I met my buddy, Kirker, about 7 years ago and pretty early on I learned he was from Kentucky. My initial response was something charming like, "What actually happens there? That's like one of those states that doesn't really have anything going on, right?"

Kirker immediately defended Kentucky touting bourbon-making, the Kentucky derby, etc.

I said, "Fine. We'll go to the Kentucky tourism website. If there's a picture of hot air balloons within ONE CLICK, you're giving me a hand-job." (This, of course, based on my scientific theory that when a state has nothing going on it shows pictures of hot air balloons. Coupled with my theory that it's funny to bet hand-jobs with people you just met.)

Not only was I right, I didn't even have to click. There were hot air balloons right on the homepage. Thanks, Kentucky! If I could, I'd buy you all a new banjo. (And Kirker, you still owe me that hand-job.)

What's nice about this theory is that as states update their tourism websites, they can fall in and out of suckfullness. So while Kentucky isn't one click away from hot air balloons right now, here are a few states that are currently shitty:

And wipe that smirk off your face, Michigan. Your fireworks impress no one.

(Following The Sneeze on Twitter enhances breast and penis size!)