April 25, 2006
Tough CookiesCookie Monster is kind of a mess. He doesn't understand how pronouns work, he's got very poor social skills and a severe double-shot of lazy eye.
But when it comes to cookies, he totally gets it. Cookies are fucking fantastic. No matter what's going on, I'm up for a cookie. They're fun, they're always a treat and just about anytime of day I would like one in my mouth. They are the tits of food. Cookies come in all kinds of flavors and shapes. Sometimes chewy, sometimes crunchy. They don't require a plate or a fork or a napkin. Even baking them is optional. Raw cookie dough is a gift most humans aren't worthy of. (Don't worry, all Sneeze readers are worthy. I checked.) Where exactly does "cookie jar" fit in with his war on evil in the name of his murdered parents? I'm not sure. (Although, I wouldn't blink an eye at a Robin the Boy Wonder jar filled to the top with lady fingers.) There's tons of inappropriate merchandising and tie-ins out there, but it's the ones that bring together tough guys and pussy-ish items that are my favorites. And ironically, as much as cookies kick ass, they just aren't "tough". I don't care how huge you are, or how deep your voice is-- you can't intimidate me saying, "Gimme another snickerdoodle." Even the word "cookie" itself isn't helping. If words went to school, "cookie" would have its head shoved in a toilet at least twice a week. In between Purple Nurples. Despite all of this, I've learned there's a whole world of tough cookie jars out there. And these are just a few...
"Private First Class Biscotti, reporting for duty, SIR!" This is actually John Wayne. Why is "The Duke" a vessel for sweet snacks baked with love? Because his real first name is Marion. * * * * * "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too! FUN FACT: If you watch the Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, you're probably high enough to eat a wicked witch full of cookies before it's over. * * * * * They say wrestling is fake. In its defense, it actually looks a lot like tough-guy Goldberg. But don't crack it over the head with a folding chair or your macaroons might go stale. * * * * * "I pity the fool who don't take a lemon bar out my head." B. A. Baracus may have been afraid to fly, but apparently he wasn't afraid to put his image on any surface that would have it. * * * * * A Harley Davidson motorcycle jacket is the perfect thing to wear if you're an ass-kicking biker. Or a Pecan Sandie. This may be the ultimate tough/sissy match-up I've seen. (Although I am, of course, not counting the Harley Davidson Teapot.) Now, which one of you motherfuckers would like a nice cup of Earl Grey? Click here for The Sneeze Home Page! |
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