December 2009 Archives

Don't Drink and Pie

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On Christmas Eve my father attempted to slice a pumpkin pie. Somewhere during the act, he briefly lost his mind.

My friends Dan and Lisa were visiting and Dan documented what occurred with the following post on Twitter:


Now, in my dad's defense, while he did have a cocktail or two, the holidays can be stressful time of year. There are several factors that could lead to such a Christmas tragedy, as illustrated by this handy pumpkin pie chart...

In addition, he's also the man who's famous for doing this on my cakes while SOBER.

(More on his outstanding cakes and one of the best Sneeze features of all time, right here.)

(Raisins for Christmas 2009 - coming soon.)

Eddie the Fish

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"OH MY GOD!!! I TOUCHED HIM!!! HE'S SO SLIMY!!!!! IT WAS HORRIFYYYYING!!!"

While eerily similar to the call my wife made to her mother on our honeymoon, this was actually the scream I heard from my son the other night.

But let's rewind a bit.

We got a fish. Eddie the Fish. Specifically, Eddie the Blue Betta Fish.

My 9-year-old, Lux, had spent a good few months relentlessly busting our balls for a pet. My wife and I talked it over and felt he was responsible enough. More importantly we're up for anything that might make him stop talking for 3 minutes.

We all piled into the mini-van and headed off to Petco. Their slogan is "Petco. Where the pets go." Most people don't know that's actually a shortened version of their original slogan: "Petco. Where the pets go. All over each other. In tiny, smelly cages."

And this is where we found Eddie struggling to survive in a container 4 sizes too small for him - (not unlike my feet in these heels, but that's another story).

Now let's flash-forward back to the screaming.

Lux has been taking good care of Eddie for a couple of weeks, until -- "OH MY GOD!!! I TOUCHED HIM!!! HE'S SO SLIMY!!!!! IT WAS HORRIFYYYYING!!! OHHHH MYYY GOD!!!!!!" He came running in to us, having a complete little kid, tears shooting of his head, nuclear meltdown.

"What happened?!!!"

"I put my finger in the hole on the top of the tank where we feed him, and I touched him -- OOOH MYYYY GOD!!!!! HE BIT ME!!! AND I TOUCHED HIM!!! OHHHH GOD!!!!"

"He didn't bite you."

"YES, HE DID!!!!!!"

"Are you bleeding?"

"WELL -- NO... OH GOD!!!! WASH MY FINGER!!!!! WASH IT!!!!"

"Calm down, you're fine. Maybe he was just trying to give you a kiss?"

"NOOOO!!! HE HATES ME!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN!!!!"

At this point I walked Lux reluctantly back to Eddie's little tank and said, "Would it make you feel better if you see me put MY finger in there?"

"Yeah."

I poked my finger down the hole into the water. "See, he's not doing anyth--" CHOMP. Holy crap! The little blue bastard bit me!

I immediately pulled my finger out and that's when EDDIE CAME UP AND OUT OF THE HOLE -- ATTACHED TO THE END OF MY FINGER. He flew off and landed on top of the tank with a small wet thud.

After a brief moment of stunned silence...

"OOHHHH MY GOD!!!!! EDDIE'S DEAD!!!!!! DAD KILLED EDDIE!!!!!"

"HE'S NOT DEAD!" I yelled, as my wife quickly whisked Lux out of the room and I carefully dumped the little finger-biter back in the water.

A few minutes later I went in to console Lux and found him lying sadly on his bed. "You okay?" I asked.

"No. His fish blood is mixing with my human blood. I can't breathe."

"Stop it. How's your finger?"

"It tingles."

"He probably just thought you were a big pellet of food."

"No, he hates me. I never want to see him again."

"So can I get rid of him?"

"No, I love him."

"Okay. Then why don't you go and feed him a little so you two can be friends again."

Which is exactly what he did. And I'm pleased to report Lux and Eddie have worked out their differences and are buds once again.

Also, as an added bonus, I placed a special microphone in the tank and managed to capture actual audio of what Eddie sounds like when he's looking at us.

Merry Christmas, everybody! I gotta go eat fishsticks in front of Eddie.


Doodlemonkey Xmas Tree Brain

My buddy, Don, recently created this great little Christmas-themed Tree Brain comic strip over on his site Doodlemonkey.

Click here to check it out full-size.

Some of you may also remember this awesome digital postcard Don made a few Christmases ago...

Thanks, Don!

The Horns of Christmas Morn

By request for my friend Kevin at Forgotten NY, here is a special Christmas post from a few years back...

My four-year-old didn't ask for much this Christmas. His main request was a little scooter "with a horn so people will know I'm coming." He even drew a picture of it in his letter to Santa.

The fat man came through with the scooter, and being the awesome Daddy, I helped out by going to Toys 'R Us to get the horn. It's pretty funny to see this big ol' bike horn mounted on this little scooter.

scooter

It seems so obvious now, but the boy totally set me up. How could I not realize the horrendous combination of "7:30 Christmas morning" and "Bike horn?"

Under the guise of cute, my son had hatched his plan for the loudest Christmas ever and succeeded. He even used me as a pawn to make it happen.

I have created a special sound bite just for you. This is not a re-enactment. This is actual audio of my horn-filled Christmas morning pulled from our video camera. (To truly enjoy the experience as I did, I suggest you turn up your speakers as loud as they can possibly go. And play it over and over.)


(or download an mp3)

Note how the official little brother babbles something in between the honking. He's speaking in Baby, but it loosely translates to "Ha ha!!! You wanted us and now you will pay! This is what you get for having sex with Mommy!!!"

The boy has a point. In the future I'm going to attach the horn to my weiner to warn my wife when I'm coming.

Let me be a cautionary tale, guys. Don't get your kids noisy presents. Get them something quiet like pillows or raisins.

(But for what it's worth, they still ride that scooter all the time.)

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This page is an archive of entries from December 2009 listed from newest to oldest.

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