arousing. The stench wasn't quite so erotic, but I was just glad that she didn't produce anything more substantial, to be honest.
My girlfriend and I had only been out on a few dates at the time and I was showing her how I can easily put my leg behind my head. She said "sure, I can do that, too", and proceeded to try VERY hard to get her leg behind her head. Sure enough, with her rear pointed directly at my head an unignorable peep came out of her. Since then, we've been cool with it.
My best memory of this is the missus letting loose an SBD when we were standing at the deli cheese section in the grocery store, and hearing about fifteen seconds later someone commenting on how fragrant the cheese was that day.
Wow, this is easily one of the best threads I've ever read anywhere.
I don't remember when my fiancee and I started farting in front of each other, but once we'd been comfortable enough for a regular occurance, I recall a particularly humerous experience...
We were at my parents' house snuggling upstairs in my teenage brother's bed (no, not foolin' around). I heard a car pull up, and expecting my step dad to be returning, I poked my head up to look out the window. Valerie promptly got up and sat on my side, pinning me to the bed, and let fly with one of the most monstrous of farts. She became an instant hero to my lil' bro.
Since everyone has been so kind as to share parental stories, I'll go ahead too, but I must preface briefly. Most men tend to save their underwear until there's naught left but a few threads and a waistband (guys, you know what I'm talking about). My step-dad is no different, and my mom informed me of one of the best farts ever:
One night, when my mom climbed into bed with my step-dad, he allegedly blasted a king among farts, and blew the ass out of his undies! It's no wonder I look up to my step-dad!
I have laughed until I cried reading these stories - I love it!
My proudest moment happened when I was in the 7th grade. I was in science class, and we had these little metal stools to sit on. It was near the end of class, and the room was quiet as everyone got a start on homework. I was sitting next to one of the most popular guys in school (a real jerk), and I let a massive one rip. I looked at him in horror and said, "You nasty bastard!"
*snort* He was teased for weeks.
When my parents were dating, my mom thought my dad was so chivalrous when he would open her car door for her. Much later she found out that he did that so he could let loose with the farts as he walked around the car to the driver's side. He was being more considerate than she guessed!
oh, i forgot i have another story about my sister. she was doing sit-ups with her boyfriend when she cut one for the first time in front of him. instead of being freaked out, he said it "blessed his heart" that she was comfortable enough with him to let one fly.
I took GasX or some other strange non gas medication for about 2 months in the beginning of the relationship with my now husband. I know it is wrong now...I'm a gassy girl, and I tried to pretend I wasn't. The crazy thing was...I don't think the pills did a thing! Not. One. Thing. The only thing that changed with taking the stuff was that my buttcheeks just got stronger from holding them back...yikes.
I imagine soon after he told me he loved me did I begin to let 'em go. It doesn't matter now, because mine are adoreable and his smell like he ate dead people for lunch.
I think I beat my husband as the first offender. More importantly, we have a lot of laughs trying to impress/out-do each other. My husbands problem is he likes to tempt fate... walk too close to the edge, all just trying to impress his loving wife. The first time it happened we were coming out of a store, and he pushed out a pretty good fart. When we got to the car, he asked me to check out the back of his pants. Sure enough, to both our horror, he'd crossed the line and shat himself. He hovered over the seat as I drove the short ride home.
Unfortunately, this was not the last time this has happened...and I often remind him to not push too hard in pursuit of glory.
Let's get this out of the way...I farted first. But here's what I really need to say, and I'm hoping someone can back me up on this one...GIRL FARTS MIGHT VERY WELL BE THE MOST POISONOUS OLFACTORY INSULT ON THE PLANET. Why is that? Maybe the ovaries and uterus do some extra damage to what's gurgling around in there before gaseous release. Any doctors out there? This might just be one of those medical mysteries, on par with why wint-o-green lifesavers spark when crunched.
So THAT's it! That's where I'm going wrong! I need to find me a man who doesn't gag and run, but merrily honks an answer!!
Thank you, Farty Friends... it's good to know I'm not alone...
It seems that I'm never gaseous until I'm in a relationship. (Or maybe I just don't notice) I don't want to fart too early on in our dating. I'll usually put the subject on the table after we've had sex and slept for the first time. I usually ask her if I kept her up from snoring, farting or drooling. You'll notice that I plant the farting right in the middle of the question. After that, it seems easier to talk about.
I personally love a girl that farts and is cool about it. I think most guys are. Once she and I are comfy with the subject, it's time to have fun with it. Play "pull my finger", dutch ovens, etc.
One of my ex girl friends would, after farting loudly, say, "Talk to me, Toothless!" It cracked me up everytime. I once farted and she said, "huh?" Guess she thought I'd said something. (hehe) So, I quoted my uncle and told her that it was just some bad-breathed ass-hole talking shit behind my back. It took her a second, but it pulled a good laugh. After that, it was a household quote.
my husband finds it funny to fart on me when i am sleeping and to let it rip on my leg and wake me up screaming... hahaha so funny eh
My ex-girlfriend once let one go, while we were in a "sixty-niner"...I cannot recommend that....
My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years now and married for almost 2. We have never farted in each other's presence. What makes this especially ironic is that we had sex only hours after we first met, before we knew each other's last name.
He's just sort of weird about that stuff. Me, I couldn't care less. I grew up in a family where farts were funny. But my husband just doesn't feel comfortable with that, and it embarrasses him, so....4.5 years later, and I'm still having to run to another room to let one rip. WTF???!!?
We've been married for 16 years, so farting is no big deal for us.
The best fart story of ours is this: Hubby was at my dad's house, dad stepped outside for something when hubby let one rip. It was RIPE! Dad walked back inside right after and daddy dearest let one rip, then he smelled hubby's ripe one and thought it was his. Daddy screwed up his face, waved his hands and said something like, "My Gawd that one stunk!" Hubby never said a word.
Some of you just scare me :P
I was raised in Southern Louisiana, way out in the middle of nowhere. Yet I still had southern grace and mannerisms ingrained into my head since the day I was born.
I have never, ever passed gas in front of any boyfriend, or friends, or anyone.
It's just not lady-like. And I am very much a lady.
To give you an example of how I was raised,
When I was in 6th grade (I was what, 12?), a classmate of mine got detention for saying the following:
"Excuse me, Excuse me
Down to my heart.
If it wouldn't have been a belch,
It would have been a fart."
She got in trouble because even just saying the word "fart" was considered very un-lady-like. AND no parents complained. They all agreed!
Southern Belle indeed! :/
I've farted in front of the bf many times (although I'm no match for him), but the most memorable fart moment happened when I stayed out of town at a friend' house. I was sleeping on her couch, and around 2 a.m. I farted so loud I woke myself up. I haven't asked, but I'm concerned that I may have also awakened my friend and her husband as well.
my boyfried and i had been together for maybe three months when his neighbors invited us for dinner. we ate pizza and wings and sat around and talked. after a while the boy and i got bored and horny so we went to their bathroom and had sex. it's something we're kinda known for. anyway, we went outside for a post coital cigarette and he pulled me close and squeezed. and i farted. it was so damn embarrasing. fourtunately it didn't smell at all.
but the first time he farted in front of me is the best. we were in bed sleeping but then he got up to go to the bathroom and it woke me up. he made so much noise in there peeing, washing his hands, blowing his nose but when he came out he obviously was trying to be careful not to wake me up. i felt him lift up the covers and start to slide into bed and then he farted. one of those quiet, smooth ones thats more like someone opening a valve on a gas tank than a fart. then he sighed a deep relaxed sigh and finished getting in bed. and i started to giggle.
My wife farted ON me before we even had our first date. It was a crowded couch and everyone was stuffed with beer and hamburgers, there was nowhere to go with it. She scored major kudos with all the guys and paved the way for the rest of the women that night. i asked her out that the next day and its been an intestinal competition ever since. (she even eeked one out during the wedding..thank god it wasnt a steamer!)
I don't remember if my first boyfriend and I ever farted in front of each other, but I know my husband and I sure do! I remember the first time he farted in front of me, we on the bed. He was reclining and said "Oh, you know what?" and I said, "What?" and he lifted one of his legs straight in the air and farted. I was so shocked that he did that and then I couldn't stop laughing. 7 years later, we are dozing one cold winter morning, all cuddled up. I let one of those really good, satisfying morning farts out, only to hear him exclaim, "Damn woman, that warmed me up!"
The first time I farted around my mate was when I was getting my salad tossed. And I am NOT making that up...my legs went in the air and he got a mouthful of foul (by accident of course)! I rolled off the bed screaming in laughter and he soon joined me!
We then proceeded to have the best sex of our lives!
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost three years now. And no, I have never "farted" in her presence. I notice that many people here defend this practice as "totally natural." Well, guess what? So is picking your nose, defecating, and coughing up phlegm. All very "natural." I understand why 4-year-olds find farting funny, but I'm not sure why adults laugh at it. I sit through movies where the big joke in a scene is someone farting. The first 50 times I saw that in a movie, I just rolled my eyes. After about the 100th time, I just starting feeling sorry for the actors and "writers" who go to this well again and again. In fact, I think the "laughter" you hear from the audiences comes more from feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable, as opposed to amused.
But back to the point. I don't think anyone really finds it appealing or attractive to watch someone pick their nose, or to defecate, or to smell/listen to someone's expulsion of gas. Yes, all these things are "natural." But when I have to pick my nose, or defecate, or eliminate gas, I do not subject my girlfriend to it. I go to the bathroom and do it in private - because I think it's nice to have some class.
To comment again, I would like to say that farts six hours after eating Burger King onion rings will run the dogs out of the room, and make your eyes water BIG TIME.
I can't remember any specific instances, but I know I must have farted in front of my boyfriend of over a year at least once. However, my silents are a lot sneakier than I thought. Coming from a very traditional New England background, he has defined ideas about propriety and some of them are pretty off. A month or so ago, he told me that he was devastated when a girl let one rip near him at the drugstore, because "girls don't fart!"
Being a dog, I expect a little leniency with the whole excremental type of thing. But to go on record, I let my first public SBD (silent but deadly) go whilst perched atop the couch, my ass parked directly behind the ears, nose and throat of my Mommy. Since then I've felt less pressue to hold the air in, and my air has increased in stinkiness and frequency.
But my parents still love me, and that is very important.
I can't remember who cut the cheese first, but I'm pretty sure it was me. I could probably qualify for a prescription for the greater public good, but that's just no fun.
Anyways, my wife and I have been married for about a year and have been together for 7. I don't remember her cutting loose until the last year or two, but I do remember the first time I heard her I thought, "Geeze, it's about time!" and haven't felt guilty since.
As she gives me grief everytime, I try to spare her on occasion to spare myself in turn. For whatever reason, EVERY SINGLE TIME I do that, she'll show up about 2 seconds after I depressurize! She could be sitting on the couch engrossed in a movie and I'm running all over doing things, and as soon as I cut one, there she is. Those always fall under the "Well it's YOUR fault for following me in here!" category. I try the same thing while shopping, and she effortlessly tracks me down within a few seconds to show me something. Those situations are the best because she'll get too embarassed to say anything and beats a hasty retreat.
ahhhh, good times!
While my wife and I have farted in each other's presence for some time, i feel we really grew together as a family when my scrupulously polite mother farted in our presence. I lived in a small manhattan studio at the time, and both my parents and my wife (then fiancee) were visiting. Mom and dad slept on the bed, fiancee and I on the floor. Just as mom relaxed and fell asleep, an exuberant fart escaped from her prudish loins. She sat bolt upright in bed, startled, and answered herself: "What?! What's wrong?" We were laughing so hard it took several minutes to convey to her what had happened.
Thanks for sharing all the hilarious stories.
My husband was always one to share his odors. However, the best one he ever ripped, was when he was sleeping. It was a SBD that was so toxic he woke himself up.
I blame him for his influence on my children. I once caught the six year old, standing on the top of the stairs calling the 4 year old. The 4 year old ran up the stairs and as soon has head head was in range, the older one let one rip. We are still proud of the skill and planning it took to set that one up.
My girlfriend has 4 year old son and one day while hanging out at my house the boy decided he is going to break me down, give the guy a test to see how I react I guess. He runs over and kicks me with these cowboy boots he has. She just looked at me with the "What are you going to do about that?" look in her eyes. So I grab the lad and set him on the couch then backed right up to him and let it rip. He laughed for about 3 seconds pinched his nose and ran out of the room. She laughed so hard I thought she was going to hurt herself. We have grown very close and I see great things down the road for us.
Now when he gets out of line I just point at my ass, and I can do it anywhere...people just think I am threatening him with a spanking.
I was hanging out in my ex's room watching a movie and I had the worst gas ever - noisy and stinky! He couldn't believe I was letting 'em loose and we were both rolling on the floor laughing. His mom came in to see what we were laughing about and he tried to tell her what I had been doing - only she didn't believe him. She thought he was the one stinking up the room and thought he was trying to pass the blame. That made us laugh even harder!
