March 29, 2009

The Mystery of the Face on the Buttocks

I enjoy fine art. So I didn't mind the other night when I was helping Raisins get into his pajamas and I noticed a face drawn on his ass in magic marker.

I wasn't sure who did it, but I assumed it was his older brother, Lux. (I would include a picture of the masterpiece, but I feel like that could get me arrested, so as you'll see, I have included a police sketch.)

I have no doubt in this situation I was supposed to be serious and talk to him about how his body is private and how you're not supposed to do this kind of thing, but all I could really do was laugh in his face.

Over the past few days, neither Raisins (age 5) nor Lux (age 9) would give me a straight answer as to who the ass-graffiti artist was, so I interrogated them both individually, beginning with Lux...

* * * * * * *

Do you like to draw?


Are you a good artist?


And what do you like to draw with?

Pencils, markers, paint brushes, crayons...

Markers, interesting. Recently there was a drawing on your brother's behind.

I didn't draw it.

Who drew it?

He did!

What's it a drawing of?

A face.

What color is the face?


What was it drawn with?

A marker.

Interesting! Did you see him draw it?


Is this the face you're talking about?

Hahaha. Yes. Did you draw that?

I'll ask the questions. And whose idea was it to draw the face on your brother's behind?


Do you happen to have any drawings on your own body?


Oh, really?! And what would that be?

I call him "Mr. Tummy."

INTERESTING. And who drew Mr. Tummy?

I did.

So, lately you've been drawing on yourself and there's a face on your brother's butt, but you had nothing to do with it?

I swear one million percent, I don't remember drawing on my little brother's behind.

And who do you think did it?


What did you think of the drawing?

I thought it was funny.


Because it was on his butt! And usually butts don't have faces.

Where do you think he got the idea?

I gave him the idea.

You told him to do it?

I said "Why don't you draw on your butt?" He said, "No." And then he drew on it.

Did you help him?

No. His arms are long enough to reach his butt.

But how did he see what he was doing?

I don't know. He probably looked in a mirror.

Do you think you would draw on your own butt?

I've already got a person living on my belly. So, I don't need a person on my butt.

I have no further questions.

(I call Raisins in.)

I just want to ask you a few questions.


Because I like talking to you.


Is there a drawing on your butt?

Lux did it.

How did he draw it?

He just drew it.

What did he draw?

A face on my butt.

And what does it look like?

(Raisins turns around and starts pulling down his pants. I stop him.)

Okay, okay. And whose idea was it to draw the face on your butt?


What did he say when he came up with the idea?

He said let me draw on your butt.

And what did you say?

I don't know.

What did you say?


Then how did it get on there?

Uh... it was just a random thing when I was sleeping.

You think he did it while you were sleeping?


Here's the interesting part. He says that you did it.

I didn't.

Tell me the truth. Did you draw the face on your own behind?

No. Lux did it.

Okay. I'm bringing him back in here.

( I call Lux back in.)

Raisins says YOU drew the face on his butt.

But I didn't!

One of you isn't telling the truth. Who drew the face? For real.

Lux: Not me.

Raisins: Not me.

Lux: It was him!

Raisins: No it wasn't! It was my brother!

No one is in trouble. I just want to know who did it.

Raisins: We both did it.

Lux, is that true?


How did you see what you were doing?

Raisins: I looked in the mirror.


Which mirror?

Raisins: The one in the hallway.

Lux: HA! HA! I told you!

Raisins, show me.

(Raisins runs down the hall, bends over in front of the mirror and demonstrates how he drew the face.)

Do you have anything else you'd like to say before we close this case?

Raisins: In my world, you are the King of Butts.

Thank you. I'm also the King of Time-outs. So watch it.

The Mystery of the Face on the Buttocks is a mystery no more.

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Posted by Steven | Archive