September 2008 Archives

The F Word

Driving in my car with my 8-year-old in the back. We're rocking out to an old Cloud Cult album when a particularly sexual, adult-themed song comes on and I skip it.

"Hey! Why'd you skip that?!"

"Because he sings about some adult stuff and it's not for you."

"What does he say?!"

"I can't tell you."

"C'mon, just tell me!"

"If I told you then you'd hear it."

"You can tell me!"

"No."

"Does he say 'fart?' He says 'fart' doesn't he."

"Yes. He says 'fart.'"

"I knew it."

* * * * * * *

(If you're new here, we love some Cloud Cult. Click on over and love them, too. In addition to being a proud member of The Tree Brains, Craig also happened to write the officially awesome Sneeze theme song.)

Uncle Steve's Laffytime Doodlefest

NEW WAXING OPTIONS FOR THE PROGRESSIVE WOMAN

wax
wax
wax
wax
wax
wax
wax
wax
wax
wax
wax
wax

Miracle!

| 85 Comments

It's just like the end of the beloved classic film "Turner & Hooch" when Hooch dies, but we learn he had babies. Or the crappy book "Charlotte's Web" when Charlotte dies, but we learn she had babies.

Stella the Tree Brain is gone, but she left us little Tree Brain Babies! I saw this cute little guy and a few others on the tree this morning. I snapped a quick pic with my phone.

(Oh, by the way, Turner & Hooch and Charlotte's Web SPOILER ALERT!)

Also -- Lauren just whipped up this lovely baby announcement.

Stella Daskat Tree Brain Memorial

Super awesome internet Facebook friends -- you're all welcome to add an artistic tribute to the Stella Daskat Tree Brain Memorial on my Facebook Grafitti wall.

Once you're signed into Facebook, you can find the wall right here.

Here are a few that are already up...


I'll post highlights here in a few days.

What Kind of World Do We Live In?

| 145 Comments

Apparently it's the kind of world where even aging, inedible tree brains aren't safe.

Tree Brain 2008 (Stella Daskat) was abducted some time yesterday.

Over the weekend I had noticed that the tree brain had stopped growing, was starting to sag and was in its final days. I went out to take one last picture this morning and here's what I found...

These monsters even took the official size-reference quarter. The brain was way beyond the eating stage, which makes this crime that much more senseless. There was no ransom note at the scene.

At this point there isn't much we can do. I checked out the guidelines for having an Amber Alert issued, but they seem to be real sticklers that the abductee be a "person." It's hard to believe, but I went through their whole site and there wasn't one section set up for Missing Beloved Internet Fungus.

If I hear anything else I'll let you know.

Remember: they can take the brains from our trees -- but never from our hearts.

(Comments closed before the spam rolls in.)

A Brain is a Terrible Thing to Waste

| 40 Comments

It is a joy to watch our little brain grow and yet I'm faced with a common dilemma among those in charge of a little one -- wanting to eat it.

Obviously it would be wrong to destroy the entire tree brain. What I needed to do was perform a small, precise fungal lobotomy.

I believe it was a young Joey Ramone (or as you probably know him better, Jeffrey Ross Hyman) who penned the artful lyrics: "Guess I'm gonna have to tell 'em, that I have no cerebellum."

Eating the tree brain is nothing new. You can read more about that experience right here. (And as I've said before, DO NOT try eating any weird things you randomly find growing on trees. You'll die, and I like having readers.)

I don't think anyone will realize the back of her head is missing. It's hardly noticeable.

I also received this email from Katie:

Steve,

The tree brain TOTALLY looks like Pac-Man. That's awesome. Here's a picture for reference:

=D
Love your site.
-Katie

Thanks, Katie. And it may feel insincere since you said it first, but the site loves you, too. (And nice touch replacing the pellet with the quarter.)

Sneeze peeps kick ass.

A Day at the Science Museum

California Science Center.

My 8-year-old and I stand in front of a jar containing a kidney.

Him: Is it real?

Me: Yes.

Him: Is it human?

Me: Yes.

Him: Is it George Lopez's?

Classic.

We Are Fancy Art People

It's not often one can enjoy the feeling of culture that comes with visiting an art gallery and still get to look at robots, drink free booze and eat donuts. But that was the case at Eric Joyner's new L.A. show.

And since this was a rare outing for me and my wife that didn't include the 2 adorable jack-asses whom we love deeply, I'm happy to report we had an excellent date night. (For those of you who are new around here, Eric is an extremely talented artist who specializes in paintings that feature tin toy robots with a few donuts thrown in for good measure. The adorable jack-asses are, of course: former Journey front-man Steve Perry and TV's Alf.)