My mom was alone in the kitchen, I hid behind a wall and waited so I could jump out and scare her. It was an intense moment... I was crouched. waiting. silent. tense. ready to pounce... she let slip the loudest one I had ever heard. Funny thing is that I still scared her when I fell out from behind the wall giggling. She had tried to be sly because she thought that no one had been around >^.^< Drat! My plan was ruined! Foiled again....
My husband and I have been married for 15 years - he has never been shy about it so I really can't remember how he first did it. Our comments are a different story though...We live in an old house now so there are lots of "now there's a new loose floor board" comments but I really got him the other day. He had let one rip and I (bravely) ran over and placed my hands on his forehead and in my best televangelist impersonation shouted "and in the name of the Holy Spirit - would ALL evil spirits and demons come out! Say Hallelujah! Can I get an Amen?!" We laughed for like 10 minutes. (I think I might go to hell though)
Ahhh. The honeymoon was over when my Boyfriend & I went to England to see my Mom & Dad for Christmas. We had been dating since July- and it was now December. He hadn’t met my folks bc they were living in England. We were sitting in the living room at after a nice proper Christmas Eve supper- and I was on his lap. No time like the present... right? He got his Christmas gift early that year- right on his poor lap. Its not just men who are nasty in that department...Sorry Chris.....
I farted first. It was Halloween and we had been dating for about 4 months when we started horsing around and he pushed me against the wall. It just exploded (I had been holding it back all night) and scared him and the dog right out of the room. I ran to the bathroom and almost died. Soon after that I found out how proud my now husband was of me and the reason he ran away was because he was just so surprised at how something so loud could have come from me.
We've been married 4 years now and I'm still louder and smeller. He tells me every time I fart how much he loves me.
I'm surprised in this whole discussion nobody talks about the vapor trail that can follow a person. My husband can fart, like, 20 feet from the car, but the smell will follow him in. And the reason he did it before was to try to spare me. There were a few times when I was in intestinal distress that I just told him, they are silent and nasty so be prepared. Once it was the middle of winter and he had the window down the whole way home from my parents (1 hour drive). I also have a deep resonating belch that I'm extremely proud of. That's what happens when you grow up with an older brother.
My wife's ex-husband would not pass gas in front of anyone. If they were in bed together, he would get out, walk down the hall and into the bathroom before farting. In the years that they were married she cannot even recall him even sitting on a toilet (he's "high class", anal retentive and British... I know that sounds redundant.) So when we were dating and I let one go she looked at me, smiled and said "Thank you." She now felt like she was in a normal relationship.
She has always appreciated the basest and most vile bathroom humor ("South Park", et al.) and now she has someone to share it with. So when I get to flatulate I can say "Talking like an @sshole again!" and hear her laugh.
I hope I can end up compfortable like that with my man. I don't spend the night for fear I will fart while sleeping. I also avoid certain sex positions just bc I'm scared that I will fart.
I haven't laughed this hard in forever, but reading these comments also makes me a little sad. I am happily married to a man I've been with for almost 15 years, and we've never acknowledged passing gas in front of each other! We just pretend it didn't happen. It's weird because we laugh endlessly over the emissions of the kids and the dog, and discuss all manner of other bodily functions occurring within our own persons -- but farts are somehow a tabboo subject. Weird, no?
If i recall, it was the first time i slept over at his place, we were both in college and he lived in residence.. i slept over and in the morning he hung his ass off the bed and let one go.. we were dating for about 3 days! it took me about another month to let one go, and only because he kept on pressuring me to! I finally did and he made fun of me because he said it was a wimpy fart! haha he no longer laughS!!!
I think we were on our honeymoon when my husband began to relax into it. He is LOUD but strangely not smelly. I am his perfect mate. Like the friend who WANTS to be able to belch on cue and, alas, cannot...I WANT to be able to really get the Tuba rumbling and can only come up with these squeaks. But I am MUCH smellier. For years, and wit much glee, I was able to convince my younger sisters that I "just never did." And THEY BELIEVED ME! They thought I was just going to explode one day. Until the long car trip back to college...then the gig was up.
My sister and her husband invented Fart Football. It has a very intricate set of rules. I'm still trying to figure all of the rules out, actually. Especially since the game continues in front of all of us at holiday time and is extremely hard to follow. I'll try to get her to write them down.
WoW!!! All of these stories!!!!
Family history of gas:
Now my parents were divorced and remarried so I have 2 different families (literally)-
My mom tries to be all prim and proper and "girls don't fart, they fluff".
Every time I burp I am told how unlady like I am. And I laugh - how did she deal with my 2 younger brothers??!!
My dad now... that side of the family always giggled about those things. My younger sister would wind herself up to let one go and yell and extremely satisfied "YES!" then we all would laugh.
I can't remember if it was my BF I am with currently of 5 years that let one go first or not.
I know that I am the loud burper of the two of us - gimme a few beers and I am not burp shy what so ever... or anytime really! haha! To this day when I burp he tells me when he hears me do it he see Barney from the Simpson's lips flapping in the air! LoL!
I think it was him that let himself free of the gaseous build-up from wtihin.
Ever since then.... well... hahah!
Honestly before he and I were together I had been with someone else for over 5 years and it was something that wasn't done by females.. whatever!
My now BF though ... is the first guy I have felt comfortable enough to be around to let my gas "be free".
If he yells OH MY GOD! I just tell him I love him! :)
Thanks for the stories y'all. I needed the laughs! And made me feel comfortable to add one myself! :)
I remember one time when I was in the washroom at my girlfriends parents house. I'd just finished washing my hands and opened the door to find my girlfriend there looking very horrified.
It took a few seconds to figure out what had happened. When I'd finished washing my hands the water went down the sink and made a very loud noise that sounded remarkably like a noisy wet fart.
The sink was much closer to the door than the toilet was, so to her it must have sounded like I was letting them rip really badly. Of course, she realized what had happened when I opened the door only a few seconds later as there wasn't enough time for me to finish my business between the sound and the time I opened the door.
But the look on her face before she fully realized what happened was priceless.
i just wanted 2 say that in the moofie mallrats by kevin smith there is a reference 2 farting in the middle of a blowjob. :P
My first time with my wife was after 3 months of dating. I was in a reclining postition while she was in a kneeling position. Needless to say i was in a very relaxed mood at the time. The smallest little squeak slipped out before i could shut the door. I looked down at her and she didn't miss a beat and just kept on going. I asked her to marry me that night. That was 5 years ago.
I'm of the school of the preemptive fart. Pass that gas before you begin dating and she knows what to expect.
Oddly enough, I'm single.
I've been laughing my ass off for the past 30 minutes reading these stories, I have 2 to share with you.
This one happened a month after I started dating my gf of 7 years. It was Christmas time and we were having dinner with her family. Midway through dinner, I feel the need to go to the bathroom to take a crap. or so I thought, as soon as I sit down on the bowl, i let it go, but instead of shit coming out, this loud (made even louder because of the resonance from the bowl) wet foghorn comes out. I started laughing my balls off. Of course, the more I laughed, the more I farted. it must have lasted at least a minute. I finally get out of the bathroom to find all the children and men in her family rolling on the floor. All I could say was: "Did yall hear that?" one of the little kids took it upon itself to run into the bathroom and out just to yell: "Damn, you stink". Ever since then my gf and I have been confortable enough to do it in front of each other.
My personal favorite however happened 2 months ago: my gf and I and another couple went on a trip for a week. We decided to drive there. We had fun on the trip and had grown quite confortable in front of each other. We had burping contests at one point during the trip. On the last, someone suggested a nice italian restaurant. We went there and all had the veal parmigiani with spaghetti. We all peppered that spaghetti with more parmesan cheese. After dinner, we had the 3 hour drive to get back home. About an hour in the trip, my gf cut the AC in the cart and rolled down the passenger's window (she's the SBD type), the other couple in the backseat did the same, as I guess the odor must have wafted over to their side.
After two hours in the drive, my gf and the other couple were having foghorn competition, trying to be the noisiest. After three hours, we were rolling into town, their farting had stopped, so I asked them if they minded if I opened the AC again and closed the windows. The idiots agreed! I closed the windows and pressed the windows lock button, turned on the AC full blast to have the maximum air movement. As I rolled up to a stop at a street corner, I let this wet-sounding, sucking fart out that I had been holding in for the entire trip just for that occasion. They all laughed at first, but after 5 seconds the stink reached their (and mine) nose and they all reach for the window opening button, but it didn't work! Let me tell you, you should have seen those three grown adults rushing out of the car leaving the doors open and everything and me laughing. Weird how they don't want to take the car with me anymore!
I think I've burst some internal organs laughing at this thread. This is hysterical! To quote my goofy (and stinky) father in law - "Farts are funny!" He's the kind who lights 'em on fire...whatever....
I don't remember when we let slide first, we've been together 20 years and married 17 but here are two stories...my hubby's favorite story was the time we were sleeping at our cabin under a blanket called the 10-ton-quilt. So called, because you get under it and you can't MOVE until morning. As we're relaxing for sleep, he REALLY relaxes and lets 'er rip....incredibly ripe, a nose hair burner. Well, we giggle and go to sleep. Little did we know that only a portion of the fumes escaped the 10-ton-quilt. When we got up in the morning and put the covers back, the REST of the noxious gas escaped! Just as pungent as when first erupted!!! That one's in the Stink Hall of Fame.
My favorite story is his vapor trail...my hubby has some impressive hang time! One morning, he unlocked my cardoor to let me in, walked around the back and climbed in. I started to gag and choke and exclaimed "Wow! Couldn't you have left that OUTSIDE?!?!" He sheepishly giggled, "I DID! It followed me in from behind the car!"
Oh, and also the time he was on his ship (he's in the Navy) where the bunks are 3 high. He was in the middle and got up one morning at the same time as the guy above him. This guy exclaimed, "Man, did you smell that all night? Someone was REALLY ripe!" Hubby agreed, "Wow, that sure was something!" Never admitting that it was HIS Methane Production Center that had been working overtime all night! I'm kind of evil and feed him egg salad or chili before he had to sleep on the ship...why do that to myself??? LOLOLOL ;)
Oh, and Pull My Finger and Dutch Ovens are prohibited.....
Whenever my husband farts in front of me he says "Its all my love for you coming out". Nice way to look at it :)
My spouse goes out of her way to not fart in front of me, while I won't make any effort to leave (it's a narutal body function after all).
Years ago, before we were married.. she farted absolutely in my face.. while I am orally pleasuring her...
I think that's why she won't do it now... she was THAT embarassed.
For me.. I flew off the bed like I got hit in the forehead with a bat.
Nothing like an upclose and personal fart. Yeesh...
OK Why are farts so damn funny???
My 2 yr old daughter even makes a deal out of them, and then chuckles, wtf??
she HAD to marry you after that. she absoluley had no choice.
oh, and Amy--
periodically, noxious fumes leak (sometimes quite loudly) from one of our most private of holes! that says f-u-n-n-y to me! damn funny! chances are that the first laugh in the history of the world was about a fart!
Engaging topic, Steve! I've been laughing my way through these posts.
On a fairly consistent basis, I consider myself to be an atypical sort of chick. Perhaps it will be no shock to learn that I farted first (not only silent, but violent).
And at my house, I am on the DEALING end of the dutch ovens.
within the first month that my husband and I were hanging out/dating I made kraft Mac and Cheese for lunch one afternoon. Later that night we were talking on the phone and I asked him if he liked it and he said "Yea, it was good, but it gave me the worst diarrhea"
ever sinse that moment he's made his digestianal tract no secret to me.
Sometime I would like it to be kept a secret though...
I've always felt ten minutes after the light goes out in bed is an excellent time to have a butt burp. This does not mean you can break buttocks ten minutes into coitus if you're the kind of couple that likes to sausage spelunk in the dark; I mean ten minutes after both of you settle down for sleep. The beauty of this technique is that you can elude any responsibility should the first stink-bleat go awry; you can claim you'd already dozed off and are thereby incapacitated. It's a good litmus test for how your partner will react.
I give it seven months. Call me crazy, but a guy farting isn't the most romantic thing in an early relationship.
Just remember boys and girls, fanning after farting is akin to wiping after crapping.
OK, so farting is all good and well, (I spose) but what the hell happens when a Hershey Squirt finds its way into the mix? Of course, there are the tell tale signs... the immediate and ultimate look of surpressed shock and horror, followed by the ass glide to help distribute the remnants evenly... but what about in bed?
It happens to everybody now and then, just not me. ;]
Oh yeah, I got one in the face giving oral too =(
We broke up, what can I say?
Big D, I believe you are referring to "trouser chili".
I was JUST talking to my girlfriend about this.
Within the past three weeks I've noticed that she's been much more open about passing gas. I took her lead and now we're farting opening around each other all the time.
We've been dating for about seven months. Maybe it's different for girl/girl couples?
