June 2007 Archives


The Sneeze turns 4 years old today.

It was exactly 4 years ago today that this site started out on Blogger. And what crucial bit of business did I need to tell the world?

JUNE 28, 2003

When I was a kid I played with baseball cards. While other kids collected 'em, traded 'em, and saved 'em - I made stupid poo jokes with them.

I had a baseball card of a player named John Urrea. So with some ingenuity, scissors and another baseball player's card by the name of Dyar Miller- I made a new and improved card. By carefully cutting out Mr. Miller's name and gluing it onto Mr. Urrea's, I had given birth to the Major League's newest loose-boweled superstar- "Dyar Urrea."

(I realize the post in the archive is a little different, but this is how it first appeared.)

I no longer have the original card I made, but I did manage to track down the the necessary ingredients with some help from my buddy Rob at Retrocrush. The recreation, is now lovingly framed in my office...

Thanks to all of you guys for the unbelievable support you've given the site over the past 4 years!!!


Hello Internet Pals,

I know it appears that I've been a little dormant lately, but just because I haven't been typing words, doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about typing them.

So, while this technically isn't a fun post containing anything actually worth reading, it's just a note to let you know about the things I'm trying to get to over the next couple of weeks.

They include, but are not limited to...

- My discussion with a copyright lawyer about getting tattoos of existing artwork (since this came up more than once on the comment board about Gino's tattoo).

- Honey-Dipper v. Spoon, a hands-on test.

- An insanely great t-shirt you might need to own.

- A crocheting genius.

- And you've heard me say this before-- but a new Steve, Don't Eat It. (I really did start one this past weekend. I swear.)

I'll be back.

Let's Pick a Tattoo


Gino needs our help!


I've been a fan for a long time and remember the very first sighting of tree brain, and the great "Steve Don't Eat It's". But past that, I need some help and I figured you (along with the other Sneeze readers) could help me out.

Now that I'm out of high school, and a full-fledged adult, I'm getting a tattoo on my back. This is where the help comes in. I want to use an Eric Joyner piece of art because robots are the shit, and I wouldn't mind having one of them on me for the rest of my life.

The problem is, which one? My two favorites are I/O Jima and This is This. Both are sweet and would make a great tattoo. If you could help me out, it would be highly appreciated and I would send a picture when it is done.

Thanks again!




This is very exciting! Thanks for letting us be involved in this important decision. The following poll is presented for your polling pleasure.

Of course, none of this would be possible without the amazing art of my pal, Eric Joyner. Check out his stuff right now!

Gino is leaning toward I/O Jima, but has also told me he's open to your art suggestions, so in addition to the poll the comment board is open. I'm closing the comment board before the spam starts rolling in. Thanks for the feedback, guys.

Green is the Color of Going Off Script

I apologize for the back to back kid entries, but I thought this was slightly awesome.

My son (who is finishing up 1st grade) was part of a school assembly a few weeks ago. For reasons beyond our control, my wife and I were unable to attend, but we finally got our hands on a DVD of it.

Basically, several different classes were each assigned a color and each kid said a sentence about that color into the microphone. One after another in painful succession.

My son's class was assigned "green" and the audience got to hear an endless stream of insightful nuggets such as, "Green is the color of a green apple."

Apparently the boy's big line was "Green is the color of my shirt," but he decided to take a fantastic detour. My guess is he was inspired by boredom.

The actual streaming audio is below, but I'm including a transcript as well because parts are hard to hear. (I also included the two kids before him to help put the whole thing in context.)

(Click arrow to play)

A group of kids in green shirts stand on an auditorium stage. A teacher works his way down the line, holding a microphone in front of each kid's face.

Girl #1: "Green is the color of icky, mushy slime."

Girl #2: "Green is the color of a green stem."

The microphone arrives at my son for what should be, "Green is the color of my shirt."

(TAPPING MICROPHONE) Is this thing on?

(GRABS MICROPHONE) Okay, I have a lot to say...

After a brief false start...



It's the biggest, greenest, SLIMIEST MONSTER EVER! AAARGGHHH!!!

As the audience applauds and the teacher tries to wrestle the microphone away from him, he quickly squeezes in:

Green is the color of my shirt!


Right before we watched his part for the first time, he said, "When you see this, you're going to come over here and hug me."

He was right.

* * * * * *

(In case you're wondering, I've been able to determine that the phrase "Turn your faces to the southwest" was inspired by something Plankton said to an audience in an episode of SpongeBob ("Turn to face the southwest corridor!"), but I have to give the boy credit for tying it in to the whole "green monster" thing on his own.

I also credit him for leaving out Plankton's follow-up line, "The other way, imbeciles." Although, that might have been even more than slightly awesome.)

Down With The King

Conversations while cutting my kid's burger:

Me: You want me to cut it into strips?

Him: I like pieces.

Me: Then pieces you shall have.

Him: Stop being royal.


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This page is an archive of entries from June 2007 listed from newest to oldest.

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