January 18, 2004

Jessica Revisited

The Dainty Beast Herself

Regular visitors to The Sneeze may remember my friend Jessica, and her now infamous apology after forgetting my birthday.

Well, today is Jessica's birthday, and I have not forgotten! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSICA!

More importantly, she has asked me to let you guys know that she is somehow still available.

This year I would like my gift to Jessica to be a flesh and blood feller. So, come one, come all... step right up and try to win this little lady's heart. Who here is man enough to conquer the dainty beast known as JESSICA.

As we celebrate her birthday-- the anniversary of the very day she emerged from her mother's naughty place, test your skill and see if you might get into hers.

Email Jessica right here. Good luck!

Click here for The Sneeze Home Page!
Posted by Steven | Archive

As I remember, Jessica is that little hottie who isn't afraid of The C Word, right? Jessica is lucky I'm married.

Posted by: dave at January 4, 2004 06:52 PM

That's all well and good, but I don't think that we should pine for the young lass' heart again unless we get another sampling of her sailor's mouth. So, in the hopes that Jessica will get torqued up, I would like to mention that my birthday was, in fact, yesterday (1/4) and that she missed it. Alrighty, fire away. Well, that and happy birthday.

Posted by: Phil at January 5, 2004 09:36 AM

Seriously, mine was in August and she diddn't call me either. Jessica, I'm starting to think you have a problem remembering dates in general.

Also, That's a great email address.... and I thought I had all of the really good ones registered.

Posted by: Paul at January 5, 2004 12:38 PM

If Jessica hooks up an Orgasmatron she may not need a man other than to take out the trash (cut and paste the link if you can't click it).
Ah the days are just packed.

Posted by: Kevin at January 5, 2004 03:25 PM

Clearly Jessica needs her own reality tv series where a camera crew follows her around on her daily routine as she goes about normal everyday activities, cursing and swearing up a storm.

We love you Jessica!

Posted by: Tom at January 6, 2004 06:25 AM

(and the odd lesbo)

The Birthday was a fine one, if for no other reason that Steven was in attendance, and sitting (near) my side. Yes, its true, I am what they call 30, and oddly, not so worse for the wear.

Yes! there was a fabulous dinner, Yes! I was surrounded by 20 of my closest friends, Yes! there was chocolate souffle, but sadly there was nary a man-beast in sight. Oh, unless you count me sloppily hitting on "Jameson" the waiter of somewhat indeterminate sexuality for the last 45 seconds of the night.

So, yes, come one, come all, 'cause this little moppet is UNBELIEVABLY still on the market, and getting more despearate (not really, but don't you somehow feel like the keys to the kingdom are within reach??) as each hour grows.

So, pen it up boys! Send me your correspondence, your compliments, your digi pics, if you don't mind.

I eagerly await!



Posted by: NappyRag (Jessica) at January 7, 2004 12:57 AM

Nice handwriting Jess.

1 (919) 872-2767 at the beep please...yadda yadda

The Sneeze has a new sleeve to wipe it on. I have found a home.

That's all I got....


Posted by: Dartangen at January 7, 2004 09:59 AM

Yo, dye ya hairs black, Mami! Sayin'!

Posted by: Shizzy McIzzy at January 7, 2004 11:26 AM

I think I've found my dream girl...
Allow me to paste from my date.com profile:

I'm looking for a woman who understands that there are times when a man needs to go out drinking. And by "times" I mean every night. My woman should also understand that there are times when a man needs to go out chasing some fresh tail. And by "times" I mean every weekend. She should be commited, and by that I mean always waiting at home, preferrably with a hot meal when my evening of partying ends, or at least willing to provide a little "service" if I didn't get lucky already that night. I don't need a lot of pressure, demands or mouthing off. My woman should understand that if I need to talk to her, I'll call her and if she needs to talk to me she can wait by the phone. Someone with money would be nice, cause the less I have to work, the more I can drink. My woman doesn't have to be a supermodel, she just needs to have a great butt, nice rack and legs like a champ.

A sense of humor is obviously required (did you *really* think I was serious about any of this stuff?)

Posted by: Rick_Kane at January 7, 2004 12:40 PM

Is there any chance you'll show us some of the funnier e-mails?


Posted by: Jack at January 7, 2004 11:27 PM

Hey, I sent Jessica a loving email (not) in the vein she is accustomed to, with no response?!?! Well, maybe I didn't drop the c-bomb often enough. Or maybe it was just too sweet. I don't know. I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, Jessica only wants the kind of man that a woman can strap on.

Posted by: Kurt at January 8, 2004 08:39 AM


You really don't talk to a lot of women do you? Your e-mail was probably only one of 2 that she got right? Did you use the "important" marker on your e-mail?? Maybe that was the problem!

I'm gonna go with the hunch that you are one of those guys that go up to a woman in a bar...get shut down, then walk away muttering "lesbian" under your breath. Pretend you have a Y chromosome and try again!

At least post his e-mail...I SO wanna see this sweet ignored prose he's lamenting about!


Posted by: Michael at January 8, 2004 11:33 AM

What a charmer are you, Kurt!

Yes, any girl who doesn't respond to your rapier sharp wit and elegant prose must surely be a lesbian. I have had the oddest sensation that something was not quite right for sometime now...The wrong job? The wrong haircut? The wrong gender?...And now it is all so crystal clear...I'm simply a lesbo...

A million thank yous, Kurt, for helping me, and all those other "difficult" gals with their irksome "smarts,"clear up that nasty bit of business.

I hope your dog enjoys anal.



Posted by: NappyRag (Jessica) at January 8, 2004 11:44 AM

For Michael:

Please see Kurt's email posted below. He manages to take all of the joy and mystery out of life with one misogynistic dance across the keyboard. Who wouldn't want to snuggle up to this living doll?

