March 2007 Archives

Pressing Foreword

The thing about getting asked to be a Best Man, is that it's not the best at all. They just call it that to mess with your head.

If they called it the "Rent- A- Tux- And- Be- In- Charge- Of- Organizing- A- Bachelor- Party- That- Had- Better- Kick- Ass- And- Then- Write- And- Give- A- Speech- In- Front- Of- Everyone- You've- Ever- Met- Plus- A- Bunch- Of- Strangers Man," guys would be a little less likely to say, "I'd be honored."

But that's what you say, because being asked is absolutely an honor. It's only when you start doing it, that you realize you've been tricked. (Like my wife, when I finally got her into bed.)

I'm relieved to say I haven't been a best man in years. But my buddy, the incredibly talented painter Eric Joyner, is coming out with a fancy book of all his art - and he asked me to write the foreword. And, of course, I truly was honored.

Then the deadline began to loom and the honor became a mix of honor and pressure. Then just pressure. Then pressure and mild sexual attraction to bees, then I finally finished the foreword and I was back to plain old honored again.

I think it turned out okay. It's hard for me to say. I've never written a foreword before and as much as I love Eric's work, I know very little about the art world. I do know that I read a few forewords from some other art books and I got so bored I wanted to pluck my eyes out with a shrimp fork.

I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing until I showed my wife. She liked it, but her first response was: "Your friend asked you to write something for his book and you couldn't get past the 3rd paragraph without talking about bacon and breasts?"

I thought she had a point. But then I left it in.

The book comes out in July and I couldn't be happier for Eric. Here's the cover. And thank you again for asking me, Eric. Despite my smart-assery, it really WAS an honor.

Check out Eric's work at his official website.

Read more about the book here. I'll let you know when it's out.

Public Evening of Enjoyment UPDATE

Attention people of, near or who have heard of Southern California:

Tickets for the MAY 4TH CLOUD CULT / SNEEZE LOS ANGELES PUBLIC EVENING OF ENJOYMENT can now be purchased online at the Knitting Factory's website.

I should point out that these tickets are for seeing Cloud Cult play at The Knitting Factory. The "Sneeze Public Evening of Enjoyment" part means that my wife and I will be there with all our friends hanging out with one of our favorite bands, and you're invited to join us.

Imagine the possibilities - they include but are not limited to you saying things like, "Hey, are you Steve?" and me saying, "Yeah!" or you saying "Lemme buy you a beer!" and me saying, "I'll totally drink it!" or you saying "Steve, my girlfriend thinks you're hot, and we really like your site, so I told her to go for it!" and me saying, "Wow, this is awkward. I'm married, bro. Would she want to nail my friend Anthony?"

All of this (plus a lot of additional silly crap) is covered in the LOS ANGELES PUBLIC EVENING OF ENJOYMENT FAQ.

The most important part of this message is: Cloud Cult is playing a small lounge at the Knitting Factory and the limited number of tickets for this are only $8. If you want to come and hang with us, I'd suggest you not wait too long to buy them - lest you get shut out and experience a great sadness.

Click right here to purchase tickets. If for some reason that link doesn't take you directly to the correct page, just navigate your way through the calendar to Friday, May 4th.

See ya there. (And if your girlfriend is really bummed, I guess she can try to talk to my wife about it, but tell her not to get her hopes up.)

A Theory in Progress


I've been kicking around a theory.

It's that in comedy movie trailers, there is a direct correlation between the number of times the music stops and how funny the movie will actually be.

The more stops, the less funny.

I haven't gotten far on this, but I've determined that each abrupt musical halt must be accompanied by a sound effect for it to count. (This sound effect is usually a record scratch, "power-down" sound, whoosh, etc.)

You might be able to subtract 1 star for each stop.

I haven't actually tested this with too many trailers because it'll probably prove how wrong I am. And a wrong theory is way less fun than an unproven, brilliant one.

