Late the other night I was flicking around the cable dial looking for a good documentary or foreign film, so of course I went straight to Cinemax. But wouldn't you know it, they were right in the middle of a lesbian sex scene. Darn the luck!

Normally this would be swell news, but I couldn't help noticing that the two girls in the scene looked like they really didn't want to be there. Everything they were doing was tentative and forced.

They seemed kind of sad, like they were almost about to cry, and it gave a degrading air to the entire thing that made me feel gross. It just seemed so wrong. Wrong because I pay good money for Cinemax! C'mon girls, who wants to see half-assed lesbians?

Dont get me wrong, I watched the rest of the movie, but what has happened to the work ethic in this country? What happened to taking pride in your craft? (Cue patriotic music...) Whether you're about to do some girl on camera, or you're about to weld a backseat into a Ford Taurus, or you're trying to find the gene that causes male pattern baldness (by the way, step up the pace on that one) you owe it to your country and yourself to give it 110%

So to all of you reading this who are just now about to do a cheap lesbian sex scene to pay your rent: You march right in there and you lick that girl like you mean it, or at the very least pretend to. If that's not your cup of tea, then how about a good ol' fashioned nipplefight?

Okay, I don't even know what that is, but I'm pretty sure I'd love it. Nipplefight. It sounds really cool. If you get the chance to throw it around in casual conversation, or during your next meeting at work, I'd appreciate it. Maybe something like "If we get audited this year, the gals in accounting are in for a real nipplefight." I'd really like to see it catch on, so at least something good can come from all of this. USA #1!