December 19, 2008

The Horns of Christmas Morn

By request for Keith and my friend Kevin at Forgotten NY, here is a special Christmas post from a few years ago...

My four-year-old didn't ask for much this Christmas. His main request was a little scooter "with a horn so people will know I'm coming." He even drew a picture of it in his letter to Santa.

The fat man came through with the scooter, and being the awesome Daddy, I helped out by going to Toys 'R Us to get the horn. It's pretty funny to see this big ol' bike horn mounted on this little scooter.


It seems so obvious now, but the boy totally set me up. How could I not realize the horrendous combination of "7:30 Christmas morning" and "Bike horn?"

Under the guise of cute, my son had hatched his plan for the loudest Christmas ever and succeeded. He even used me as a pawn to make it happen.

I have created a special sound bite just for you. This is not a re-enactment. This is actual audio of my horn-filled Christmas morning pulled from our video camera. (To truly enjoy the experience as I did, I suggest you turn up your speakers as loud as they can possibly go. And play it over and over.)

(or download an mp3)

Note how the official little brother babbles something in between the honking. He's speaking in Baby, but it loosely translates to "Ha ha!!! You wanted us and now you will pay! This is what you get for having sex with Mommy!!!"

The boy has a point. In the future I'm going to attach the horn to my weiner to warn my wife when I'm coming.

Let me be a cautionary tale, guys. Don't get your kids noisy presents. Get them something quiet like pillows or raisins.

(But for what it's worth, they still ride that scooter all the time.)

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Posted by Steven | Archive

I cannot wait until your christmas post.

Posted by: mary at December 19, 2008 10:41 AM

Bless you. My Christmas can now be complete. I didn't expect a mention, either. The honor!

Posted by: Keith at December 19, 2008 10:56 AM

This audio clip never stops being funny.

Posted by: will at December 19, 2008 11:01 AM

Noisy presents are really for aunts and uncles to get for nieces and nephews. My sister and I used to compete to see who could get my brother's daughters the loudest gifts. It's much more fun when you don't have to have that stuff in your own home.

Posted by: Seitz at December 19, 2008 11:29 AM

That was awesome. Is the horn still attached to the scooter? For what its worth, my sister and I played with the crappiest toys til they died and never played with the expensive dolls they bought us. I have so many happy memories of making myself sick on a sit-n-spin.

Posted by: Regina at December 19, 2008 11:30 AM

Maybe this year Santa will get your wee ones a drum kit? That will certainly make for a "peaceful" holiday. (It's ok to drink a lot. I think it's important to sanity. Santa says it's ok too.)

Posted by: at December 19, 2008 12:06 PM

ps- any chance you'll eat some inedible treat soon? I miss your "Don't eat that" posts. Or have you been sworn of on recommendation of wife/physician? (Not that you could blame them....)

Posted by: at December 19, 2008 12:07 PM

I think they already got a drum set, remember the raisins vs. drum set? I think the next most awesomely loud gift is a simple, cheap plastic recorder. The whistly, clarinet type, not an actual device that records sound. These things are soooo loud and soooo high pitched... plus it's even worse if you don't know how to play because the more air you use to play it, the worse it sounds. DO IT! Please!!!! I would love hear hear that sound clip.

Posted by: Nicole at December 19, 2008 1:19 PM

that's the kind of thing grandparents like to buy, too. i'm guessing it's some sort of payback.

Posted by: kerry at December 19, 2008 1:21 PM

shit steve, i feel for you

but you just had to have sex, you horny fellow you!

Posted by: invderpenguin at December 19, 2008 1:41 PM

Happy days are here again. How did Mrs. Steve take to the plan b for the horn?

Posted by: strongbadia7 at December 19, 2008 3:27 PM

Aww, I bet his little face was a picture.

Apparently I spent more time playing with the boxes that the presents! :P

Posted by: Gaina at December 19, 2008 4:34 PM

OMG seriously, your xmas post will be MY present this wife just asked me "what the hell my problem was" for blaring that and laughing at the same time. i told her it wasn't to annoy HER, but looks like i'm in a bit of trouble...time to go make up so we can make up ;)

Posted by: j. money at December 19, 2008 6:03 PM

My dad went through a midlife crisis that resulted in him now having two children, ages 3 and 5, at 55 years old (with a very, very young girl, too). I am terribly bitter and delight in giving the kids the noisest, messiest toys I can find. This year it's Magic SAND and a set of percussion instruments.

Happy holidays, Steve and family and ALL of YOU!

Posted by: JenDiggity at December 19, 2008 6:18 PM

Honk! Honk!!!

Posted by: LiteralDan at December 19, 2008 11:40 PM

Even if you only give them noiseless toys kids seem to DIY noise makers. Nothing like a 2 year old whacking a metal bowl with a spoon, the morning after a piss up. Oh the pain!

Posted by: Yaya at December 20, 2008 5:35 AM

For 12 years I was the "cool" aunt who got my 6 nieces and nephews the most obnoxiously loud and/or messy toys i could find. I had dogs i was safe!

Our son was born Sept 3rd.

I'll be hiding in the closet Christmas sisters are gonna git me!

Posted by: Bec at December 21, 2008 3:39 AM

Horny Christmas and "RAISINS?!!" are ring and alert tones on my cell, respectively.

My fam ALLLLWAYS cracks up at "RAISINS?!!"
They parrot some messed-up version of "Put these back ... in your FOOD."

Lols all around.

Can't WAIT to see what he does this year.

Posted by: el at December 21, 2008 8:30 PM

"This year it's Magic SAND and a set of percussion instruments. "

You are evil!


Posted by: el at December 21, 2008 8:31 PM