(The upcoming trailer for this hilarious post features 2 power-downs and half a whoosh.)


Hey Steve--

A few months ago, I bought a kitten. All of my animals have been spayed or neutered. But I'm kind of broke right now, so I figured, how bad could it get?

My cat has recently decided that she is sexually mature and she is now in heat. If you've never had a cat go into heat, it is perhaps the single most annoying and disturbing behavior I've ever witnessed.

She is turned on by EVERYTHING. She rubs herself all over each and every surface of my apartment. She howls these horrible, ear drum shattering howls. Even when I'm just petting her, she gets...excited. And sticks her butt in my face and throws me a glance over her shoulder. All because she wants sex. "I'm not having sex either, cat! You don't see me crying about it! (Usually...)"

Anyway I don't have enough money to get her spayed, so I decided to use the good ol' internet to see if there was anything I could do to make her shut up so I could get some sleep/not be evicted due to neighbor complaints. And I was absolutely horrified by what I found. It was actually suggested that you get a Q tip or a thermometer...and...use it...on your cat. One even went so far as to explain the cat orgasm so that the reader would know when s/he could stop.

I don't think I can bring myself to do it. It feels wrong. And...ew. Just wrong. What are your thoughts? Is this crossing the line? Would I ever be able to look myself in the mirror again without thinking, I gave my cat an orgasm?



The first step in correcting this situation is letting my wife know she can stop reading now. She's very sweet and won't want to hear anymore about this. So, here's a link to Pottery Barn.

Okay, she's gone.

Brittany, I've given careful consideration to your problem and there's only one logical solution. I think it's obvious. You must pleasure yourself in front of your cat. While you wear a cat costume.

Something like this should be fine...

Just don the costume and really give it to yourself good.

The benefits are two-fold. You will tend to your own self-professed needs while teaching your cat how to rub one out at the same time.

It's like the old saying goes. "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach that man's cat to fiddle with its cooter, and it'll stop rubbing up on stuff."

I have complete confidence this solution will work. (Unless your cat goes crazy and tries to tap your giant Tabby ass.)

Be well.

-- Steve

P.S. Send photos.

Things For To See

Guess what I have.

No... not a "tiny set of baby teeth growing in my crack." (Listen to me. Please stop guessing that. It's NEVER going to be the answer to ANYTHING.)

What I do have is more Pickles stuff for your viewing pleasure.

First up is a Pickles video recreation from internet superheroes Natalie Dee and Drew from Toothpaste For Dinner. Thanks, guys!!

* * * * * *

Next, Tyson Smith's webcomic Pirate and Alien chimed in last week with this contribution. Here's the final panel...

You can see the entire comic here.

* * * * * *

Finally I received these two illustrated versions. First there was this one from Jennifer, lovingly recreated with birds.

And this cool (and large) comic page sent in by Mackenzie.

Thanks everyone for continuing this ridiculousness further than I ever imagined.

(Once again for the uninitiated, this all started in this post, continued here, then got extra awesome in this one.)

I have to go floss my crack.

Flashback: 1995


A young Steve and the woman who would later become his wife are in their apartment where they live in sin.

Steve enters the living room carrying a balled-up sock. He notices his girlfriend sitting at the far end of the room with a mug of iced tea.

"If I get this in your glass, I am the ruler of the universe."


Steve arcs the sock into the air, it travels 15 feet across the room, miraculously landing in her glass with a PLUNK. His girlfriend appears unfazed.

"Holy shit! Did you see that?!!"

"I'm not talking to you."


"But you have to... I'm the ruler of the universe."



My co-worker was sad that the previous post didn't have a picture of Crappy, so he provided me with this image of how he appears to us.


Amy wrote in and informed me that his full name is Crappernicus J. Finch.


Things took an unexpected turn in the world of Tappy yesterday, when we discovered 4 finches loitering around the feeder.


According to our new-found House Finch knowledge, two of them were male and two were female. Tappy was definitely there, but so was ANOTHER red finch that looked disturbingly like Tappy.