I can't remember for sure, but I think my husband was the first to fart. He never had any qualms about it, but neither have I. If he didn't fart first I probably would have. I too have mastered the SBD. I can make my fart silent at will. Especially if I'm in a crowded place. My husband on the other hand figures the more public the place the louder the fart should be. Sometimes we'll be walking down te street ans he'll tell me when we get to the corner of the block that he'd been letting them rip all the way down the block. The poor people behind him... One time when our dog was laying on the couch with my husband she happened to be yawning with her mouth and face towards hubby's butt. He let out a really loud long smelly fart that was so bad the dog shook her head in disgust and jumped off the couch. And this dog likes the smell of morning breath... Speaking of the dog, when we were all in the living room, our dog was sitting on the floor which is hardwood. She farted and it must have made her butt vibrate or something because she looked at her butt in suprise like she couldn't believe that sound just came from there. It was the funniest thing I had seen in a long time.
People are so weird about bodily functions. I don't about anyone else; but I enjoy the relief I recieve once the function is done. I pat myself on the back and tell myself job well done.
I don't remember the first fart I let around my husband. I do remember the grossest: We were in bed getting ready to go to sleep. Both of us were sleeping naked, no kids yet. I snuggle my buttocks up to his buttocks and said lets open our buttocks together and press up against each other (by the way he did this cause he thought it would lead to sex) then I let a giant fart. It was like trying to transfer my gas into him. He was so angry. But deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke!
My husband and I had a five year long distance relationship before we got married. So the pooting wasn't an issue since we talked on the phone most of the time. We had been together about three months when he came up to visit me. We were laying on the couch when he started tickling me. I am an extremely ticklish person (you can look at me in a ticklish manner and I will start laughing). Well, I couldn't hold it in and let a huge one rip. He stopped, shocked, and then started laughing uncontrollably. There was no going back after that.
I must add, as an aside, that I come from a long line of great farters. My dad proudly proclaims that his grandmother, his mother, himself, and now me... we can toot like there is no tomorrow.
As I mentioned, we dated for five years and had semi-annual trips up to visit each other. So his induction into my amazing farting ability was fairly limited to the times we were together. Well, when we got married, after about a year, he jokingly said to me, "Goddam, woman! I never knew your butt was so angry when I married you!" I told him it was just my digestive system trying to get used to the food down here. Hmmm... we've been married four years now. How long do you think I'll be able to hide behind that excuse? Hehe!
living in a small town whos major industry is a giant pulp and paper mill, i wait untill we drive right by it to let one go and then blame it on the constant sulfurous emmisions produced by aforementioned mill.
The first time I did one in front of my girlfriend, she retorted with the loudest and most abnoxious burp I've ever heard. Sexy on both accounts. I guess if it's cool for me to do mine, it was was cool for her to do hers.
Will you people pipe down, I'm trying to eat my lunch here! (pickled eggs, cheddar cheese, and hot pepper jelly...I'm loaded for bear!)
Okay i have to say first, your "dont eat it" series is hilarious, i want everyone i know to read it. I read it at 230 in the morning with my husband sleeping in the room and thought i would wake him up. or piss my pants, or both. As far as the farts go, after my husband and i finished having sex for like the 2nd time ever, we were laying in bed. He totally busted ass- huge. he then raised his left hand which was on my left shoulder as his arm was around me in a post coital nilss and said "that was me." No shit? No, no shit thankfully. I think i farted in front of him like 6 months later.
My wife and I are both pretty serious endurance athletes. Farting is way-low on the gross-spectrum of the discussions we've had with each other about runner's trots, tri-chunder, peeing in your wetsuit, peeing on your bike, etc. If you could have seen her squatted by the side of the road at Ironman Florida, bike shorts around her ankles, holding onto my leg for balance, you'd know what true love is.
I never really did feel comfortable farting in front of people. Alone its fine and I make jokes to myself, but in front of anyone, even a close guy friend Ive known for years, I would still feel alittle uncomfortable.
I guess for me it's just respect and just not very pleasent.
What a funny site!
While I'm more a belcher than a farter, I have had my moments. Onions, Burger King or otherwise, do it for me, also.
I have the dis-stink-tion of having broken up a formation when I was in the Army. I swear that the men around me actually broke rank. The sergeant was not amused, but he couldn't do anything to me because I remained at attention.
I can't address the issue of romantic moments because, for some reason, I'm still single.
My boyfriend and I fart all the time. Sometimes he blames it on the cat, but I'm on to him.
Why hasn't anyone commented on pussy farts? Or is that just really not funny?!
on my 2nd date with my current girlfriend, i went to smack her on the butt and she farted on my hand. got that out of the way real quick.
two things in this world that are always funny. monkeys and farts. farting is always funny. period.
Just as long as you don't do like one of my ex's and do a dutch oven, then farting isn't a big deal.
There was this guy I worked with who I was casually, uh, "seeing" for some time. I asked him once when the topic came up if he'd ever heard me fart--I truly couldn't remember if I ever had in front of him.
He answered, "Uh, duh, yeah. I've shared a bed with you."
Mortifying! My husband confirms that I fart in my sleep a lot. I shudder to think of how many guys I've slept near or next to through college.
My first fart with my girlfriend was actually released on her. Thats right- I farted on her. the second one was right in her face. She laughed but vowed revenge. To this day she has not been able to get one on me.
The first time I farted in front of my boyfriend (now husband) was during a massage.
I was laying on my stomach and he was massaging the back of my thigh. Well, at one point, he squeezed a very ticklish spot and I let one go... a really loud one!
He jumped off the bed and RAN into the other room... I was so embarassed...I had to tell him that the coast was clear and that he could come back into the room.
It's much funnier now, looking back on it, but man, at the time... I wanted to jump out the window.
Not really about my wife, but....
I got in serious trouble with my wife the day my 5 year old daughter bent over, stuck her butt in the air, let one fly and said "Daddy, here's you Father's Day present. Don't open it early."
any time is ok, just don't light them.....
I asked my wife "Did you ever get my letter?" she thought I wrote her a romantic letter out of the blue. When she blushed and asked "What letter?" I let one rip.
That was romantic!
My college roommate told her boyfriend (now husband) when they first started dating that there was something wrong with her digestive system and that she couldn't/didn't fart, ever. I don't know why. She was seriously honesty challenged.
A year or so later, he was over and she was gassy and had to let one go, but took the time to explain to him about her lie before she did it.
Only 1 in 3 people fart methane.
I think you can test the waters on this one with simple saying "pull my finger". when she finally gives in, she's ready.
If you share the bathroom, it's legal to "bust" one in her presence. Muzzled blast,right? Because bare-butted flatulation is illegal.
The first time I let one go (particularly hard for the girl, by the way, to know when it's time) we were watching the gag reel from 'Meet the Fockers' and there's a scene where Dustin Hoffman just rips one. Lifts a leg and farts in front of the camera. I started laughing so hard I farted and my man thought it was the funniest (and most appropriate) way to break the ice, so to speak.
My Grandmother tells at great story about the first time my Grandfather let go in front of her... it was on thier first date. They were at the drive in, and he was trying to be cool by propping his feet up on the dash. (Car interiors were much bigger in those days.) In the process of putting his feet up, he let fly... first date. For my sake, I'm glad she didn't get too upset about it.
My DH warned me the first time I had dinner with his parents, since they tended to be free and loose at dinner (I always wondered why they sat at opposite ends of the table...lol).
He also had a hard of hearing co-worker who let 'em rip quite often, since they didn't smell. He was completely mortified the first time he farted after he got his hearing aids.
My wife (then my girlfriend) let one go while sitting on my lap while watching a funny movie. It was gross, I felt it on my leg, and I wanted to take a shower. Since then, its been a game for her to 'share" them with me. She's so classy.
It's still an unspoken no-no in our household. If i had my way, we'd laugh about it openly. He, however, goes through fits of hysteria if i ever start talking about it.
I have to say first, I am *so* glad this board was re-opened for comments. When I first happened upon TheSneeze, I was seriously disappointed at being unable to tell my story.
I was the first to "melt the ice" in my current relationship. For some reason, I tend to get very giggly after getting in bed, to the point where I will laugh for minutes on end at absolutely nothing. During one of these giggle-fests, I farted, very, very loudly (luckily, there was no smell.) My boyfriend immediately yelled "Incoming!!" and dove off the bed, duck-and-cover style. Now he does everything he can to make me giggle in bed, hoping I'll let one rip (to my chagrin, I usually do.)
He also says I fart in my sleep, then giggle. God I'm so weird.
Well my girlfriend and I are now together since almost four years.
And I really can't remember when it started being OK or who started first to cut the cheese.
Fact is, that since a very long time we have a happy farting time together. Hers are as bad as mine, though mine are usually a bit louder.
We now have a four month old dog and this little critter beats us both hands down when it comes to who stinks the most !!
I honestly can remember how long my wife and I were going out when I first let one go. I do remember it was a SBD and was kinda worried when I realized it was (my silent ones aren't usually stinky) Luckily for me she kinda took it in stride. Never understood why until her Dad and I hung out more. My god, that man could gas birds out of a tree. She doesn't seem to find them as humourous as other femail posters here, but it has never been an issue with us.
My last serious girlfriend was totally cool about just letting them go in my presence. Ever since we decided we were officially an item, she had no problem ripping one when she felt it was necessary. It didn't bother me, but I tried not to let them go in front of her because, well, mine were significantly more powerful.
When I was dating my now ex-wife, for the first 8 months of our relationship I held onto my gas like it was money. I would hold it in regardless of my discomfort. One day while we were sitting around my townhouse I really needed to purge the relief valve. So I did what I had done in the past, stepped outside, fired my musketl and then beat any lingering stink molecules from my pants. This time was different though. As I returned to go inside, I noticed the blinds had been pushed open and when I got inside she was rolling on the floor laughing hysterically. That proved to be a fateful day for her since she had at once had embarrassed me and delivered me from embarrassment. After that it was on like Donkey Kong.
I farted in front of my boyfriend first, but I was drunk. Do drunk farts count? Needless to say, he was impressed that girls even fart in the first place.
I had been seeing my then girlfriend (now wife) for a couple of months...everytime we were together I'd hold them in. I am quite gassy, I must admit, so that caused stomach pains.
One day she said maybe I should see a doctor for the pains. I had to confess.....it's just unpassed gas. So she suggested I just let it go. I, still wanting to be a gentleman, let out a mild squeak.
Wife, unaware of the repercussions of what she was saying, said, "You fart like a girl!"
At which point I replied, "Oh Yeah?" and let rip the loudest, earth-rumbling, long-awaited fart I could muster.
She regrets that comment every day
The first time my boyfriend farted around me I didn't even notice. We had been talking about something and I started laughing right when he farted. The noise got drowned out. I only found out when he broke out in hysterics and said "I JUST FARTED!!! YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!! HAHAHA!!!" And then he farted again.
And on a completely unrelated note (I HOPE!), where is that 'Steve, Don't Eat It!' we were promised so long ago! :)
as a rule, i didn't ever date girls who said they didn't fart. i figured if the chick farts, i'm free to. the woman i married actually farted first. SBD. we had a good laugh, i asked her out, now we're happily married farters.
I only fart around my significant other if I absolutely can't help myself. We're both a little modest. I also get terribly embarassed if I slip one. He does it more than me. I hope I get over it eventually!
I don't have to worry about farting myself. My dogs does it routinely enough that no one else has to even worry about it. That's why his nickname is "Garbage Butt".
I don't think I posted to this board last time it was open.
I wish my wife was able to laugh about farts. I was definitely the first to break the wind with my wife when we were dating. At the time, she was actually pretty disgusted, and swore up and down that she doesn't fart. Stuff like that comes from her mother, who is probably the most up-tight woman I've ever met.
It wasn't until several years later that she actually let one slip. She made a big deal out of appologizing, but I just smiled and explained that everybody farts, and it's no big deal.
Now that she's pregnant with our first child, I think she's finally gotten used to the fact that she can't hold them in anymore.
My opinion is that women do not fart often enough. I don't remember the first time my wife farted in front of me, but I do know that she withheld many passes of gasses in our relationship.
Finally after being married for a couple of years she began to fart when I was around. I don't remember the exact time and place we were, but I do remember that it stunk, like rotten garbage, on a hot day. Mine don't stink (as bad) because I fart when I have to. Nothing is worse than holding it and then releasing a stale two year old fart. Who knows what kind of combinations of gas has joined forces and multiplied.
Oh and by the way, does any one else believe in fart particles? I hate smelling other people's farts because you are breathing in particles...of their farts.
NEVER FART IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR MATE!!!!
my wife ripped one on our first "date" while sitting next to me on the couch in my parents living room. audibly.
a week or two later she ripped another in my parents house while my little brother was in the room. she was sitting on a wooden chair, which sat on a hard wood floor - thus amplifying the vibrations. it took my little brother (who was about 7 at the time) everything in him to not laugh... until she said he could laugh.
i knew she was a keeper right from the beginning.
Better yet, what is truly a gem is sitting with your 94 year old grandmother listening to her talk about people you don't even know then hearing her rip a really loud one, see a wry little smile come across her face, and have her tell you, "Oh, I guess I pooted pretty loud, didn't I?".
One morning as we were leaving for our respective jobs, I noticed that my boyfriend had a "hanger on the rim" (aka a booger hanging out of his nose) and so, being the good girlfriend that I am, I said, "hey babe, you've got a hanger, right nostril", to which he replies, with a VERY red face, "YEAH! WELL YOU FART IN YOUR SLEEP...ALOT!!"