Happy Birthday Jessica

1/5/2004 2:07:42 PM Eastern Standard Time



I was gonna call ya a c*ntrag, but that would be tooooo easy. I'll just let it go with the following:

You are one day closer to hitting the wall that all women crash into where their tits wind up in their pants pockets and their face starts to remarkably resemble their maternal grandfather, right down to the bristly whiskers. So enjoy sex while you can, cause soon enough, your man will be out dipping it in someone who reminds him of what you were like when you were hot.

In all honesty, I am most offended that Kurt can't follow simple instructions...Steve declares me single, yet, still I am warned of impending cuckoldry....get it together, douche.

Posted by: NappyRag (Jessica) at January 8, 2004 01:02 PM

Kurt reminds me of a character in a movie I just saw: Bad Santa. He strikes a resonant chord with the guy that was trying to ass rape Santa in the parking lot of the bar.

Posted by: Michael at January 8, 2004 01:27 PM

/still pouting with arms akimbo (SWEET!)

Posted by: Dartangen at January 8, 2004 03:44 PM

Jessica, babe, why do you hurl your pearls before such swine? Chula, you need a blog to call your very own.

Posted by: Lunchbox at January 12, 2004 10:29 AM

Wow, these comments are just a hoot and a holler. With the raw insults and such, i mean it's great. Anyway, all i wanted to say is that you are hawt, and definitely tickle my funny bone! Mainly though, the internet is a dangerous place to search for a guy to satisfy your needs. WATCH OUT. No, seriously, it is! AH, past my bedtime, i've got to go. Here's lovin ya.

Posted by: Will at January 12, 2004 11:58 PM

I saw you online yesterday and as I debated to IM you or not, my hand started to sweat which ended up causing my mouse to short circuit. So that's my not-so-manly excuse for being a coward.

Posted by: Dartangen at January 14, 2004 06:43 AM

Had a nice conversation with Jessica today. She made me late to a client meeting, but who cares? In one word; approachable, in two; muy intelligente.

Posted by: Dartangen at January 14, 2004 10:42 AM

Jessica, my sweet, it seems that you've struck a nerve among the woody-weilding, reluctantly-celibate male populace. Your fans, admirers, and wanna-be boink-mates are are multiplying and waiting in awe with Vaseline in hand for another chance to hear you utter the magic c-word. Well, I'm here to assure you that I, among all the pretenders, am your ultimate soul-mate and that I could provide you with up to a week or so of primal, physical and emotional rapture and at least a few day's worth of fond memories. Problem is, I'm still in denial about being a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body and I don't know which end is up. Which of us would wear the strap-on? And which orifice are we to aim for? All that aside, I'm curious about your views on the most recent developments in the US/North Korean nuclear (as opposed to 'nook-yoo-ler') stand-off and what sort of concessions we should make in order to secure peace on the Far Eastern front? Also, what are your feelings about ketchup? Is it OK, and how should one spell it? I'm too embarrassed to ask those around me. (Incicentally, Steve, you are a freaking certified genius for starting this 'Jessica' thread.) All smiles frm south of the Mason-Dixon line........Oddball

Posted by: Oddball at January 15, 2004 09:12 PM

Sweet dancing Jesus...what the hell was that?
::shaking head::

Hmmm... So Ms. Jessica, how goes the hunt for the Joe who likes..... a bright pretty lass with a rounded vocabulary?


Posted by: Michael at January 16, 2004 08:29 AM

My vocabulary isn't all that's rounded Michael, I assure you. There is my ass and several other appendages that need accounting for.

The search, why thank you for asking, let's see...truth be told, I am not the world's greatest pen pal, but I am trying. The hunt for Mr. Jessica continues, reaching far and wide. I will tell you that the New England School marm in me is quite displeased that you fellas seem reluctant to take simple direction. In the interest of fairness, I had requested people send photos. You all know what I look like -- both curly-haired and straight (Sarah Jessica Parker eat your heart out)...you have even heard my dulcet tones reverberate over your varied and sundry media players (that's right, nerds, mama knows a little something about technology). While some of you have complied (check ++!), I would ask that going forward, you all be a bit more diligent about extending the same courtesy to me that has been extended to you.

Barring that, I look forward to your limericks..

Xs and Os,


P.S. Could someone PLEASE explain to me just what a lesbian trapped inside of a gay man's body looks like? I have tried repeatedly to visualize this, and all I can come up with is a cloud of perfume and hair gel tooth-and-nailing it out over can of tuna fish...that and a Turducken.

Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 16, 2004 07:01 PM

OK, OK, I'm to blame for the "...lesbian trapped inside..." comment. It was just lame attention-getting behavior and even I don't know what it means. Lessee...as I sit here and analyze my own intent, I'd say that it reflects a heart-felt desire to get you to acknowledge my admittedly marginal existence, combined with...uh...uh...something else. How's that?

Posted by: Oddball at January 17, 2004 05:29 PM

From one woman to another I wish to extend you a few retorts for many of your fapping followers:
1. "I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man." -Unknown-
2. "It is far better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open one's mouth and remove all doubt." -A.Lincoln-

That wit aside I would like to throw my cashmere hoodie into the ring as a pursuer. You appear to be an intellectual match as well as a positive physical distraction. Should the right woman come along would you consider the exploration of your potential inner lez? I assure you, I am all lipstick and far from the butch stereotype. If open to the possibility I will forward a picture and open the dialogue. Regardless, hugs.

Posted by: Abby at January 19, 2004 12:48 PM

Color me flattered! I think we caught a live one, fellas! Abby, what a compliment you pay me. And an even bigger one, since you are clearly a woman of taste. I fear the lesbian life is not for me, sadly, but if ever there were wooing words "cashmere hoodie" are surely they!

I am sure you are a delightful person - and an excellent lesbian -- but it would pretty much take Giselle Bundchen in a George Clooney suit to even get me sniffing in that direction. I'm simply not that cool. I would, however, like to see your photo, if you don't mind sending it. For real.

