March 8, 2007

Where In the World is Carmen San Diego's Finger?

A discussion among my workmates yielded the following question:

"If you could put your finger anywhere in the world, where would you put it?"

Our first thoughts were obviously sexual, but upon further discussion we knew there had to be better choices (maybe) -- and how could one properly take advantage of such an opportunity.

And I should also clarify that we felt it was really all about what your finger is contacting. We overruled answers like, "In a bank vault because then I'd be there and I could steal everything." In the spirit of the question, we have decided to rule out financial gain. (But we did recognize this as being a tricky gray area.) We also agreed this finger placement is a one-time shot.

Some of the decisions my friends landed on were "Inside the President's heart, to stop it" and "Inside Paul McCartney's nose." Regarding Paul's nose, this person felt that "Lots of people could say they've touched Paul McCartney, but who has had their finger in his nose?" He finished this explanation with "That's Beatle Nose -- and that's a big deal."

One person chose "On the pulse of America's youth," which we disqualified on the grounds of being figurative. (And kind of douchy.)

So now I ask you -- If you could put your finger anywhere in the world, where would you put it?

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Posted by Steven | Archive
Comments

Hmm. Is this a one time gig, or could I put my finger anywhere in the world whenever I want? Because if that's the case, I'd like to always be able to put my finger on my car keys. Or wallet.

Posted by: Ben at March 8, 2007 11:35 AM

Hi Steve! I would put my finger on the ark of the covenant, to see if it would kill me!

Posted by: the charitable misanthropist at March 8, 2007 11:38 AM

in one of those chinese finger traps, they're so cool.

Posted by: Monger at March 8, 2007 11:38 AM

Ben,

We have agreed that it's a one-time deal. I added it to the post. Thanks.

Steve

Posted by: Steve at March 8, 2007 11:39 AM

For lack of a better idea, and in light of the one time shot, probably Antarctica, to make that "visit every continent" project easier (not that I am undertaking that project, I hate travel, but I can't think of any other one time places I'd be interested in).

Posted by: Mr. W x at March 8, 2007 11:43 AM

steve: where do you work? are you hiring?

Posted by: wigwam at March 8, 2007 11:43 AM

I would put my finger at the center of the Four Corners Monument, so I could say that my finger has been in 4 states at once.

Posted by: Laura at March 8, 2007 11:44 AM

In lava. Then I'd cool it down real fast and have an obsidian finger. Awesome.

Posted by: drjosh at March 8, 2007 11:47 AM

On the painting on ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. I would replace Adam's hand with my finger.

Posted by: Jordan at March 8, 2007 11:51 AM

I think you picked all the big ones (especially Paul McCartney's nose...GET IT???) but I would say in a bowl of mashed potatoes made by Alton Brown - because I am sure they are DELICIOUS and I would just like to be in the same place where Alton Brown was once - even if it was only with his mixer. PLUS...I get to have a snack after I withdraw said finger.

Posted by: Nicole at March 8, 2007 11:51 AM

I'd put my finger on Mars; Then I'd auction it off on eBay as the 1st interplanetary finger and donate all the money to the US Olympic finger skating team.

Posted by: gymshortz at March 8, 2007 11:52 AM

I'd put it on a Pollack painting. I've always wanted to touch one of those things.

Posted by: bsmith at March 8, 2007 11:54 AM

The bottom of the ocean, because nobody has ever been there.

Posted by: Claudia at March 8, 2007 11:55 AM

"On the pulse of America's youth," completely douchy answer.

I'd place my finger firmly in Hitler's eye. Take that Hitler, there's plenty more where that came from.

Posted by: will at March 8, 2007 11:57 AM

Because I do not like Hitler, there I said it.

Posted by: will at March 8, 2007 11:57 AM

Which finger? Cause that could change the whole meaning of the event.

Posted by: KK at March 8, 2007 12:00 PM

On the Big Red Button. Doesn't really matter which one. Those things are just itchin' to be pushed.

Posted by: KrisPy at March 8, 2007 12:00 PM

In the wedding ring I kept after my divorce, if my ex-wife would agree...

Posted by: Aymeric at March 8, 2007 12:04 PM

On the dinosaur Jr tour vehicle.

Posted by: Debasso fiasco at March 8, 2007 12:04 PM

Can I touch Jesus? Is that in the running?

If not I'd that guy that cheated on me in highschool but it'd be with a finger covered in anthrax.

Posted by: Jenny at March 8, 2007 12:05 PM

I'd love to have my finger "on the button". Then, I'd get one of my friends to stand in front of a large group of people and shout "Do we really want Old Man Duncan with his finger on the button!?". Yeah. That'd be sweet.

Posted by: Dave at March 8, 2007 12:06 PM

I would place my finger on the very tip of Speilberg's ndex finger and say "phone home"

Posted by: Mr. Roboto at March 8, 2007 12:09 PM

On "The Button". Because if anyone is going to have their finger on "The Button" its going to be me.

Posted by: Tim at March 8, 2007 12:10 PM

Crap, beat to it!

Posted by: Tim at March 8, 2007 12:11 PM

In a really big dam that was about to break and save the town below...

Posted by: Jimmerz at March 8, 2007 12:12 PM

With quick reflexes like mine, it only makes sense that I be the one with his finger on the button. More suspense that way.
Sorry Tim. :)

Posted by: Dave at March 8, 2007 12:14 PM

Something that had a "No Fingers" sign, because then I'd laugh at all the people that would say, "I can't put my finger on it."

Posted by: FuzzyWuzzy at March 8, 2007 12:15 PM

I'd definitely definitely put my finger on the gut of President Taft

Posted by: Amanda at March 8, 2007 12:19 PM

i'd leave my finger right where it is - directing my mouse to thesneeze.com

Posted by: Sebastian at March 8, 2007 12:26 PM

I would put my finger over president Bush's lips to stop him from talking. Allthough I would never be able to remove it for fear that he would speak again.

Posted by: Brenda at March 8, 2007 12:27 PM

In cake batter....mmmmm.....cake.

