August 2007 Archives

For the first time on The Sneeze, I'm writing a post for a single person. You all can read it, but Arthur, this is for you...

Arthur,

How many times did I make fun of you for playing Guitar Hero? How many times did I not listen when you swore it was great? How many days on end did I have you describe in detail how you went to Blockbuster to rent a little plastic guitar -- and had you confirm that you walked out with a little plastic guitar and then later, drove back to Blockbuster to return your little plastic guitar?

I have since played Guitar Hero and Guitar Hero II AND Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80s - and it's one of the greatest games of all time.

I'm an asshole and I'm sorry.

That said, not only have I played these games -- I truly AM a guitar hero. I have seen a million faces, Arthur, and I HAVE ROCKED THEM ALL. Digitally.

If and when we play, I will probably beat your ass.

Love,
Steve

P.S. While acquiring new characters in Guitar Hero II, I was not comfortable "purchasing" an African-American man who was locked up in a store.

As I have learned from commercials for erectile dysfunction drugs, "Priapism" is a medical condition defined by having a painful erection for more than 4 hours.

Apparently, I had priapism from age 11 to 17.

A little internet sleuthing has revealed that Priapism is named after the Greek God, Priapus. According to Wikipedia, he's the god of livestock, fruit plants, gardens and male genitalia. Not since Costco, where I can buy a tub of mustard, pants and a raft, have such a random grouping lived under one roof.

Wikipedia goes on to say that "... statues of Priapus would be found guarding homes, fields, and crops. It was a quite literally a 'no trespassing or you'll be raped violently' sign." Interestingly, he was also depicted as a super-villain in Marvel Comics. I suppose it's good he wasn't in DC Comics, or every issue would have been Robin trespassing.

I'll end this with a little culture. Here's a link to a curious (not quite safe for work) fresco from the House of the Vettii in Pompeii. It depicts Priapus weighing his mighty appendage against a large bag of money. (I don't know if I could win that contest against the change in my pocket.)

If you ever need a boner or some tomatoes, now you know who to pray to.

Political blogs are extremely popular. They generate impressive traffic, fueled by differing, passionate opinions.

Since we never discuss politics here, I'd like to open the doors of communication with a simple two-part question:

Who will be the next President of the United States and what is the best soup?

The comment board is open closed before the spammy onslaught.

Don't get too excited, there's no brain yet.

But we're closing in on September. That's the time of year when children go back to school, I put away my sun dresses and tree brains make their hideous annual appearance.

So I am on OFFICIAL BRAINWATCH. This means I will be relentlessly checking the tree for fresh fungus every morning and night. (It's not like I haven't already been checking the tree, but now it's for reals.)

And speaking of Tree Brains, I'll be posting the unbelievably great finished OFFICIAL TREE BRAINS LOGO courtesy of Gary Taxali, along with t-shirt info extremely soon (this is, of course, in regards to our most awesome of bands).

More soon.

How do you secure your nerd-cred for eternity?

By acquiring a life-size replica of Han Solo in Carbonite, having Han's face removed, and replacing it with your own.

At least that's how you do it if you're my friend, Rob.

(In case you're not familiar with Carbonite, in The Empire Strikes Back it's the substance Han Solo was frozen in until he was rescued by Luke and Leia.)

Rob explains how this all came to be...

Hello, nerds.

Yes, that is me, finally fulfilling a mother's dream by being encased in Carbonite. It is cold, it is hot, and worst of all, it is being loaded onto Boba Fett's ship, so stop reading this and help me!

Actually, this is a full-sized replica of the famous "Han Solo" in Carbonite. It is made from fiberglass, and the short story is that a friend who is a special effects guy owned the piece, which was a direct casting off the original prop. He was moving, (aka getting married and yelled at) and asked me if I wanted it. I screamed a huge lispy "Yes!", and picked it up, but knew I wanted to do something cool with it. So I called my other nerdy special effects pals, and they offered to replace Harrison Ford's face with mine. I was so tired of hearing this offer in my daily life, but decided to finally consider it, so off it went.

KNB Effects in the valley took an algae mold of my entire head, then cut off Han Solo's, and replaced it with mine. They even added the frozen saliva that rushed out when Han got frozen.

The one thing I didn't know until later was that my friend Dana had been holding his bare ass and balls directly in front of my algae covered face while my head was encased. Talk about a missed opportunity.

Anyhoo, the full size me in Carbonite now resides in my garage, where it has successfully scared off many ladies, and one creepy dude who keeps coming by wearing some stained "Punch it, Chewy" underpants.

Enjoy.

-Rob

Here's the far less charming Han Solo version, for comparison. You can take a closer look at Rob in Carbonite, right here.

Thanks, Rob!

I like Mike DiPetrillo's art a lot.

I bought a painting of his awhile back and have been meaning to link to him for a long time. Here are a few fun ones...

Check out all of his stuff and his online shop at Mikeatron.com. Thanks, Mike!

There's a scene in the 1980 film The Jazz Singer, in which Neil Diamond wears black face so he can sing in an African-American church.

It's all going well until one of the church-goers notices Neil's hands are white. Everyone is shocked. Then people start punching each other.

Last night I noticed the inside of a blueberry isn't exactly blue, so I peeled one.

This was surprising to me.

Then I started punching my family.

It's a question we all ask ourselves at one point or another.

If you were driving cross-country, and were forced to bring a breakfast cereal mascot - who would it be?

I think I'd take Cap'n Crunch. He has a lot going for him.

- Excellent navigator
- Great war stories
- Things would not get soggy.

There are a few other decent choices, but many more terrible ones...

Tony the Tiger - Bad idea. Irritatingly upbeat and loud.

Likely dialogue:

"This interstate is GRRREAT! Look at that corn field! It's GREEAT! You have cupholders?? THEY'RE GRRREAT! You're pulling over?! GRREAT!"

"Get out."

"GRRREAT!"

Snap, Krackle & Pop - I am not buying and installing 3 car seats.

Sonny - Mentally unstable. Might peck out your eyes while you sleep. If he's on his meds, I'll consider it.

Trix Rabbit - Too needy.

Lucky the Leprechaun - I'm into the potential wishes, but getting accused of taking his Lucky Charms every 10 miles would get old fast.

Sugar Bear - Mellow. Cool. Overall, not a terrible choice.
Cons: Might sleep a lot and not chip in for gas.
Pros: Smooth with the ladies. Could get you laid.

Count Chocula - Maybe. I don't trust him. But we'd make great time because he'd drive through the night.

Frankenberry - I like him, but I can't ignore the cons.
-Wouldn't fit in my car.
-Kind of a pussy.
-Smells like strawberries and sweat.

Booberry - Not a bad choice. Might be a downer, but you could find out how he died and how his bow tie stays up.

Toucan Sam - Three words: Bird shit everywhere.

I've been messing around with the RSS feed a little. If you have a subscription to the site and it starts to act a little wonky, it's just me.

I *think* I have it all working now, but if you start to notice that the site is being updated with new posts and your feed isn't, you can just replace your feed with this new URL:

That should fix any problems. Thanks.

I've been highly amused by the art people have created on my Facebook profile using that little Graffiti Wall application. Here's a handful of them...

And then there's the 3 creations from Nicole -- who seems to be in her own little world...

Thanks, guys! Thanks, Nicole! You can find my profile right here.