November 25, 2008

In Sickness and in Health

My wife and I celebrated our wedding anniversary on Sunday and, unfortunately, I was completely sick for it. It does uphold something of a tradition though, because 12 years earlier on our wedding day I was also a gross, mucous-filled mess.

I could feel myself getting ill two days before our wedding and there really wasn't much I could do to stop it. On the morning of the big day, I managed to tape myself together with Afrin, Advil, Ricola and anything else I could suck on or squirt inside me.

The wedding went fine and I don't even look sick in the pictures, but about 3/4 of the way through the reception I could feel myself starting to fall apart. By that night I was sweaty, shaky, mucous machine.

I can very clearly remember sitting on the bed with my shiny new wife as we opened all the wedding cards to the sound of me wheezing. She made me tea and suggested I try to get some sleep since we had an early flight in the morning for our honeymoon.

Me with stuffy nose: "But we hab to... consummade the... marriage."

My wife: "It's okay. I know you feel terrible."

Me: "No... it's our weddig nide. We hab to... hab... sex."

And with that I dragged my germ-ridden body on top of her and did what I had to do -- making our union official with a single, diseased act of love.

Since I believe in the importance of family traditions, I'm happy to report this anniversary also included the erotic hacking up of phlegm as foreplay.

And while I hate to break the hearts of all the ladies out there -- this type of deep love and romance is only reserved for my one special woman.

Happy Anniversary, Wife! I love you more than grape Dimetapp!

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Posted by Steven | Archive

Are you sure you aren't describing my husband on our wedding day?

Posted by: bj at November 25, 2008 8:39 AM

What a heart-warming a weird sort of way.

Posted by: neil at November 25, 2008 8:58 AM

Is this where the nickname "The Sneeze" came from?

Posted by: nihil at November 25, 2008 9:04 AM

That was both lovely and gross at the same time. Thanks for sharing. Oh and Happy Anniversary.

Posted by: Kaila at November 25, 2008 9:04 AM

Steve, you make yourself sound soo attractive :P

Posted by: askiba at November 25, 2008 9:22 AM

I hope you sneezed in her coochie and farted on her neck.

Posted by: Eff-man at November 25, 2008 9:26 AM

What an oddly romantic story! I feel honored to have been there at the start of your wedded bliss. And to think, I never even knew you were sick on your wedding day. Kudos!

Posted by: nochooches at November 25, 2008 9:29 AM

Wow. Now I'm really glad all hubby gets me for our anniversary is an iTunes gift card.

Posted by: san antone rose at November 25, 2008 9:37 AM

That might be the most romantic story I've ever heard and it's really saying something when you love someone more than Dimetapp, that stuff is tasty.

Posted by: kerrin at November 25, 2008 9:52 AM

"and so the world never heard a story of such woe,
than that of Juliet and her disease ridden, mucus spewing, wheezing, stuffy head, watery eyed (but not in the good way) so you can get some sleep, Romeo.

Happy Anniversary Steve and Mrs. Steve. May the boot knockin' never grow quiet.

Posted by: aptkane at November 25, 2008 10:18 AM

What an awesome story. It reminds us that no matter how hard we may try for perfection, life is sometimes messy....really, really messy.

Happy Anniversary!

Posted by: TC at November 25, 2008 10:30 AM

Aw, cute, if mucous-y story.

It sort of reminds of my ex-hubby, when he accused me of making sure I had my period for every holiday, birthday, and anniversary.

Posted by: thewildbunny at November 25, 2008 10:34 AM

My best friends started a tradition (on her wedding night) of getting shitfaced and passing out cold pre-consummation. She continued to do so for all 9 of their anniversaries and then they divorced.
I love that you still managed to get it done & an uber impressed that she let you!

Posted by: at November 25, 2008 10:37 AM

ah. true love. you know it's for keeps when someone is willing to kiss you when you're all germy. happy anniversary!

Posted by: patricia at November 25, 2008 10:40 AM

Happy Anniversary, Steve. May you continue to pass Rhinovirus as an STD for many years to come.

Posted by: Brett L. at November 25, 2008 10:40 AM


Posted by: cheryl at November 25, 2008 10:41 AM

Your wife deserves a medal.