Posted by: sam at March 8, 2007 12:27 PM

I tried to come up with a witty or poignant answer, since I'm widely known for both, but we all know where I'd eventually choose... Halle Berry's left nipple.

And from what I gather, it may not take a magic wish to have that become reality.

Posted by: winki with an i at March 8, 2007 12:29 PM

steve,
i would most assuredly put my finger on the world's tallest bridge at it's highest point. that would be quite the adrenaline rush i do believe.
sincerely,
coby

Posted by: Coby at March 8, 2007 12:30 PM

On the end of Moe's hand, to see how mushy Curly's eyes are.

Posted by: Steve at March 8, 2007 12:31 PM

I'd put my finger two inches in front of Bill O'Reiley's eyes and follow him all day mumbling incessantly "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you".

Posted by: Kelly at March 8, 2007 12:33 PM

I'd put my finger in the gun that shot MLK. Maybe that way he would have been poked instead of killed.

Posted by: RYan at March 8, 2007 12:34 PM

I'd put my finger on the neck of the Loch Ness Monster, then I could say "HAHA!" to all the crackpots who have only gotten blurry photos.

Posted by: Barb at March 8, 2007 12:34 PM

So, is the rest of my hand and body attached to the finger, or is it just the finger teleporting anywhere in the world?

Hmmmm, I'm going to think on this one.

Posted by: Alex at March 8, 2007 12:34 PM

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS ONE VERY LONG! THE ONLY PLACE I REALLY EVER WANT MY FINGER IS IN MY DAUGHTERS HAND. SO SHE WILL ALWAYS KNOW THAT MOMMY IS NEAR AND SHE IS DEAR.

Posted by: LAFFINATU at March 8, 2007 12:38 PM

I would put my finger on Jimmy Hoffa, or Kennedy's real killer.

Posted by: Mike at March 8, 2007 12:39 PM

On the tip of the world's knife. It's about to fall in the wrong direction anyway, I might as well try pushing it the other way to see if we could come out with a better outcome.

Shoot, that's figurative.

Ummm... On the handle of AEsahaetter. Freedom. :)

Posted by: Ian at March 8, 2007 12:41 PM

Being Venezuelan, i would put, or rather, JAM my finger in Chavez's wort (he has one big nasty wort in his forehead) for we believe that's he's brain and power source.

Posted by: Lily at March 8, 2007 12:45 PM

I could be really vulgar and talk about putting a finger in the most notorious of body cavities, but... yeah.

So... on Stephen Colbert!

Posted by: Daria at March 8, 2007 12:47 PM

Inside one of those gel candles- all the stores by me hang up little "Do Not Poke The Gel Candles" signs. :P

Posted by: Melissa at March 8, 2007 12:48 PM

Where should i place my finger? no clue lettmee think.
i'f i could not withdrew it maybe in the love of my lifes shoulder or something so i can say "i will always be with you" but seeing a finger on somebodys shoulder might be a bit creepy.
if it must be a place then..
in a wendy's chili cup
THATS GOTTA BE THE COOLEST PRANK EVER!!
as long as it isnt bitten

Posted by: Cassie at March 8, 2007 12:48 PM

provided there is no caveat as to WHICH finger...

and provided the magic also allows me to take over all television and video feeds world wide...

i would be proud to be able to say that i was able to give the whole world the bird.

or perhaps i'd just have it hold down the "backspace" or "delete" key (if she's a mac-er) on any keyboard that ann coulter happens to be using at any given time.

Posted by: the EYE at March 8, 2007 12:48 PM

My butt itches. I think I would scratch it.

Posted by: Chode at March 8, 2007 1:05 PM

I would put my finger on any button or lever in the space shuttle just prior to take-off so I could travel to space and put my finger on something (or anything) up there.

Posted by: DMM at March 8, 2007 1:09 PM

1. I'd put it ON ITSELF, just to piss the universe off by making two objects occupy the same point on the space/time continuum. Nyah nyah!

2. On one of the members of Ween. "Can't Put My Finger On It", indeed.

3. Up Fred Phelps', erm, rear aperture. The dude obviously has some PRETTY SEVERE HANG-UPS about that area, and I (and my finger) would be willing to take one for the team just to make him confront them and shut up already.

Posted by: Jul at March 8, 2007 1:10 PM

On a killer space station on Europa (one of the moons of Jupiter). Because - c'mon - SPACE!!

Posted by: Lise at March 8, 2007 1:18 PM

on the top of the popes hat....
it needs no explantion

Posted by: Dani at March 8, 2007 1:22 PM

On a sticky stack of 20,000 $100 bills.

Posted by: John English at March 8, 2007 1:22 PM

I would put my middle finger in the face of my boss with a sticky note attached marked I Quit!!

You KNOW I'll be here again tomorrow tho!! :(

Posted by: Nate at March 8, 2007 1:24 PM

On that prize in the crane game that I can never get!
Damn stuffed monkey!

Posted by: Paul at March 8, 2007 1:28 PM

on Jessica Simpson's boobs :|

Posted by: ovisebdan at March 8, 2007 1:29 PM

I don't have any fingers. They were eaten by a egret.

Posted by: rasha at March 8, 2007 1:34 PM

I like the idea of putting it in someone's aorta, but I'm torn between Dick Cheney and my middle-school basketball coach.

Posted by: Mo at March 8, 2007 1:34 PM

In the middle of the primordial goo to give it a swirl and maybe enough of my messed up DNA to ruin the good time for everyone else.

Posted by: Crow at March 8, 2007 1:35 PM

In the Precious!

Posted by: Gollum at March 8, 2007 1:37 PM

In Elmer Fudd's gun, doc.

Posted by: Bugs Bunny at March 8, 2007 1:38 PM

J-Los arse would be attractive, if only for the bragging rights.

Posted by: Ali at March 8, 2007 1:40 PM

I'd put my finger on the elbow of the same arm. Without breaking anything.