Thank you!!


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 19, 2004 11:59 PM

Send a recent pic to your email. I understand your apprehension, as I was once a meat eater too. Last year I acquired a taste for "the other, other white meat" and haven't been back to the hetero side since. A few drinks and my soft touch might change your mind but alas I am not into unrealistic conquests. I'll remain tortured with the unanswered question as to whether you could live up to the late night fantasies I've conjured up with you in the starring role. All my best on the penis quest. Thought I remember those days with some fondness, and may eventually rejoin you on the search for a suitable male, for now I'll remain your Temporary Lipstick Lesbian. Hugs, ~*Abby*~

Posted by: Abby at January 20, 2004 09:17 AM

::Mopping handkerchief across forehead::

This is SO the best site to browse!

Jessica, in the grand scheme of things…who knows, you just might like it. Hell, I just like the THOUGHT of it! And if you want to document the event, well I’ll be the first one to offer camera services…to capture all your “rounded” bits in an “artistic” medium.

Abby, if you do decide in the future that your XX chromosome sisters don’t fit all your needs, I’m sure that Steve might consider an interview and similar setup process for a former lipstick lesbian.

I’m telling you Jessica, you need to venture to the Midwest. The cold weather means more thought goes into creative warmth measures. Personally I’m thinking I’d cook you a nice dinner, then play a game of strip Scrabble!


Posted by: Michael at January 20, 2004 11:11 AM

Where's that photo, Miguel?

Send away!


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 20, 2004 01:16 PM

Damn! Why don't we have luscious women like you in Austin? Thus far, no sentient female life here in the great beer drinking state. I applaud your sailor's mouth and all that it stands for! I've always wanted a woman with voluntary Teurret's syndrome qualities. Could you grace us with a little more of your invective talents?

Posted by: HeHateTheCans! at January 21, 2004 08:38 AM

How to approach this matter....I will tread lightly, or as lightly as I know how. I hate to be, well a total cuntrag about this, but I am gonna have to do a little "outing." We already know that Abby is lesbianic, you say. She has pronounced her preference for sweet puss on these very message boards. This I have absolutely no problem with. In fact, I would like to thank her for mixing things up a bit, though heaven knows she's probably a software engineer or in "IT" like the rest of you.

No, no, dear fans of The Sneeze, a far more foul injustice is afoot, for I received Abby's photo. As the photo (inserted in email) began to download, a vision emerged -- a fuzzy darling that bore some likeness to Ms. Catherine Zeta-Jones -- "a perfect chocolate foil to my vanilla!" I gushed...but fuzzy is the key here, boys. I rubbed my eyes delicately, suspecting it was just a pesky hangover that was clouding my vision.... But, no. The photo was indeed blurry, which immediately shrouded the matter in suspicion. "WHO sends a blurry fucking photo?" I wondered outloud. "Seriously, who fucking does that?" The hours spent reading Encyclopedia Brown finally paid off, as I realized the matter warranted further investigation...I scrolled down..the photo appeared to be scanned -- red flag! -- most people using this new fangled Interweb are partial to the up-the-minute photos that the increasingly popular digital camera provides (if you have not heard of these little gizmos, they're GREAT, and quite affordable!), but not Abby. And then, there it was, like a dagger in my sexually curious little heart -- the date: '99:11:12 -- December 12, 19!

A BLURRY photo from '99?!

Abby, I am not suggesting that to this day you are not every bit as adorerable as you appear in your (blurry) photo -- because you were (are?) clearly quite a looker -- but come now. Are these really the rules of engagement? Am I to be forced to post photos of myself in tennis skirts from high school and the like? Is that what we're talking about, here? MY most recent photo was taken on a Saturday afternoon at Steve's house about a month ago -- I had essentially pickled myself in brine at the company Christmas party the night previous, but decided that puffiness and all, it was a fair likeness. "Let them know what they are getting" I said to Steve. "If they are interested in a gal with a healthier liver and a less-healthy sense of adventure, so be it!"

So, dear Abby, my dreams of a lesbo dalliance lie shattered in pieces for now. Why the aged photo? Why not something a tad more recent? Enquiring minds want to know -- I want to know!

Disappointed, but not destroyed,


P.S. I still think it was wicked nice of you to like offer to turn me lesbo, or whatever, and like you do look like super-pretty in your picture or whatever.

Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 21, 2004 09:00 PM

Ahhhh, I see other people have less to do at their jobs than me. Thank you for keeping me entertained through this agony known as office bordem. To Jessica- I hope you find your Mr. right and don't give up on "other" options. This site has even got me a bit curious and I am a fan of the dic-tionary, as I see you are as well. Good Luck!

Posted by: Nicole at January 22, 2004 07:05 AM

Lest you think me a hairy man locked away in the basement writing code 20 hours a day, I would be happy to speak with you and clear the air. The photo I sent was the only one at my disposal and in my rush to get you a snapshot; I picked one where I looked my best. True it is dated but I still look the same, on the outside. My liver on the other hand has endured a few more years' abuse.
Lets cut to the chase and for the enjoyment of many readers waiting on baited breath for some saucy dialogue.... I am 100% woman, hairless from neck down and I eat pussy like nobody's business. I'm happy to speak with you and send more recent photos. That said, what's the point? You're not interested in my advances and only the fappers would benefit from my photos and dialogue. I remain interested in your quest and will follow along in the hopes that you find a suitable penis. Sorry things didn't work out for us.

Posted by: Abby at January 22, 2004 08:31 AM

naked pics of Jessica for $25.00

Posted by: mark at January 22, 2004 08:58 AM


Are you saying you'll pay $25.00 for naked pics of jessica?

I would not sell mine for less than $30.


