March 3, 2008
polls - Take Our Poll
Thanks to all who participated in naming our new toilet.
I'm open to suggestions on realistic ways to display the name. (The comment board is now closed)
Click here for The Sneeze Home Page!
Posted by Steven |
No way! Dream Catcher for the win every time. It's just right on every level.
Ah well. The majority have spake.
That's one hell of a creepy picture there Steve. Why does he have a child body? WHY?!
Nice graphic, will there be t-shirts?
Please tell us that's not your son ('s body) on the crapper.
Now for the toilet seat.... What shall we call it?
As the original submitter of "The Dream Catcher" I can only say thank you to my 2360 supporters. Let it be known that The Dream Catcher is not dead. He will indeed live on, as I have given my personal toilet that name. Also, a new colloquial phrase has been born. When one retreats to the lavatory the phrase "Excuse me, I have a date with The Dream Catcher." is spoken. Upon returning, one will state if it was indeed a "Dream" or a "Nightmare." I will see if I can get some pictures up for everyone to see my Dream of a toilet.
As the original submitter of "The Crespo", let me thank my *insert number here* supporters. But fear not, faithful public, The Crespo lives on in the hearts and minds of all Argentine and Milanese lavatory enthusiasts.
Congrats on the new toilet and its name (I voted for Shatner but preferred the ineligible "iPood"). Still, though, you should have bought this: http://www.airpoo.com/
What a crock of Shatner.
This opens up a realm of possibilities for new Priceline dot com advertisements.
This will lead to endless "Come Check Out The Captain's Log" jokes once the kids get a little older.
I too had voted for the Shatner...but then realized the error of my ways when I thought of the implications. A fat and greying toilet that tries to relentlessly sell me discount airfare.
Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase:
Just want to add how utterly amused I was by Honorable Mention: There Will Be Blood.
Just makes me giggle....
The second I saw the voting post, I thought that 'Rock the Toilet (Vote!)' should have been a choice.
The Shatner... Come on! That isn't even clever! The Dream Catcher should have been the name. Or Ashton Kutcher!!
We helped the man name his toilet. Let's not have any post-election sour grapes, now. Golly this website is fun!
Captain's Log . . . ahahahahaha! Muy cleveroso.
That makes "The Shatner" worthwhile.
I need to make a "Don't blame me, I voted for Dream Catcher" sticker for my toilet.
Although I voted for Dream Catcher, The Shatner feels right.
I really liked The Event Horizon also, but that name is probably more appropriate for a state-of-the-art stainless steel toilet at a science centre. When you sit down it projects stars on the toilet stall walls and tells the story of the origins of the universe, featuring the voice of Morgan Freeman.
Steve - Yet another high for your site! You never fail to reach expectations and, dare I say, surpass them!
A Shatner Voter
I totally voted for The Shatner....Captain's Log indeed. LOL! XD
Ooh! Can I have that picture? I love it--it's the perfect amount of snark and creepiness.
you make life worth living with all your supreme funny.
Kohler.... To boldly go.....
BTW, is it widely known in the U.S. that Shatner is Kellogg's All Bran's official promoter of regularity in Canada (and I think the U.K. also)? The All Bran website used to have a printable door hanger with Bill Shatner's face on it and "Royalty on the Throne" written on it, but it doesn't seem to be there any more. There is, however, a regularity calendar you can download and print out so you can join the "movement". http://all-bran.ca/
I found the door hanger! On the All Bran website click on "Two Week Challenge" and click on "Day One". There's also a freaky Shatner mask to print and cut out on Day Eight.
Damn, I thought it was just the primaries. Didn't know it was for the Commode in Chief position.
That William Shatner All-Bran site..Good link, Maija!
They have bookmarks, too. I assume that's because I'm not the only one who has a small library in the bathroom?
"Periodical? Nope. REGULAR"
That's frickin' genius.
I would totally airbrush the tank with the name in Old English lettering.
Too bad you can't install a bumpin' stereo to a toilet!
I think a small brass nameplate on the tank should suffice.
I was a little bitter about the winner at first, since I didn't vote for the Shatner. But maija's web site has turned it all around for me. Thanks!
there was never a question of which would win this. nobody else even had a chance.
"I'm open to suggestions on realistic ways to display the name."
Carved in ham.
I have a suggestion to display THE BEST NAME FOR A TOILET EVER.
Frame it. It's pretty classy.
Oh dang... it's pretty small. Oh well. real email posted if anyone wants full size.
your should write it the way i like to write things on my toilet..... dark yellow urine that makes the bathroom smell like fritos!!!!