Posted by: foxspit at November 25, 2008 10:49 AM

I want to say something about mucus as lube but that would just be revolting.

Posted by: JenDiggity at November 25, 2008 11:08 AM

omg, I am sooooo turned on right now!

Posted by: mossum at November 25, 2008 11:21 AM

at least she could have climbed onto you for your wedding night frolic, as you were so sick.

Posted by: Petebert at November 25, 2008 11:29 AM

You know it's love when the spouse gets more love than grape Dimetapp.

Posted by: Trini at November 25, 2008 11:55 AM

Yet another thing I miss about being single: gross, mucous-filled acts of love.

Happy Anniversary, Steve & Mrs. Steve.

Posted by: beer.snob.chick at November 25, 2008 1:10 PM

Now that's love. (Her, not you. Because: Ewwwwww.)

Posted by: Mir at November 25, 2008 1:27 PM

How romantic! Sounds similar to my own wedding night, except mine included menstruation and blinding side & back aches aches (the former mine, the latter husband's).

Posted by: Carrie Jo at November 25, 2008 1:27 PM

I thought I was the only one with this shitty of luck! I spent the three or four days before my wedding sucking down every cold remedy I could possibly find.

When we landed in Puerto Rico for the honeymoon, the plane ride blew my ears out and I couldn't hear for a day or so.

God times.

Posted by: caroline at November 25, 2008 1:49 PM

The Mrs. and I recently celebrated our second anniversary. Unlike our wedding day, upon which only I vomited my guts out, this year my wife joined me in serenading Ralph. We get bonus points for managing it in a one bathroom house while caring for our 4-month old.

Posted by: Thomas at November 25, 2008 2:18 PM

Happy Anniversary to Mr. & Mrs. Sneeze. Mine was similar except it was because someone (not me) was drunk as a skunk on our wedding day. Yes, indeed - good times.

Posted by: tara at November 25, 2008 3:10 PM

You Prince Charming, you!

Posted by: derfina at November 25, 2008 3:10 PM

You Steve, are a true Mans Man, and represent the best of a mans never ending desire to please his woman.

Posted by: KJ at November 25, 2008 4:37 PM

I just threw up in my mouth a little. Did you throw up in her mouth a little?

Posted by: Bags at November 25, 2008 4:45 PM

Damn bro...More than grape Dimetapp??? She better be treatin' you right then cuz that stuff is the best!

Posted by: Tony_Midnite at November 25, 2008 5:14 PM


Posted by: eew at November 25, 2008 5:19 PM

Happy Anniversary! I laughed so hard at this, mostly because I'm getting sick right now. I'm not alone!

My husband and I got married October 2007. We were so tired (we'd gotten maybe 6 hours of sleep over the course of 4 days) that we didn't have energy to have sex on our wedding night. We made up for it in the morning, though ;)

Posted by: Lydia at November 25, 2008 5:50 PM

Hawt. Soooooo hawt.

Happy anniversary! Here's to many more mucous-filled years of bliss.

Posted by: Kim at November 25, 2008 9:16 PM

My wife seem to have a similar condition where she is always sick for her birthday (we've been together for 22 years and it's getting kinda old now). Maybe I should give her an early present (grape dimetapp??) and say it's from you? Congrats on another year of sickly wedded bliss and wishes for many more less mucus filled copulations in the future

Posted by: timbo at November 25, 2008 10:18 PM

I always wondered how one child could possibly come up with "Jokes From the Booster Seat"; perhaps this is the explanation?

Posted by: Ben at November 25, 2008 10:30 PM

Looooooonnnnggggg gaps betwixt posts...Do you need a fill-in guy? I am funny and everything. I have nothing to back up this claim, however...Anyway...just lemme know.

Posted by: Keith at November 25, 2008 11:46 PM

I'd like to represent the international readership in asking what is this Dimetapp of which you speak? If it's universally acknowledged to be as good as a wife then I'm going to have to try some.

I sense a recurring theme (this, "when did you first fart in front of your girlfriend") being "love is not being grossed out by someone else's bodily functions even if you are nekkid with them on a semi-regular basis". Maybe all those freaky videos on the internet are just people who love each other very much.

That's what I'll tell myself.

Posted by: PKM at November 26, 2008 2:18 AM

Happy anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Steve Sneeds! May you have more of those... sex... times... in the future.