Posted by: Steven at January 22, 2004 09:13 AM

I, for one, am casting my vote for Jessica posting, “photos of myself in tennis skirts from high school!” Hell, I say Steve needs to compose an entire page dedicated to a Jessica retrospective for all you drooling miscreants and depraved souls who are lucky enough to not be banished half a continent away from her. C’mon Steve, you’ve just been teasing with saucy answering-machine recordings and the occasional photo. We want all the down and dirty! Pin her life on a web page like butterflies in a glass case. You’re ours now, Jessica, ours! DO YOU HEAR ME? Bwah, hah, hah, ha!

The internet can be a scary place, yes?

Oh, and one more vote to cast. Even though you had “pickled myself in brine” and shown yourself “puffiness and all,” you’re still gorgeous. I, like Steve, find myself bewildered that you aren’t tied up with a beau. Must be something askew with those Boston boys.

Posted by: Error94 at January 22, 2004 09:19 AM


I was just joshing with you, and want the record to reflect that I think you're an absolute genius. Blurry or no, you are a gem. Should a suitable penis not present itself in the next 5 years, I will most assuredly give you a call.


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 22, 2004 10:35 AM

Good stuff everyone.

Giving up the search after 5 years Jessica? tsk tsk....I'm dissappointed with you, but also by the fact that there has yet to be a hairy-knuckled john to knock you unconscious and tow you by your nappy blonde to his humble cave.

Posted by: Dartangen at January 22, 2004 11:11 AM

I even have her posing with nude with Ronald McDonald. Damn Sexy!

Posted by: mark at January 22, 2004 11:19 AM

Very perceptive, Dartangen, VERY perceptive.


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 22, 2004 12:15 PM

Deadlines are important Jessica. You’ve drawn a line in the sand, and now the clock is ticking.

The actual odds of someone that has your looks and wit being single for 5 years are slim. So I’m thinking that you’ll fall for a man that can have a meaningful conversation on the fundamental need for intelligence in a relationship one day… then spank you for being a naughty girl the next.

Perhaps you need to make a list of the things that you have to have in a man. As well as the things that are deal-breakers in a relationship for you. I’m actually kinda curious…


Posted by: Michael at January 22, 2004 12:45 PM

Great Idea Michael...should I just start listing my qualities or should we wait to hear that from Jessica?

HA! Couldn't resist. I'm really not that full of myself.

Please do tell NappyRag. What type of guy gets your gaze?

We all have inquiring minds on this board.

Posted by: Dartangen at January 22, 2004 02:32 PM


I enjoyed your photo -- if for nothing but the lush Irish cliffs? Let me ask you, why is it all you strapping fellows insist on hiding behind those goatees? An ode to Tom Arnold perhaps? You are quite funny Michael, I must say I enjoy your posts...list of desired attributed to follow...


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 22, 2004 05:15 PM

Hey Mark you may have a naked picture of Jessica next to Ronald McDonald, but I have a page from her diary and I will not be stingy and charge people to see it. So here it is.

Happy Birthday to me! I have great friends, family and my life is good. But there is something missing, a man. What I am asking for is not a lot. I have never wanted to know a man so bad in my life. And I’m not sure what makes me want to know him so badly. What is it about him? Is it the way he makes me laugh? The way he makes me cry? The way he makes me think about things that I never thought about before? Things that make my blood pound and my pulse race and things that keep me awake at night?


It is the way he makes me see myself. He whispers things in my ear that make me throw my head back, and laugh. And I can see how my neck is exposed. The arch of my neck inviting that soft kiss. That fleeting nibble. The strong tendon down the side just begging for that hungry bite…the bite that drags every ounce of restraint from me.

No man has ever made me see myself as a vixen. But he does. I’m not sure how he does it. It isn’t through compliments. It’s the way he looks at me. The way his eyes beg. Begging me to look at him and show my hunger. It is the hunger that makes me vulnerable. Wanting – that just makes me human. It is the hunger that speaks volumes. It suggests so much more.

The hunger says I need him. Not that I want someone, but that I need him.

And that scares me. I know I need him. I wouldn’t trade one second of needing him for anything in the world. But I have never needed a man. Even scarier, I have never wanted to need a man.

And this man makes me want to need him. A need so strong it makes me wet. I want to need him.

And I want him to need me. That burning need that makes him kiss me with nothing on his mind but the taste of my lips. I need that. I need to hear him groan at the touch of my tongue against his. I need to feel his hands tighten in my hair when my body melts into him and my hips push against his. I need to feel him pin my arms above my head as he lifts my skirt to see how wet I am. I need to hear him growl in appreciation when he feels how wet I really am. I need him to beg me to touch him. I need to hear that raw hunger in his voice telling me to touch him. I never wanted anything more. And when I touch him, I need to hear the sharp intake of his breath. I need to feel his muscles shaking, so tight with desire.

And I need that moment.

God I need that moment. That moment when his eyes turn black and he can’t get inside me fast enough. That moment when he tears away any piece of clothing in his way. That moment when he clutches my hips, as if I’m the only thing keeping him from spinning out of control. That moment when he spins out of control and fucks me so hard I can’t do anything but hold on. That moment he touches me so deep inside my back arches so sharply I fear I will break. That moment I explode so hard I can’t breathe. That moment when he holds onto me as if he were drowning.

This is all I am asking for so why am I still single? I sure hope Steven can help me find a man.

Posted by: S at January 23, 2004 05:52 AM

Wow...great post mystery person "s"chneider. However, I must admit that I didn't read all of it....I got all the way to:

Happy Birthday to me!

Could you please summarize for the lazy?

Posted by: Dartangen at January 23, 2004 06:12 AM

I hope to god that Jessica is not turned on in the least by that last post..Some people have way too much time on their hands... A little about me Jessica, I'm cute,love beer and hate gin, my favorite movie is Excalibur, I like dogs but hate cats and I have nice teeth. Do you really need to know more than that?

Posted by: Mark at January 23, 2004 06:45 AM

Regarding the “S” post. In this case I have to make the assumption that the “S” does not stand for succinct. Milton’s Paradise Lost seemed shorter!