The Dream Catcher is the shit! DUH!
You could hang a conspicuous picture of William Shatner above the crapper.
Or Better yet, a pic of him in the captain's chair of the Enterprise.
At least I got to name my penis "There Will Be Blood". Way better than "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium".
hey steve, dont foget to put your sneeze logo on that awesome shatner image, or someone will steeeeal it!
I was fond of Charybdis, but after hearing "The Shatner", I knew it could be nothing else.
I suggest you have the name with Shatner's face etched on the inside of the bowl so you have something to aim at
I suggest a small trophy from a local trophy shop. With a little golden Shatner on it. And a little metal plaque on the base embossed with the title and today's date to commemorate the occasion. Said trophy must then reside on the tank (or in it, whichever fits) for the length of it's lifespan.
I think a framed pic of Shatner hanging over the toilet. With no other explanation. The cool people will know what it means.
I was torn between The Shatner and The Dream Catcher. In the end, I gave my vote to the latter. Poo.
However, lot's of fun to be had with The Shatner (and I'm talking about the name - although I'm sure some people have fun with their toilets, I prefer to not really think about those possibilities).
"Where many men have gone before..."
For me it was a close call between The Shatner and The Dream Catcher (and my mouse was hovering over Dream Catcher), but when I recalled that Shat is the past tense of a popular verb I just had to go with Shatner...
As for how to display it, I agree with Tracy:
"I think a small brass nameplate on the tank should suffice."
I'm especially pleased that The Shatner won with an outright majority. Under the circumstances a run-off could have been very messy.
ok... the name needs to be a graphic, stuck on the underside of the seat...
but the small brass name plate fastened to the tank would be lovely also.
I found the all bran Shatner door hangers! This is priceless. http://all-bran.ca/downloads/door-hangers.pdf
If you got this into a shirt.... I would love you more. How about
"I rode the Shatner!"
Hey everybody. I'd just like to thank all of you that voted for "The Shatner". I was delightfully surprised to see my suggestion win, but I still think that you ALL should have voted for "The Event Horizon". I feel it's a much more suiting title for a toilet. I know I'm not the only one too. I decided to do some field testing of the three names up for voting, and i got a much more positive response from "The Event Horizon" than the other two.
tl;dr "The Event Horizon" should have won, and I'm naming my toilet as such.
As to a suggestion on displays...Perhaps you could get a custom made starfleet emblem and use it as the flushing fixture? You could get one of your spiffy artist accomplices to then airbrush an appropriate image of the Shatner with an even more appropriate look on his face onto the toilet seat.
Why not have a William Shatner action figure hanging out on the toilet tank? No need for fancy signs...just a subtle tribute to the man who brought us Kirk and Kingdom of the Spiders.
Appropriate in many ways. For advertisement, I suggest a side sticker saying "The Only (Theoretical) Toilet Used by The Tree Brains".
Steve, I strongly suggest that you beware the Klingons near Uranus.
can you airbrush on porcelein?
Lol, to boldy go where no sh*t has gone before. I think the Shatner was mentioned in some show as a joke but can't remember which one though. I voted for Event Horizon as that is the name of the opening of a black hole and isn't that what a toilet is. Lol, I like The Shatner tho. Go Shat in your Shatner. LOL.
The picture made it worth it.
I'd so wear it on a t-shirt.
A classy picture of William Shatner from Boston Legal... a nice suit is full of class. It must be framed with a golden nameplate inscribed with fancy slanty script displaying it's name "The Shatner".
event horizon is great, but the shatner is just so good on a couple of levels. plus, we all like to see celebrity wind bags get theirs.
Get a picture of the Star Trek Enterprise and replace all the chairs with toilets. =D
kudos for the comments regarding "captain's log" and "Klingons" comments.
It would be awesome if this made a cameo on Boston Legal. Maybe in the same line of products, there could be "Denny's Strain"
Happy to see ol smeller made honourable mention.
I was a shatner voter, for the thought of
"captains log, star date 2008, theres something coming out... someTHING"
plus constipation could be accompanied by a shreik of "I canny do it captian, I don't have the power!"
as for naming it, a very tasteful little plaque on the from of the tank, then big will's face on the underside of the seat to freak people out.
Remember back in the day,insurance companies or the like had these little plastic hands that were attached to flexible bands of metal and suction cups? You were supposed to stick them in your car window, so as you bumped along the road it would wave back and forth at people. You should mount a head of Shatner on the tank of the Shatner so his head can wave back and forth at you and yours.
