February 21, 2004

Elves Got Skillz

Like most people, I tend to only think about elves during the usual times -- around Christmas, and when I'm having sex. But the other day Mark and I were discussing just how versatile these pointy-eared little freaks really are.

Without further delay, The Sneeze proudly presents:


THE MAGICAL SKILL SET OF ELVES

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Building Toys: Elves work tirelessly all year long so on Christmas Eve, Santa can deliver delightful toys to all the good little girls and boys. Yaaay! (Unless their parents are poor, in which case Santa brings crappy toys, or maybe an orange. Awww.)

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Baking Cookies: I believe it was a young Stephen Hawking who said, "If cookies were ho's, then elves be they pimp." (I might be paraphrasing a bit-- it was either that or some crap about the universe.) The point is, elves make some kick-ass cookies.

The Keebler's prefer to do their baking in large hollow trees, despite the enormous fire hazard. Each year hundreds of elves and woodland creatures die in baking related forest fires, but Fudge Grahams taste awesome, so fuck it.


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Making Cereal: Snap, Crackle and Pop are best known for inventing Rice Krispies cereal. Legend has it they had a fourth brother named "Soggy," who died suspiciously the night before the cereal was unveiled in 1932. The three assailants were never found.

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Shooting arrows into people: Lord of the Rings has taught us that when elves are not sending out joy in the form of toys, cereal and cookies, they are sending razor sharp arrows deep into the skulls of their enemies. A good rule of thumb is: Don't bother them, and they won't bother you. Elves are a lot like bees. (Who make cookies.)

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Dentistry: In at least one documented case, an elf named Hermie left the toy biz to strike out on his own and become a practicing dentist. During his 2nd root canal he thought to himself, "This sucks." He was last seen crying somewhere near Santa's workshop.

Last month I dropped by the annual Elf Expo in Vegas, and I was pleasantly surprised to see them all at an autograph table. When they found out I was the guy who does The Sneeze they even took 10% off the price of a signed publicity photo. Elves may be cheap, but they still rock! Check it out!

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Posted by Steven | Archive
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