January 2008 Archives

It Doesn't Seem Fair

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(Learning how to spell "Fergalicious" may be the first step to becoming it.)

Buttons Being Pushed... Can't Take It...

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I found Christie's art recently and she has pushed many of my buttons.

Christie's been making these insanely great hand-made trading cards featuring robots, skeletons, weird food, nuns and anything else she can find.

Christie's mini-masterpieces can be yours today. $10 CHEAP!

See and buy a ton of her stuff right here.

(Also, I've received many emails about the Cheeseburger in a Can today. As far as me sampling one, the site is in Germany and they don't ship to the U.S. Luckily, my friend Alexa is from Germany and she's going to use her German superpowers to try and hook us up. Will I keep you posted? Naturlisch!)


Princess Frostine: Destroyer of Dreams

Games specially designed for kids 3 and up can be very educational. One lesson I've learned is being around a screaming kid who just lost in Candy Land makes Daddy want bourbon.

While the rest of the world is freaking out over lead-based paint being found in toys, I can't understand why no one is talking about the hidden dangers associated with Candy Land's Princess Frostine card.

The Princess Frostine card wields too much power for toddlers' undeveloped little brain stems. And yet it can be found in every box of Candy Land still on toy store shelves to this day. (Here the Princess can be seen displaying her latest creation: ice cream flavored with the teardrops of children.)

Players draw picture cards to see how far they should move forward in the game. On any given turn, this aging confectionery whore can be pulled from the deck practically sending the recipient to the finish line -- while sending the other young players into the type of tantrum that makes men google "Vasectomy."

Here's just how far the Princess can send a player in a single move...

I swear to god, Billy has taken shorter walks in Family Circus.

If you're an adult and find that YOU have drawn the Frostine card, I suggest you quietly slide it back into the deck and draw again. If you've been spotted with it, just calmly play the card. Then strap on a little riot gear and aim your rubber bullets at the youngest player.

I should point out that as a responsible parent, I do realize the value of teaching children good sportsmanship. Which is why when my son is sad after losing a game, I usually put the little guy on my knee and gently tell him, "C'mon, Sweetie. Don't cry. Daddy doesn't like how it sounds."

MLK Day: A Remembrance

Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, "I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

I believe that quote is an important one to include here today because I find that quotes can make you sound more fancy and intelligent. They're a great way to align yourself with someone else's brilliance, and all you have to do is copy and paste. It's a sweet little scam, really.

It's also Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

I thought we could help celebrate it by remembering not only Dr. King's work, but my son's own reflections on race in this very special post from last year...

I found this in my son's backpack the other day.

If you're having any trouble reading it, it says

I like my Dad.

My Dad is white.

I pretty much had the same reaction as his teacher.

I haven't had time to do an in-depth interview with him, but we did discuss it briefly and I'm happy and relieved to report the two sentences are not dependent on each other.

He wrote sentence #1 because I'm "nice".

He wrote sentence #2 because I'm "mostly white. And a little apricot."

He then confirmed that these were completely separate thoughts, and that he does not like me BECAUSE I'm mostly white or even a little apricot.

As far as the drawing goes, it's not even of me, it's of him looking at a boat. Which is bullshit, given that I was the star of both sentences.

It's fine, at least I have my new hip-hop name: Li'l Apricot.




I received this email in response to The Mystery of the Face on the Cake...

Steve,

Every year, my husband makes the birthday cakes for our family. When my son turned 3 years old, his birthday was a basketball theme. My first instinct was to purchase a cake, but I couldn't bring myself to break tradition, so Hubby decided to make a basketball cake.

I was imagining a round cake iced like a basketball. What I got was a penis cake. It was supposed to be a basketball court. But it looked like a penis. I couldn't serve it at the party, so we purchased a big cookie cake.

But our family loved the penis cake.

-Heather

Heather,

It's a shame you chose to not share your husband's baking with your guests.

I think this cake shows a sense of whimsy. While the execution is a bit minimalist, he did a lovely job of capturing the intimate moment before two young men become involved with their lady friend.

I also found his use of sprinkles to be playful yet charming, and his attention to detail on her sloppy icing asshole is just exquisite.

Really nice job.

-Steve


Breakfast Sausage

What is interesting about the bowl you see above?

It's chock full of characters, each in possession of his own cartoon weiner.

And that's because there aren't any female breakfast cereal mascots.

Pebbles doesn't even appear on boxes of Pebbles in either her "Adorable Baby" or "I'd-Hit-it Adult" forms.

A small handful of female cereal mascots have existed in the past, but there are almost none now except for maybe the "Princesses" which, in my opinion, is more an example the Disney machine slapping characters on any available surface, than good ol' fashioned mascotry.

Even when a mascot is an inanimate object like our old pal The Honey Thing, it's still all dripping, sticky and shaped like a peener.

I suppose I should award some points to Kashi "Good Friends Cinna-Raisin Crunch." It features these two lovely ladies who I firmly believe are "good friends" (ever since that crazy day they met at the Kashi "Good Friends Cinna-Raisin Crunch" photo shoot.)

Instead of cartoon princesses filling little girls' heads with unrealistic dreams of growing up to be waited on hand and foot in a palace so they can someday bust their poor husband's balls the moment he gets back from his shift at the Olive Garden -- I suggest new cereals and mascots that focus on strong female role models that have altered the course of history.

Rosa Parks single-handedly took on segregation in 1955 and brought about real change. SHE should be on a box of cereal. All Princess Ariel did was sing with a crab and trade in her voice for some legs.

Miss Parks is no longer with us, but if she were I know she'd say, "When it comes to breakfast, let's send SEXISM to the back of the bus!"


Robo-Shocker

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Here's an interesting optical illusion. Some people will look at it and see a young woman. Others will see an old lady.

Here's the art for the Sneeze Theme Song. Apparently it is also an interesting optical illusion...

Some people look at it and see an innocent cheerleader pyramid with a robot on top who is too heavy for the girls underneath him. Other people see a robot doing some uncheerleader-like things to his friend on the left.

I really don't believe S. Britt intended to draw it that way, but maybe he did it subconsciously. Maybe it was his way of reminding us that if beauty is in the eye of the beholder then so, too, is a metallic claw in some chick's no-no spot.

I'll double check with him. Until then, I felt it only right to provide some names for the the robot in the dirty version:
- Rub-bot
- The Vagitator 3000
- Robo-It-Doesn't-Matter-If-You're-16-I'm-Made-of-Metal-Tron-Bot

Did you think the drawing was meant to be sexual? The comment board is open closed.

Theme Song!

What better place than the first post of 2008 to unveil the shiny, new Sneeze Theme Song written by one of my all-time favorite bands, Cloud Cult.

When Craig and I first talked about it, he asked what I had in mind. I wasn't exactly sure, but I told him: Around a minute long, minimal lyrics, fun, cool drum beats and a little weird.

Craig TOTALLY came through -- whistling, hand-claps, cheerleaders and all. (And special thanks to Craig's wife Connie for cheering her heart out.)

Presenting: "This is The Sneeze!"


(or download a high-quality MP3)

Unlike our past differences regarding Power Ranger theme songs, my wife and I are firmly united in the profound love we share of this one.

Be sure to check out Cloud Cult at their official site, Cloudcult.com. I've mentioned them many times before, and have received so many nice thank you emails from happy new fans. (I believe this one video helped win a lot of them over.)

And while I'm at it, here's a classic little review of their last album from my son.

(Thanks, Craig! And thanks for the cover art, S. Britt! If you have questions about the cover, you can find S. Britt at Many Haw-Haw's.)

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