He was a little bit fatter and his feathers were more ruffled. He was basically a slightly beat-down version of Tappy. We named him Crappy.

At one point we couldn't tell which was which. It was more alarming to a group of grown men than it should have been. In a scene straight out of a bad science-fiction movie, all the birds needed to both start saying was "I'm the real Tappy." "No, I'M the real Tappy!"

Luckily Tappy flew up to the window and started tapping on it. Because he's a genius.

Crappy darted off in disgust and we haven't seen him since. I like to think he chirped "You haven't seen the last of me!" as he flew away, but I like to think lots of stupid things.

I tried to get a picture of the 2 of them on the feeder, but I'm sure you understand -- this was a very stressful time for all parties involved.

(For the record, we've also determined that Tappy's full name is: Tapioca H. Finch.)



I'd like to introduce you to someone. He's a little red bird. He comes to visit us every morning at work and taps on our window to say things like, "Hi" or "What is that, a cinammon raisin bagel? Lucky."

His name is Tappy and we love him.

We love him so much we gave him a bird feeder. Because that's what you get when you tap your way into someone's heart. A tube of seeds.

Here's a quick video of him using his powers of tapping. The audio isn't good, but I think you might be able to hear some tapping if you turn it up.

We are very curious to know exactly what type of bird he is. One of you people must know someone who is a hard-core bird expert. Can you please help us classify Tappy?

Here's what we know:

- He lives in Los Angeles
- He's small like a sparrow
- He's mostly red
- He taps

I consulted the Immaturist's Guide to Birdwatching, but it was no help at all.

UPDATE: He's definitely a male HOUSE FINCH. On behalf of Tappy, thanks, guys!!!

Where In the World is Carmen San Diego's Finger?


A discussion among my workmates yielded the following question:

"If you could put your finger anywhere in the world, where would you put it?"

Our first thoughts were obviously sexual, but upon further discussion we knew there had to be better choices (maybe) -- and how could one properly take advantage of such an opportunity.

And I should also clarify that we felt it was really all about what your finger is contacting. We overruled answers like, "In a bank vault because then I'd be there and I could steal everything." In the spirit of the question, we have decided to rule out financial gain. (But we did recognize this as being a tricky gray area.) We also agreed this finger placement is a one-time shot.

Some of the decisions my friends landed on were "Inside the President's heart, to stop it" and "Inside Paul McCartney's nose." Regarding Paul's nose, this person felt that "Lots of people could say they've touched Paul McCartney, but who has had their finger in his nose?" He finished this explanation with "That's Beatle Nose -- and that's a big deal."

One person chose "On the pulse of America's youth," which we disqualified on the grounds of being figurative. (And kind of douchy.)

So now I ask you -- If you could put your finger anywhere in the world, where would you put it?

The comment board is open now closed.


(Before you read further, you need to have seen the original PICKLES! The Movie, and the follow-up with videos sent in by you outstanding people. Go ahead...)

Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way...

Late Thursday night my heart had whatever the usual amount of joy a heart is supposed to have in it. Then I received an email with the following video.

Joy poured into my heart, filled it up and began spilling out into other organs that have never even had joy in them before.

After a weekend of hocking up loogies of happiness, I give you PICKLES! The Musical, by SiaZ.

And if you're interested in an mp3 of the song, it's right here. (To download it: right-click or control-click on the link and "Save link as".)

Thanks again, SiaZ!!! I'm blown away.

(You can also see a high-quality, 23 mb, non-YouTube version of the video here on SiaZ's site.)

Save the Date!

Friday night, May 4th! Cloud Cult will be bringing their musical magic and lovableness to the Knitting Factory in Los Angeles and I'm personally inviting you.

All people with access to Southern California should come. (Yes, of course that includes you, Will.)

Please consult the only partially silly FAQ below for further information.

* * * * * *


Where will this be taking place?