Posted by: Paul at March 8, 2007 1:41 PM

i would put my finger in Donald Trump's hair, to see what it is really made of! i don't think the Don himself even touches it, for fear it may jump off his head and try to take over the world.

Posted by: reggie at March 8, 2007 1:43 PM

well, I can't believe there are no Dutch jokes yet, but it's only a matter of time.

I would put my finger in the wind - unless it was pissing out, 'cause some metaphors ought never be mixed. You would mock my spineless pandering, failing to appreciate that this empty gesture has secured all the best dynasties.

Years later, I'd make a secret visit to the gulag, poke you through the bars, and whisper "how many fingers, Winston?". Then, in a rare moment of lucidity, you'd remember about the gangrene, and we'd have a chuckle. But not as hard as we'd laugh over the subsequent installment of "Steve, Don't Eat It".

Posted by: snickersnee at March 8, 2007 1:44 PM

Twenty-six inches down Ann Coulter's throat.

Posted by: Chuck-Bob at March 8, 2007 1:44 PM

I don't know...some sort of button?

Posted by: chris at March 8, 2007 1:47 PM

It is in my butt right now.

Posted by: Max at March 8, 2007 1:47 PM

I would put my finger on a pedestal in a glass box in the middle of Times Square with a small placard that reads "Why Not?"

Posted by: Jen at March 8, 2007 2:04 PM

on a Tigon or Ligers head, I've always wanted to touch one of them, they are so cute, although I prefer the Tigons over the ligers..

Posted by: Kathy at March 8, 2007 2:08 PM

If I could choose which finger, I would choose my pointer finger and have it wave back and force reproachfully in front of G Dub's beady little eyes.

Posted by: Caren at March 8, 2007 2:09 PM

i'm in toronto - if i could put my finger somewhere warm and sunny right now i'd be happy.

Posted by: shelley at March 8, 2007 2:09 PM

I'd probably put my finger on the tree brain, only because I can't decide if it's squishy or hard. And tree brain is more exciting than "the button"

Posted by: Heather at March 8, 2007 2:16 PM

In the hot sand of a white beach somewhere where the water is bottle blue.

Posted by: Carmen M. at March 8, 2007 2:22 PM

a) blocking the little swimmer that created Bush

b) on hiltler's barber's hand so that i could give hitler a mullet

c)in Kenny G's saxaphone, so he can't make music ever again

Posted by: Joy at March 8, 2007 2:32 PM

Through the Pillsbury Dough Boy. He might be cute and squishy, but it's about time someone really had the guts to go through with it.

Posted by: MrAjax at March 8, 2007 2:34 PM

On the pop top of a can of Miller Lite. Right here at work.

Posted by: Mac at March 8, 2007 2:38 PM

On the top of a Corona bottle before I tipped it to move the lime through the cool, golden liquid. Mmmmmm.

Posted by: Rob B. at March 8, 2007 2:38 PM

1) I don't bout you, but I think Shakira's belly button needs a finger in it.

2) Recalling a certain chocolate covered pretzel offered up by Jason Lee in MallRats... "Good to meet you Mr. President"

Posted by: jeleyman at March 8, 2007 2:44 PM

Going with the popular idea of sticking it to someone, be it the man or other, Id place my finger on MC Hammer, because yes, I can touch this.

Posted by: James at March 8, 2007 2:44 PM

After licking my finger, to make it wet; I would stick it in the air at the North Pole to see which direction the wind is blowing from.

Oh wait....duh, it's coming from the south.

Posted by: jason at March 8, 2007 2:59 PM

I WOULD TOTALLY PUT MY FINGER ON A BOX FISH.

have you seen those?
you know you wanna put your finger on it too.

Posted by: Angela M at March 8, 2007 3:04 PM

on the "any" key

Posted by: Jennifer at March 8, 2007 3:06 PM

I would go with the brain tree or the Bowl of chilli. Or a Brain tree covered in Chilli!

Posted by: redrobin at March 8, 2007 3:27 PM

On the trigger of a gun pointed at Osama Bin Laden. Boo-Yeah! Beat that one, people.

Posted by: Rocky at March 8, 2007 3:30 PM

Into a powdered-sugar covered jelly donut. And then pull it out looking all bloody.
No wait, that's what I'm doing now.
How about into the all-seeing eye. Not the Mordor one, but the one on U.S. money. Even if it didn't upset the natural order of things, it would at least drive conspiracy theorists crazy.

Posted by: twmangrove at March 8, 2007 3:30 PM

In a jar of pickles, of course!

Posted by: Marky Mark at March 8, 2007 3:31 PM

MC Hammer... then I'd say, "I touched it." and giggle at my lame-ness.

Posted by: Tracy at March 8, 2007 3:34 PM

I'd follow in the footsteps of the amazing Arlo Guthrie and put it in the air!

Posted by: Pablowog at March 8, 2007 3:41 PM

Ringo's nose. Why should Paul's little nose have that kind of attention when Ringo's schnoz could house several families?

Posted by: Trini at March 8, 2007 3:43 PM

I've done the four corners thing and its not as cool as it sounds.

For me it would be in a jar of some funky Korean snack that way I could be the topic of the next Steve Don't Eat It. (which is WAY over due by the way. I seem to recall being promised one during the 2005 Thanksgiving. (Good god it's sad I know that.)) sniff, sniff, cry, then sleep.

Posted by: Scott at March 8, 2007 3:51 PM

I'd put my finger on Gerard Butler's lips.

Posted by: Denise at March 8, 2007 4:05 PM

On top of Britney Spears' fuzzy little head! I bet it feels like the bear on Snuggle commercials.

Posted by: Matticus at March 8, 2007 4:18 PM

a cloud..duh.
who hasn't wanted to touch one?

Posted by: sam at March 8, 2007 4:26 PM

In all of the "Steve, Don't Eat It" entrees.

Posted by: Fish at March 8, 2007 4:38 PM

Over the lips of Judas

Posted by: Nick at March 8, 2007 4:39 PM

Is the body still attached to the finger, or is it going anywhere via some sort of portal that can only fit a finger?