Uh...I guess we have this "unspoken" agreement that farting is ok now.
my boyfriend and i were good friends before dating, so farting was shared and expected when we were friends, so why change?
i mean... everbody shits.
once upon a time, my husband (fiancee at the time) and his best friend were playing Playstation. One belched, then the other belched, and they looked to me to provide the third belch. (normally I out belch everyone) I wasn't prepared to belch, so I let out a loud fart instead. It was met with the duet, "THAT IS NOT THE SAME THING!"
It wasn't the first time I farted in front of hubby (first was an unbelieably smelly SBD), but it was the first time I farted in front of his friend.
Well...my boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years, we have a 14month old son and I STILL haven't passed gas in front of him. I gave birth in front of the man, for cryin' out loud and I would DIE of embarrasment to toot in front of him!
This is soooo funny... I really should have spent more time with my husbands family before we tied the knot, then I would have realized just how smelly they all were. I remember the first time I heard the term "Dutch Oven". I was pregnant and we were laying in bed watching tv. Someone said dutch oven and he started laughing. I asked what it meant. My big mistake. It took me 5 minutes to get over gagging. It took him 10 minutes to clean the scratched my toenails left down his leg.
I dated a very sweet, hot, red head in high school. The first time I took her out, she mysteriously exited the car as our food was being delivered. She didn't go anywhere--she just stood there. She sighed as she got back in the car. "Whew, I feel better", was her only explanation.
I felt liberated from that moment forward.
When I was in college, my parents invited a bunch of my friends and my brother's friends to Lake Powell. We parked the houseboat in a nice canyon with cliffs 100' high. All week the guys were trying to fart loud enough to make it echo off the canyon walls. At the time, I was dating a polite, petite girl of 5'2" who had never let one slip in my presence. On the last evening she was sitting on a rock and let one slip that rocked the canyon. She was mortified and turned the brightest shade of red i've ever seen a person become. We still talk about that one. I was so proud.
I never did 'break that ice'. Maybe that's why none of my relationships ever last. How peculiar.
Well, another, related question: what to do if you desperately need to let go of a stinker while being serviced in a nearby area?
My friend taught me a great trick. You can actually cup a fart and throw it at someone! It really works. I do this to my girl friend all the time. Move over Dutch oven, say hello to the CUP CAKE!!
Huh, my first experience is the same as the very first comment. It was shortly after one of the first time me and my now wife did the deed. I was laying next to her, and it just slipped out. Good and loud. My excuse? "I'm just really relaxed right now." Well, the floodgates are open.
I farted first. I think it was on the second date after drinking. After that it was like the flood gates of gas opened.
My girlfriend related this story to me of her previous boyfriend..
If they were driving in a car he would lock the windows, crank up the heat and comment about how good his ass smelled baked.
The first time I farted infront of my girlfriend was the first night she stayed over. I was half asleep & For whatever reason I put my leg up on the wall and let one rip. She didn't say anything to me then, but in the morning she questioned me about what she termed "Airing it out". I really didn't have an answer as to why I lifted my leg onto the wall before dropping ass. However, it has happened several times since.....
My ex-boyfriend and I actually never broke the fart barrier - his father did. The first time I met John's dad and stepmother, his father ripped one at the dinner table with so much class that he actually lifted cheek. The man shifted his weight in the chair, at the table and let it rip.
The three of us looked at each other, and he just kept on talking! Like nothing happened!
The next day, he didn't even remember it. John and his wife had to convince him that he actually elevated and squeezed during dinner.
After that, the worst was poker night.
Beer + 6 big guys + Italian sausage and Giardinara pizza = airborne acid. Never, ever EVER let a man Dutch Oven you after an Italian sausage and Giardinara pizza. *shudder!*
My girl was the fist one to do it!! She was trying to sit down on a loan chair. The chair broke and I guess when she was falling she must have tighten her stomach because she farted..From then on she opened a door to my constant farting. The way I see it, Farting is comedy given to us by God himself! and I am simply honoring God..Every day...
Gratefully, my husband and I are very open with our flatulence. However, I was a little take aback when his siblings, who are all in their mid-20s, started doing it in front of me. He is the oldest of four and somehow it is just okay for them to contribute. So, while I am really comfortable with my husband and his stinkiness, I still get kind of pukey when his brothers (and/or sister) pipe in.
It was our 6-month anniversary. We had just gotten matching tattoos, so I figured it would be OK.
Nowadays, when she senses I'm ready to go, she grips my butt cheek and plays it like a harmonica.
Ahhh, true love.
Okay, so it's not about a significant other, but it is about the use of deadly force in a relationship. I suffer the occasional migraine headache and had been enduring the pain one afternoon when my roommate came home. He waltzed up to me while I was prone on the floor, a washcloth draped over my head.
In a jolly sort of carefree way he asks what I'm doing. I whisper that I am hurting pretty badly and he begins to ask me a series of questions as though I am not in the midst of a brain-crushing episode. I would never, ever forget his incessant banter. I vowed to pay him back in the most painful way possible. From that moment on, my primary mission in life, to learn how one goes about gestating the most devastating air monkey imaginable. This would require knowledge of food intake and careful timing.
Finally, the day arrived. After an Olympic-sized intake of peanut butter, bell peppers, Spanish rice, refried beans and salsa, my butt wind was ready to blow like a category five hurricane.
I waltzed into the apartment to find my roommate sitting on the floor watching TV. Without even a moment's hesitation, I sidled on up to him, grabbed him by the hair, pushed his face against my posterior and unleashed an apocalyptic poofume directly into his mouth and nostrils. He gagged and attempted to free himself, but my vengeance was all-powerful. My rectal turbulence simply floored a full-grown man.
We moved out two weeks later and I have never seen him since.
The funniest type of fart would have to be the 'Walker'. This is when you do an individual fart for each step you take while you are walking. My GF is amazed just how good I am at it. I can do a 20 step walker with ease.
this is funny but i am 12 and you are pervs
I have no stories to share here, but I just found this very appropriate image.
I must agree that it is funny no matter how old/sophisticated you are.
I'm 21 years old. I plan to be a journalist one day and have a good home with a great wife and hopefully some kids, yet it is still my biggest dream to fart in someones face while they are yawning.
Yep, this is a good pic too, very relavent.
My Wife and I have been married 4 years. I don't recall when exactly we did it , we never even talked about it, it just naturally came as part of the relationship i guess. now, farting is one of the funniest things that cracks us up all the time. Very often, it happens when we're in bed, and my leg is on her butt, and she rips one... she seems to warn me most of the time now, but that doesn't matter, as removing my leg off of her to give her the freedom to rip one isn't nearly a replacement for a gas mask.
Also... The Dutch Oven... so THAT's what you call it huh ?.. Awesome.. I seem to do it the other way around... Vent the bed so that the beautiful scents aren't stuck there for a sudden death in the near future!!
I sat in my wife's lap, and farted on her at our wedding reception, and said, "SUCKER!! You married me!"
What a burn.
I've been with my boyfriend for two years and never once farted in front of him.
Why? Because my farts are grand occasions. They are so loud and rank that I'm surprised that you haven't smelled them yet. I would be too embarassed if my man had to smell that.
But waited like 6 or 7 months before farting in front of me.
My wife and I lived together for two years before we were married, and for that entire time she would NOT fart in front of me. I had no such reservations about farting in front of her, however. I tried like hell to get her to fart in front of me. I told her it wouldn't bother me, etc. but to no avail.
She got pregnant about two months after we were married, and in her knocked-up state she was unable to hold them in anymore - it just was too uncomfortable. So she let one rip, and it's been tooterville at our house ever since.
My favorite thing is when she laughs and squeezes farts out in perfect syncopation with her Ha-Ha's.
I think that once you start exchaning body fluids, that farting is okay. But let's not be rude about it.
I had an ex-boyfriend who did what he called "Dutch Oven". He'd pull the blanket over my head and pin it down, then rip one under the covers.
One time my current boyfriend, then of three months, and I were playing and horsing around on his bed. He began tickling me and wrapped his legs around me and squeezed gently just as I was trying to hold one back and I let out a very loud fart. We were both completely silent for a moment but as I turned red we both laughed hysterically for quite a while. I beleive he was used to farting because no matter whoever is around, at any time his mother lets out some of the loudest and longest farts i've heard... and I grew up in a home with 4 males.
took me about 9 months. actually i did in front of her little sister, she called me out it, laughted, and then let one go. since then you might say i even enjoy our little competitions.... what... i win dont worry
my ex farted on our first date and told me to get over it.
Farting is a line you have to cross eventually, I do it early and often, If she's still there a week later I figure we're cool.
my boyfriend broke the ice (or wind) at six months. we were lying in bed, and i heard a quiet, airy pffffffffft from his side of the bed.
i whispered, "is your bike tire leaking air?"
and we both laughed hysterically and from then on it was fair game.
Luckily with us "gays" the release of air (without being too graphic) usually happens as a result of intercourse, which usually happens sometime during the first date. Heh.
I'll let you guys figure it out...
Nasty as hell, Evil mental image.
My boyfriend hates when I fart, even though he'll gladly rip one in front of me (or even on me, which was disgusting). He says it "humanizes me."
When asked to explain, he said, "In my mind, you're perfect. A Goddess. When you fart, it's just a reminder that you really are a human being." Or something to that effect...
Sweet, romantic, and odd all at the same time. I love that man. ;-)
If I recall, my girlfriend was the one who brought up that conversation while we were watching a movie at her house one evening. She let out a silent one but she still had the courtesy to excuse herself. A few seconds later however, my eyes started to burn and I actually gagged a few times. I have never been so turned on in my life.
I am in total agreement. It's not true love unless you're comfortable farting in front of each other, or ON each other.
My boyfriend, the sweet guy that he is, once farted on my leg with such force while we were sleeping that it woke me up. I wouldn't have had any idea what it was that woke me up had it not been for the lingering odor...
My girlfriend (at the time) and I joked from the day we met that whoever farted in front of the other one would owe them $10 (I'm a gassy guy - figured it'd keep me from unleashing the beast for a while)... one day after having to move all of her family's belongings out of their house in preparation for an impending flood just a month after we met, she looked at me wearily and said "thank you for all your help... if there's anything I can do for you..." I replied "gimme $10... *brap* There, we're even!"
My hubby specialises in SBDs. On one memorable occasion, we were driving through the countryside on holiday, and I started gagging at the stench surrounding me in the car. I was desperately looking around for the sewerage farm I was sure we were driving past and he was killing himself laughing. If we had a dog, he'd blame it!
Call me old fashioned; call me a prude; call me whatever...but I think that intentionally farting in front of your mate is kinda disrespectful, not to mention gross. Hell, I'm not fond of my male friends farting around me. To me "I'm so comfortable with you that I won't hide farts," is not neceessarily a testament to how much you love someone; it can also simply be a sign of bad manners.
It's not hard at all to avoid letting them out when people are around. Just go to the bathroom, wait until she leaves, do it in your sleep, etc. I can see how people couples could revel in their open flatulence, but every single woman I've been with has been exactly like me.
The wierd thing is, I come from a family in which the rest of the males are very fartastic. My dad has about 100 fart classifications and angers my mom by ripping buzzsaws in bed. I must take after my mom.
I have farted in front of my girlfriend before, but nothing was said. It was part accident and part really tired and couldn't control it. Nothing was said about it. We've been together for over 1.5 years now.
OK, this was a big deal to my last girlfriend.
First off, she was 5'11 and about 160 lbs of muscle (dancer, weight lifter), a total hot ass amazon type. From the get go she was VERY anti farting or burping.
So for the first month I was a paranoid mess when I had gas. We would be eating or at a movie or even a couple of times while in bed, and I would have to do the hurry excuse so my colon wouldn't burst. I even had to stop for "gas" one time while driving to make gas.
Then one morning, she snuck out of bed to use the bathroom down the hall. She thought I was still asleep and let the LOUDEST rip I've ever heard. It was a trumpet blast that any man would have bragged about.
I started to laugh so loud that she heard me. When she got back to the bedroom we both had a good chuckle.
It turns out that she has always had really toxic loud gas and has lost boyfriends over it. Then over the next year we dated she would blast in public, on purpose, and blame it on me!! It was always hillarious because she could keep such a stone face and I would be on the ground laughing. Everybody thought I was a digusting pig. I loved that girl.
Morale of the story is this: Chicks that fart are funny and guys don't mind because eventually we will get ya back.
Too bad she ended up being a whore.
A gassy, smelly whore.
I believe actually my girlfriend let the first one rip after our first night between the sheets, and I tell ya you better open those up when that happens! Anyhow since then we've been happily ripping along so to say.
My wife was the first to deliver. We were grocery shopping (while still dating) and she dropped a bomb. I was about 5 steps behind her and stepped into the fog. I gave her the look of "omg, someone just shit their pants" and she started laughing so hard she didn't make a sound.
My wife likes to drop the silent bombs and wait for the reaction. And man do they stink. She's not allowed to eat black beans any more.
Me, on the other hand... mine are all bark and no bite.