Friday night, May 4th at the Knitting Factory in Hollywood. You can buy tickets online right here.

Who the hell is this band you keep talking about?

They're a difficult-to-categorize indie rock group from Minnesota that my friend Willo turned me onto, that my wife and I (and now a bunch of my friends) all kind of love a lot.

How come I've never heard of The Cloud Cults?

Because they're criminally underexposed and it's starting to get on my nerves. And it's just "Cloud Cult." Not "The Cloud Cults." Who are you, my father?

How do I get tickets?

Click right here to purchase tickets. If for some reason that link doesn't take you directly to the correct page, just navigate your way through the calendar to Friday, May 4th.

I really like reading The Sneeze and want to come to this thing, but I'm pretty creepy and I might weird you out. Is that cool?

I could think of cooler things. No offense.

What if I've never heard Cloud Cult's music before?

Go check them out and buy the album here or come on out and just be surprised. It'll be like an adventure. Your FAQ-reading life could use a little more adventure.

What if I hate them?

Well, I don't think that's scientifically possible, but even if you do, who cares?!! Come down anyway and hang. It's the 4th of May. So we can talk about what we're going to do to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

What exactly is Cinco de Mayo?

Honestly, I couldn't tell you. But we can get to the bottom of it that night.

Will your friend Anthony be there?

Yes, he WILL be there! He'll be psyched that you asked about him.

Will Jessica be there?

I'm not sure yet, but I will pressure her heavily to come. Yes, Jessica says she'll be there!

If Jessica does end up going, is she still single and can I hit on her?

She is still single, and it's probably okay if you hit on her. Just bear in mind that she's really smart and not shy and it's possible she might tear you apart with her words. (Just a heads up.)

She would also like you to know (having read this) that even though she is "still single" she has managed to go out with some boys since that original post.

And that she didn't go out with any ladies and doesn't want to. But one girl did beg to kiss her on her last birthday. And she let her. But she didn't really reciprocate and there was no tongue.

And finally, she made me update the old picture that was in the original apology post and she DOES still have that email address, so feel free to email her there.

Is your wife going?

Yes. But don't hit on her. (And no, she's not the one who kissed Jessica.)

Is star of PICKLES: The Movie, Dan Schneider going?

I doubt it. But I'll ask him.

When are you going to post Craig's answers to your son's questions from the album review?

Soon. I gotta spread this stuff out.

Where else is Cloud Cult playing?

All their tour dates are on their site and on their MySpace page.

Steve, will you pay my way into the club to see them?

I wasn't planning on it, but don't worry -- it's not going to be any place expensive. And think about all the money you save every time you read The Sneeze for free.

When are you going to do another Steve, Don't Eat It?

There's a chance I'll be posting one in the next few weeks. But we're really talking about the May 4th festivities right now. C'mon, focus.

More information as it becomes available. See you on May 4th! Email me if you have any other questions.

Extra Pickles

Thanks to you guys who sent your own versions of "PICKLES! The Movie". (Here's the original in case you missed it.)

Donal sent me this mini-masterpiece from England.

Donal is the host of a webshow I've been meaning to talk about called "This Is a Knife". You can find it on iTunes or on their official site. I guess I'd compare it to something like Rocketboom, only with better production values and funny. (And Donal is a lot more willing to take his clothes off than that Joanne Colan is.)

I particularly enjoyed the Dec. 14th episode, but there are a lot of fun ones in the archive.

But back to PICKLES! I also received these homemade Pickles from Chris & Sidda, Mitchel (who's too young to be reading this site) and this valiant attempt from Siobhan and her son. (Siobhan, next time might I recommend trying a former Head of the Class star. I found the experience to be positive.)

And last but not least, Sabrina made this sweet movie poster, complete with killer tagline: "Procreation brought them together - pants tore them apart".

(In case you were wondering, that's not really my kid, but the look of disgust is pretty accurate.)

Thanks, guys!!!


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