I also need to bring up the fact that the word “need” was used 22 times. As opposed to the term “want”, which was used only 9 times. If you have been reading the posts, Jessica seems more of a want person than a need person (part of her assertive charm).

I think “S” may “need” a wetnap after his effort!

That being said, I believe “S” may have a future writing bad porn scripts. So good luck with that!


Posted by: Michael at January 23, 2004 07:42 AM

**I think “S” may “need” a wetnap after his effort!**


Posted by: Steve at January 23, 2004 10:15 AM

I don't know what to be more insulted by...the fact that I have been cast as one of those desperate "women" in a General Foods International Coffee commmercial (I've arrived!), or the suggestion that I could have penned such Harlequin drivel. A dilemma indeed! Generally, I reserve use of the word "know" for getting fucked in a manger or the like. I am actually offended at the notion that my "needs" (thank you Michael, by the way, for the word count) could possibly be so trite. If you were going to take a pass at my little Red Shoe Diary, could you not at least have included something about a man who "works with his hands" or a midget? Even a pizza delivery man would do! Now THAT would have been creative!

Hopefully I will be fucked in the mundane fashion you describe some day soon.



P.S. Mark, do you really hate cats and have great teeth??

Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 23, 2004 10:52 AM



Thank you, once again, for defending my honor, and in an ever-amusing way. You are a doll.

Oh, and I am pretty sure "S" stands for skeezy.


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 23, 2004 11:04 AM

When this all began with Steve posting the "Jessica answering machine message" I thought he was just having some fun with a friend as a practical joke. Now it appears as if this is headed into the realm of a Craigslist ad gone wrong. I have to admire you Jessica for your patience and candor with what appears to be a bunch of high school boys.

Now I am sure the one thing in Jessica's diary, should she keep one, is a simple rule:

To thine own self be true.


Posted by: Kevin at January 23, 2004 01:08 PM

Yes i really hate cats, they have an evil quality to them that I just don't trust. And not only do I have great teeth I have all my hair and in the places it should be. Also, in case your interested, I love cartoons (especially the Family Guy) and I truly believe everyone should have a sense of humour even if the joke is on them.

P.S. Horror movies rule!

Posted by: mark at January 23, 2004 01:10 PM

Funny you should say all those terrible things about cats Mark, because when I searched for Mark126 on Google, this image was very near the first few.


AHHH HA! Gotcha, kitten lover.

I say Mark is a phoney! And should be publicly hung by his pearly whites.

No further comments your honor.

Posted by: Dartangen at January 23, 2004 03:09 PM

"Humour" with a "u" Mark? Start talking...and let's hope this road doesn't lead to Canada!


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 23, 2004 04:07 PM

She's hot. I'd do her. ;)
Happy belated birthday, Jessica.

Posted by: Linda K at January 23, 2004 07:47 PM

Damn I bet she looks scary as hell without that makeup. Best of luck, try washing that hair.

Posted by: Sipe at January 26, 2004 06:23 AM

Sorry about my spelling..lets just say that I had "U" on my mind...and I'm damn funny.

Posted by: mark at January 26, 2004 07:23 AM


So, what U are saying is U are, in fact, American?


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 26, 2004 09:07 AM

If Jessica offered to meet all of her potential suitors in a Boston area bar, how many of you would take advantage of the opportunity, and how many would actually spend the money to fly in and publicly proclaim their desires.

Jessica, perhaps you could make a "Dating Game" like event out of it, with Steve as the host.


Posted by: Buzz at January 26, 2004 10:53 AM

Yes I am an American! I am also from a small planet in the Aurora system about 23Million light years away, but I do have dual citizenship. I would love to show you my passport sometime. I will show you mine if you show me yours.

Posted by: mark at January 26, 2004 12:23 PM

Mark - That last post was a little too "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again" sounding... but maybe that's just me.

Buzz - Great idea, but I see Jessica trying to maintain a valiant smile as she experiences an Average Joe-esque moment. ::grin:: Then again it would be worth the trip if only witness her verbal swivit!

Jessica - still waiting for the list of fight or flight points.

Steve – Thanks for making my workday SO productive! ::laughing::


Posted by: Michael at January 26, 2004 01:20 PM


Thank you for your offer, but I won't be making the same mistake Mindy made with Mork, if only cause I find the idea of suckling Jonathan Winters at my teat so very unappealing.

Michael, hilarious as always...yes..the list..I must draw that up presently...

And for Buzz and the rest of you, just a little FYI. I don't live in Boston, I a grew up in Boston, but nowhere near Southie.


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 26, 2004 01:56 PM


"suckling Jonathan Winters at my teat"??

I seriously damn near shot soda through my nose! (Just a note…apparently Diet Coke works as a decongestant!) The visual, while disturbing to the very core of my being... (twitch…twitch) was nonetheless funny as hell!

As to the question of facial hair… Mine is always well trimmed and it’s soft. I have never gotten complaints of “scratchiness”. And who knows Ms. J; you just might like a little properly applied tickle now and then!
::Puckish Grin::


Posted by: Michael at January 26, 2004 03:13 PM

My god... get a room Michael, for you and your tickle puck.

Posted by: Linda K at January 27, 2004 08:24 AM

Linda K –

Sorry, I'll be sure to keep future posts in a monosyllabic format. Such as your insightful “She's hot. I'd do her. ;)” statement.


Posted by: Michael at January 27, 2004 10:06 AM

I am not sure how I feel about all these males clamoring for your attention. This is a difficult situation, yes indeedy. How to find the one that isn't a scary freak? It is all too easy to seem normal on this interweb. Good luck!

Posted by: nicole at January 27, 2004 10:24 AM

This is all so very weird... Jessica, skip 'em all. Go meet a nice boy at church.

Posted by: max at January 27, 2004 10:30 AM

CHURCH? Eeeeeeeeeew!


