October 2008 Archives

Exactly one year later, Lucas writes again...

Hi, Steve,

I hope all is well at Sneeze headquarters. I'm happy to report that the old pumpkin patch has yielded a gourdly oddity for the second year in a row. Much like last year's "humpkin," this year's special fruit has lent itself to practically endless genital gaffs while earning the fitting moniker of "the pornkin."

While certain hybrids are bred with swagger-worthy stems, this big guy was found in an otherwise anatomically average corner of the patch where he no doubt spent his time making a production each time he sidled up next to a stumpier neighbor at the pumpkin urinal.

Perhaps I'll don my tree brains shirt and make a pornkin cod piece for Halloween this year. Unless, of course, you don't think the masses could handle theoretical cod piece rock.

Best Wishes,
Lucas Stock

Thanks, Lucas. And for your Halloween reading pleasure, The Great Humpkin from last year, is only one click away.

Happy Halloween, guys!

This story started 10 years ago in 1998, right around the time I first met Lisa (aka Hungry Girl.)

For no real reason other than being an idiot, I would occasionally type random words into my powerful Netscape internet browser and add on a ".com" just to see what was there.

One day I typed in "Broccoli.com" and was instantly transported to a fantastical land known as "Broccoli Town, USA."

Broccoli.com was the website of a broccoli packing company and they had made their website look like a 3-D map of a place called Broccoli Town. All the way from 1998, here's a picture of it...

There was a Broccoli Institute, a post office and most importantly, a Kids' Club. As soon as I saw they had posted some emails from kids about broccoli in the Kids' Club section, I was obsessed with getting my own email in there.

I decided to write an email as a kid who had never tried broccoli before. This is not the exact email, but it's extremely close...

Hi
I want to try broccoli but my friend Jarred said it's poison. Jarred is a liar but I'm not going to try it until you write back.

Steven
age 8

A day or two later I received a very nice email from a lady named Alicia. She told me that broccoli was NOT poison. She let me know it was delicious and good for me and pointed me to some recipes I could make with my parents.

I wrote back to Alicia more than once with more important questions. I clearly remember asking her what it was like to live in Broccoli Town and asking if Broccoli Town was decorated for Christmas yet.

As I said, this was 10 years ago and sadly Broccoli Town is gone. But cut to this past Saturday night and the following insane text exchange on my phone with Lisa.

Lisa: There???

Me: Hi

Lisa: What happened with u and broccoli.com??? remind me

Me: I used to write to a woman there and pretend I was a kid who never had broccoli because my friend Jarred said it was poison and I kept asking her what broccoli town was like

Lisa: Who was the woman?

Me: Alicia

Lisa: LOL I am sitting with her now!!!!!!

Me: Oh my god!!!

Lisa: I will take her pic!!!!

Me: Tell her I ate the broccoli and it wasn't poison!

Lisa: LOL everyone here is screaming

Me: That is crazy

Lisa: I just sat next to her at a 3 hour dinner

Me: Does she still live in broccoli town??

Lisa: she moved

Me: does she remember me?

Lisa: She thinks she does!

Me: Tell her I say hi and I'm glad we're back in touch.

Lisa: LOL I will send u her pic soon

Me: Where does she work now?

Lisa: Same place!!!!!

Me: I can't believe you just ate broccoli for 3 hours with alicia

Stay tuned -- we are working on my heartfelt reunion with Alica from Broccoli Town! (Thanks, Lisa!)

For the uninitiated, last year I thought we should start a theoretical band that we could all be in. We named ourselves The Tree Brains after the annual fungus that grows on my tree. Gary Taxali made a kick-ass logo, there were some shirts (which are all gone), a big Tree Brains Facebook group and now master tiki mug sculptor Henrik Van Ryzin agreed join in.

As you can see from the following video of Henrik in action, The Tree Brain Tiki Mugs are coming along beautifully.

The actual brain portion isn't seen in the final image, but you can see it being fitted in a few frames during the video.

What you're watching is about 7 hours and 45 minutes of sculpting. According to Henrik, the drying is the tricky part...

I do have a bit more clean up that I'll be doing today, then the long and anxiety filled drying process begins. I am guessing about two weeks of slow drying will do the trick - we really don't want one part of the mug to shrink too fast and crack. Overall, the mugs will shrink around 9%. I'll continue to provide photos as things progress.

Mahalo,
Henrik

If all goes according to plan there will be 2 mugs. 1 for me and 1 to hopefully be bid on by one of you guys. You know those 2-halves-of-a-heart keychains people buy at the mall, and then each person takes a half and they then forever share a mystical bond? I will share a similar powerful bond with whoever ends up with the other mug.

See all of Henrik's insane mugs at Vantiki.com.

A couple of weeks ago I published a post called "New Waxing Options for the Progressive Woman."

It was well enough received. I got a couple of pleasant emails about it and many of you even created your own waxing options on my Facebook Graffiti wall. All in all, most folks seem to like it. Most folks except for my friend, Lee.

Lee was a little put off by the subject matter. He felt it was offensive to women and misogynistic. And while he was the only person I heard from who felt this way, I certainly respect his right to that opinion.

As you know, I don't aim to offend here at The Sneeze and certainly meant no harm.

Lee, I do hope you can accept my apologies.

_{(I'll admit the Stink Lines probably wasn't my most distinguished moment.)}

Tiki mug sculptor and god of clay, Henrik Van Ryzin, has officially begun creating the Tree Brain Tiki Mug. Technically, we think it's actually more of a Tree Brain Tiki Pitcher with secret removable brain mug, but whatever.

Henrik has agreed to keep us posted on the mug as it comes together. As you can see below, things are off to a great start...

Aloha Steve!

I've been piecing together the Tree Brain mug every spare moment I have been able to sneak away from my computer. I started with the brain itself, as I've never really done one before. My first two attempts left me a bit cold - one was far too "realistic" and the other a tad to "generic blob" for my taste:

Left those to simmer on the drying rack for a week, and went back to your site for more treebrain research. Glad I did, as today's efforts more truely reflect both the "brain-ness" and the "tree-ness" of the actual treebrain. At least I like to think they do. Imagine them glazed in a vivid ultra-smooth high-gloss orange. Pow!

Please keep in mind that these are rough sculpts! I'll be moving on to the tree itself this week. It will be done out of a different (brown) clay body, and the teeth and eyes will be various porcelains (like my other mugs).

Henrik

Henrik Van Ryzin
VanTiki Island Explorer
www.vantiki.com

Definitely click on over and check out all of Henrik's unbelievable creations at his site VanTiki.com.

And be sure to sign up for his free mailing list to be notified when the latest creations are up for sale on eBay.