If it's only the finger, I guess I'd put my finger at the top of Mount Everest for a second, and gloat that I accomplished the task with virtually no effort. I might also stick it in a black hole, but that's not anywhere in the WORLD now, is it?

If my body is indeed still fully attached, then I'd pick Japan, because I've always wanted to go there. If I can pick mythical areas, I'd totally put my finger in the midst of the lobby scene from The Matrix. How awesome would that be?

Posted by: Niedec at March 8, 2007 4:40 PM

at the tip of lightning

Posted by: shiv at March 8, 2007 4:50 PM

You know the saying that goes something like "there's something wrong here but I can't quite put my finger on it"... Well that's exactly where my finger would be just so I can smile and say "I can."

Posted by: Mattbot at March 8, 2007 5:06 PM

Ok, so I read everyone's comments, and they're all good,,,,,well, in their own little warped way. I've thought long and hard, well I've thought long....ok, so I've thought. I think if I had to pick a place for one of my fingers to be for a one time event.....I would want my finger to be.......ummm.....on my hand. Yeah. Cause why should that one finger get to have all the fun....the other fingers would get jealous and I might suffer that phantom limb thingy, and that would suck....so if my finger is goin anywhere, it better take the rest of me with it. And if it's taking me anywhere,,I hope it choses any place where Tom Welling may be. :)

Posted by: Amy at March 8, 2007 5:12 PM

In a meat grinder, 'cause I'm crazy like that!

Posted by: John at March 8, 2007 5:20 PM

In the sand on a beach in Belize and I would never leave.

RE: The four corners monument comment... I've been there. Not even remotely as mind blowing as you would think. In fact, it's kinda disappointing. Like when you go to Disneyland as an adult and realize everything's a third the size you thought it was and goofy kinda smells like vomit. It is a small world after all. A small, small world :(

Posted by: Leasa at March 8, 2007 5:42 PM

Hmmm...either the Pilsbury Doughboy's stomach (heehee) or in front of the lens of everyone's camera so my finger would be in EVERY picture! WORLD DOMINATION!!!!

Posted by: Helga at March 8, 2007 5:43 PM

On the button. What button, you ask?


THE BUTTON.

Posted by: Brent Constantin at March 8, 2007 5:44 PM

Haha I would put my finger in !!

How is it funny to say you want to kill someone like that..

Oh, where would I put my finger? Anywhere that could have stopped 9/11...

Posted by: Micah at March 8, 2007 5:49 PM

Dick Cheney's wind pipe

Posted by: ME at March 8, 2007 5:57 PM

About a year ago there was a discovery documentary about king arthur, and they said that he most definately did exist. The challenge was whether his story came from a roman equivalent of a monarchal lord or was he a person of the native people? This got me to thinking...

If I could put my finger any place in the world, it would be remains of the man behind the story of King Aurthur and the knights of he round table.

That would be really cool AND historically significant.

Posted by: Dave the Ninja at March 8, 2007 6:04 PM

On the Mona Lisa or The Last supper. Who else can say they've touched those paintings?

Posted by: Caroline at March 8, 2007 6:07 PM

I think I'd have my finger be in the background of every movie ever made. Is that a legal one? I don't know. But I'm doing it anyways.

Posted by: Ruth at March 8, 2007 6:07 PM

(you spelled "explanation" wrong, Steve. Just so you know)

Uh, I was gonna go with John's nose, but Trini kinda beat me to another beatle. (A much better choice, as well, I just say. Ringo's nostrils are like coliseums on the 'REVOLVER' cover [though, I suppose it's an illustration].)

I guess I'd have to poke out the eyes of all the newscasters reporting Anna Nicole Smith's death and trial at unnecessary lengths; I don't think we need to hear about her on every television show (not that I watch much television -- I don't think we're missing much) every half-hour.

Posted by: Kegan at March 8, 2007 6:08 PM

I would use my magical finger to gently apply lip gloss to Estella Warren.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005535/

Oh, Estella, when will you smile?

Best,
Mr. Parx

Posted by: Mr. Parx at March 8, 2007 6:09 PM

My one true love. And then be disappointed because I'm not there with it.

Posted by: Phil at March 8, 2007 6:10 PM

hah, I made a spelling mistake of my own.

that's meant to be "I must say" in those first parentheses.

Posted by: Kegan at March 8, 2007 6:11 PM

Claudia, I have put my finger on the bottom of the ocean. Fortunately, it was only about 130 feet deep in that particular spot.

Posted by: Dave at March 8, 2007 6:13 PM

"i'd leave my finger right where it is - directing my mouse to thesneeze.com"

Is a$$ kissing even allowed?? I thought this was a blog about fingers!

Speaking of which... I would definitely put mine in the last place I looked. (Cause that's where you always find things).

Posted by: Big Will at March 8, 2007 6:16 PM

There's a bitchy/spazzy girl I know. I'd put my finger up her ass to see what kind of bug crawled up in there. Then I'd take my fingernail and stab...HARD.

Posted by: Ruth at March 8, 2007 6:18 PM

I would use it to push the Staples 'Easy Button'. That thing is sooooo cool. I really, really want one.

Posted by: Waylon at March 8, 2007 6:20 PM

This is a tough one. I feel like I should say something profound, but what I really would like to do is put my finger on any part of Anderson Cooper.

Posted by: Olive at March 8, 2007 6:25 PM

I would use my finger to help put on my pants, obviously.

Posted by: Zach at March 8, 2007 6:25 PM

on the constitution
i mean nobody gets to touch that...without gloves of course

Posted by: Ivy at March 8, 2007 6:36 PM

In Paris Hilton's eye. Either one, I don't care if it's the human one or the droopy one. But I would love to say I poked that skank in the eye.

Posted by: erin at March 8, 2007 6:38 PM

I would definately agree with the Paul McCartney's nose one. Paul McCartney is awesome and his nose is probably even cooler.

