December 2006 Archives

Intrusive Fruit

There's one thing I can't stand: fruit that refuses to mind its own business.

Which is why I was understandably concerned when my wife brought home this container of Ready Pac "Meddlin' Melons".

The American Heritage Dictionary defines "meddling" as:
1. To intrude into other people's affairs or business; interfere.
2. To handle something idly or ignorantly; tamper.

I have sent the following email to the appropriate people at Ready Pac and await their answer.

Dear Sirs,

I'm writing about your fresh-cut fruit product, "Meddlin' Melons."

I recently enjoyed a big bowl of it (nice chunk-size!), but what I'd really love to know is what kind of trouble these melons were getting themselves into.

They didn't keep foiling crimes at the Ready Pac warehouse, did they? I only ask because at the end of Scooby Doo, some guy would always get his mask pulled off and say "And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids!" (I realize this is unlikely.)

Now, rather than be someone who just points out problems, I also come to you armed with solutions. So, here is a list of new melon mix names you can use (completely free of charge.)

Minglin' Melons

Medley O' Melons

Melon Mélange (that's french for "mixture". only fancy!)

Mo' Melons, Mo' Betta

Melon Ready! (great tie-in potential with songstress Helen Reddy!!)

and last but not least...

I'm Smellin' Melons!

Please get back to me and let me know which name you're going with. I'd also love to hear how you came up with the whole Meddlin' name to begin with.

Yours in Honeydew,
Steve

I'll let you all know as soon as I receive a reply.

The Horns of Christmas Morn

By request from my friend Kevin at Forgotten NY, here is a special Christmas post from 2 years ago...

My four-year-old didn't ask for much this Christmas. His main request was a little scooter "with a horn so people will know I'm coming." He even drew a picture of it in his letter to Santa.

The fat man came through with the scooter, and being the awesome Daddy, I helped out by going to Toys 'R Us to get the horn. It's pretty funny to see this big ol' bike horn mounted on this little scooter.

scooter

It seems so obvious now, but the boy totally set me up. How could I not realize the horrendous combination of "7:30 Christmas morning" and "Bike horn?"

Under the guise of cute, my son had hatched his plan for the loudest Christmas ever and succeeded. He even used me as a pawn to make it happen.

I have created a special sound bite just for you. This is not a re-enactment. This is actual audio of my horn-filled Christmas morning pulled from our video camera. (To truly enjoy the experience as I did, I suggest you turn up your speakers as loud as they can possibly go. And play it over and over.)


(or download an mp3)

Note how the official little brother babbles something in between the honking. He's speaking in Baby, but it loosely translates to "Ha ha!!! You wanted us and now you will pay! This is what you get for having sex with Mommy!!!"

The boy has a point. In the future I'm going to attach the horn to my weiner to warn my wife when I'm coming.

Let me be a cautionary tale, guys. Don't get your kids noisy presents. Get them something quiet like pillows or a nice omelet.

(But for what it's worth, they still ride that scooter all the time.)

The Blue Track & Riding the Porcelain Sleigh

Not long ago I wrote about my little one flushing the mysterious "blue track" down the toilet.

The plumber eventually returned and this time he removed the entire toilet from the floor before he attempted to unravel the mystery for good.

I'm sad to report that he find nothing more than some cardboard and part of a flushable wipe that apparently isn't as flushable as advertised.

No blue track.

I'm glad the toilet is working again, but I'm also disappointed that we'll never know what he flushed. The Blue Track will just have to take its place among the world's great mysteries like Stonehenge, and the Bermuda Triangle and the Mystery of the Very Funny Third Thing. (The mystery there being, I'm too lazy to think of it.)

But, while we're on the topic of toilets, I received a hand-drawn Christmas card last night that reminded me of something fantastic.

My friend Tom has 2 kids - ages 12 and 14. Last year, just as a goof, his kids decided to put some cookies out for Santa, along with a note. They ended it with a little smart-assery, telling Santa that if he needed to use the bathroom, it was the first door down the hall on the left.

Tom found this letter late on Christmas eve and decided to leave his kids the greatest present of all. He found some squishy ginger bread his wife had baked earlier and lovingly left it in the toilet.

He even went to the trouble of sticking some little pieces of candy cane in it, to add to the Santa authenticity.

It's this attention to detail that makes Tom a superhero.

Thanks for the card, Tom. Christmas is saved!

Hugo's Christmas in New York

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Another little Sneeze holiday tradition would be "Hugo's Christmas in New York."