Posted by: Jessica (Nappyrag) at January 27, 2004 11:17 AM

Hey fellas, since everyone in so interested in foul mouthed girls, I just found an audioblog that might suit your needs: http://itourista.blogspot.com/


Jessica, now that everyone else has left to check out the other woman, this leaves me alone with you. I'm crafty. Isn't it terrible the lack of attention span of these men have today? I on the other hand have fabulous amounts of patience, which I understand is a plus with the ladies. In addition...um, yeah, well I guess that's about it. Turns out I have precious little else to offer. Hmm, shocking when at my age I realize I'm shallow. Aha, I do have a rather grim photo of myself on my blog - trying to look artsy. Damn, I was hoping this would be much more clever, but, well, it isn't. Sorry. Best Wishes,

Posted by: Jon at January 27, 2004 12:23 PM

Jon! Don't sell yourself short! Get some confidence, chippy! Use a few exclamation points! It's fun!


Posted by: Ginny at January 27, 2004 12:47 PM

Ok, lemme try again:

Hi! My name is Jon and I'm super-special cool! I have many fabulous traits that might interest the refined tastes of Ms. Jessica! In addition to being devestatingly handsome (and patient) I am also the neatest person in the universe, with the possible exception of Jessica (and my new cheerleader Ginny)! I aspire to speak using the tone and inflection of an NPR commentator (with mixed success) because I feel it makes people more interested in what I'm saying! I've now learned the the dot with a slash over it above the 1 key is! See, that makes me a quick learner too! Ooo, and I was successfully able to maintain a friendship with a very dear friend of mine, even though we slept together! How cool is that!

Better? Yes/No?

Posted by: Jon at January 27, 2004 01:35 PM

Jon, Jon, Jon... Don't bring up past relationships before date #3. On second thought, don't ever bring them up.

Posted by: Paul at January 27, 2004 02:50 PM

Hahahaha....excellent point.

Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 27, 2004 03:27 PM

Yeah, I know, I know. I always forget that. Ah well, another opportunity squandered.

Posted by: Jon at January 27, 2004 03:49 PM

This is the greatest thing I've seen since browsing the net and coming across testicle theatre. Anyways, hope everything works out for ya Jess. At least you're not a math major sitting in these classes bored off your ass. Good Luck, and Godspeed.


Posted by: luke at January 27, 2004 05:26 PM

testicle theatre? lukey...you have some 'splainin to do.

Posted by: nicole at January 27, 2004 06:53 PM

Jon! I leave you for a FEW hours, and see what happens? Dude. WTF? How does this make ME look?


Posted by: Ginny at January 27, 2004 07:09 PM

Ginny, you should know by now, that I can't be trusted on my own. I...I...just type and all kinds of nonesense ... it just happens. See, now I'm all into ellipses an stuff. I'm outa control...

Posted by: Jon at January 27, 2004 08:36 PM

J ... Obiously from your comments, and your setting a deadline for yourself; you're getting frustrated and need a little sweaty, no-strings release. Much as I hate to do it, I will remove myself from the list of the permanent possibilities just for the sake of clearing your mind of ~ tension ~ so that you may resume your search without distraction.

.... the things that I'm willing to do, to help those in need. /sigh

Posted by: Joseph at January 28, 2004 06:25 AM

All I can say is that I read this entire thing without meaning to. Jessica, I'm a married (and mostly straight) woman, so I'm not writing to proposition you with another lesbian experience. I did want to say, however, that you seem like a lot of fun and I hope you find that guy you're looking for. This is one of the more pleasantly intelligent message boards I've read in a while. No "show us ur titz!", no "suk mi dick!"


Posted by: tique at January 28, 2004 07:15 AM

Speaking of Mork and Mindy who else thought that Mindy was hot? Not as hot as Maryanne but definitly hot! I sense a little prejudice on Jessica's part, do you have a problem with Aliens?

Posted by: mark at January 28, 2004 09:11 AM

I like you, do you like me?

Circle one

Yes No

Posted by: mcPpants at January 29, 2004 01:27 AM

Hey! McPpants! How did you get into my stash of elementary school notes?

Posted by: nicole at January 29, 2004 09:04 AM

Hey I do a lot of web browsing during my classes at school since I have a computer right in front of me. I'm sure that you've seen some pretty crazy sites of you own their Nicole. Oh and ixnay on the lukey business. Only my grandmas allowed to call me that.

Posted by: luke at January 29, 2004 02:40 PM

sorry luketastic, my mistake.
i have to say...i have seen some pretty weird sites...but NOT ONE sounds as interesting as testicle theater does. how are testicles even theatrical? i actual direct theater, and you can be sure that i would NEVER cast a testicle as sky masterson in guys and dolls. but i guess one good thing about theatrical testicles is you always have a backup if one doesn't show up to rehearsal...

Posted by: Nicole at January 29, 2004 05:14 PM

That is much better Nicole, thank you. You should really check it out sometime its the funniest thing, after this of course. The rendition of ghost is just sidesplitting. Anyways back to my class. Later room.

Posted by: luke at January 29, 2004 05:23 PM

Imagine my suprise when I stumbled onto this little nugget of wit and sarcasm tonight! Jesus, I thought *I* was funny! (Well, actually, I am, but that's beside the point).

I'm a gay man, Jessica, so I have no use for your more delicate parts, but I would gladly invite you to be my fruit fly and accompany me to family functions! Think about it...

Posted by: Shane at January 29, 2004 07:47 PM

I have to say, this is about the most interesting way I've ever seen for finding a man, you really MUST make sure we know if it works and I want to be the next one if it does. Good luck Jessica! Can't wait to see how it comes out!

Posted by: Cat at January 30, 2004 01:11 PM

I love watching other men cut each other down in an attempt to woo a woman. That and watching people try to sell themselves might be two of my favorite activities. I can't wait until the semi-finals, when civility is exhiled by the mighty cock, and jabs start getting really low, and the claims begin to border on absurd. It's a shame Chekhov wasn't alive to see the internet. This site is one big, digital, foamy, chuckle from the gut.