I recommend that you display the classic "Kirk the thinker sitting on captain's chair" with the tagline "To boldly go..."
Maybe this girl can turn it into a vinyl graphic for you...
Gotta have that pic of Shatner from the All-bran door-hangers big as life on the underside of the seat lid. So when you lift to do your thing, there's Bill, glaring at you. Enough to induce performance anxiety in anyone.
wow... a William Shatner joke... how original... ha ha...
how 52% of your readers could see those 3 options and not go with "The Dream Catcher" is beyond me.
a light brite would be funny -- or one of those scrolling led things that say 'THE SHATNER'
or you could always make an altar -- with candles and a rosary and a huge picture of his next to Jesus.
Just a simple plaque, bearing the name in all caps, "THE SHATNER". Simple. Classic. It will give your Shatner some class.
it should probably be in star trek font right on the side. the toilet's right side. or some kind of futuro font. i think that'd be good.
So the question is, how to display the name of the toilet in a realistic way.
I would suggest not to display it at all, but to mention it in normal conversation just like you would mention a person (it will turn into something you might be recognized by - like a tic...)
The advantage is: People stay interested in your life ;-)) and it adds some kind of misterious flair to conversations.
Displaying the name somewhere close to the toilet seems a bit... adolescent?
If you have to display it, well, how about on the right-hand front side on the seat, just big enough to read (like an artist's signature)?
I also would have preferred the "Dream catcher" :-/
That toilet needs warp nacells.
Mr. Sulu! Prepare to flush!
mike holmgren and/or Turd Ferguson got jobbed. the powerful shatner/dreamcatcher lobby pushed out the little guy.
steve do me a solid and pinch one in honor of the little guy without big-name funding.
You should get vinyl sticker letters made up in a Star Trek font and slap it on there. They aren't that expensive and you could even do a nice, subtle white on white.
How about with a neon sign above the bathroom door...
Upholding my personal tradition of being a day late and a dollar short, I submit the following toilet name to the hallowed halls of "If only I had..."
This contest means a lot to me. I was born on Jan 27th. The day Monsieur Crapper invented the Toilet.
Aw come on! First Ron Paul, and now Event Horizon? That name is so fucking epic! For shame voters, for shame.
It would look much better if he had a bacon wallet sticking out of his pocket.
Okay, here's how you display the name.
Get the folks at subversive cross stitch (the ones who made the lovely valentines designs for nataliedee.com)(http://www.subversivecrossstitch.com/index.html) to make you a cross stitch design of the Starship Enterprise coming out of warp, but instead of coming out of a flash of light, have it coming out of a star that looks like an anus. Under that, have "SHATNER" in the star trek font.
Hang this cross stitch over your toilet, sell lots of kits to make it to all of the other people who would like to call their toilet "the shatner", cut me in on the profits for the idea.
I say you put one of those communicator pins on the right side of the tank, opposite of the flush handle. That would say it all.
I think you should spell it out in Bacon on the toilet lid, just to pay respect to the Bacon Wallet. And maybe the Bacon will mask any odor emitting from The Shatner. Ahhhh, Bacon...
I am still sad that iPood wasn't an option in the voting. It's just so catchy. 'Hey, I gotta go upload some new 'tracks' to my ipood.'
did we count the votes from Florida? I think that missing votes in the state of Florida will account for the missing 2000 that the dream catcher needs. Perhaps people were confused at their choices by the honorable mentions?
I think people just voted Shatner because it contains the most shameless blunt humor, and requires no thought to understand. Go America.
Aside from putting "Shatner" in an elegant font on the front lip of the toilet bowl lid, I recommend declaring very loudly, "CAPTAINS LOG [insert date and time here]" every time you take a dookie. Maybe even add in some details of that particular poo. Get you son doing it. Definitely.
Ooh, James F. has a good idea with the cross stitch sign... I'd stitch "Shatner" in the center surrounded by matches and T.P. Or maybe flowers, for a more subtle touch...
Get the engineers working on how to get the toilet seat to make that awesome "swwwisssh" noise when it goes up or down
... that's a must have
Hell, if you go twice in one day, you can even have "Captain's log, supplemental".
As for display, understatement is much classier than overstatement, so... I'm more in the small brass plate camp than the "GIANT PIX OF FACE PLZ" camp.
Check out the "toilet graphics" in this Etsy shop. Amazing. If I were you I'd ask for a custom order for The Shatner (a decal of the name and/or image).
First, I was thinking decoupage it on the toilet seat but then someone mentioned cross-stitch...
