February 2008 Archives

After far too much discussion, here are the finalist names for our new toilet.

They are a combination of ones I liked and ones you liked, but they are also ones that feel like they could be an actual toilet name. There were many I loved that didn't make the final list for various reasons (not kid-friendly, funny but too topical, etc.).

Here are just a handful of the terrific suggestions that deserve an Honorable Mention:

The Shitoon
iPood
H.R. Flushnstuff
Senor Burrito-Completo
Big Hungry Joe
Ol' Smeller
Loretta
The Six Million Dollar Can
There Will Be Blood
Poopacabra
Crapalodeon
Denny's

RESULTS NEXT WEEK.

In response to the previous post, a reader writes:

dear the sneeze --

i read about toilets on your website today. will you please have a the sneeze contest and let us, the fans of the sneeze, try to come up with the best toilet name ever? and would you agree to re-name your toilet the name that wins the contest? maybe you could pick the top 5 best toilet names submitted, and then we could all vote for the #1 winner.

if you like this idea, great! if not, fuck you.

--a sneeze reader (whom you kind of know personally)

p.s. i will start by suggesting "shit lagoon" -- but i have more.

Sure, why not. Our "Carrollton" from Toto is not a name to get excited about. And the toilet has not been installed yet, so once we have a new name, on the day it is installed I can christen it in more than one way.

Whether you have names to add or not, it would be helpful if you could mention any other submissions that you are liking, to help figure out the top 5.

The comment board is open now closed. (Poll coming soon.)

We've been remodeling a bathroom here at Sneeze headquarters. My favorite thing about the entire process has been reading the fantastic names companies have given their toilets.

While I dearly love that Kohler has a toilet named "Kathryn," my true favorite from them is "Memoirs."

Gently whisper it to yourself. Memoirs...

So delicate. So French. Yes, Memoirs is where I would like to unload my filth.

You shouldn't be surprised by my joy to see the lofty names also extend to their toilet seats. I give you the majestic beauty of "Autumn Tides" by Kohler.

Autumn Tides -- the leaves are turning... the waves are crashing... the poop is coming.

Autumn Tides -- a toilet seat for the discerning buttock.

Bill wrote yesterday...

Steve,

I just read your "Stevie's Home" post and enjoyed it and TOTALLY agree with it.

You may find it interesting to note that there is a guy who wrote an ENTIRE book on this very topic in, I think, the early 1970s. I heard about it in a psychology class in college. I bought the paperback and read it. It was over 20 years ago that I read it and, while I agreed with the premise, an entire book is a lot to write about the topic.

Basically, the "First Four Minutes" premise is two-fold. First is the obvious one, that first impressions are important. Basically, the first four minutes you meet anyone new will set the tone for your entire relationship with that person. Obviously, your feelings toward that person will evolve with time, but that initial impression will always be there.

The second part of the premise is EXACTLY what you are talking about. The first four minutes of whenever you see anyone, even a spouse, after being away from them, even for just eight hours or so, sets the tone. In other words, if you come home from work slamming doors, it sets the tone for the entire evening, and it's hard to recover from that. Likewise, if you can just put a happy face on for the first four minutes when you come in the door, it will make for a positive evening regardless of what is weighing on you.

The "So What" factor of his entire premise is that the author feels that almost every failed marriage could be saved by spouses being nice to each other for the first four minutes after being apart. Pretty much, the same premise of your posting, but you did it in a few paragraphs, and it took him an entire book.

Anyway, thought you might find that interesting.

Bill from DDT Digest

A long time ago when my wife was my girlfriend and we were LIVING IN SIN, a tradition was born. I'd like to now share it with you all.

I came home from work one day and found her in front of the computer. I said "Hello," and she barely grunted back. I don't even think she looked up.

Half-jokingly I responded, "Okay, we're gonna try this again." I walked out the front door and came back in a few moments later...

"STEVIE'S HOME, STEVIE'S HOME!!! YAY!!!" was the new over-the-top cheer I was greeted with. It was accompanied by a hug and kisses. And I loved it.

What began as a joke quickly became an ongoing practice that continues to this day in our house: The person who is home first must make a small fuss when the other person gets there.

Does it sound silly? Yes. Do I promise that it will set the tone for a nicer evening just about every time you do it? Yes.

The world is full of douchebags, guys. Take 3 seconds out of your precious day to make a fuss over each other. Do it like you mean it. Do it as a goof. Just do it a lot.

I'm promise you'll be glad you did.

