February 02, 2004

Steve, Don't Eat It! -- 1991 Urkel-Os

Years ago, my friend Lisa gave me an autographed box of Urkel-O's cereal. It is signed: "To Steve -- God Bless, Jaleel White." I don't know, but if I were God, I'm not sure I'd listen to Urkel. In fact, I think my Godly response might be something like, "Hey, fuck you, Urkel. Don't tell me who to bless."

Incidentally, I'm not the "Steve" it was signed for. Lisa found the box in a collectibles store, but that's okay. I don't mind being a second-hand Steve.

I had always been a little creeped out that the cereal was still in the box since 1991. But the Urkel-Os are now 14 years old, and I am no longer creeped out. I'm psyched, because I realized what I have in my possession is not just a box of old cereal (and possibly some larvae), but a chance to taste history.

This particular box of Urkel-O's is unique because it's some kind of weird sales sample, and has "marketing features and benefits" on the back. One of the "features" is actually listed as: Fun, circle-shaped product. I had no idea circles were so fun. At least now I know what to get the kids next Christmas. A fucking circle.

I'd also like to point out, that the cereal itself doesn't have a single thing to do with Urkel. It's just strawberry and banana flavored rings. If there was an episode where Urkel lost his virginity to a strawberry flavored ring, I missed it.

You'd think for a celebrity tie-in, they'd at least make half an effort to actually "tie" it in to something. Even if they just connected the loops together, I'd buy that they were supposed to be Urkel's glasses.

In fact, C3PO's cereal would have been a better Urkel-O's -- look at 'em. Come to think of it, what the hell were C3P0's supposed to be anyway? His eyes? That there is some jedi bullshit.

Well, it's cereal time, and I'm gonna go eat me a big ol' bowl of 1991...



I'm back, and I'm not exactly sure how to say this, but... THE CEREAL IS STILL GOOD! I swear to God.

I'm a little freaked out. Should I call the Pope? This is a miracle, right? I mean, I used to think the idea of suspended animation and cryogenics was pretty cool, but the hell with that. If I die, don't freeze my brain -- just bury me in a box of Urkel-O's. Apparently it has the ability to stop time.

And what's even more ridiculous is the milk I used was only 2 days past the expiration date, and it tasted funkier than the cereal. (Which, by the way, was only 4,380 days past its expiration date.)

My wife doesn't like it when I eat potentially life-threatening stuff. I don't know what her problem is. Maybe she's just afraid to raise our children alone. What a baby. When I told her that the cereal was still good, she was amazed for a moment and then she said, "Good. Now you can throw it away."

Throw it away?! She's a loon. I told her I'm putting it right back in the box so I can try eating it again in six years when it turns 20.

It looks like this episode of Steve, Don't Eat It has a happy ending. Although, I am glad Urkel signed the box "God Bless." I may need it in heaven tonight, after I die from strawberry-flavored maggots hatching in my rectum.

(All Steve, Don't Eat It's can be found here.)

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