Brilliant! BUT make it a toilet seat cover!!! It's interchangeable, it's removable (thinking about house resale here), and just downright hip!
iPood makes me chuckle every time.
To display the name: an embroidered table runner (er, in this case a toilet runner) to drape over the tank.
LvNjaS nrkagwihdgew, [url=http://hlidthejasru.com/]hlidthejasru[/url], [link=http://vgzbgwrxmuic.com/]vgzbgwrxmuic[/link], http://rbunjcityhzl.com/
Totally a brass(?) plaque inside the tank. Est. 2008. Though, I was going to suggest the name Clementine Mosel. Ah well. There goes the paisley theme idea.
I was torn between "The Event Horizon" and "The Shatner" but eventually picked the latter.
I figured that even Cletus the slack-jawed yokel would get "The Shatner", whereas my college educated wife's eyes glazed over when I tried to explain what an event horizon was...
This Shatner business is such a load! Event Horizon is clearly the better name. You made a huge mistake.
the shatner - to boldly go where many poo has gone before
the shatner - to boldly go where you haven't been for a while
painted on the bathroom door... i would so take a dump there!
When I first read "The Shatner" as one of the suggestions, I hated it. I thought it was too obvious or something.. but as time wore on, I realized that it was actually perfect. Not too long, easy to think of in a time of... panic, and it actually sounds like a name for something rather than a long title. So that's what I voted for and I'm also voting for a brass name plate to display it.
With all the fuss over naming the new toilet, surely it must be time for a new Steve Don't Eat It.... We need to make sure the Shatner has a proper christening.
I like the idea of the small, discrete engraved plate on the tank.
I also like the "Captain's Log" idea, so maybe a plaque for the TP roll dispenser?
And rather than declaring "Captain's Log", I suggest "FIRING PHOTON TORPEDOES, MR. SULU".
Jesus Christ stop having a life Steve and post something. Every day. For me. For Ambour. Just do it. You don't need to work or feed your children. You have us. C'mon. Could your children have ever sent you that horse porn you asked for? I didn't think so.
Buy a cheap MP3 player. Attach it to a small speaker. (I suggest the Sound Bug, which will allow you to turn the toilet itself into a speaker, but something Think Geek has a tiny pod speaker, and a pretty flower, that could work well, too. Load it up with Shatner songs. I just did a quick Google and discovered that William Shatner Sings Again includes "Trying," with Ben Folds, and "I Can't Get Behind That," with Henry Rollins - but really, you needn't be too picky. Every Shatner tune I've ever heard has been a craptastic treasure.
I can't believe that no one noticed the feature on day two of the canadian all bran challenge. Make a Shatner origami mascot. . . .
Surely that could be repurposed as a display for the newly named toilet.
Had I realized last week that William Shatner was Canada's spokesman for bowel regularity via All-Bran, I would have put aside Assfrica and my other favorites and pushed to end the debate, for the good of The Sneeze.
The divisive primary campaign only damaged us in the eyes of our bepickled opponents, and it nearly cost us the opportunity to know that somewhere out there, Steve and his family will be placing a series of amusingly appropriate Shatner hangers on their bathroom door every time they send a probe off into the great unknown.
Might I remind my esteemed colleagues who disagree with the choice of "The Shatner" and are still quibbling over whether "Event Horizon" or "Dream Catcher" would have been the better choice that the entire adventure around which we have gathered is by definition classic 4th grade humor and deserves an appropriately juvenile name. "Event Horizon" and "Dream Catcher" are too elevated to fulfill the requisite class of humor -- in this case, low.
As for the appropriate signage, I believe that picture answers it's own question. Print it and post it.
Rock on, fellow Shatners.
Damn, I wanted to enter the contest with "IN-N-OUT"
I am furious that you did not choose the name I submitted which was "Le Turd Vortex." You have outraged me in ways I can't understand. Therefore, I suggest you display the name that won the contest by carving it into your scrotum with a screwdriver, then hanging yourself by the neck from the cheap-ass light fixture in your dumb new bathroom, and as you dangle there swaying to and fro, you can say, "Hey, people -- I named my new toilet the Shatner because I'm not cool enough to recognize the brilliance of "Le Turd Vortex." How about that, Mr. Ass?
P.S. I love The Sneeze!!!
A small brass nameplate, on dead center on the tank right below the top.
I voted for "The Event Horizon," and I found it so clever and humourous that I assumed it would be the clear winner. Never did I expect a disappointing third place.
If I'd known, I would have perhaps voted for my second choice, "The Dream Catcher" in order to prevent a disappointing Shatner victory.