Posted by: 2kool4you at March 8, 2007 6:40 PM

in the center of the sun i know it might hurt but then the universe really would revolve around me i think it already does but i am just stuck on myself that way don't get arngry at me everbody else is revolving around me too not just you YES THAT WAS A GOOD ONE

Posted by: dummmerthanu at March 8, 2007 6:47 PM

I'd put it on my car's dashboard right where the jerk who just cut me off while driving could see it.

Posted by: drdarcy at March 8, 2007 6:58 PM

Steve,

You'll never go anywhere in life until you learn to pick things up and putting them in your mouth. Truly, sir, you are an inspiration.

Posted by: mongo at March 8, 2007 7:20 PM

Anywhere upon Scarlett Johansson...

Posted by: Matty at March 8, 2007 7:44 PM

"Anywhere upon Scarlett Johansson..."

I second the motion.

May my finger join yours?

Posted by: Li'l drummer boy at March 8, 2007 7:48 PM

I'd make my finger really big with some kind of comic-book-radiation gun, and then put it on Antarctica, so that it would look like I was spinning the world. Then I would shrink said finger, and use it to show people satillite pictures of it spinning the globe.

Posted by: strongbadia7 at March 8, 2007 7:49 PM

I would put my finger on top of Steve's son's head at the exact moment the whole "pickles" phenomenon made it's way out of his mouth and into the hearts of every single reader of The Sneeze. Thanks for the non-stop laughter, kid. You are indeed one of the gifted in this crazy world.

Posted by: Kwerk at March 8, 2007 8:08 PM

I would put my finger on the Easy Button.

DO MY HOMEWORK BUTTON!

Posted by: Amy at March 8, 2007 8:10 PM

Obviously Steve. I would put my finger on you. Not so much "on" you as against you. Or maybe against your finger. We could rub fingers like that vulcan thingy from Star Trek III. You know what I'm talking about.

Posted by: Glen at March 8, 2007 8:21 PM

Straight into the eye of my noisy dorm neighbor who thinks that every Thursday night is a swell time to get drunk. ("I have class at 9 tomorrow - take that!")

Posted by: Hannah at March 8, 2007 9:00 PM

After I pull it out of my nose I'll put it back in my bum. That's where it belongs. Silly.

Posted by: Mike Browne at March 8, 2007 9:24 PM

I would put my finger.. hmmm.. I assume you want an actual place, that exists right now. Not in the past or the future. Then my answer would be....On Sting's amp during the Police reunion tour. Then, I'd get a stage view of the show. Screw what I could tell people, I wanna see a kick a$$ show!!!

Posted by: Nicodemus at March 8, 2007 9:26 PM

I would put my left pointer finger on the very end of my right pointer finger, so that i could point twice as far...

Posted by: brian at March 8, 2007 9:50 PM

I'd put my finger on my forehead, just below my hairline, slightly to the left of my right eye.

Why? Because it itches slightly.

Hey--I just did it!

Posted by: Ben Scripps at March 8, 2007 9:52 PM

in Jesus' nail-pierced hands

Posted by: Duane at March 8, 2007 10:04 PM

Inside one of those oversized "We're #1" gloves you can find at sporting arenas.

Because, well, "We're #1"!

Posted by: Chris at March 8, 2007 10:05 PM

First, I think the most warmhearted, sweetest answer thus far has been, "In my daughter's hand, so she will always know that Mommy is near and she is dear."

MY answer, however, is: Deep inside the vagina of that Katherine McPhee chick from last year's American Idol.

If you cannot provide Miss McPhee, I will also accept the vagina of any college cheerleader, preferably a freshman or sophomore.

Steve, when do you think this might happen? Please let me know so I can clear my schedule and rinse my finger.

Posted by: Bob at March 8, 2007 10:23 PM

In many pies.

Posted by: Kiefo at March 8, 2007 10:23 PM

That's a dangerous question to ask, like any "where" question. We have a silly game in my circle of friends that any "where" question gets answered "up your ass". You quickly become paranoid. If in a public place, the "up your ass" can easily be communicated with a simple grin that your interlocutor will immedialtely understand. After a short while, you become an expert at never asking "where". It is then time to introduce the second part of the game: answer any "who" question with "my ass". And so on.
Try it. I'm sure you'll love it.

Posted by: Boudin at March 8, 2007 10:31 PM

The tip of Michael Nesmith's nose (and I thought of this before I read the whole "Beatle nose" thing. Honest!)

Posted by: Sally Villarreal at March 8, 2007 10:46 PM

easy. oprah's amniotic sac. it can cure leprosy.

Posted by: tommy boy at March 8, 2007 11:09 PM

I would use my disembodied finger to tap everyones left shoulder at once, Take that suckers, there was totally no one behind you! HA! Ok that wasn't as cool as I thought it would be, besides that quite a few places, perhaps a rule violation...

I would say... I would place my finger inside of a microwave, I always wanted to know what that would feel like, but they are just too small to fit myself in there. And I am curious what human flesh tastes like, I may have to eat it afterward, hopefully the nerves are dead at that point.

Posted by: Spencer at March 8, 2007 11:22 PM

My finger would be on the left mouse button where the cursor is hovering over "Post."

Posted by: Christine at March 8, 2007 11:42 PM

Inside someone's lung. Not to cause anyone harm, but just because I bet lungs have a sweet consistency.

Posted by: Anne at March 9, 2007 12:41 AM

wow, only one vagina one!

I'd run my finger down every single one of those hot muscley spartans I just watched at the midnite Imax showing of 300!

great movie btw

Posted by: jen at March 9, 2007 1:17 AM

In some delicious ice cream.

Posted by: Ryan at March 9, 2007 3:01 AM

I would surgically attach my finger to "Thing" from the Addams Family. How much better would that show have been if Thing was a 6 fingered disembodied hand?

Posted by: Nat at March 9, 2007 3:18 AM

I don't know about my finger, but would the rest of you please place your disembodied fingers on my head so that i could have a really cool medusa style hairdoo? Then if we Choreographed a finger dance and all did it at the same time that would totally look cool. To anyone who wants to join my group we will rotate the fingerdoo to another one of us daily so we could all have a chance to be cool like that.