"Hugo, The Man of 1000 Faces" was a toy introduced by Kenner in the 70s. He came with a bunch of cool disguises like wigs, mustaches, and weird teeth that you'd glue to his face.

A billion years ago in the 80s, my pal Tony and I took Hugo to Manhattan at Christmas time (with only his regular face) and photographed him all over the place. Here he is pictured above taking the subway right into the city. (He's tougher to spot in some of the pictures than others.)

Go check out Hugo's Christmas in New York right here.

Bell Jingle Rock Jingle Rock Rock Bell: UPDATED

Mr. E writes...

Steve,

Our story begins with one PinkStainlessTail, who in an Ask Metafilter post about a Christmas song said the following:

" I like to sing Jingle Bell Rock, but using only the words "bell", "rock", and "jingle":

Bell rock jingle rock
Bell jingle rock
Rock jingle rock
Bell jingle bell
Rock bell
Jingle
Rock rock bell
Jingle rock, jingle rock
Bell bell bell

Drives my wife nuts. I'd record an MP3 of me doing it if someone could find me a karaoke track."

Soon after, much to the chagrin of humanity as a whole, he actually did record his version of the song.

It's only fair that you have to endure it, in penance for your bringing up that O Holy Night song every year.

Your... Friend?
Mr. E
http://www.eopoint.com

Thanks, E. I'm not sure it compares to the beautiful atrocity of O Holy Night, but I do like that it comes from the pure place of something he tortures his wife with.

UPDATE: I talked to Drew over at Toothpaste for Dinner, and it's a complete coincidence that this was the drawing he put up on the same day I posted the story above.

(Drew always rocks. As does his wife, and my bud, Natalie Dee.)

2006 Holiday Slide Whistle Update 2

Good news and bad news.

The slide whistle arrived. But of all the things it does well, sliding is not one of them.

I contacted the company and they told me to try and spray some Pam in it. That didn't help, but at least it smells more buttery. And if I want to make a small, thin tube-shaped cake, I'm all set.

They then said something about making arrangments for me to send it back. This company doesn't seem to understand that I need to regale you people with holiday tunes BEFORE the holidays are over. This means I may have to brave the Los Angeles winter next week and go find one on my own.

This "song whistle" is made by the American Plating Co. I'm going to assume they mean metal plating, and not the plating where someone lies under a glass table while someone else takes a dump over their face.

Although that's closer to how I felt when I realized the slide whistle was broken.

The good news is the box plainly says: "IT IS AS EASY TO PLAY IT AS TO WHISTLE OR HUM A TUNE. YOU CAN PLAY ANY POPULAR TUNE WITH ONLY FIVE MINUTES PRACTICE."

So once I get a working one, I'm only going to practice with it for precisely five minutes before my big recital for you all.

O Holy Night of the Undead

Last week I posted the traditional horrendous O Holy Night song over here.

Eric at Zombies Comic took that and animated a zombie belting it out. Here's the email he sent me...

Hey there, Steve!

I don’t know whether to thank you or curse you. You brought back the “Holy Night” song. I had completely forgotten it. It brings tears to my eyes. Both from the pain and from joy. You know the kind… “so bad, its good…”

I’ve been planning to start working on a zombie subproject called ‘Just Add Zombies’. The basic idea is to take existing things and make them better (or worse) by adding zombies.

The audio from “Holy Night” was a good opportunity to build something quick around the idea. So if you like your auditive pain supplemented with a dose of undead, you might find the following entertaining:

You can find it here.

Cheers!

Eric

Thanks, Eric! Great job!

Bacon Wallet Winners!

Congratulations to Andrew, Nicole, Will, Colleen and Michael. They won the bacon wallets. (If you didn't already hear from me, you're not the Andrew, Nicole, Will, Colleen or Michael I'm talking about.)

It turns out that our pals at Archie McPhee (the bacon wallet providers) ran out of them the day the contest started here. So they are more rare and sought after than ever.

Please visit Archie McPhee and load up on some weirdness and fun for the holidays! You can find them at www.mcphee.com.

Thanks to everybody for entering the contest!

Bacon Wallet Bonanza!!!

Our pals at Archie McPhee have provided 5 kick-ass bacon wallets to be given away. Behold the porky splendor!

How many times have you ruined your clothes carrying around real raw bacon? I'll tell you how many. Too many!