There's also a double-standard at play here... it's hilarious when she farts, but when I do it's disgusting. Go figure.
My wife likes to pretend that she never rips one. We'll be sitting in the same room, and I will hear what I think is a fart, and look in her direction. She will play it off, blame it on the dog or the chair, and go on to something else. Only a few minutes later she will start to complain about the chair stinking, and that we bought a defective chair! So I know she is in on it!
The night before my partner and I decided to become a couple (we were just friends at the time), I was spending the night at her house. We stayed up until the wee hours just talking, and for some reason my butt decided to get in on the action. I had uncontrollably loud but not smelly gas all night, but the funniest part was that we both pretended we didn't hear it. There was a loud WONK every few minutes or so, but we both just kept talking as if nothing had happened...
This is our 8th year together...we both giggle like schoolgirls when one of us rips a particularly loud one and complain emphatically when the other stinks up the joint. I can distinguish her particular brand of stink from the dog's....it must be love!
Me and my wife have been together for 3 years she still wont cut one around me.
I, however, let it flow whenever the mood strikes.
First, I should say that my current boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship, seeing one another for a week or ten days every 2 months or so.
About halfway into our second 10-day visit, I got him to laughing really hard, but he kept getting louder and louder, instead of quieting. It was then that I realized he was getting louder to cover up the little pooting sounds! I called him on it and he admitted he'd been holding it the entire 5 or so days! The poor guy! After that he started very c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y letting them go around me and I still haven't stopped making fun of him about it.
Of course I refuse to break wind in anyone else's presence. I'd rather explode.
My best 1st fart exprience was with an ex of mine... we were dating for about 2 months at the time and we were at her house just hangin, watchin TV when it struck me like a tornado in my stomach.... i held that fart in for 3-4 hours. finally i couldnt take it anymore so i made up some excuse to leave and when we got to the door we hugged kissed and as i was leaving she gave me a little punch to the stomach that let out a rip that not only made the cheeks on my face red. we both laughed hysterically and went back inside..... hillarity at its finest. ice broken!
I let one go one night that was so foul it woke my wife up from a deep sleep -- the odor not the sound.
Just to add to the above, after reading some of the other "pregnant woman" posts...
When I had my son (with my ex-husband, not the boyfriend of the above post) I had a really long, hard labor. Just before the pushing phase started, after they'd upped my epidural so much that I could hardly feel my toes, I started hearing this really LOUD gas. I recall that, in my confusion, I started hollering at my husband to please stop farting while I was in labor.
It was then that the nurse quietly and politely informed me that the culprit was me. And I couldn't even feel it.
My ex never let me live it down. Maybe that's why I divorced him.
I read this gem on boortz.com:
When I was a kid I would pass time with Granddad in the old barn he'd set up as a wood working shop. "Granddad's Paradise" as the sign on the door boasted. Later, in his twilight years when his hand-eye coordination deteriorated it became known as "Granddad's Random Amputation Center".
Anyway, in the old days, after a demanding day of farm labor and once again surviving Grandma's loving attempts at murder by means of lard-soaked starches, we'd retire to the shop to become one with the wood. The thing I remember most was the old Craftsman table saw... the centerpiece of the shop and his only power tool. At first it was the loud noise that frightened me, but that was soon replace with the dread of the gosh awful smell that nearly always followed. Neither seemed to bother Granddad, and you could tell by his smile that he loved that saw. Sometimes he would abruptly stop what he was doing, walk over and turn it on just to make a casual cut on a piece of wood. I thought this was strange given how meticulous he normally was about first measuring and defining a line.
Then one day he hurried over, threw the switch only to discover a split second too late that it was unplugged. The saw remained silent, but the barn rumbled with what sounded like someone quickly accelerating a Harley Davidson under a blanket... followed by the smell. He quickly cussed the old barn cat whose eyes were as big as mine, and also watering in self-defense, but I wasn't buying it. Cats are not design to contain such pressure without becoming a projectile, and Omar had never left the ground.
From that day forward I called it the old Crapsmans saw, and learned to step outside during cuts to unmeasured lumber. Maybe that's where the phrase "cut one" comes from... I don't know, but I miss the old fart.
Submitted by Harry Baldspot
I'VE BEEN WITH MY BF FOR 8YRS, SINCE WE WERE TEENS, AND I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN WE STARTED BUT NOW DAT WE LIVE 2GETHER WE'RE ALWAYS FARTINF. ESPECIALLY HIM... HE'S FAVORITE ARE THE "SILENT BUT DEADLY"... I ON THE OTHER HAND HAVE THE REALLLY LOAD ONES...BUT THEY DON'T STINK...ND LIKE EVERY FUN LOVING COUPLE WE HAVE FART COMPETITIONS B4 BED.... I HAVE THE SPECIAL ABILITY TO SPLIT 1 LONG FART INTO A FEW SHORT ONES....WE GET A KICK OUT OF DAT....OUR 4 YR DAUGHTER HAS JOINED THE ROUTINE....HER SPECIALTY IS WAT SHE CALLS "CAQUI FARTS"
i was reading this stupid article in some magazine about how to make things more romantic between you and your honey, and one of the rules was "no farting in front of your mate"!! can you believe that? i think it's bull. it's the ultimate level of comfort, when you can truely be yourself with your honey- and who else are you supposed to be when you're with them? my girlfriend and i fart in front of each other all the time, fluffing the sheets, sniffing each other's clouds of gas, and laughing our smelly little butts off. it's great! and plenty romantic.
why is it when my wife farts it's "oh it's just a little gas. But when I fart she looks at me in such disgust you would think I just took a dump on the living room floor. What the hell is up with that???
My boyfriend started farting in front of me basically the first week we were really together. Let me just tell you, I have no choice but to get over it, he has more gas in him than anyone I've ever met in my life! Now he begs me to fart in front of him, and if I need to I do/will, but I just don't get into seeing how loud it can be, or how long it can be, like he does.
I am soooooo glad that so many people in the world think farting is hilarious! My husband and I like to imitate celebrity farts. For example, Martha Stewart probably starts her farts with a good, gas-rising recipe and ends with "now that was a good thing."
I was in constant pain the first three months with my husband (then boyfriend) and got horrible sleep for fear of squeezing one out at night. When I finally let a small one escape, my husband cheered and said something like "she's human!" Nowdays he just shakes his head, cries, and wishes for the early dating days. Hey, he knew he was marrying a vegetarian...
My boyfriend is always farting, he even rolls up against me & lets them go! I think you should wait a while before blasting one in front of your mait. He of course only waited a couple of days, Me on the other hand waited almost a year. Now we just laugh & make certain coments about the smell.
I have 2 stories.
This one is with my ex - the first time was actually in the pool. We were playing chicken, so I was on his shoulders. As we are laughing and having a good 'ol time, I felt the feeling in my stomach. I couldn't keep it in because I was laughing, and so I let it rip. I LOUD, "wet" one (wet - we were swimming people!) I slid off his shoulders laughing so hard. Thankfully, he thought it was just as funny.
My now boyfriend - The first time, I was over at his house while his dad was away. We were on the 3rd floor of his house watching some tv, and without warning, I farted. I said "Oops!" and ran down the stairs. He, of course, thought it was the funniest thing.
I don't remember when the first time was because we've been together for about 8 years, but our farting has evolved into a game of guess what Stan's ass just said. She says I have incredible sphinctor control as I can make my farts sound different everytime.
One of the most popular "phrases" is always, "uh oooohhhhh" or "WHAAAT????"
Gets us everytime.
This very subject tops my list (or bottoms it, I suppose, if you're counting down... hmmm...) of the best things about being single. It's a short list. Like, three things.
At any rate, my ex-husband and I had differing opinions (imagine!) on the issue. Especially regarding what to do about those pesky nocturnal gaseous emissions. (Gosh, I love syllables... and parentheses!) We discovered early on that, while I prefer to "fan," he's a "trapper." I should have known then that it wasn't going to work out. (sigh)
This topic really ought to be covered in premarital counseling.
Thank you, Steve, for providing the venue to explore the subject in-depth!
My girlfriend had never been okay with my gas, since it's always silent but deadly. I had this terrible problem of letting one go every few hours or so too, so I had to walk away from her vicinity and she'd wisely cover her nose to brace for what's coming. I remember once she got mad because I didn't notify her and she didn't talk to me for hours.
An errant fart in the gym was the catalyst to a relationship with a girlfriend that lasted for over a year. I was on the incline bench, trying to push out that last rep when I accidentally pushed something else out. Due to clenched, sweaty buttocks and the vinyl covering on the bench it was a very hich-pitched "FWEEP" sound. The cute blond on the exercise bike next to me winked at me and remarked "Tight butt". I was immediately in love.
Once I was shopping with my a friends and my 7 year old sister. She sneezed and out came the foghorn. It was the perfect stereotypical fart, as a reflex I guess she grabbed her butt right after it and looked around frantically. My friends and I started laughing and thats when she realized we noticed. She was a good sport though and laughed along with us.
The boy gave it a few weeks before letting his true self out. I've let a couple rip in front of him, but a year after we started dating and i still find it hard to purposefully rip one in front of him, although if i get tickled then all bets are off.
This weeks Savage Love column (avclub.theonion.com) there's a girl writing in for advice: In short, she gets off hearing guys fart/making a BM. her pseudonym spelled "PHART." I told the boyfriend (who lives across the country, this was an IM convo) that his "dream girl" wrote in.
in perhaps the sweetest thing he ever said to me, he writes back: "Are you PHART?"
(interpretation: you're my dream girl, so if this letter is from my dream girl, then you must be PHART) ...
Passing wind... the unspoken expression of love.
Farts are nothing. You wait for the guy to do it first...and then it's freedom for all. Somehow it's never been a problem for me. My dates are apparently gassy and usually do so on the first date.
I too have experienced the grocery aisle silent but deadly from my bfriend. Or...we'll be browsing and I can find him 3 aisles down following the stench.
I'm the loud not stinky kind.
About a month into dating...I was brushing my teeth and he comes in, sits on the toliet...and proceeds to poo in front of me. I quietly left the room and went downstairs. A roomate questioned the look on my face...I explained.
His response"are you kidding? If he poops in front of you, he must really love you"
Wow...a card would have been just fine to express that emotion!
How about this one? When trying not to embarass yourself infront of newly met females, you sit down, do a small lean while spreading the cheeks, and let it free. Results in quiet/smelly bliss. Now the only problem is passing the blame on the closest civilian.
My sister wouldnt crap at her boyfriends house for like a year cause she was so embarrased. She'd go to his house every second weekend and never taake a dump once. This was particulary bad on long weekends which had here running full pelt from her car to our toilet and we lived about an two hours away from him. This actually ended up in HEALTH PROBLEMS. I wont go into details, but it was pretty nasty. In the interest of good health, fart ASAP so you dont get hospitalised.
chocky, that was poetry, sir. Poetry.
I don't remember the first time myself or my fiancee farted in front of eachother, but what I do remember is that a few weeks ago, we were showering together, and she let one particularly poignant one rip. I've never smelled anything so heinous in my life. I nearly died.
But we're still getting married, so I guess it wasn't too bad.
well, my fiance and i have reached the point where a regular fart is barely recongnized. we have started to take it to another level. like the time he farted in a restaurant(his look of shock told me that he intended it to be silent) and then looked at me with wide eyes and fake disapproval before scolding me outloud. of course i couldn't make a scene, or that would just support his story. but i think i won when i gave him the famed "mystical muffin." i always thought it was a myth, but you can indeed "catch" a fart with your hand and put it directly in someone's face. i'm also glad his car has those fake leather seats- they come in handy on long boring car rides. if i get myself situated just right, i can put to use both butt cheeks AND the vibration of the leather to make some insane fart sounds. even i have to admit, its just not right. but good lord is it funny.
also, i have to give my 13 year old sister props for her complete acceptance of the whole farting situation. she'll blast infront of anyone, anytime. but the best thing she ever did- she was at a county fair where some young boy was trying desperately to get her attention. she was not interested, and actually rather annoyed with this boy, and tried to get rid of him several times. he kept finding her though. so she finally got down and dirty. she actually told him "you might want to leave, i just farted." she told this story to me with a straight face, but told me that she didn't even fart for real, it was just a lie! i was in disbelief for hours after that.
I think it's whenever you're truly comfortable with that other person. In all honesty, people shouldn't be so uptight about these kinda things, just laugh it off.
My last boyfriend (dated for around a year and three months?) I just pinned him down one night (after about 8 months) and let one rip on him. Oh yeah... I made him pretty mad, but I just couldn't put up with holding them in any longer.
my gf has never had a problem with farting, she says it's just a natural thing. then again she's the kind of person who will pee while she's on the phone with you. belching, however, she'll have none of.
on the subject of bodily rudeness, i think spitting is disgusting. however, when an attractive (and some one straight-laced) girl friend of mine spat right on the sidewalk, i kind of got turned on...
I still cannot pass gas in front of my friends and family. This makes for pain and stomach noises. Some of my friends think that I never eat all day before I see them, because my stomach will be making terrible noises and I'll say something like, "Ohhh, I am soooo hungry!"
