January 2007 Archives

How To Know If You Have A Good Wife

If she comes to you with a kids' bedroom catalog and says "Check out this robot bedspread. If you want it in our room -- we could." This is a good indicator.

Some wives can be good ones and NOT say a robot bedspread would be okay, but it's harder to tell.

As tempted as I was, we're adults and I've already hung enough robot paintings and silliness on the walls around here as it is. I don't think it needs to bleed onto our sleeping surfaces.

I was really just more in love than ever that she'd even indulge me enough to suggest it.

But you KNOW I totally bought that robot pillow.

You can find this stuff here.

The Sneeze Does Not Tolerate Racism...

And would like to apologize
for seeing what turned out to be a photo
from the 1972 film "Blacula"

but momentarily thinking,
"Is that Count Chocula??!"

(I just really like cereal.)

Last Minute New Year's Resolutions

1. Drink more from a wineskin.

2. Get wineskin.

Oh, The Nerve

I've been a little slammed at work again lately, but the good news is I still managed to find some time to have mysterious, excruciating hand pain.

Back at the end of December I reached to grab a tissue and noticed a searing blast of electricity shoot from my wrist, up through the palm of my left hand. There was no traumatic incident I can point to before that, but pretty much since then, whenever I extend my arm and make a grabbing motion, it happens. I suspect it's a pinched nerve. (Kindly refrain from emailing me your masturbation theories. I'm right-handed.)

I finally got in to see a hand specialist yesterday. He asked a bunch of questions, had me squeeze hard steel devices, poked and prodded (and delicately caressed) my hands. Then he took me back to the fluoroscope. That's when things got crazy, radiation-style.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure - a fluoroscope is like a live-action x-ray. The doctor and I both sat in ordinary chairs, knee-to-knee on either side of 3-foot pole coming up from the floor with a camera mounted above it. No visible shields, no lead pants, nothing.

He rested my wrist on the top of the pole and there were my hand bones moving all around on the screen. Like a live tv show called "Steve's Boney Hand Bones!" Right there!


The doctor wants to follow up with an MRI to hopefully shed some more light on what's going on. He's still isn't sure what's up, but based on what he's seen so far, he's not overly concerned. So that's comforting.

Now I just have to hope that he and I don't get hand and dick cancer from the fluoroscope.

(And I will miss his tender caress.)

Army of One


You know I don't get political here, but can I ask a silly question about the war in Iraq?

When did a "troop" become one soldier?

In a recent example, President Bush said he wants to send an additional 20,000 troops to Iraq - meaning 20,000 soldiers individuals.

It's a phrase I've been hearing all over the news for quite some time now.

Didn't a troop used to mean a group of people? A Boy Scout Troop was never ONE boy scout, was it? (That's how it was when I was a brave and mighty webelo.)

Have I missed something?

The comment board is open now closed before the spam starts rolling in. This link from Antoine definitely provides more than you'd ever want to know about the word "troop."


I don't condone the destruction of public property, but if you simply must do it, please consider injecting a little comedy.

Over the holidays I took a quick trip back to NY. While I was there, I stopped for lunch with my buddies Don and Tony at the Comfort Diner on 23rd street.

While using the restroom, I noticed they had provided a diaper changing station. This particular model was the SturdyStation2 by Rubbermaid.

With a little handy bladework, our vandal lovingly renamed the changing station.

I guess we'll never know if the perpetrator works at the restaurant or was just a patron -- but I do know they're the type of vandal I could get behind.

In Response to Raisins

Here's one of the responses I received to the Christmas morning, Raisins v. Drum Set test...

Hi Steve,

Just wanted to say I love your raisin idea! It makes me think my kid is slightly less weird for requesting (not kidding here, attached the wish list as proof) four, more or less, bricks of colby jack cheese for Christmas.

Accommodating parent that I am, there were indeed four bricks of Kraft under the Christmas tree. The kid gnawed on it like candy all day, lol.

At any rate, just wanted to say keep up the good work. You make the rest of us feel just a little more normal!

- Leasa


Your son is a genius. Not just for requesting 4 bricks of cheese (-/+), but for writing to Santa for a "jug" of eggnog.

I never thought of going to the big guy to get booze. That kid's gonna go places. (Possibly rehab.)


Raisins v. Drum Set

Late Christmas Eve, my wife and I were preparing for Santa's arrival. She felt bad when she realized we didn't have much to put in our three-year-old's stocking.

I asked if I could wrap up a tiny box of raisins, just to see if he would be excited or not.

He's generally a very good recipient of gifts and as many of you know, the kid likes to eat, (ear medicine, vaseline, sprinkles, etc.) so she was on board.

You should know that this wasn't even an ordinary box of raisins. It's the tiniest box of raisins they make. There are seriously, maybe 12 raisins in it.

One present we had gotten him was a cool electronic drum set that I was pretty sure he'd flip out over. I was very curious to see how the tiny box of raisins would fair againt the high-tech competition.

It's not unlike Paul Bunyan and his trusty axe going up against the chain saw. (With the part of Paul Bunyan, of course, being played by 12 to 15 dried up grapes.)

The following is actual audio, pulled from my video camera on Christmas morning.

First, the reaction to the raisins:

The quiet part at the top is him saying, "I don't know what's in here..." as he was struggling to unwrap the tiny box.

He seemed genuinely excited about the raisins. At the end of that clip, he even happily shook the box at the camera. All in all, I'd give the raisins a 6.

Up next is the drum set...

It's not often you get to hear unbridled joy.

The drum set scored HUGE. He's was literally dancing uncontrollably as he said "I GOT A DRUM SET!"

I'll give the drums a very solid 9.

Now before we call it a landslide, consider this:

The drums cost 60 bucks. The box of raisins: 21 cents.

Based on this information, I asked my buddy Rob over at Cockeyed, to do a little number crunching for me. Here was his response:

Sure! I hope you want the long-winded version.

If your son's base level of excitement is zero, then we can calculate what the cost of each level of excitement is.

What your experiment shows is that there is not a linear relationship between price and level of excitement.

Each successive level of excitement is almost exponentially more expensive than the last level...as the desired level of excitement increases, so does the cost of breaking through to the next level of excitement.

With your two data points, I calculate that to reach excitement level seven, you'd need to spend 6.6 times as much as the raisins, which is $1.38. To reach level eight, you'd again have to multiply your expenditure by 6.6, and find a gift priced at $9.11.

As you know, excitement level 9 comes at a price of $60, and you'll be pleased to know that excitement level 10 can by bought for $396.06.

Here is the breakdown:

Excitement / Cost
1 / 0.00002
2 / 0.00011
3 / 0.00073
4 / 0.0048
5 / 0.031
6 / 0.21
7 / 1.38
8 / 9.11
9 / $60.10
10 / $396.05
11 / $2,610.03

Thanks, Rob! I can't wait 'til next Christmas to see how the raisins do. I have a feeling the price of excitement will be going up every year.

UPDATE: I can't believe I forgot to add this. He totally ate the raisins.


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