Posted by: Mtex at January 30, 2004 09:34 PM

Actually, this site is one big, digital, SNOTTY chuckle from the NOSE. (Your Welcome, Steve.)

Posted by: Bil at January 30, 2004 11:13 PM

Dear Jessica, I understand the danger in divulging your standards online. It's easy for a mortal woman to be deceived about personality on "Teh Intarweb." Especially with all these miscreants clamoring for your furry bits.

However, you are so clearly a goddess of the most wise and powerful sort. Earlier among this elite intellectual banter you so delicately alluded to a "suitable penis?" Perhaps m'lady can elucidate that which cannot be so easily faked (or substituted) with a webgeek's manual dexterity? Yes, much easier to measure the competition in one...stroke. You know? See where they fall short.

A very classy portrait of yourself holding a sign: "You must be at least this tall to ride this ride." That'll suffice. Then you can enjoy the weekend knowing you've just thinned the herd, castrated a few egos Fung-Shrew style, and brought yourself a step closer to living your dreams.

Posted by: Joe at January 31, 2004 09:57 AM

So far, naught more than nooblers makin' show and playin' the dozens.

"They...vindicate themselves in terms no less opprobrious than those by which they are attacked."


Here's hoping that J has the good sense to look elsewhere but the internet for the satisfactory mate.

Posted by: Fritz Düsseldorf at February 1, 2004 06:04 PM

Jessica (NCR) -

I dropped your NCR expression while on vacation in Mexico with some friends. The laughter that ensued made me want to share the experience with you. I told your story but it was not the same coming from me. Anyway, my wife has taken to it which I applaud as I view it as a turn on. Good luck in finding a man, if I were single I would really love to meet you! Thanks to Steve too, another hour I got paid surfing your site. When do we get another "No Steve Don't Eat It?"

Posted by: Monkdz at February 2, 2004 11:30 AM

How excellent!

Tell me, did you refer to yourself as a Nappy Cunt Rag (which would be awesome), or someone else in your posse?


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at February 2, 2004 11:44 AM

If I remember correctly (it was an all-inclusive resort so a lot of my memories are a bit fuzzy) someone was telling a story about something bad they had done and they used a phrase they thought was quite bad to describe theirself. Now, having heard your message twice, your voice saying "Nappy Cunt Rag" is burned in my brain (in a good way tho). I thought it was an appropriate time to enlighten my friend with your NCR - I like to call it phrase de la Jess. So I said "You mean you were a Nappy Cunt Rag?!" with a big 'ole smile. After a few seconds the full meaning set in and we all laughed for quite a while while I told the story. Then it came up again a few days later. And since we've been home my wife has dropped it twice. Usually prefixed with "Fuckin Shit" which is her saying.

So now, thanks to Steve, you have quite a cult following. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to share more? I thought I was the only one turned on by that shit. Then again I thought I was the only one from a distant planet. Just kidding - that was whack.

And holy shit Steve - that was fast. It is quite likely that you were writing No Steve! Vol 4 before I even posted, but I am choosing to believe that you did it just because I mentioned it.

Posted by: Monkdz at February 3, 2004 10:24 AM

I was going to say something about the righteous spanking you so richly deserve for that potty mouth, and how I'm just the man to deliver it, but I have pledged an oath of internet vixen fealty to Brook Pannell of cockeyed.com, and I shall not break my sacred vow. And to think, I had the power to make you Cranberry Queen 2004. None the less, you are quite the saucy temptress.

Fight the Power!

Posted by: Lloyd at February 3, 2004 12:59 PM

Yes I knowe Brooke is spelt with uh e on the ende.

Sorry Brooke Darling, please forgive me.

Posted by: Lloyde at February 3, 2004 01:03 PM

CRANBERRY QUEEN 2004?! Not so fast Lloyd....DO tell! Does the coronation invlove a ceremonial naked drag through a craggy bog?! I should (in all seriousness) be so lucky! I was a staunch supporter of the entire Ocen Spray family of beverages as a child (Cran-Raspberry, ultimately won the prize of my affections). DOES THIS QULAIFY ME?!


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at February 3, 2004 03:29 PM


Ahhh… Cran-Raspberry. I guess I have always been partial to things that are sweet and tart.
::grinning:: Gotta love a good tart!


Posted by: Michael at February 6, 2004 01:01 PM

spending a sunday hungover reading this makes me feel a little better. I think Jess should not pick a man for herself. Abby should have absolute power in this matter.

Posted by: steven at February 8, 2004 03:46 PM

Having connected with Jessica, I'm sure she understands that I am not the best candidate to assist on her quest. As previously stated, my tastes are probably more similar to yours than hers, since I'm only interested in the female form. That said, I would be willing to collaborate with "J" if the men are willing to step things up a notch. I think we need pictures of interested men holding up a heart with Jessica's name on it to ensure that you all are who you say you are. (Whata ya think Jess?) Perfect timing for Valentine's Day.

Posted by: Abby_Beagle at February 10, 2004 09:49 AM

A great idea, Abby, but I the "Steven" who posted that message was not Steve who runs The Sneeze. Nonetheless, I would LUV (let's not use the other word lightly..) to have the gents step up to the chopping block. Let's post those picks and make it a poll!


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at February 11, 2004 12:24 AM

Agreed. So here are the instructions:
Men should submit a picture of themselves holding a heart bearing Jessica's name. Points will be given for creativity so make it interesting. No rules on PG-13 vs. R rates photos. If you feel that putting your best foot forward means a shot of you and your 3-inch schmeckle, so be it. We will need to consult with "Steve" on photo postability. Lets see how many of you boys step up. Photos should be sent to both nappyrag@aol.com and abby_beagle@yahoo.com
Good luck to all.

