February 2007 Archives


Picture a lazy Saturday afternoon at home. You're hanging out with your six-year-old in his room while he quietly draws a boat on his MagnaDoodle. Maybe a bird is chirping outside the window. It's all very bondy and nice.

The boy stops drawing for a moment, looks right at you and says: "HERE'S THE IMPORTANT QUESTION: What part of the mommy does the baby come out of?"

Jesus Christ! What's with the friggin' sneak attack?!

I have to say, I think I handled it perfectly. I just told him, "If you want to know what part of the mommy it is, don't you think that's a good question for mommy? You should go ask her right now." And off he went.

Was she sleeping?


Because she was sick with a fever?


But before you think I'm a complete asshole, remember -- as long as he didn't tell her I sent him in, she'd just think he was asking her first. So it's all cool.

And I must give her credit. For being woken up sick, out of a sound sleep to hear "What part of the mommy does the baby come out of?", she gave an excellent answer. She just coughed up a little phlegm and told him, "The baby grows in a part called the womb and when the baby is ready, he comes out through the birth canal." My son was pleased with that answer, came back in and finished his boat. My wife went back to sleep and everyone was happy.

See? All cool.

Now here's the even more important question: How do we keep the mommy from reading this, so as not to restrict DADDY'S access to the birth canal?

I just want the truth...


If you were an M&M,
and your "m" didn't turn out right,

how bummed would you be?

The comment board is open closed.

PICKLES! The Movie

My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick."

Here is an actual exchange from the other morning:

Me: Please put your pants on.

Him: Fine, Pickles.

He says it right to my face, with complete disgust.

To better illustrate the scene for you, I've asked the guy who played Ricky in Better Off Dead to provide a re-enactment using his professional acting skills.

Please enjoy.

I know shows like SpongeBob and Higglytown Heroes use words like this in an "Aw, shucks" fashion - but that seems to have been lost on my son because I am now Pickles. He also likes to refer to his brother as a "stupid pickles poop." Which is charming.

But beyond all that, I'm opening the doors to you. If you'd like to make a video re-enactment of me getting "cursed out" by my own child, just use the dialogue from the movie as your script, send it in and I'll feature it here on the site for the world to enjoy. The production values are up to you. Go crazy and use 2 actors if you want. It's your call. (But "PICKLES! The Musical" would be pretty sweet.)

If you'd rather not go to the trouble of making a video, that's fine. I understand. Pickles.

(You can check out the Better Off Dead interviews here. Thanks again, Dan!!!)

Battle of the Stink Bomb Auctions

When selling an item on eBay, it's important to make sure your product stands out. Potential buyers have a wide array of choices, so getting noticed is crucial.

The following is a collection of copy points pulled from dozens of competing eBay auctions of stink bombs -- each hoping the stench you choose is theirs.


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They don't come any smellier.
These are the original smelly stink blasters.

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The U.S. Government is researching the use of
Stink Bomb Technology. Shouldn't you???

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Everyone will grow to love you for your tricks!!

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Stink bombs! - smelly and discreet!

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Why not get some stink bombs today?

The Meaning Of 8 and The Age of 6

Imagine liking a record so much you're actually feeling pressure to write a review worthy of it. That's about where I'm at right now with Cloud Cult's latest album, The Meaning of 8.

Craig Minowa (the band's lead singer and songwriter) had sent me a copy a few weeks ago and I really haven't been in the mood to listen to anything else since it made the trip from Minnesota.

I had been driving around with it on, thinking about what to say here, when during a particularly funky track my kid stopped bopping along in the backseat for a moment to say, "Dad, is this Craig gettin' down in his basement?"

It was priceless. And very accurate. It was also the moment that I decided to try and interview the boy about the album for this post.

So rather than pollute the internet with one more music review full of useless, flowery descriptions -- here's the word-for-word transcript of a chat between me and my 6-year-old son discussing Cloud Cult's new album, The Meaning of 8.

What would you say to anyone who wasn't sure if they should buy the album?

