January 26, 2008
Princess Frostine: Destroyer of Dreams
Games specially designed for kids 3 and up can be very educational. One lesson I've learned is being around a screaming kid who just lost in Candy Land makes Daddy want bourbon.
While the rest of the world is freaking out over lead-based paint being found in toys, I can't understand why no one is talking about the hidden dangers associated with Candy Land's Princess Frostine card.
The Princess Frostine card wields too much power for toddlers' undeveloped little brain stems. And yet it can be found in every box of Candy Land still on toy store shelves to this day. (Here the Princess can be seen displaying her latest creation: ice cream flavored with the teardrops of children.)
Players draw picture cards to see how far they should move forward in the game. On any given turn, this aging confectionery whore can be pulled from the deck practically sending the recipient to the finish line -- while sending the other young players into the type of tantrum that makes men google "Vasectomy."
Here's just how far the Princess can send a player in a single move...
I swear to god, Billy has taken shorter walks in Family Circus.
If you're an adult and find that YOU have drawn the Frostine card, I suggest you quietly slide it back into the deck and draw again. If you've been spotted with it, just calmly play the card. Then strap on a little riot gear and aim your rubber bullets at the youngest player.
I should point out that as a responsible parent, I do realize the value of teaching children good sportsmanship. Which is why when my son is sad after losing a game, I usually put the little guy on my knee and gently tell him, "C'mon, Sweetie. Don't cry. Daddy doesn't like how it sounds."
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