Cookie Monster is kind of a mess. He doesn't understand how pronouns work, he's got very poor social skills and a severe double-shot of lazy eye.

But when it comes to cookies, he totally gets it. Cookies are fucking fantastic.

No matter what's going on, I'm up for a cookie. They're fun, they're always a treat and just about anytime of day I would like one in my mouth. They are the tits of food.

Cookies come in all kinds of flavors and shapes. Sometimes chewy, sometimes crunchy. They don't require a plate or a fork or a napkin. Even baking them is optional. Raw cookie dough is a gift most humans aren't worthy of. (Don't worry, all Sneeze readers are worthy. I checked.)

I bring all this up because I saw a Batman cookie jar the other day, and I know he'd be embarrassed by it.

Where exactly does "cookie jar" fit in with his war on evil in the name of his murdered parents? I'm not sure. (Although, I wouldn't blink an eye at a Robin the Boy Wonder jar filled to the top with lady fingers.)

There's tons of inappropriate merchandising and tie-ins out there, but it's the ones that bring together tough guys and pussy-ish items that are my favorites. And ironically, as much as cookies kick ass, they just aren't "tough". I don't care how huge you are, or how deep your voice is-- you can't intimidate me saying, "Gimme another snickerdoodle."

Even the word "cookie" itself isn't helping. If words went to school, "cookie" would have its head shoved in a toilet at least twice a week. In between Purple Nurples.

Despite all of this, I've learned there's a whole world of tough cookie jars out there. And these are just a few...

This is actually John Wayne. Why is "The Duke" a vessel for sweet snacks baked with love? Because his real first name is Marion.

_{FUN FACT: If you watch the Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, you're probably high enough to eat a wicked witch full of cookies before it's over.}

In its defense, it actually looks a lot like tough-guy Goldberg. But don't crack it over the head with a folding chair or your macaroons might go stale.

B. A. Baracus may have been afraid to fly, but apparently he wasn't afraid to put his image on any surface that would have it.

A Harley Davidson motorcycle jacket is the perfect thing to wear if you're an ass-kicking biker. Or a Pecan Sandie.

This may be the ultimate tough/sissy match-up I've seen. (Although I am, of course, not counting the Harley Davidson Teapot.)

Now, which one of you motherfuckers would like a nice cup of Earl Grey?