Posted by: Abby at February 11, 2004 08:15 AM

Hey Jess, I just masturbated looking at your picture. Haha!

Posted by: Pecker at February 17, 2004 08:20 PM

I must admit, I am guilty of checking this thread about once a week to see if anyone has posted something amusing and/or interesting. Until now, I've said nothing, just observed. But, I couldn't help but notice a sharp decline in the number of actual "wooers" as of late. I attribute this to a) the fact that asking what is most certainly primarily a large number of pasty-faced geeks to willingly and knowingly post pictures of themselves in all their glorious geekdom for the rest of us to ridicule and at which to hurl dubious and creative insults is like asking us to go back to third grade and be harassed by the fat kid who was the school bully, forced to eat paste and shook down for milk money. Frankly, I understand the lack of takers. It's not what I would call an appealing proposition. And b) Abby might as well have said "Dance for me! Dance I say!" Lonely...perhaps. Puppets...no. At least I hope not. Regardless, I am happily engaged and do not wish to throw my name in the proverbial hat for consideration. I simply wanted to point out that this thread has run bare with the suggestion that men hiding behind keyboards and pale flourescent light turn the flashlight of love on themselves. It has sent them scattering like cockroaches. Alas, Jessica, it would appear you will find no prince amongst the frogs. At least not online. Best of luck! I was pulling for you.

Posted by: B at February 24, 2004 12:25 PM

I have to say, it pains me a bit. I am no great beauty, but I put my pictures up to be scrutinized, and practcally no one was willing ot meet me half way. Shallow I am not, but, but I don't think the truth hurts. I soldier on...


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at February 24, 2004 10:58 PM

On the contrary, you're extraordinary. I would happily provide a picture of myself but I don't think my fiance' would enjoy it the way I would. I understand the disappointment you must feel as no one has stepped up in the way I'd hoped to see. I suppose the voyeur in me hoped to peer in to the courting and subsequent relationship that night blossom as a direct result of Steve's entertaining and informative corner of the world (of which many of us obviously make a part of ours). In reading previous posts, it's obvious to even the casual reader that you are an attractive, intelligent woman with a great sense of humor. And you actually seem approachable. That's rare. So, to that end, I have no doubt that someone will sweep you off your feet soon. I can't imagine you being single for long, unless by choice. It's simply too bad that no one here rose to the challenge. If they do and you find yourself in a relationship with a faithful Sneeze reader, I hope you'll at least still consider posting at least a brief note or two letting us know you've found your prince, or at least someone who's good in bed. :-)

And if things don't work out, I leave you with this, a quote from Matt Groening: "Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun."

Best wishes...

Posted by: B at February 25, 2004 10:26 AM

Another Matt Groening:

"Love is like a snowmobile racing across the tundra, and then suddenly it flips over and pins you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."

Posted by: Audrey at February 25, 2004 06:14 PM

Well, that took a while to read didnt it? here I was thinking, oh, this will kill a few minutes of my otherwise uneventful existance. It was full of love, laughter, loss, heartache and humour(I can use the U as I am not american, or canadian for that matter)

You sound like a lovely woman Jessica, right down to your potty mouth, and use of the word "wickid" is wickid good too!!

Anyway, I do not shy away from showing my face, I am just too lazy to send pictures directly to you and abby, when it is far easier for me just to say look up GlennNZ on MSN profiles, or if you are interested but equally as lazy, send me an email, and I shall then respond with a some what recent image of yours truely.

Its only fair after all to make you do some of the work occasionally now, isnt it?

Good luck on the quest for Mr Right, and dont settle for Mr Right now;)

Posted by: Glenn at February 26, 2004 03:57 PM

Just wanted to say thank you for making my latest internet session a less "hands on" experience.
Jess, If my wife should accidentally get hit by a bus, would you like to be my date to the funeral?

Posted by: tim at February 27, 2004 09:52 PM


Do compliments come any higher than that?! YOU BET I WOULD! Push her off a curb, and let's get this party started!


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at February 28, 2004 08:09 PM


You open with a "meaningless existence" but go on to describe yourself as lazy...mmmmmmmm...delicious!

Send that photo!



Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at February 28, 2004 08:11 PM

Hi Jess,

I might be able to pencil you in my busy schedule.
Let me describe myself:
38 years old
1 child
Lousy, low paying job
Drive a 13 year old car
Live with my parents
Lousy teeth with food stuck in them a lot
Beer and tequila expert
Fantasy football freak

Don't get too excited, if I can summon myself off the bar stool at the local gin mill maybe, just maybe we could get together.


Oh by the way, I DO HAVE ALL MY HAIR.

Posted by: Tom at March 11, 2004 04:34 PM




“Nope...I'm afraid that this thread is gone...

::sniff:: And it was a DAMN fine one too!!”

::scene closes with Taps playing softly::



Posted by: Michael at March 12, 2004 01:52 PM

Damn.......she's recovering. Maybe I need a bigger bus, the little yellow one was so cute though

Posted by: tim at March 25, 2004 08:11 PM

You are awsome because you have your own message thread on a pretty retardedly funny website. I think it would be badass to morph all of the pictures you have recieved into potential babies, ala Conan O'Brian, then post them, allowing everyone to critique and give you a little helpful advice. For starters you can download a picture of Sandra Berhart for Abby's offspring.


Posted by: Patrick at March 28, 2004 09:12 PM

Ok, It is me again, I have been extra lazy in my meaningless existance, and although checking in on more than one occasion, have still not sent you the picture. I know I know. Not much of a potential suitor you think. but OOOO you might be wrong. OOOOOO dang it all, you might be right too! I am sending a picture to your email now! I am going to take it a step further than last time when I copied your email address to paste into an email for you. and actually not get distracted this time. Am I rambling? Yes. Yes I am.

anyhoo. dont be violently ill on any important documents viewing my immense beauty sweetie:)


Posted by: Glenn at April 2, 2004 05:34 AM
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