_{(For those who'd prefer to cleanse their palette of the preceeding sweetness, the following profanity has been provided for your convenience: fuck my balls.)}

Our theoretical band, The Tree Brains, has a nice little group dedicated to it over on Facebook.

I finally just read the highly enjoyable discussion thread called "Remember That Time..." where some of the members have been doing some theoretical reminiscing about the band.

Here's a handful of them.

"Remember that time we theoretically played that impromptu gig in the check-out line at the 7-eleven? The harmonies on the third triangle breakdown were amazing!"

"oh oh oh!!! and remember that time we theoretically had a show at the Air Canada Centre? And U2 wanted to open for us, but we were theoretically too good for them, so we turned them down? that was cool."

"Making Bono cry was theoretically the hilight of my week!"

"Oh man, what a throw-back! Anyone remember the time theoretically rocked out at the Eiffel Tower? Oh man, those Frenchies dropped what they could have been doing and totally potentially started cheering for us? I swear to potential God, some guy's head could have exploded! I was so theoretically psyched that I smashed my potential flugelhorn after my theoretical solo!"

"That was potentially sweet! My favourite theoretical gig so far was that time, at that place. Those people were possibly rocking out and I just theoretically wailed on the world's smallest violin. It might have been the best thing ever."

"Didn't your hypothetically miniscule violin burst into a torrential rain of blood and flames during that theoretical concert?"

"And remember when we theoretically played that command performance for Nicolas Sarkozy, the Co-prince of Andorra, and he and his court were so pissed off that we refused to translate our lyrics into French for him that he had us chased off the grounds by a pack of beagles, and he confiscated some of our passports so that four of our seventeen triangle players are now Andorran citizens?"

"Remember the time when we theoretically got krunk with Lil John and The East Side Boys?? Man...and then, when Steve took a swig of Krunk Juice from Lil Johns Grail?? DUDE!!!"

"Remember when Warner Brothers (theoretically) wanted to do that Saturday morning cartoon based on us, and they were all like, "But it will be BABY versions of all of you" and we told them to go fuck themselves all the way to the moon, and the head of Marketing at Warner Brothers threw up from anxiety and we all laughed and said they could do it but only if the babies had superpowers?

Um, I think this may have been a theoretical mistake."

The band is theoretical - the level at which you guys rock is not.

AUGUST 28TH, 2007

12:35 pm -- Steve, Dave and Rob walk around talking about stupid things. Rob utters the phrase "Blowjob Hobo" for no apparent reason.

12:36 pm -- Steve, Dave and Rob are a little too amused by the phrase "Blowjob Hobo."

12:38 pm -- Steve wonders out loud if Blowjobhobo.com is still available.

12:39 pm -- Steve, Dave and Rob bet on whether or not Blowjobhobo.com is available.

12:47 pm -- Steve, Dave and Rob are now the proud owners of Blowjobhobo.com

12:49 pm -- Dave has some green tea.

12:50 pm -- Rob asks annoying question: "Now that we own it, what do we do with it?"

12:51 pm -- Steve, Dave and Rob start to think of practical uses for www.blowjobhobo.com

12:52 pm -- Steve stupidly says "Whatever we do with Blowjobhobo.com, I think it's important that we keep it Family Friendly."

12:53 pm -- Steve, Dave and Rob laugh about this.

12:54 pm -- Steve answers his own family-friendly challenge by suggesting that the site be the hangout of Everyone's New Favorite Cartoon Homeless Whale: Blowjo B. Hobo.

12:55 pm -- Steve, Dave and Rob like this.

12:56 pm -- Rob draws crappy rendition of Blowjo the Whale on a whiteboard.

1:59 pm -- Dave finishes his green tea.

3:04 pm -- Steve, Dave and Rob forget about blowjobhobo.com.

* * * * * * *

FEBRUARY 6, 2008

9:04 pm -- Thinking about either blowjobs or hobos or both, Steve remembers Blowjobhobo.com.

9:06 pm -- Steve emails super-artist Gary Taxali who designed the Tree Brains logo. Steve explains whole dumb Blowjob Hobo / Blowjo B. Hobo story to Taxali (omitting most sections about Dave's green tea).

* * * * * * *

FEBRUARY 7, 2008

7:52 am -- In what can only be attributed to morning grogginess or a hangover, super-artist Gary Taxali agrees to draw Blowjo B. Hobo.

7:53 am -- Steve very much looks forward to the arrival of Blowjo B. Hobo -- Everyone's Favorite Homeless Whale.