I dedicate my emissions, from both ends, to my wife. You see, anybody can dedicate a song or a poem. But I go a few steps further. I dedicate my life to my wife. Thus, I dedicate every miniscule bodily process that keeps me alive to my wife. Every breath, heartbeat, tummy grumble, belch, fart, etc. "RRRRRRRRIP!" That was for you, Honey.
Of course, my wife doesn't mind too much because I have nearly odorless gas. Seriously. I dunno how or why (I would guess it has to do with my intestinal flora and fauna), but it is true. Ok, it sometimes stinks, but that is usually and indication of something wrong, like getting sick or eating a food that doesn't agree with me.
The odd flip-side is that my sneezes have a funny smell to them. Not bad, but kind of a weird bitter-sweet smell. I've tried to find out why my sneezes are odoriferous, but to no avail. I even thought the proprietor of "The Sneeze" might have some insight into my sneeze odor, that's why I came here in the first place, but Steven was no help at all. It turns out that Steven is NOT a sneeze expert, despite the fact that he calls his site "The Sneeze." Some nerve...
Anyhow, my wife doesn't mind my farts, but she does mind my sneezes.
Well, since things that start with 'f' are one of my specialties, farts definitely fall into that.
The first one in my relationship definitely fell on me. I was sitting on my boyfriend's lap (all 180 lbs of me) and we were watching the ball drop on New Years' 2005. I let one. Right there. Almost 2 months into the relationship. Jon and I cracked up. From then on, we both just laugh and chalk it up to "It's natural."
I think it's one of the first things you should do infront of someone you're interested in having a relationship with. If they can laugh and joke around about it and maybe let one go too then you're on your way to a rock solid, lasting relationship. If not, don't waste you're time - they've obviously got a stick up their ass or, worse, aren't human.
My dad farts all the time and no one takes any attention to it. However, my mom has NO sense of smell(never had one) so I guess he got lucky hehe :}D.
My husband ripped a fart when we'd only been dating two weeks - on our first camping trip. I told him not to worry, I grew up with 2 big bros and I was used to it. HUGE MISTAKE. He now farts all the time (we've been together for 5 years). I mean ALL the time. I handle it fairly well, but I have to draw the line when he does it while I'm brushing my teeth...makes me want to gag. Also, if he farts while in the car, he has to roll his window down or I go balistic. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't smell like something crawled up his ass and died.
Well... I actually had this experience just a few weeks ago. I have irritable bowel, so I have extra air in my stomach just about every other day. Thus I have trained myself to shift just right as to not make any noise.. just slide it out smooth. In fact, I got engaged without ever letting one go in front of my beautiful lady. Then, just the other day when I was trying my best not to let one fly it just jumped right out - long and loud. She just laughed at me and commented "well, I guess we got that out of the way..." This made me wish I had done it sooner. So I guess my advice would be to just let it rip ASAP (unless she is an arrogant hag, in which case you should leave her anyway).
My new boyfriend actually farted in front of me for the first time just the other day. He was proud, cuz he says "I eat pretty healthy, they smell really bad. I said "Yeah, I know, just please dear god don't Dutch oven me or I walk forever." He complied and said "It is the smell of victory." But really, it smelled like rotten vegetables or when you forget to take the trash out on trash day. I have yet to fart in front of him.
And another thing, my dad didn't know women farted until, at age 19, he met and married my mom, who farts all the time, worse and smellier than my dad. The worst is when she farts at the dining room table and it bounces off the wooden chair, making an oddly strange noise that is quite hard to describe. However, I still to this day cannot believe my nana or my aunt NEVER farted out loud, while, like watching TV or something, AMAZING.
Don't remember the first time I let rip in fornt of the wife, but she clearly wins in the aroma dept. As a matter of fact, her mom, and sister-in-law are also championship calibre "Enviromental Engineers"
It's real fun to go out shopping and drop a nuke in and isle then whisper to the wife or she to me, we better move along cause I just left a nice gift for our fellow shoppers!
I dunno when the best time is, but I can tell you it is NOT during the first time you have sex with her, apparently it's some sort of turn-off.
Whats all this, I grew with all brothers?I grew up with 3 sisters and 1 brother and my sisters are just as disgusting as my bro.If not more.My grandmother on the other hand never even burped in front anyone.She would just go in the bathroom.Anyway, we didn't have contests but...No wait, thats a lie we did have contests.Why has nobody mentioned the safety/doorknob game?
I guess I'm more relaxed at home because when I'm out with others I don't fart. Ever. Not to say I don't find it funny. Many's the time I've hurt myself from laughing so hard.
Some friends and I went camping and this guy started letting them rip...loud, flappy, ripe ones and then he'd giggle like a little girl and everyone else in the tent couldn't sleep because we were laughing so hard and he kept the trumpets sounding. He had borrowed his sleeping bag. I told him when he took it back that he should tell the owners that they should probably just burn it.
Another guy will lay on his couch and when the urge comes, will kick one leg up in the air and let 'er rip. He specializes in the ones that sound like something liquid also made the escape. Sometimes he performs while standing and has the strangest looks on his face, like he's really trying to work something out. One day he cut a really juicy sounding one and I told him he'd better check his socks.
My dad was really really good (or awfully bad, whatever) at the SBDs. Good Lord, he smelled like something crawled up his butt, crapped, and then died. And he'd sit there with a little smile on his face. My mom would start cursing and ask, "Was that you?" "Just a little bit," was his reply.
Dog farts are still the worst, though. You know they're bad when the dog farts, gets a whiff, and then looks at his butt as if to say, "Did that come out of ME?!?"
I can't remember when my husband got comfortable about it...I still find it difficult to let go. However, our two beautiful daughters (aged 3 & 5) will pull his finger, or have him pull theirs, and then analyze the results.
For example: "That was a ripper!", "That was a popper!", etc. He's hoping this will curtail their dating as they get older.
So...it's good to see that I'm not the only one who has some serious problems with Burger kind onion rings. Anyone else familiar with white castle? It smells the same on the way out!!
Growing up, farts in my family where always something to find hilarious. My brother and I have freaked out many friends by making fart noises on our arms for hours and hours at parties and in restraunts. It's a competition. We also enjoy standing outside my parents house, and seeing who can draw attention from the neighboors. Apparently, it is hereditary...because my 6 year old is the 'queen of poop town' and loves her air bisquit skills.
My brother has figured a way to make himself fart...it involves swallowing as much air as he can...waiting a few minutes...and punching himself in the gut.
"It's better to burp and taste it, than fart and waste it."
My wife and I work the farts all the time, complete with dutch oven. I still get a kick out of it and she knows the joy it brings to me and lets it happen.
Speaking of cupping, my trick on the field trip bus was to fart into a rolled up tube of paper, fold the ends down, write someones name on it and pass it to the front of the bus. The victim would open up a blank sheet, then be treated to the smell. Brilliant!
My boyfriend of six years has never had a problem sharing his farts. The only time it bothers me is when we are in public or some place where I can't run away.
To this day he still believes that I don't do such things. I'd like to keep it that way. I'm his girl, not his buddy!
I am the one who let a pantyburp first. I will never forget what my husband (then bf) told me after that first liberating poot. We had been dating two months and he had never so much as burped in front of me, let alone fart. I thought I had a real gentleman courting me!!!! Well, after a romantic evening and during the "ahem" afterglow, I was so relaxed and on my way to falling asleep and...Hooooooot! Out it popped! I started to giggle and heard nothing from him on the other side of the bed. After a minutes pause, he said "Oh thank you Jesus!" And cut the loudest, blabbery, quilt flapper I have EVER heard! We were up for hours after that cackling & laughing! Now, he is such a free-sphincter-speaker, he can fart on command! Literally! I can point my finger at the man and say "Blow me a note, Baby!" and he can deliver anytime, anywhere! His poor roommate, though, did suffer terribly during our courtship. The husband also confessed that the entire time before the "Freedom Fart" he would hold it in on our dates and then go home and position his ass in his roommates bedroom door and honk the ass horn until he was out of pain!
Love the White Castles here! If you live in or have spent any time in STL, you know what a "belly bomber" is! hehehe..
Um...I'm one of those who has been on the receiving end of a little puff while, er, orally pleasing a lady-friend. I laughed harder than I had in a very long time. I believe embarassment delayed her laughter for a bit but eventually she came around.
How about the sister of the Fart- the Queef! That would be one rude noise that we men simply don't have in our arsenal! Please discuss amongst yourselves...
My brother insists that it shouldn't be done until you are camping with your girlfriend, that's how he broke the monumental barrier. I of course take all liberty with farting in front of my sister-in-law.
I was in NY visiting a girl that I was dating, and we were having a semi-serious discussion about how comfortable we were with each other and where things were going. I told her that as comfortable as we thought we were, we had never farted in front of each other. There in the parking lot we stopped walking and both promptly tried to fart. I think it clears the air.
A Queef is also known as a "Vart". Instead of "Silent But Deadly", it's usually more "Noisy But Harmless".
Thanks for the entertainment at work. :-)
I was, in fact, making love to my girlfriend just the other night when one pooted its way out--its decision, not mine. This is the first audible fart of our relationship. although she admitted to sneaking one out while I was asleep about a week ago. And god knows I've certainly snuck or not-so-snuck a few out while I think she's asleep. I figure once the farting-during-love-making starts, everything's fair game at that point.
I find that's it's a form of trust to fart on the first date. If you let one rip and she leaves, she wasn't the one, but if they laugh...JACKPOT BABY!
My first time farting in front of my wife was mid-orgasm... her on top.
I farted on him first...on his leg...while we were spooning. We had only dated a month and half at the time...we had a good laugh about it. But now, we rip in front of eachother every day...we just don't care anymore. Hah.
My first time farting in front of my wife was mid-orgasm... her on top.
I dated a guy that did this once! Poor guy was so embarrassed.
Bethy, you were probably smelling "trouser chili". A fart won't last all night, even if it's under a ten-ton quilt.
Oh man, farts smell like love. My boyfriend and i have gas all of the time. I mean ALL OF THE TIME. I love cheese, but it doesnt love me :( sad. But hilarious.
First time i cut one in front of him was at work, our boss, Steve, believes that girls are above farting and it just doesnt happen. (bah!) So one day we were all in our tiny office and i let one rip, loud 'n proud! Steve turned to me with the most horrified face while me and my boyfriend and our colleagues were all on the floor laughing. He couldnt believe that THAT came from little sweet Angelina. >:D
My boyfriend commended me for the big balls i was showing off. I'll never forget the look on our Boss's face. lol priceless.
Nowadays we always have farting contests and get supreme satisfaction out of torturing each other with things so foul i wouldnt be able to type them. oh.. wait yeah i can.. FARTS. The cheesie kind :) YUM.
So the first time I let one rip i was kinda shy but it didnt take long to break out of that since my girlfriend was nearly aiming for a gold medal when she let one out alone with me for the frist time. Granted this was not her real first time... (read further)
Angelina, see directly above, one day coyly introduced her flappy-go-lucky side in our car after a day driving lessons. It was so unexpected. It was like a kid that just learned how to walk the more expressive my face became the more joy and laughter it brought her. I think i began to realize she was the only one for me from then on.
She must have been so thankful and happy that she had to find the most unique way of thanking me!!!
:) :) I was aware of her special powers before... i just wasnt expecting them to be expressed with such love and gusto!
Nowadays we play games to see who can outsmell the other
She proudly churns them out and defends her title but I would say she's just being modest! ;)
I couldn't think of something that couples could share that is more romantic and self expressive then the wonderful aroma of several feet or her intestines blessing my side. (deep sigh!!!!)
I think the first one should be let go on a early date, in a movie theatre......If it goes bad.....you can blame it on the fat guy in front of you!!!!
My friend let one go at the dinner table the first time he met her parents. Her father clearly didn't like him, and he got frustrated trying to make a good impression. He said "to hell with it," and ripped what he described as "a particularly juicy one."
The funny thing is her father stood, shook his hand and said.
"That takes balls kid. Sweety, I approve of this one."
I'm noisy, hubby's SBD. Oh mah gawd but it smells like something crawled up his butt and died then was pulled out to rot in the sun and then shoved back up in there. We eat the same food. WTF?
Hubby calls me his little Toot Pot. Short and stout. Here is my handle and here is my *pooot*
Now queefs on the other hand...that's a whole different territory. Those border on, dare I say, sexy?
My boyfriend got it out of his system before we started dating by farting on his brother's head in front of me and a bunch of friends.
But the one I'm most fond of was after we were officially together. We call it a "Poist Coitus Foit."
my boyfriend starting letting them rip before we even started dating also.So i knew ahead of time that it was part of the package.and i love him for it.SOMETIMES.
Some people are just so absolutely, disgustingly sick.
My husband farted on our first date. "It just slipped out," he explained sheepishly. Oh how I laughed.
The other day, my girlfriend of 2 weeks was over. I farted. I thought she didnt hear me. My brother turns to me and says "how long have you 2 been going out?" because of this article. She did hear me tho, luckily she doesnt care.
