November 2008 Archives

In Sickness and in Health

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My wife and I celebrated our wedding anniversary on Sunday and, unfortunately, I was completely sick for it. It does uphold something of a tradition though, because 12 years earlier on our wedding day I was also a gross, mucous-filled mess.

I could feel myself getting ill two days before our wedding and there really wasn't much I could do to stop it. On the morning of the big day, I managed to tape myself together with Afrin, Advil, Ricola and anything else I could suck on or squirt inside me.

The wedding went fine and I don't even look sick in the pictures, but about 3/4 of the way through the reception I could feel myself starting to fall apart. By that night I was sweaty, shaky, mucous machine.

I can very clearly remember sitting on the bed with my shiny new wife as we opened all the wedding cards to the sound of me wheezing. She made me tea and suggested I try to get some sleep since we had an early flight in the morning for our honeymoon.

Me with stuffy nose: "But we hab to... consummade the... marriage."

My wife: "It's okay. I know you feel terrible."

Me: "No... it's our weddig nide. We hab to... hab... sex."

And with that I dragged my germ-ridden body on top of her and did what I had to do -- making our union official with a single, diseased act of love.

Since I believe in the importance of family traditions, I'm happy to report this anniversary also included the erotic hacking up of phlegm as foreplay.

And while I hate to break the hearts of all the ladies out there -- this type of deep love and romance is only reserved for my one special woman.

Happy Anniversary, Wife! I love you more than grape Dimetapp!

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