It was also great to meet actual Sneeze readers in the flesh. Thanks to everyone for being so friendly. And for not making me have to pretend I could actually protect my wife.

We were there for a couple of hours. It was packed the whole time and many of the paintings were sold.

And finally, I give you the man of the evening as he cordially signs posters underneath a massive orange tit.

I do love culture.

Be sure to visit Eric at his official site www.ericjoyner.com.

Objects May Appear Larger

In the latest Tree Brain news, I realized I had forgotten to add the traditional quarter for size-reference.

After putting it in place...

I quickly realized the Tree Brain has formed a giant face and wants to eat the quarter...

Explosive Brain Growth

I don't know what kind of performance enhancing drugs this tree brain is taking, but this is some quick, massive growth. Here she is coming out of her hole to survey the landscape and plot its destruction...

(Big-ass Sony DSLR-a300k version of the final pic right here.)

I also received this little bit of awesomeness today...

Steve,

I was excited about the tree brain, so I made a skirt in its honor.

I wear it 'round town and it makes me feel all warm and tingly and imparted with knowledge. Much like other pieces of my wardrobe do not.

May the brains grow large,
Katie

Katie, you are an evil textile genius! The Tree Brains are proud to have you theoretically rocking among us.

And for those of you who don't know -- The Tree Brains is also the name of our theoretical rock band. If you're on Facebook, you can join the official Facebook Tree Brains group right here.

A Growing Brain

| 66 Comments

Welcome to Day 2 in the life of our little Tree Brain. (Or at least Day 2 of my tracking it. I didn't notice her right away.)

It appears she's feeling braver and wants to venture outside of her hole. She may be cute, but let's keep in mind most babies are. She is still pure, delicious evil.

Incidentally, I was asked to review a new Sony camera -- the DSLR-a300k. I am by no means a photographer, but I'll be giving it a test ride by taking all the Tree Brain pix with it. So far it's pretty great. You can see a very large version of the 2nd pic right here.

I also received this email... "Yo Steve, How about a name contest for Miss Tree Brain, I vote for Stella DASKAT."

Sure, go ahead. But I have to say, "Stella Daskat" is excellent.

And finally, on the comment board Jason says: "Maybe its just me, but isn't there a large phallus in the middle of the tree brain???

I've animated and highlighted it for your entertainment." You can find that right here.

Thanks, Jason! I think.

Introducing Little Miss Tree Brain 2008

Coquettishly perched in a hole like a cliche squirrel, I give you Treebrain 2008. (If you have no idea what's going on, you can do about 5 years of catching up over here.)

More to come. Hopefully no one will steal this one.

Breaking News: 2008 Brain Arrival

Pix soon.

Moving Forewords

Your old robot paintin' pal, Eric Joyner, just had a fantastic new book of his art published, entitled "Robots & Donuts". This book also happens to contain a fun, unorthodox foreword (actually 2 forewords) written by your old pal, me. (If you do decide to pick yourself up a copy, you have to promise to read the forewords in order.)

The book is full color and features a ton of Eric's best work. It even has a sweet centerfold just like a smut magazine, but this one has toy robots instead of yucky naked women.

Get yourself copy at Amazon right here...

And if you live near the Los Angeles area, this Saturday night Sept. 6th from 7-10 pm, Eric will be having a brand new gallery show and book release party that is open to the public. He'll be signing copies of the book (and I'll be stopping by to hang out with my wife, too -- I think we're getting there around 8 pm). For those of you who dislike Eric, art, books, robots, me or my wife -- there will be free donuts.

For details on the show go to the Corey Helford Gallery website.

How To Talk To Women

Reports came in that my 8-year-old was secretly chatting up some ladies earlier in the day. Proud and curious, I summon him to the bedroom for details.

"Mommy told me she took you and your brother to the park today and you were talking to some girls."

"Yeah."

"She said you were hanging out with them on top of the slide?"

"Yeah."

"Nice! What did you say to them?"

"I was telling them that you have a hairy butt."

"..."

This brief moment of silence is broken by the hard laughter of his obnoxious 4-year-old brother.

"And what did the girls say??"

"They said their dad's have hairy butts, too."

I suppose this once again proves the old adage: "The quickest way to a woman's heart is through your father's swampy ass."

I'm not thrilled about this conversation, but I've always had a hard time talking to strange girls. If my buttocks are an ice-breaker, have at it, kid.

Pages

Powered by Movable Type 4.24-en

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries from September 2008 listed from newest to oldest.

August 2008 is the previous archive.

October 2008 is the next archive.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.