Steve start a sign up sheet please.

Posted by: dummmerthanu at March 9, 2007 3:31 AM

What Giochi Flash meant to say, is that he has a place for his finger, but the space is currently being occupied by his tiny little head.

Posted by: Li'l drummer boy at March 9, 2007 3:37 AM

Good lookin' out Dave the Ninja!!

Except now we all know that you will click on anything that has the word 'porno' in it!

(Where's YOUR finger right now??)

Posted by: Big Will at March 9, 2007 3:40 AM

I hate visiting art museums with my wife. She is ALWAYS touching the paintings, especially those of Francois Boucher who is/was a distant relation. She has also touched a Monet. They're not ALL wired with proximity detectors, people!

I'd put my finger in the eye of everyone who politicized this thread. I come to The Sneeze to escape that crap!

Posted by: The Big Digit at March 9, 2007 4:00 AM

...On my bacon wallet, of course!!!


Der.

Posted by: McStratman at March 9, 2007 4:44 AM

I dont want you to put a finger anywhere how about you pull my finger !!!!

Im gettin stomach cramps

Posted by: keb55 at March 9, 2007 5:01 AM

On that blasted hard-to-find muffler bearing that the car needs. :-)

Posted by: brandy at March 9, 2007 5:03 AM

anywhere in Ivan Basso's bike shorts, of course while he was in them too. finger on the pulse of america's youth? what the hell does that mean? sounds like a pediphile to me.

Posted by: Aliènne at March 9, 2007 5:42 AM

I would put my finger on the exact spot where Moses received the law from God and Abraham almost sacrificed Isaac - just to finally settle it once and for all. Except then we'd probably have a whole new list of problems, wouldn't we?

Posted by: dan at March 9, 2007 5:47 AM

I'd put my finger in a fish tank with a lone piranha. Just to see what will happen.

Posted by: Iris at March 9, 2007 5:58 AM

I would put my finger in a light socket, or an electrical socket because you can't..

Posted by: Debi at March 9, 2007 6:00 AM

I would put my finger in Kim Jong Il's pie (or other food he was about to consume) just to see if he would nuke somebody over it.

And pie is warm.

Posted by: Sabrina at March 9, 2007 6:11 AM

I'd pop my finger in Osama Bin Laden's ear, wiggle it,.... then remove what ever is making him so damn grouchy, give it a rest Osama, no one's interested.

Posted by: englishbob at March 9, 2007 6:11 AM

I would be very picky about where to put my finger. I would probably wedge it firmly into a mailbox, see where it goes in the world, and then listen to the last person to see it say, "Wtf is this thing??"

Posted by: Lark at March 9, 2007 6:14 AM

If finger is still attached, I would put it on the Christ Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro.

Unattached, in a Taco Bell taco. I don't know why. But with Fire Sauce.

Posted by: Lizzzz at March 9, 2007 6:18 AM

on estelle getty's chocolate starfish.

Posted by: walter at March 9, 2007 6:19 AM

I'd like to poke the belly of the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Posted by: Whizbang at March 9, 2007 6:20 AM

I'd put my finger on an elephant's trunk, just because I've wanted to do that since I was a kid.

Posted by: ellen at March 9, 2007 6:31 AM

Inside a black olive, just like when I was 4.

Posted by: Burt R. at March 9, 2007 6:32 AM

I would put my finger up the Queen's pooter. And I would make sure The Sun was there.

Posted by: Matt at March 9, 2007 6:32 AM

If time has no issue, I would place my finger on the delete key of the keyboard controlling the entry of the 9/11 terrorists, denying them access to board the plane.

Or maybe the trigger of the gun, pointed at the mother of Hitler.

Posted by: Jay at March 9, 2007 6:39 AM


Wow, people will use any forum for political talk I guess.

I'd like to think I had some really profound answer...but most likely in some girls boobs.

She'd be hot though.

Posted by: Kane at March 9, 2007 6:44 AM


The hot girl at the coffee shop by my work.

There. Done.

Posted by: Kane at March 9, 2007 6:45 AM

Your mom...

Posted by: Timmay at March 9, 2007 6:56 AM

I would first LICK the finger & then give a gigantic WET WILLY to every single person I could find!!!!!!!!!!!!! MWHAHAHAHA........... :0

Posted by: Funnimum at March 9, 2007 6:56 AM

Mr. Roboto FTW!

Posted by: JT at March 9, 2007 7:08 AM

When I think of this I imagine that it is just my finger, that somehow magically the rest of me is sitting on my couch and my finger is just teleported somewhere else for a brief period of time.

I would wait until the perfect moment, when someone is giving some great speech or other announcement of interest. (State of the union comes to mind) then I'd put my (gloved) finger right up their butt while watching them speak on the TV just so I could get a good laugh.

Posted by: Josh at March 9, 2007 7:09 AM

Down Bea Arthur's pants....just to be sure.

Posted by: Shawn at March 9, 2007 7:14 AM

On Colin Farrell's erect "member". I understand he's packing.

Posted by: Gwen in Texas at March 9, 2007 7:18 AM

I'm not sure I want to: 1) just put a finger somewhere. I mean, what if I really want to go too? I'd be so jealous....stupid finger. 2) feel the pain of just losing a finger. Ouch.

Posted by: Dana at March 9, 2007 7:18 AM

Hmmm....Let's see....I'd put my finger in that little biatch of a meter maid's heart who is always giving me tickets for forgetting to feed the meter! I really hate her.

Posted by: Enron at March 9, 2007 7:18 AM

I would place my finger in place of one of Jimi Hendrix's fingers - right or left hand, it doesn't matter - just so I can experience true genius once in my lifetime. But then that might be weird 'cause I'm a white dude and then everybody would be going up to Jimi asking, "Hey man, what's with the finger?" But Jimi would play it down like it was no big thing and then cut loose on All Along the Watchtower.
That would be awesome!
Though anywhere on the body of Natalie Portman or Eva Mendes would be pretty sweet too.