I think the first time I farted in front of my husband was when we were dating. He was asleep and we were sharing a twin sized bed. I was snug up against the wall and was tired of climbing over him to go relieve myself in the bathroom, so I devised a way to make them silent. Just pull one cheek out and it slips out really quiet like. After that, I don't remember if we intentionally farted in front of each other, we just did and we didn't care.
Right before we got married, we went camping at a near by lake and the whole family was there to have a wedding shower for us. One night we were sitting around the table playing a board game. My father in law is the funniest guy..he farts when ever and then says something clever. I had to fart so bad. I laughed everytime one of them blew the butt horn, but knew I would be too embarassed to do it myself. I mustered all the confidence I had and lifted cheek and blasted. My face turned 3 shades of red, I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants and then I was immediately welcomed into the family right then and there. It was a fun memory!
OMG! I nearly killed myself laughing at this post and the comments.
I never heard my husband fart for about a year. Considering what I have heard [and smelled, ohdeargodinheaven] since, I am amazed he didn't blow apart at the seams that first 12 months.
On my blog I have told a couple of stories about "man farts" since he relaxed. Just click on the link and type "fart" in the search box.
Men, Bravo. I do not know how it is you smell so foul...but you do.
I've been married for 15 years and we still haven't gone there. We both always blame it on the dog.
I once had an officemate who conducted scientific experiments by farting in a Mason jar and immediately sealing it, labeling it with date of emission and source (pizza, asparagus, etc.) He then tested to see how long the odor would linger in the jar. And I, too, come from a fartiferous family. My parents were newlyweds when my mother farted for the first time in front of her new husband. They were at a lake, and my mother was bending over looking at a fish swimming under the dock when she let 'er rip. My father laughed so hard he fell in the lake. In college, my dad attempted the classic prank of lighting a fart but was not expecting a slow-floating SBD -- with near-disastrous consequences to his manhood. And to this day, my brother (who, when younger, could fart like a bleating lamb) and I trade stories of crop-dusting through stores and watching hapless victims' expressions when they (heh heh) walk into our little "gift."
So the first time I ever hooked up with my boyfriend of about three months, we were both drunk and taking care of another drunk friend. After making sure he was okay, we collapsed on a couch and fell asleep until the following morning, when he wakes me up bright and early, ready to face the day, with the most gigantic fart right on my leg. I mean, he really ripped it. So right from the beginning, we have been totally free. Well, him more so than me, but whatev. And hey, our relationship is great and has been from the start. I credit the opening fart. It really broke some boundaries right at the beginning. For the record, what's the consensus on ball scratching in front of a significant other?
Not only do I freely fart in front of my boyfriend, I freely fart in front of everyone. Beware.
It really unnerves me when my boyfriend farts in front of my parents. He's 15, and sometimes he embarasses me so much.
According to his father I need to teach him TABLE MANNERS aswell!
Now I know why nobody trusts my judgement when it comes to boyfriends.
I'm not sure when it all started. But my farts are noisy. After each one my significant other says, "God Bless You." It cracks me up every time.
Ah, my fiance is kind of still shy about farting in front of me--she's only done it once. It kind of became okay for me to fart in front of her when I started teaching her about Dutch Ovens. Now she has to sleep with one arm folded over the comforter so that I can't pull it over her head and let one go. She always laughs when I fart, though.
There are limits, however. Like okay, last night I ate White Castle for the first time in a long time. Predictably, there was some serious toxic gas--I'm talking like the kind that could clear a room full of full-grown men. I was pretty careful not to let them go in front of her--I mean, I don't want to hurt her. I had the kind of farts that would wake me up from a dead sleep, they smelled *that* bad. So I went downstairs and let them go for about 45 minutes, then went back up to bed.
I am not in a relationship, never had one too, but had a very funny situation: I was in a more-or-less public building to photograph a new-year party. I know most of the people who were there by name, so I have a reputation to lose (I mean: I have a good reputation and I don't want to lose it... :-)
At a certain point I decided to go to the adjacent room of the main hall where the party was to copy all my pictures from my memory card to the pc that's standing there. Because I was the only person in that room I let one rip out loud.
The next second a very nice girl opened the door and entered the room, and walked right to me to look over my shoulder at the pictures I was copying and editing. I heard her inhaling through her nose as if she wasn't sure yet what she smelled...
I'm not 'with' this guy, though I'd like to be and I think he feels the same. He farts in front of me constantly, wafts it and even lets me know how stinky it is. He'll even pin me down and fart on me. He's gone as far as telling me not to be embarrassed, rip it and claim it. I find his farting on me to be a sign of affection and being comfortable around me. If a girl can't handle you passing gas, then she's not ready to be around a guy for more than 5 minutes.
to andrew up there, the farting is all ok and all, i mean, we all do it, but geez, is there any terminology more nauseating than 'making love'?
oh wait, were you just trying to creep us all out? if that's the case, then good job.
As a kid I used to call out a little rhyme .... Listen to this too good to miss, Da da da da da da .... Phfrrrrt, Here comes another one just like the other one de de de de de de, Pfrrrrrt, Listen to me here's number three, de de de de de de .... PFRRRRTTTTTT.
Ahh the joys of innocence!
the first time my bf farted in front of me was our first night together... it was in the middle of a bj, and he suddenly pulled me off with a startled look on his face... i was worried i bit him. and then the smell hit me.
i use that as a good excuse for my farting now. the best one i did was when his house was going through developments and we had to sleep in a bed in the living room. i let out a huuuge sbd, and 10 minutes later his mum walked in and started yelling at him for being so disgusting. 5 minutes later we heard her gagging outside the room. hahaha. nice one!
I farted for the first time within the first month of dating my future wife. I like her a lot and figured this was a good way to show her just how comfortable I felt around her. To this day I tell her my gas is testiment to my love for her.
Just last week my wife said she wanted me to go the doctor to get checked out for my gas. She thinks it is impossible for someone to fart as much and as smelly as I do. I told her sure I would go to the doctor, but she was going to come with me. When the doctor asks me what is wrong I will tell him that I fine, and defer to my wife so she will have to tell him I have smelly farts. She quickly changed her mind.
I used the cup-of-fart method to breach this subject. For those of you who do not know what a cup-of-fart is I will explain. While I was driving my fiance around one day, I raised back in my driver's seat and pointed my sphincter forward to direct any fumes towards my cupped hand. Then I released a silent but very violent gassy discharge. Once I was confident that I collected enough of the noxious substance, I slowly wafted my hand full of fart gas directly at her face. She barely had enough time to ask me, "What are you doi..... OH MY GAWD!!! That's awful!!!!" I think it nearly gagged her. Ever since then we have had no problem farting in front of eachother
Whenever I release one of my patented sbd's, my wife always unknowingly walks into the room and gets a whiff. It's like my farts are a magnet for her nose.
And it's not just my wife. I remember one cold winters morning, I had just pulled in to the parking lot at work, but it was too early to go in, so while I listened to the radio, I let a huge sbd creep out. Just then, a female co-worker who was also waiting in her car decided to get in my car and spend a few minutes talking about the upcoming work day. I still remember the look on her poor face. Watching a good-morning-smile morph into a quizzicle-omg-face...priceless.
DbleDown, that manuver is called a "fart, snatch, dispatch", been doing it for years.
In other news to stevedon'teatit...blog more blogs.
Here's another gem. I dated a girl that had IBS (irritable bowel syndrom) and she just didn't eat or drink certain things without disasturous results.
While visiting my Grandparents, she was served milk with breakfast and like the doll she was, drank half the glass. I was too worried about the pancakes and eggs to even notice. About 20 minutes after the meal was over, we started to get ready to leave for the store. "Christina" quitly slipped into the hallway bathroom and unknowingly started to rip howlers for several minutes. I looked at my grandparents who were obviously ignoring the sounds. "Christina" exited the bathroom, shut the door and began to put her jacket on as if nothing had happened. WELL, I decided to check out the damage. As I went for the doorhandle, she gave me a karate chop to the wrist. That's right, I said Karate chop. She looked onto my eyes and said"You don't need to go in there". All this time my grandparents are making busy and playing it off.
Well I broke free from here gaze and wrestled her for the door. Mistake one was not listening to her, mistake two was sticking my head in and taking a big breath. I almost blacked out!
"Christina" was REALLY pissed being this was the first time she had met my grandparents.
Of course I made a huge deal out of it and god bless my grandad, but all he said was "I like your jacket "Christina".
One more for the road.....
My girlfriend with IBS and I cracked up about this for days after.
We were planning a romantic night in after a nice dinner so we stopped at the movie rental store to grab a flick. Well something from dinner just didn't agree with here and she started whistlin' dixie. I saw it coming and descreetly moved several isles away and hid. She started to call for me calmly and then it became an all out yell for me ro get my ass over to her because she needed to go. I had the car keys on me and the really funny part was that between yelling my name, I could here her farting from five rows away!! She finally caught me, dragged me to the car and demanded me to take her home. I was cracking up and fumbled the keys. She took the plastic fork that came with the desert takeout and stabbed me in the leg!!! I was still laughing too hard. Finally at home, she ran to the bathroom and proceeded to shit and fart her guts out. I stayed in the hallway and literally hurt myself laughing. No sex that night.
Both sides of my family feature some famous wind musicians. From Dad's side, in addition to the big guy himself (see below), we have his three brothers, one of whom gave a speech on the history of farts at an awards ceremony and another who made a point to cut loose whenever one of them brought a girlfriend home.
Mom's brother, on the other hand, taught me and my cousins all about the art of flatus when we were kids, including such tricks as the Cup-o-Fart, the Study Hall Special (bust one off a library chair), and the Stun-a-Nun (drop an SBD as Sister Mary is walking down the hall). Gotta love Catholic education. He, of course, had been notorious in his youth for the magic he could work with an extra large bowl of Wheaties. We all used to eagerly await the holidays, as he would sit at the kids' table, load up on bean dip and broccoli, and play us a concert. For the 4th of July, he'd do the 1812 Overture, complete with cannon shots, and "Silent Night" was a Christmas classic in more ways than one. Eine kleine Assmusik, anyone?
My parents got the gas issue out of the way early, as they met on a business trip and my dad gets particularly gassy whenever air travel is involved. (He claims it's the pressure changes in the cabin; we suspect the airline peanuts.) Now, he serenades us every night as he does the dishes, and then turns around with a dopey grin and says something like "Whoa, somebody call Guinness, that just set a record!" There isn't much smell, but the volume, duration and tonal changes are truly a marvel. (Once or twice, Mom and I have threatened to tape him, but invariably we're laughing too hard.) Mom, on the other hand, sneaks off to the bathroom and lights a whole box of matches to burn off the funk before it turns into an explosive hazard. And make no mistake, it is lethal. WWI mustard gas has nothing on Mom and a bag of rice cakes.
I'm not sure when the best time to "clear the air" (or not) is when you're in a relationship. Last time around, my SO would not let out so much as a stomach growl in my presence, and I wasn't about to inaugurate the emissions extravaganza. Interestingly, we had no problems discussing all manner of bodily functions, including gas itself; we both worked in healthcare, so there was no such thing as "gross". (When you can discuss ulcerative colitis over the dinner table and not only not puke, but actually think this is normal conversation, one would think the garden-variety pooter would pale in comparison.)
We were together for almost four years. If only I'd dared to derriere back then, perhaps we'd still be together today...
with the current boyfriend, i'm pretty sure i farted first. for the longest time, we had a running joke that girls didn't fart or poop, but i'm pretty sure those notions all went out the window the day i neglected to flush at his house.
as for farting, one memory stands out clearly. it was sometime last october, and we were in a bookstore. i hadn't eaten anything that day but taco bell. while i was looking at beatles records, he walked up to me and made a crack about ringo starr, and i responded with "i'm sorry." he asked if he had offended me somehow and i just told him "no, i'm SORRY," (we are both big shaun of the dead fans) and walked off. by the time he had figured it out, it was too late to run.
As a general rule, my husband and I just don't fart around each other. It wasn't really a decision. It just turned out that way.
I come from a farting family of origin, myself. Long car rides, Dad would let one rip purely as entertainment for my brother and me in the back seat. We'd all go, "Daaaad!" and crack up and roll down the windows of the Buick LeSabre. I'm not sure how much I participated (my Mom never joined in either) but there were fart jokes a plenty and Dad and brother were totally into it.
My husband's family-not so much.
So, you know, after a few years of marriage, it's just kind of this thing you don't do. i mean, we'd pee in front of each other, but farting wa the line we never crossed. That was true until I got pregnant.
I was huge with child (he ended up being over 10 pounds at birth so when I say HUGE, I mean HUGE.) We were hanging out on the bed chatting and he said something funny and I cracked up laughing. Laughed so hard, this loooong fart came out of me and my pregnant butt.
Of course, he had this shocked look on his face and he lost it which made me laugh even harder which made me fart even more. This went on and on for minutes with me screaming for him to stop making me laugh and he couldn't stop laughing because I couldn't stop farting.
When the air finally cleared, I said, "Sorry, but that was really funny."
He said, "Yeah, obviously," and it started all over again.
this makes me sad. I have no one to fart with.....
why are all the good women taken????