But what's done is done. It shall be known, however, that the selection of Steve's toilet's disappointingly stale and unfunny name was not of my doing.
I agree with putting up a small, framed picture of Will above the toilet. Those who get it will laugh and those who don't will ask. Then you can explain it to them and wait for the knee-slapping laughter!
Okay, I'm all for the Bedazzler'd Logo in the Star Trek (the Original Series) font. In piss yellow rhinestones.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuut . . .
Here's your official The Shatner shirt:
Don't know how to display the shatner but here is something else you could tack on.
The Captains Log.
I think the best way to display the name would be to cut out a large picture of William Shatner's face and hodge podge/ lacquer it to the tank of the toilet . Subtle, yet unquestionable.
You should make one of those "toilet paper cozies". The things that are made out of doll, but her dress holds an extra roll-except make it out of one of Shatner's action figures.
As the genius behind the name "Gambino & Sons' Lie-Detector and Water Boarding Device," I would like to say a big HEY, FUCK YOU, PIZANO! to everyone who voted for the totally pedestrian "Shatner." I'm gonna get my cousin Loose Nut Luigi to break all yer fuckin legs, believe you me. Fuggedaboutit.
As far as displaying the name...
I would take it as an exercise in the technique known as tapestry crochet, to not only crochet you a toilet paper "cozy" (complete with a crocheted pile of poo on top), but with the word "Shatner" spelled out in tapestry crochet. Or at the very least, a big "S". Envision it worked in ivory acrylic yarn, with feces brown for the "S" and pile of poo on top.
I think glittery puff paint on the tank should display the name. Write it as a 16 year old girl decorating tee shirts for the school football game. haha
I'd say, put a plaque on the bathroom door that says, "Shatner Residence;" you know, get your guests' hopes up. Then when they walk in, BAM! The formal portrait of The Shatner hanging on the wall above your lovely new crap bucket.
btw: that picture is creepily delightful. Putting his head on that poor kid's body is just plain odd. :)
Frankly.. that Shatner picture unnerves me on several levels.. or maybe just one.
I think the name should be displayed by having it printed on a static cling and stuck to the toilet.. if that would even work. I'm no toilet-name-displaying expert.
It's gotta be displayed on a Neon sign. A big old motherfucker hanging on the wall right above the toilet.
I suggest a nice plaque on the outside of your home (a la historical landmark) reading "Home of The Shatner"
I'll second Glen's idea above, for the ambiguous (to those not in the know) plaque. It could be as prominent or understated as Steve's wife will allow.
A much more elaborate followup nameplate could be installed on the underside of the toilet tank lid. This way, any stodgy, uncool, Ivy League snobs (I'm picturing Rich Uncle Pennybags and his wife) visiting Steve's house will never have to be offended with public acknowledgments of bodily functions, while everyone else can know Steve's toilet has an amusing, official, and irrevocable name, like any member of the family.
I think you should get one of those toilet seat covers and embroider "The Shatner" right on there in big, bold letters. Or have it done for you at a store that sells varsity jackets-- they've got the equipment. Plus it'd be hilarious to hear how they reacted to your request.
Much like young Elvis v. fat Elvis, I vote for an image of the YOUNG Shatner. My eyes!!! My eyes!!!
A small brass plate, with Olde English lettering, installed on the underside of the lid would be totally bitchin. And you'd smile each time you lift the lid.
I can hear it now:
Son: Why do I need to go potty right now? I don't need to go! Whine!
Steve: 'Cause you've GOT TO, mister!
I went to McGill University, the Shatner's alma mater, and while I was in undergrad, we voted to rename the student centre the "William Shatner University Centre.
As I remember the building, I don't think Steve is stretching the brand-name too far...
Actually, in terms of memorializing the new Shatner toilet, here's a pdf on the Shatner Centre that may offer some solutions:
The first line of the pamphlet may offer a certain classiness to Steve's other "Shatner Centre""
"As you may or may not know, the
University Centre (a.k.a. Shatner) is host to a
number of rooms that can be rented out for
events and get togethers."
I like the brass plate idea, on the underside of the lid...but with a modification:
You need a bobble-head Shatner - preferably dressed to command - and, upon lifting the lid, finely engraved on brass in elegant lettering, the words:
I'm a little disappointed that "There Will Be Blood", "iPood" and "Old Smeller" didn't make it on, but yay and congrats to Austin for "The Shatner"!
Honestly though, I voted for the Event Horizon. Nothing beats a joke involving some sort of hole.