Posted by: Odist at March 9, 2007 7:20 AM

Most likely I'd want to put my finger in one of the following places - and they're tied:

1. In bubble wrap. I love that stuff.
2. In that wet green stuff people stick flowers in.
3. Into the back of a window air conditioner to write my name in its warpy little coily things.

Posted by: D-Dog at March 9, 2007 7:21 AM

I'd hang around a tattoo parlor. Then at the right moment, my finger would tickle the tattoo artist.
Man that would never get old.

Posted by: J. at March 9, 2007 7:32 AM

On my wifes heart, so I can say I truely touched it (her).

Posted by: Matt at March 9, 2007 7:59 AM

Also on Miss Johansson...but don't let our fingers touch...because that would be awkwardly gay.

I'd also like to poke Joan Rivers behind the ear until something pops loose.

Posted by: drop D at March 9, 2007 8:07 AM

I'd poke the pillsbury doughboy in his belly.. TEE FU**ING HEE!

Posted by: KKB at March 9, 2007 8:18 AM

on my kids first loose tooth. and push real hard. man, that thing has been hangin on for weeks.

Posted by: grrlmonster at March 9, 2007 8:29 AM

Try as I might to come up with something witty or clever, I end up coming back to one answer:

Kate Winslet.

Posted by: Mike at March 9, 2007 8:33 AM

I would definitely give Frankenstein's monster a wet will and then run like hell.

Posted by: peyton at March 9, 2007 8:50 AM

Ha! what about a wet willy.
though wet will sounds interesting, i don't know if I want to give one to ol' Frankie.

Posted by: peyton at March 9, 2007 8:51 AM

Hi you all!
if it were only one thing, I would like to put my finger on one thing:
Hitler's one ball(wearing hygienic equipment, of course), to squeeze REALLY REALLY REALLY hard, with the might of all the jews and other people who REALLY REALLY REALLY hate Hitler, and watch him wriggles in pain and screams German curses in a high-tone-little-arian girl pitch.
That would be satisfactory, indeed.

Posted by: Yanay at March 9, 2007 9:15 AM

So even though somebody said it already, I totally agree. I want my finger anywhere in the vacinity of Alton Brown (especially if the rest of me can be there too).

He's just so rediculously awesome.

Posted by: Lizzy at March 9, 2007 9:16 AM

if i was allowed to know where the finger was at all times.... i would put my finger on either waldo or carmen sandiego, thereby solving the age old question of either wheres waldo or where in the world is carmen sandiego....... then i would hold the information hostage until i was payed large sums of money

Posted by: mik at March 9, 2007 9:28 AM

I want my finger to go out and have fun ... returm home and let me SMELL IT .. so I can guess where it has been ....

does that make be a bad person ?

Posted by: Hey NOw ! at March 9, 2007 9:40 AM

to poke my eyes out or on the switch to kill myself after watching Pickles: THE MUSICAL!

That was the dummest thing i ever saw and I will never have those minutes back !

Posted by: Tom Brady at March 9, 2007 9:43 AM

I'd put my finger on a dictionary for all the illiterate bloggers who should pass second grade spelling before they post indecipherable responses to extremely cool questions.

Posted by: Auntie Kel at March 9, 2007 10:02 AM

Steve,
Which finger are we talking about here? If it's the right one, I'd be happy to land it either at the White House or possibly just on Washington D.C. in general.

Posted by: The Diceman at March 9, 2007 10:22 AM

Shouldn't the real question be, "Where wouldn't you put your finger?

Posted by: Craig at March 9, 2007 11:38 AM

Seriously people - how in the WORLD did Alton Brown's name make it in here? Get a life!

Now if we're taking about that beautiful Italian woman on the Food Network, that's different....

Posted by: Matt at March 9, 2007 12:06 PM

Finger UNATTACHED in this PHYSICAL WORLD: On my back to be able to itch that place I can never reach! (or in the Queen's tea)

Finger ATTACHED in this PHYSICAL WORLD: On the great pyramid, at the VERY VERY tippy top.

Finger UNATTACHED in the MYTHICAL WORLD: through the looking glass.

Finger ATTACHED in the MYTHICAL world: Through a wormhole like one of those on TNG. (you are a nerd like me if you know what TNG is)

***Plz note that even tho the finger is UNATTACHED it is still able to be controlled by my mind, and is not a lifeless lump 'o' finger sitting there, or lying there. (hence the scratching on the back)

***Plz also note that I do not mean ill toward the Queen, it's just that a little surprise every now and then is well, healthy. Even if it is a finger in your tea. Good to keep the old blood moving through.

***Plz also ALSO note that once the finger is UNATTACHED I would like it back,
(after it is done doing what it is doing)

thank you very much!

Posted by: Sid at March 9, 2007 12:16 PM

Something that resembles the goopy stuff in the Stargate portal (http://www.kwcc.com/works/ff/images/spadergate2_hicon.jpg).

That effect has been used with going through mirrors in lots of other science fiction movies, but I can't think of any others off hand. Anyway, that means it's probably based off of secret government technology.

Posted by: berzet at March 9, 2007 12:54 PM

Wise man once said:

Man with itchy bum
has smelly finger!

Posted by: Ponte at March 9, 2007 12:56 PM

This one's for Leasa, because her post was so sad:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=g1qXI_phrgk&mode=related&search=

I hope you cheer up, Leasa! (It's only because I could relate to your Disney comments TOO well, ya know....)

Posted by: happy vlogger at March 9, 2007 1:10 PM

Patrick Dempsey's glorious hair.

Alternatively, a baby panda's nose.

Posted by: Elise at March 9, 2007 1:30 PM

I would stick my finger up the Dali Lama's nose.

Why?

So I could eat his boogers of enlightenment.

Posted by: Matt at March 9, 2007 1:45 PM

On the Pilsbury Doughboy's belly

Posted by: Tom at March 9, 2007 2:04 PM

I know where...I just can't put finger on it right now...

