October 07, 2003

The Art of the Apology

A sincere, well-worded apology can heal many a wound -- including a forgotten birthday.

Last week my friend Jessica forgot mine. She felt terrible when she remembered and called to set things right.

Here is the darling apology she left on my voicemail. I consider it the ideal belated birthday present.

An Elegant Apology mp3
(Note: Jessica's language can be a tad "salty.")

Now here's the shocker guys: this classy little lady is single! I know it's hard to believe such a delicate flower has not been snapped up yet, but here's your chance. Not only does she kiss her mother with that mouth, but play your cards right and one day she may kiss yours. With her blessing to do this, you can email Jessica here. I'm not kidding.

Win her heart. I dare you! JESSICA dares you!

Click here for The Sneeze Home Page!
Posted by Steven | Archive

Man, that is sexy as hell!

Posted by: RwB at October 10, 2003 09:51 AM

She sounds like a Southie (meaning south of Boston). Am I right?

And no, she isn't exactly difficult to look at. Any chick who lets loose with The C Word on occasion is A-OK with me.

Posted by: Dave at October 10, 2003 09:57 AM

not only does she have the mouth a gay sailor but she can knock em back just as fast as a 250 pound drunken ape. i have to say the girl is funny but she forgot my birthday too.


Posted by: phil at October 10, 2003 01:45 PM

Why go out with her? I already came.

Posted by: Jim at October 10, 2003 01:46 PM

Ah, if only I were single again. The way she says "cuntrag" just makes my heart aflutter.

Posted by: robert berry at October 10, 2003 11:00 PM

What is this, a porn site and/or a dating service? Sheesh...



Posted by: therese at October 11, 2003 01:13 AM

Yikes! Sounds like my mom.

Posted by: Kevin at October 11, 2003 07:25 AM

Which port is she docking at?

Posted by: Erik at October 12, 2003 12:35 PM

Kevin- your mom says cuntrag?

Posted by: Diana at October 13, 2003 09:51 AM

ain't no way she's a shouthie girl

Posted by: Brennan at October 22, 2003 08:46 AM

laugh my ass of is all i can say... and yes she is hot

Posted by: Aaron at October 23, 2003 06:58 PM

So, did she get any dates out of it? Very cute

Posted by: Justin at November 3, 2003 09:53 AM

I'm not surprised that she is single if she's going to beat herself up like that over forgetting a birthday. Now, forgetting a funeral... well, then you should just give yourself a time-out.

Posted by: Me at November 10, 2003 03:27 PM


While I appreciate your concern for my self-image -- and my sex life -- you clearly you have no understanding of just how exceptional, dear Steven is. I would sooner tie myself to railroad tracks than forget to honor the day of his birth for the (third) year in a row.



Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at November 10, 2003 04:27 PM

Addedum: My previous post was directed at "Me"

Not Jason, whoever that may be.



Posted by: Jessica (nappyrag) at November 10, 2003 04:28 PM

I'm gonna have to say that the heart felt manner in which the final "Awwwww Fuc...." was delivered, well I'm not ashamed to say it brought a little tear to my eyes. ::grin::

As far as I'm concerned, Jessica is the best (not to mention hottest!) friend that Steve could ask for!

In fact... $hit..I'd damn well like her to be my $%*&ing friend too!

Best wishes to Jessica,


Posted by: Michael at November 10, 2003 07:47 PM


It sounds like you a great friend to Steve. We could all use a friend like you!


Posted by: Patrick at November 11, 2003 10:16 AM

I have dreamed of a girl that said those words. Cuntrag, Douchebag, and holy shit she is good looking to.

Lucky bastard

Posted by: fumbduck at November 11, 2003 01:46 PM

yeah, im cool.
i found this site thorugh http://www.rantsinyourpants.com/stupid_weekly.htm
oh yeah, i live in Australia too.

Posted by: pade at November 11, 2003 07:18 PM

Auugh. This is the fourth or fifth time in 24 hours that I've been to this page. I must be INSANE! Where can I meet a girl like this?? North Dakota is short on 20-something women and they don't say "cunt rag" or "douche bag" up here. Mostly they say, "fuck it's cold!"

Posted by: 2e at November 11, 2003 07:40 PM

Never mind Jessica. I wanna know who's the sexy mama who says "Saved message, Thursday October second at six thirty six p.m."

Now SHE sounds sexy as hell, in that "I'm a librarian but I wear a leather thong and like to drag you around the living room in a dog collar" sort of way.

Maybe I'm just projecting.

Posted by: flargh at November 12, 2003 08:55 AM

Ah, I need to get the hell out of grad-school! Jessica sounds like one of the highly educated who's choice of vernacular suites the moment exceptionally well. It's sad really, I don't meet women like Jessica very often so Steve when you say she's single I begin to cry and dream of those days beyond this academia thing.
Thanks for the laugh!


Posted by: Kevin at November 12, 2003 05:01 PM

That looks like the beginning of a fine and supple breast peaking out of the side of that low cut... (shudder) top.
Might I suggest that Jessica open (or at least be on) a nude site on the Internet and then post that URL here?

If not, might I beg?

Posted by: Dave U at November 13, 2003 08:34 AM

Supple, yes.

Available for viewing? Not necessarily.

Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at November 14, 2003 04:37 PM

"Not necessarily"? That leaves me with some hope and hardens my resolve, so to speak.
I don't mind saying that I'm a rather brilliant programmer as well as amateur photographer and that with a body like yours, an imagination like mine and some under-the-counter pharmaceuticals, we could go far.