My girl and I were going out for about 5 months when I accidentlly got caught letting one rip. Previously, we had discussed things like Dutch Ovens, but none had actually been experienced.
So, one night during a DVD I felt a rumbling stirring down below. I knew it was going to be pretty huge, so I excused myself and headed downstairs to the kitchen.
I figured the coast was clear so I let rip.
Unfortunatly, my girlfriend had followed me a few moments later, and as she was coming down the stairs she heard me in mid fart (actually, 3 huge ones).
Now completely relieved, I left the kitchen and ran into her in the hall. Completely embarrased, I asked "did you hear that?" and she just started cracking up.
Since then, occasional gas has been quite entertaining.
I have been reading these over a the past week, generally I read these things in one sitting, but honestly I find myself laughing so hard I can't see. So I have to stop and do something else...oh yeah, I'm at work while reading them..
anyway, I myself have never farted in front of a boyfriend or my ex husband, I always thought it wasn't lady like. When they did it, I just pretended not to hear. look at all the fun I have missed...sigh
We've been married almost 33 years. Of course farting happens all the time. What is really funny is our Jack Russell terrier. When he farts, he looks back at his ass and starts barking at it. Our black lab can literally clear the room. She makes us look like amateurs.
As my father told me when I was just a wee lad:
(Imagine this with a bad Scottish accent)
"Wherever ye be, let your wind blow free."
This freedom from instilled in childhood has carried me
though many years of marriage, after all it's us against the world.
After only being married a few days my husband let one rip for the first time around me. we were lying in the tub and i just felt the bubbles roll up my back,that's true love if i dont say so myself, and what's worse then the Dutch Oven is him busting ass in the hot steamy shower and holding the doors closed so i have to basically marinade in it. I've never known a fart to be so smelly that it's made me vomit. He's so bad he's cleared a busy Jet hanger and has been banned from busting ass at work.
I've known my husband since 7th grade (we're 30 now) and he only did this in front of my for the first time last year. I smacked his arm (it's in the girl handbook) and he sheepishly laughed. I made sure I made him think I was embarassed and insulted, so he'll never do it again.
I don't care that he rips 'em, but hell if I'm going to be subjected to it.
manipulation and humilitaion is the key, people.
I'm a girl and we all know girls don't fart.
My husband dutifully believes this.
So...last night my daughter comes running into the bathroom while I'm on the toliet.
She proceeds to sing a song from church, which she had made her own....
"I wanna sit down,stand up, clap my hands *turns around wiggles her butt in my face and cuts one* and shout alleluia!!
Praise be to god...that stank!
Dating or married to the same woman for 17 years... we NEVER fart around each other except in a dire emergency or complete unexpected accident.
Its an unwritten law and I'm damn glad for it.
Reminds me of a joke.
A woman comes to see a doctor.
"Doctor, I have a gas problem. I'm farting ALL THE TIME! I'm not sure it's a problem, though, because they don't smell and they don't make any sound, so I don't think anyone really notices.
The doctor gives her some medicine and tells her to come back the next week to see how it worked.
The next week, she said, "Well the medicine you gave me didn't really help my as problem. I'm still farting all the time, but now they're really loud. They still don't smell, though.
The doctor said,
"Well, that's helped your hearing, now to do something about your sense of smell."
Took me and my guy about a week, since then it's been non-stop farting. We both find it funny though as we're very mature like that so we now find ourselves TRYING to do it to amuse the other, and also trying to catch the other in a dutch oven. We've been going out for 6 weeks. It was 2 before we started with the oven. Is this normal?
I don't get to do the D.O. to my lucky ball and chain much anymore, ah I miss the good ol' days. But this morning I had a rare opportunity. After working my usual 3rd shift slave labor I slipped into bed with her this morning to enjoy a few minutes of bliss. Thats when she let one rip and I immediatley pulled the blanket over her. I was so dissapointed, absolutley no reaction. Thats when I heard a muffled voice say, "you forget I don't stink". Damn that lying woman!
But my favorite is when my 2 yr old son runs face first into the orifice from hell and gets a face full.
Well my husband did it on our 2nd date, while we were kissing. He blamed it on stomach problems...LOL
It was literally forced out of me. After we had been together for over a year my husband decided it was long enough. He waited until I was bloated and feeling gassy and then he got me on the ground and sat on my stomach until I did IT! I was embarassed and he laughed hysterically.
This is obviously an issue that is close to peoples hearts...approximately 18" close. Just look at the comments pouring in.
My wife and I have had several conversations about the issue of breaking the SOUND BARRIER. We personally broke it before we got married.
I post to share the a story bout my in-laws. My mother-by-law insists that her husband has never heard her fart. Furthermore, her husband has never seen her on the toilet (can't say I would start to much conflict over that one). I think that it is wierd to be married to someone for more than half of your life and never allow them to hear you do something that is just as natural and healthy as drinking water or breathing for that matter. And believe me, my MIL is wierd.
I guess you have to give her some kind of credit for having that much principle or whatever. I mean just fart already.
Maybe our children will see the implementation of non-farting sections in restaurants, no farting signs in airplanes, and then "farter sheds" outside of office buildings for all the windbreakers to huddle. All standing there shivering in the cold just so they can pinch off a few audible ones.
Some of my most memorable moments with my father have been shared farting.
And I pass that legacy on to my 3-year old son whose first structured sentence was, "Daddy poot." Put that in your scrap book.
28 in LA.
I and my fiance made a rule which I have never regretted - we decided that any time one of us let rip in the other's presence, it meant "I love you." Imagine guffing with gusto, and instead of a waving hand and filthy look, you get a kiss and told that they love you. Isn't that the way it's meant to be?
BTW - the worse it smells, the more you mean it.
Luckily, I'm in college, this means, if you're drunk, fart! My girlfriend and I were going out for about a week, we were drinking with some friends and I just let out a HUGE one and started laughing hystaricly with my friends (who she didn't even know up untill that night.) If you're in mixed company who you KNOW thinks farting is funny, it makes it so much easier because the issue is, you don't know if they're going to laugh or not. If one person laughts, it makes it ok.
Chris - I agree. That's the way it's meant to be.
Although I had other plans, God said, "HAH!"
The first time the husband "dined at the Y," and while the "Y" was enjoying happy time, my colon had other ideas, and my brain short circuited mid-orgasm, and as they say, "one got past the guard." An escapee.
It was a relatively short one, very little fall out (zero stench); however... it was LOUD like a fourth of July Firecracker going off.
Husband popped his head up like a prairie dog, inquired what was up, and then dutifully went back to the business at hand. Or mouth, as it were.
Oh, and in six years of our relationship, I have only heard the husband crack one off, accidentally, ONCE.
If he had his way, he'd be happy if I did not acknowledge he has a colon at all.
Me? I take pride in my farts! Better out than in!
(Promise this is my last comment on this thread today:) )
"derriere derring-do?" Oh my, I will keep that in the back of my mind for a title of a future blog entry title!!!
REAR ADMIRAL? LOL~
Steve, the folks who comment here are just as amusing as your material they are commenting upon!
This is hilarious!
However, I'm not a fan of farting around other people in any fashion.
I am such a hypocrite! When alone, it's fun to let 'em rip!
I guess I was the first to let go.... not even sure if she noticed. For some reason, nerves, I suppose, I get a lot gas when I first start dating someone. We were in a bathtub, her between my legs and many glasses of wine.
There was so much gas inside me that I could not hold anymore back. Little ones escaped... I can only hope she didn't noticed the bubbles on her back. LOL....
I'm sure I've rumbled the bed while sleeping. After hours and hours of holding them in, sleep is a release. That's the only time I've ever heard her... and they were only "poof's" As lady-like as you can get.
There was one night at dinner at a restaraunt and this stench hit me. She didn't react one bit! Had to be her... still, I take great comfort in thinking it was the table next to us.
It's been 7 months and I've only heard her pee. I try to keep quiet in the bathroom... hope it works!
This doesn't apply to the whole dating scenario, but whenever I'm waiting tables and I happen to have a customer that I am not very fond of, the co-worker with the most foul gas is nominated to perform a good ol' "crop-dusting" throughout my section.
We were sitting on the bed together about 3 months into the relationship, when I felt one escape. Would have been nice if it wasn't one of the stinker types, but unfortunately, it was. Either way, within two seconds he was off the bed like he'd been set on fire, laughing and gagging.
Within the next minute though, he'd let off one himself. So ta-ta to our inhibitions.
My ex never farted anywhere EVER except the toilet. His Ma was a bitch and brought him up strict. What was really funny though was that cos he held it all the time, whenever he did actually go to the toilet - to fart - you could hear it all through the house!
Worst part was though that I couldn't fart around him and if I did he was always really disgusted!
The first time I farted with my wife I was lighting it on fire.
I have found that it is always best if you wait for her to do it. a fart is a fart and men and women both fat about 15 times a day on average (nature magazine 2005) unless you aremarried to a cow that expels nearly 50lt of methane a month thus contributing to global warming. if you have an ass like that or your other half is a cow farting should be no problem.
I'd be more concerned, or German, if you let her take a dump in front of you.
LOL these posts have been great. Myself, I'm very shy about passing gas in front of my honey. He says it's natural and it doesn't bother him, but I'm mortified at the thought of him catching me. I've been unable to hold it in sometimes, and I'm so paranoid he's heard it... And if he ever has gas, I have not noticed once. Swear to god though, he ever dutch ovens me, I leave him. lol Maybe if we get married and have a kid, I wouldn't kill him over it. But I grew up around people who demanded, with anger and offense, to know who farted if they smelled or heard anything. And half the time, the offender got a spanking. How twisted is that? Thanks for the childhood trauma, auntie.
I just had the health teacher at my son's school talk to me because my son is, apparently, farting too much.
Try to keep a straight face through that conversation.
My boy friend just sent this to me. We've been going out for maybe 5 - 6 Monthes now and its been pretty good. We've had a few conversations dedicated to farting. Personally, I'm embarrased to fart in front of him. Though I come from a family of musicians. :) Both mom and dad side. And his family is worse then mine. He shares his stories, and tells me alot. The first time he farted we were making shadow puppets laying in bed, yes I know we're sad, but one in particuliar made us laugh very hard, and without warning he ripped one. I was so shocked, I started laughing even harder, and he laughed with me. But the most recent one he just stopped and went, "Cover your ears" When I did so, he ripped one. All night he kept telling me to cover my ears, or did it for me until finally we went to sleep. Thank god they were loud and not smelly. Or I would have run out of the room crying. :)
Personally, I think once its out in the open, theres no worries for the future.
I'm the boyfriend mentioned in Kiyoshi's post, and in my defense I have to pull.. er, point the finger at my father, who is the gassiest person I have ever met. He lets off more stink in his sleep than an oil refinery, with about the same environmental damage. My mother gets up at least once a night to Febreeze the bedroom so she can sleep.
My personal moment of triumph occured in 8th grade, when I tore a hole in the air so loudly that the teacher -- a kindly middle-aged lady -- broke down laughing and had to stop teaching and sit down for a few minutes, earning me the proud nickname "Recess."
Me and my b/f have been together for a year...he hates farting and hates to do it around me especially...He has never done it infront of me...to my knowledge anyway, lol.
well i let one or two slip before and it made him so sick...now he calls me gassy.lol
its alright...after reading most of the comments i kinda feel more relaxed with it.
i remember one of the first times my girlfriend farted, we were at her parents house and she was sitting on my lap, when out of nowhere she lets one rip on my lap and turns around and says "you like that one babe", from then on i knew id never find another girl like her, she even calls me on the can now so i can here her rip, although its pretty weird to have ur gf call u when shes on the can, its slightly erotic?
ps im tryin the dutch oven the first chance i get
i have yet to fart in front of my boyfriend of 2+ years, but he has no problem with it anymore. the first time was when we were in his car (small car= not alot of ventilation). in the middle of a nice kiss, he decides to rip one. lol, talk about ruinin the moment.
ive become accustomed to it now.
Let one out silently after 1 month of dating and then blame it on her. See how she reacts and you'll know how to take it from there.
I don't do it in front of anyone, so what? I got class, I'm a lady, and am skilled in the art of control over my "functions." when alone I am loud and proud and laugh out loud but I'm too shy to do it in front of anyone. but when anyone else does it it's no big deal.
a boyfriend I had a few years ago was from a dangerously repressed family. his mom performed an exorcism on him when she heard him swearing for god's sake! no lie! my dad's family is, like, totally obsessed with bodily functions. my aunt had such a speech about how potato salad smells like farts that I can't eat it to this day. anyway, one day this guy accidentally yet unmistakably let one rip in my car while laughing he turned ten shades of red, apologized profusely, and then cried in shame, yes, literally CRIED IN SHAME! I knew he was the biggest wuss I had ever met and yes, soon after that I dumped his ass.
I was mortified for him. not for the farting but for the crying. I took it as a sign of serious emotional problems. I mean, seriously!
a male friend of mine once said that the reason it smells so nasty after girls go to the bathroom is that they hold it in so long. which is why when I lived with two guys I kept scented candles in the bathroom as an excuse to keep a pack of matches in there at all times, because I know the power of my own.