Posted by: Bobsled at March 9, 2007 2:20 PM

I'd put my finger in that gap between Condoleeza Rice's front teeth as a means of telling her she has enough money to find a proper dentist and get that busted up shit fixed!

Posted by: Drew at March 9, 2007 3:24 PM

On Nikki Sixx's sexy tattoo covered body.

Posted by: Sherrill at March 9, 2007 4:24 PM

Forget Paul Mcartney, I want my finger up my own nose indefinitely, so i can get every single booger out forever.

Posted by: Maximus at March 9, 2007 4:57 PM

On "the button" being held by the pillsbury dough boy wedged up the nose of someone hot. Am I original yet?

Posted by: Mattbot at March 9, 2007 5:28 PM

I'd jab my finger firmly in Dick Cheney's chest. Now you LISTEN to me, Dickie, STOP ACTING LIKE SATAN.

or, alternatively, I'd put it in my Yorkie's mouth, since he likes to chew on it anyway.

Posted by: kit at March 9, 2007 6:45 PM

I'd put my finger in an afro. I've always wanted to touch a real afro.

Posted by: Beth at March 9, 2007 7:04 PM

Through the painting and canvas of the Mona Lisa.

'Cause other great art could be in its place.

Also how fucking awesome would that be?

Oh you touched the Mona Lisa?

Oh you painted the Mona Lisa?

Well I desecrated and broke the goddamn Mona Lisa!

Posted by: Will at March 9, 2007 8:55 PM

My fingers and I discussed this at dinner tonight. After some infighting and nasty sign language, we narrowed the field to three choices:

1) On a-ha's keyboard during the keyboard chorus hook in their "Take on Me" video
2) On a praline
3) Backstage at Mamma Mia, dressed as a young Carol Channing

Gay pinky.

Posted by: Paddy at March 9, 2007 10:28 PM

I'd think up a way of ripping out Fergie's oespopagus as payment for that 'fergalicious' song. Take that bitch.

Posted by: rachel at March 10, 2007 12:49 AM

I'd also poke the guy in the eye that said he'd touch Eva Mendes. eww. She's gross.

I'd stroke Caine lovingly. you dont need to know who that is. It would just be exquisite to touch him. then I'd write him some poetry to really freak him out. He's hot. touched by the hand of god, as it were, since we're on the lines of fingers and hands.

dammmn.

Posted by: rachel at March 10, 2007 1:35 AM

In custard, fully submerged until some innocent custard eater happens by. Then, "YAH!" Up it would pop out of the custard, scaring them witless! yeah, that would be cool! :-)

Posted by: Muffy at March 10, 2007 1:37 AM

I'd have to take my finger and put it on the pilsbury dough boy's belly button just to see if he does go 'ooh' or if in fact he would be quite mean to me and abusive as I'm pretty sure that his nice guy image is all for TV...

Posted by: Random Dave at March 10, 2007 3:03 AM

On the trigger of Dick Cheney's shotgun, because apparently it's magical and you can shoot people in the face and get away with it.

Posted by: Poppacheese at March 10, 2007 6:15 AM

1) On the lamp of a magic wish granting genie.

2) On the "go" button of a time machine tuned to the summer of 1983, I was nine....ahhhh to be nine again.

3) On the shoulder of the person who can help me publish my already built website for free, that's supposed to be so easy...

4) I have to potty, I shall ponder this further there, where all thinking goes most smoothly.

Posted by: Mommacheese at March 10, 2007 6:24 AM

I would put my finger over president Bush's lips to stop him from talking. Allthough I would never be able to remove it for fear that he would speak again.

I'm with Brenda.

Posted by: SPIIDERWEB™ at March 10, 2007 6:45 AM

I would put it in Dakota Fannings ass

Posted by: Alex Gennette at March 10, 2007 8:25 AM

I think it's quite strange that so many people want to send their finger back in time.

Posted by: Kristyn at March 10, 2007 10:03 AM

On the cut-signal button on Capital Hill whenever Nancy Pelosi or some other brain-dead, baby killing Democrat steps to the podium.

Posted by: Not a Democ-RAT at March 10, 2007 10:57 AM

What's wrong with Eva Mend...Oww, My eye!

Hey, she's not gross, she's ho...Owww! Damnit! What's wrong with you?

Geez. Fine, so I won't put my finger on Eva Mendes....Owww! For Christ's sake, stop it already!

Posted by: Odist at March 10, 2007 11:36 AM

I'm with the guy/girl who would put their finger in Paul McCartney's nose. Anybody who's touched him or talked to him or even done the horizontal monster-mash with him is part of no small minority, but I can't think of anybody who's claimed to have their finger up his nose.

Posted by: Luisa Scavo at March 10, 2007 2:59 PM

im with the person who said they'll put it inside the president heart ,to stop it, why not over his mouth to stop him from saying such idiotic things

and to the person with the dakota fanning comment......... gross!..............you perv!!!!!

Posted by: theartfuldodger at March 10, 2007 4:59 PM

I would put my finger at the end of the stump of a child who has had his fingers amputated due to disease or injury or something. I need all my guitar playing fingers, so probably the one I could spare the most is my right pinky.

Posted by: Nate at March 10, 2007 5:27 PM

The button that says "BUSH GETS THE F*CK OUT OF IRAQ".

...or Heather Graham. I haven't decided yet.

Posted by: Alan the Great at March 10, 2007 5:41 PM

yer mothers asshole

Posted by: Rock at March 10, 2007 6:21 PM

I'd put my finger through Brandon Davis's hair... I wonder how greasy it would feel...

Posted by: Gaffer at March 10, 2007 6:37 PM

I'd put my finger on J.P. Horn one more time....she was an unforgettable experience.

Posted by: fish at March 10, 2007 6:49 PM

I would stick my pinky in my brain. And take over the world!!
(Sorry, bad 80's cartoon reference)
Narf!

Posted by: Brian at March 10, 2007 7:06 PM

I'd put my finger on the source of the Amazon River.

Posted by: unveiledthreat at March 10, 2007 7:11 PM