Ok, if you're too shy for the Internet what if I give my real email address and promise to keep the pictures for myself? Still no? How about we start with dinner? My wife makes a sweet baked lentil casserole.

Did I mention that both of us are into yoga and are v-e-r-y flexible?

Posted by: Dave U at December 1, 2003 10:42 AM

"My wife makes a great lentil casserole" that is humor right there..uh oh gotta go, the wife says its time to log off for the night. Gotta go clear my history file and then, well, you know.


Posted by: Some dude at December 2, 2003 11:05 PM

Quite possibly the greatest voicemail of all time, even beats my mom's "I swore I was going to beat your ass on this day X number of years ago. Happy Birthday you little shit" by miles.

Posted by: Johnny Sunshine at December 5, 2003 04:18 AM


What a rapscallion are YOU?! Send me those pictures of you and the missus pretzel-style, and we'll take it from there....



Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at December 6, 2003 03:10 PM


You used rapscallion in a sentence! So not only are you pulchritudinous and unpretentious... but you've got a little freak in you too?? I believe I'm smitten! ::grin::

Ok now use the word libidinous!

I'm thinking a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thee! or A sub and a six pack... your call!


Posted by: Michael at December 8, 2003 11:23 AM

All I can say is, "Steven, please become my friend so I can miss your birthday, send you a vulgar apology, have it put up on the internet along with a picture of myself and have lots of people comment on how hot I am"......Please?

Posted by: Lizzy at December 9, 2003 09:11 PM

You know what they say -- the path to a woman-with-a-mouth-like-a-truck driver's heart is through her stomach....

When you suggest a libidinous romp, Michael, surely you mean betwixt me and the sub, no? And by sub, you don't mean "Subway" you mean a no frills, Boston-issue submarine sandwich washed down with a Sunday afternoon snuggle and the New England Patriots -- right?



P.S. Lizzy, only Steve's mother calls him "Steven" -- and occasionally "Stevie."

Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at December 11, 2003 12:24 AM

Jessica -

It's not necessarily the mouth or choice of words, but rather the confidence you so obviously exude that makes you so desirable to us guys who are sick of the same old meek little girls we made a mistake having for girlfriends.

Posted by: Chris at December 17, 2003 09:28 AM

Very funny, at least when your friends forget they apologize. lol

Posted by: Mikey at December 17, 2003 10:06 AM

May I post a few shots of you with that submarine on my website? Since you seem shy, we'll preserve your annonymity by referring to you as "RappyNag" ... What do you say?

Posted by: Mark at December 17, 2003 08:02 PM


What can I say, Boys...

To Chris: Where have you been all my life?? I'll tell you to fuck off then invite you into my bed of fine linens for a "South Park" marathon any day!

Mikey...I would gladly FTP you said compromising photos of ma'self and that dashing "sub," but I promised Stevie he could sell them to "The Star" once I'm good and famous...on second thought, I think I sniff a Rolling Stone cover.....



Posted by: NappyRag at December 17, 2003 09:24 PM


Sorry for mis-adressing,,,now I almost feel like I OWE you the pics...


Posted by: NappyRag (Jessica) at December 17, 2003 09:27 PM

Oh, just when I'd given up on American women I stumble across an enigmatic, vulgar-yet-sublime example like sweet Jessica. Life is just too short and this space-time continuum has too many limitations...maybe in an alternate, Zen-dominated universe I could...never mind. Just let me dream...

Posted by: Audie at January 6, 2004 09:25 PM

Ok, so I may not know all the fancy fifty dollar words being thrown around here, but I also won't pretend that I do. The only uncommon word I like to use is "akimbo"...and I can't find a witty place to use it.

I once went to Waffle House by myself and had an informative exchange with a random trucker about life, destiny, and the consistency of perfect grits.

Jess, you're beautiful, but your mouth doesn't come close to sounding like my Waffle House trucker.

/doesn't like grits

Posted by: Dartangen at January 7, 2004 09:26 AM

Jess, I can't wait to see your Pats meet my Eagles in the Bowl! Good Luck; I'll 'cheers' a beer to your boys this Sunday.

PS: ThumbWrestle for myself hosting a JessSuperBowlParty if said teams progress?

Posted by: DereckC at January 15, 2004 06:11 PM


The Pats will fuck shit up tomorrow. It's a bad day to be a Hoosier.


Posted by: Jessica (Nappyrag) at January 18, 2004 02:41 AM

Ahhhh...Wooohoooo! Go. Cardiac Cats. ...oh and hey Jessica.

Posted by: Dartangen at January 19, 2004 09:45 AM

Heh - "The Pats will fuck shit up tomorrow". Almost.

I wish I could pretend that having the Pats in the Superbowl made up for not having the Sox in the series, but I just cannot tell a lie. Actually, I can, and pretty well, too. But I don't feel like pretending I care about the Pats one tenth of how much I care about the Sox. Pity me.

Posted by: Dogzilla at January 19, 2004 03:17 PM

How could you not bask in the glory that was Foxboro yesterday? The snow all through the first half, the unearthly might of Ty Law, the vision that is Tom Brady (well, sort of). It was a great day for all Massachusetts-kind. I must admit, I have never been that into the sox, or baseball. I wouls love them to win a series, but more as a show of Boston pride than anything else. I far prefer the military violence and drama of the football gridiron to the doddering pace of baseball. Though, truth be told, I like anything that gives me an excuse to drink during the day..

Bottoms up!


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 19, 2004 11:45 PM

She said douchebag. Jessica is awesome.

Posted by: Crystal at February 26, 2004 12:16 AM
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