October 2009 Archives

Raisins (now somehow 6) learned about opposites in kindergarten this week. Well, he didn't so much learn them as get the basic idea then develop his own system.

When I arrived home from work, he grilled me with the following list and kept score on his Magnadoodle (that's like a Jumbotron for those who still pull their pants down to their ankles when they make pee-pee.)

Now you can enjoy the home version of The Opposite Game. Simply highlight with your cursor to reveal the answer. Be warned: they get trickier as you go.

Award yourself 1 point for each correct answer. If you get all 9 points, congratulations and please take your meds.

(HIGHLIGHT ANSWERS TO REVEAL)

The opposite of UP is:
Answer: -->DOWN

The opposite of HAPPY is:
Answer: -->SAD

The opposite of BIG is:
Answer: -->SMALL

The opposite of SUN is:
Answer: -->MOON

The opposite of BALLOON is:
Answer: -->POP

The opposite of CHICKEN is:
Answer: -->EAT

The opposite of DOOR is:
Answer: -->CLOSED

The opposite of CHICKEN SOUP is:
Answer: -->TURKEY SOUP

The opposite of WALL is:
Answer: -->THE OTHER WALL

If you'd like to post your own pairs of opposites, the COMMENT BOARD IS OPEN. I will gladly run a bunch of them past Raisins and let you know what the actual correct answers are.

Some of you may remember when my friend, Terry Border, created this awesome bent wire sculpture for me a few years back. Not surprisingly, it's called "The Sneeze."

I'm happy to report that Terry has completed his first book, "Bent Objects" and it's now available. It's a fantastic collection of ordinary objects brought to life in funny and weird vignettes.

Is "The Sneeze" sculpture in the book? Well, no. But the book is still terrific. And you should still definitely check it out right here on Amazon. Lucky for Terry, I'm not the type of guy to dwell on this kind of thing. I prefer the high road. To be the bigger man.

And for only $12 on Amazon, the book will make a perfect little gift for the holidays. When we have our friends in our hearts. (Something, apparently, Terry's not the best at. But that's cool. He's extremely talented. I'm sure it was just an oversight.)

I'm just kidding, of course. Congratulations, Terry! I'm truly thrilled for you.

Also, please be sure to check out Terry's excellent blog, "Bent Objects," right here. (I mean, I wouldn't, but you should. Well "should" is a strong word. You *could* - if you really wanted to. I guess.)

In the previous post, Kelly's use of a semicolon was deemed incorrect by several of you. Rachael weighs in with this thought:

Dear The Sneeze,

While Kelly's use of the semi-colon is technically incorrect in both British and American, the Brits do insist on using semi-colons in this manner. It will therefore become acceptable usage in our lifetimes. Kelly, it would seem, is both Fancy and ahead of her time.

Sincerely,
Rachael

I don't know what to make of any of this, but feel free to drop a comment if you can provide enlightenment. (I'm not sure how well the comment sections are working these days since I upgraded my software, so this may not go that well.)

Honestly, I don't care that much about semicolons, I was just curious to see if the comments were working. If you don't want to talk about semicolons, we can just talk about your day, or what you had for breakfast, or if your nose had to be a fruit, what fruit would you choose?

The comment board is open.

Kelly writes:

Steve,

I just finished reading "The Mystery of the Face on the Cake" which had me at the edge of my seat and also had me thankful I read it when you had all three parts finished. It would have killed me to try and see how that shape was a face all on my own!

On the one nautical themed cake; I believe that maybe your father drew the face while subconsciously drawing Mr. Krabs from Spongebob

Check out the picture i attached
Kelly

Kelly,
The weird part is my dad has been drawing this face for 60 years and Mr. Krabs has only been around for 10. I do still think you've stumbled onto something very important here. My new lawsuit against Nickelodeon. Thanks!

P.S. I enjoyed your use of the semi-colon. You don't see that often, therefore I declare you FANCY! (I believe the usage may be incorrect, but you are, nevertheless, FANCY!)

-Steve

Ever since the Mythbusters tested the 5-Second Rule (if it's okay to eat something that fell on the floor if you get it within 5 seconds), I decided my buddy and Mythbuster extraordinaire, Adam Savage, would be my go to guy whenever I needed a ruling.

So occasionally I will text him with something stupid like "I just dropped a bagel, cream-cheese side up. 5 second rule?"

I'm only writing about this because something just reminded me of my favorite exchange from last Christmas Eve:

Me: "I need a 5 Second ruling: fresh mozzarella!"
Adam: "You eat that shit right now."

And you know I ate it. I had no choice, a ruling's a ruling. It's okay, I trust him.

Although, now that I think about it, he's actually never told me to NOT eat something off the floor...

Goddammit.

I received a text from my wife that said, "Someone took the tree brains. He's cutting them off as we speak!"

My only logical response was, "Take pix!!!!"

She wrote back: "I had already taken pics BEFORE I texted you, silly. Check your email."

Seriously, is anyone really in the mood for her sass at a time like this?

Here are the pix she took.

Look at him! Brazenly walking around in his relaxed jeans, holding my brains right out there in plain sight!!

This is precisely why we can't have nice things.

I was obviously tempted to send my wife out there to stop him, but I was afraid something might happen to her. (And then I'd be way more responsible for the kids.)

More news as it develops.

If you don't know what the Tree Brain is, you're coming so late to this I'm not even sure where to begin. (Try here.)

I thought it was odd that as late as last week the Tree Brains were a no-show, then all of a sudden -- BOOM -- there were 7.

Then music swelled and I ran to them in slow-motion across a meadow and twirled them around as we giggled. Then we fell onto each other in a loving embrace.

Then-- an awkward, tentative kiss.

Then shame. Deep deep shame. (According to the story I told my wife.)

It was my birthday on Tuesday. With my folks in town, I insisted that my father, Raisins and Lux decorate the cake and do whatever they wanted. It was everything I could hope for...

- Raisins drew the Robot.

- My dad made the infamous "face" (which if you don't know about - is responsible for one of my all-time favorite Sneeze posts. Read the epic 3-part story right here.)

- Lux drew attempted a smiley face gone awry and then moved on to a pile of icing which he declared was a Tree Brain.

- Raisins actually wrote the DAD (with nominal help from my wife).

A lot of you probably think this cake was professionally created, but I swear my family made it.

(Incidentally, if you have an old RSS subscription to The Sneeze feed -- it may no longer be working properly due to changes at Google. The official working RSS Feed is: http://feeds2.feedburner.com/thesneeze Be sure to update it so you can see with confidence just how incredibly long I go without updates.)