You should! It's such a good album. You should hear Pretty Voice and you should hear Alien Christ. And the rest of the songs. Oh boy, they're great. I just love them.

What is the best song on the album?

I think all of them are great. Even the songs on the old albums.

Who is a better band - Cloud Cult or the Wiggles?

Cloud Cult. 'Cuz they have more rockin' songs and crazy instruments.

Who is a better songwriter -- Craig or Raffi?

Who's Raffi?

Okay, what is the meaning of 8?

The Meaning of 8 is the album.

No, I know that. I mean, what do you think the actual meaning of 8 is?

The MEETING of 8 would be people talking about the number 8.

Let's try it this way -- Does the number 8 mean anything special?

Yes -- for a Magic 8 ball. You ask it questions and it will answer them. Questions about your life. And some triangle will pop out and it has the answer. It's a ball that talks to you.

And if you asked the 8 Ball what album you should buy, what would it tell you?

Listen, that's not a question about life.

All right, give me a question about life.

Like -- Will my pen pal ever visit me? Or, let's see... Will I ever go to the beach again?

What if the question was -- Is it a good idea to buy this album?


Do you have any questions for Craig?


If you had a Magic 8 Ball, what would you ask it about your life?

Which album would people like to buy more? The new one or the old one?

Where did you get the lyrics for Alien Christ?

What is making that sound that mommy thinks is an alien guitar in the song Shape of 8?

What color is your car?

I'll put up Craig's answers to those questions in an upcoming post.

There are three songs currently streaming on Cloud Cult's website for you to check out. (Just click on the "Listen" link once you get there.) Those are going to help you to decide to take a chance on the album better than anything else I can write here.

But I will say this: if you don't want to be walking around knowing a six-year-old has cooler musical taste than you, here's your chance to catch up to him.

The Meaning of 8 is on sale now and available for immediate download at cloudcult.com.

Go treat yourself. It's good. My kid wouldn't lie.

The Art of Getting Bent

Terry Border is an old school Sneeze reader who I've had the pleasure of swapping a few emails with over the years. I don't know him personally, but I do know he makes fantastic and fun creations, often out of bent wire.

Awhile back I had an idea where some of my artists friends would create a piece of art entitled "The Sneeze" for me to display here on the site. The interpretation would be entirely in the hands of the artist.

Terry accepted the challenge and came through beautifully. He recently sent me this image of his brilliant wire sculpture.

View a larger version here.

Not long after I received that one, Terry followed it up with another fun fetishy little piece he calls "Spit, Don't Swallow".

You can check out a bunch more of Terry's creations right here at his blog: Bent Objects.

Scouring the Globe for Big Heads, Boogers and More

It's been quite a long time since we've set foot in the old International Playground. I just happened to have received 3 fun rhymes from Japan, Taiwan and Spain recently, so I thought I'd put them up.

If you're new to this section, it's an on-going collection of obnoxious schoolyard rhymes from around the world -- proving that no matter where you go, kids can be funny little jackasses.

(What's that? Was the Global Schoolyard Rhyme Project featured in Harper's Magazine? Yes. Yes it was. Thanks for asking!)


Dato Dato Xiayu Bu Cho
Ren Jia Yo San Ni Yo Da To

English translation:

Big head big head, not sad when raining
Others have umbrellas you have big head

Sent by: Alan


Mi chan Mi chan,
unko tarete.
Kami ga nai kara
te de fuite.
Mottainai kara

English translation:

Mi chan Mi chan
dropped a Poo.
They had no paper
so they used their hand.
Shouldn't waste it,
So they ate it.

Sent by: Lisa


Yo tengo un moco.
Lo saco poco a poco.
Lo redondo, y redondo,
y lo tiro a mi amigo.

English translation:

I have a booger.
I pull it out little by little.
I roll it up and roll it up,
and throw it at my friend.

Sent by: Pax

See all the rhymes here.


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This page is an archive of entries from February 2007 listed from newest to oldest.

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