Imagine how cool you'll be when you pull this out of your pants. And they're yours to win in The Sneeze Tell-A-Friend Contest.

The rules to enter are stupid easy:

Just email a friend about The Sneeze, and CC me on it at wallet@thesneeze.com

(Remember to CC me at wallet@thesneeze.com, or I won't know you entered.)

The deadline is this tomorrow night, Tuesday 12/12/06 at 9pm PST, when I'll pick 5 winners completely at random.

Never before has it been so easy to safeguard your cash with simulated pork. So get those emails started, yo!

If you're thinking, "Steve, I already told all my friends about The Sneeze!" That's great! Now tell your enemies and assorted nemeses!

"But Steve, I told them too!" No problem! Tell 2 strangers and Pam Dawber!

And if you're worried about spam, don't be. These emails are only being viewed and used by me to contact the winners of this contest and for no other purposes ever. I cross my heart and everything.

These Bacon Wallets have been generously donated by one of my favorite suppliers of happiness to the world: Archie McPhee. (So, please show them some clicky-love right now and check out the toys, novelties and assorted weirdness they have to offer!)

Joyner to the World

My wife and I had such a great time at Eric Joyner's art opening last week at the Corey Helford Gallery here in L.A. On display was a whole new slew of robot and donut art.

The new paintings are fantastic and the gallery even provided strolling donut girls to fit the theme. Unfortunately they were human and not robots, but we were willing to overlook this gross oversight.


The proud painter

If you're in LA, you can still see the show in person until Dec. 23. Or check out all the new paintings right here at the gallery's official site.

Here's Eric's official site. You can buy prints right here or check out more fun robot stuff at Eric's online store.

2006 Holiday Slide Whistle Update

Still no slide whistle.

The Mystery of the Blue Track

When I was little I had a small plastic car from The Archies. I guess it came from a cereal box.

I really loved this car. Which is why it doesn't make much sense that one day I marched into the bathroom while my dad was shaving, unceremoniously dropped it in the toilet, said "Bye bye, Archie Car!" and flushed it down.

I clearly wasn't thinking of the consequences. I just envisioned my car travelling through the pipes, finally achieving the motion and speed a hot rod like that deserved.

I have no idea what my three-year-old had in his head when we heard him flush the toilet the other day.

The conversation went something like:

"Did you just flush the toilet?"

"Yes."

"Did you flush anything down?"

"Yes."

"What did you flush?"

"The blue thing."

"What blue thing?"

"The track. The blue track."

The mystery of "The Blue Track" was born.

My wife and I spent the rest of the day thinking and questioning him, trying to figure out what exactly the blue track could be. We didn't crack the case, but our best guess was that he was referring to a plastic arm that held one of his tub toys to the wall.

Since he flushed the mysterious blue track, the toilet hadn't been working right. We had to call a plumber. I wasn't happy to have to spend money on this now, but at least we might unravel the mystery.

The plumber arrived and began fishing for the "blue track." A few minutes later he announced that he had retrived what my son had flushed.

It was neither blue, nor a track. It was the bath tub stopper.

Of all the things that I'd prefer my son do not flush down the toilet, I'd say the round rubber pipe-sized one that's DESIGNED TO STOP WATER is probably toward the top of the list.

We paid the plumber and he went on his way. Later that day we realized the toilet is still not flushing correctly and we're convinced the "blue track" is still down there. Along with God knows what else.

The plumber is coming back to see what else he can find. I'll keep you posted.

As far as my money goes: that's Bye bye, Archie car.

O Holy Crap

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The holidays are built on tradition, which means it's time for us to gather around the yule log and listen to that insane rendition of O Holy Night.

It has been a year, and it remains as beautifully horrible as I remember. (Here it is, presented in magical streaming whatever-it-is that makes it work.)



(or download an mp3.)

What I love about it is just when you think it couldn't possibly get any worse, it does. By a lot. And it does this more than once, building to the most glorious mess I've ever heard. I smile every time I hear it.

Slide Rules

That piccolo post from last week has had me thinking about silly instruments. So today I ordered a quality, metal SLIDE WHISTLE!

My goal is to master this ridiculous instrument as quickly as possible and regale you all with holiday tunes in the weeks to come.

I swear to God, it can't get here soon enough.

And as an added bonus -- musicians always get the chicks! It may not be the most manly instrument, but I don't think that matters. I'm just excited to get this thing in my mouth and start sliding it up and down.

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This page is an archive of entries from December 2006 listed from newest to oldest.

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