Posted by: Ade at November 26, 2008 3:07 AM

you must really love her, bc grape dimetapp is FANTASTIC.

Posted by: MommyNamedApril at November 26, 2008 6:39 AM

is that why this website is called The Sneeze?

Posted by: junkie at November 26, 2008 8:54 AM

So is this some sort of contagious thing? My husband and I got food poisoning this year for our anniversary. On our date! He too was sick as a dog for our wedding night. He waited to seal the deal before he hung out with the toilet the whole night though...ahh love.

Posted by: Marguerite at November 26, 2008 10:39 AM

Your wife is most certainly a saint! :-)

Posted by: MJGee at November 26, 2008 11:06 AM

Don't eat it, she's sick!

Posted by: Aaron at November 26, 2008 12:18 PM

I appreciate that you are exaggerating for effect and all, but still, it's probably not a good idea to invoke and then denigrate the name of Grape Dimetapp like that, or the Gods of Medicine may take this gift back from us and replace it with more Robitussin.

And then you and I might have to have some words.

Happy Anniversary all the same!

Posted by: LiteralDan at November 26, 2008 2:09 PM

Happy Anniversary!! And I hope you're feeling much better now.

Posted by: weejie at November 26, 2008 4:16 PM

Best Anniversary wishes Steve. Here's hoping that 50 years from now you're still reaching for the Dimetapp, Vitamin C...and Viagra.

Posted by: Andy at November 26, 2008 7:06 PM

That's Love my good man. A woman willing to have sex with you while you're a mucous wheezing monster is worth keeping around.

Posted by: Erin The Great at November 26, 2008 8:36 PM

You need to post a picture of yourself, I need a face to put on these stories. But not this one, because that's icky. EEEEEWWWWW

Posted by: D at November 26, 2008 8:40 PM

please add this to your "best of"s! it made me chuckle aloud!

Posted by: danielle at November 27, 2008 12:03 AM

Happy Anniversary! (Happy Thanksgiving, too!)

Posted by: CanDea at November 27, 2008 7:05 AM

I just wanted to let you know I just started reading your blog and love it. It's nice to read from a man's point of view. What a romantic you are.

Posted by: Treasia/TruckersWife at November 27, 2008 8:16 AM

Awwwwww [and ewwww]. Happy Anniversary!

Posted by: Frida at November 27, 2008 1:13 PM

Nice, Steve. I think most of us married folks had one or two problems at the wedding that just made it that much more memorable. That's really awesome though, way to stay true to those vows! I think most of us really overlook the whole "in sickness and in health" thing, but not you. Way to stand and deliver like a champ.

Posted by: Squirrely B at November 28, 2008 6:30 AM

Ahhh...Wedded bliss at its finest. Brings back memories of my wedding night with my husband praying to Ralph the porcelin God. He was probably the drunkest person at our wedding...and I was the most sober. Wait...putting it in words infront of me is starting to make me wonder why he was the drunkest person at our wedding. Thanks Steve...I'm gonna go crawl in a hole and cry myself to sleep now...

Posted by: Erin at November 28, 2008 8:15 AM

i think that might be the sweetest thing i've ever read! happy anniversary =)

Posted by: shonuff at November 28, 2008 12:10 PM

You may think it's funny when your nose is runny and you kiss your honey....but it's snot.

I don't even know if I got that right. It's been a while since I heard it, but I thought it fit well with your anniversary.

Happy Anniversary!

Posted by: Sue at November 29, 2008 11:01 AM

That's why it's called The Sneeze, huh?

Posted by: Jokeslayer at November 29, 2008 1:01 PM

I was menstruating on my wedding night. We decided to do it in the shower rather than risk not consummating our marriage! Sounds like your wedding night was about as messy as mine, though in a different sense!

Posted by: Holly at November 29, 2008 1:03 PM

I was also on the rag during my wedding and due to a number of reasons, I had to go commando under my wedding dress. There are photos of my new husband serenading me with a song he wrote and I look like I'm on the edge of my seat because I want to jump in to his guitar-filled lap and kiss him, but about 95% of the reason I was leaning in so intently was I feared I would make a puddle on the hotel chair.

Posted by: Jennifer at November 29, 2008 10:49 PM