January 2006 Archives

Captain Indifferent

I was in a hobby store for my son looking for a toy plane that I knew didn't exist (a long story I won't bother you with) when a box for a model kit caught my eye. It was good ol' Captain America.

I thought it was an interesting choice that no photo of the actual model appeared on the packaging. Since that's usually not a good sign (or a great sign depending on how you look at these things), I tried to find a picture of it when I got home. I did, and it's all I could have hoped for.

The more I look at this Captain America the more I'm obsessed with him. He's not angry, he's not ready to kick ass, he just looks fantastically disenchanted. Like he didn't get the taxi he was trying to hail, or he's bummed that he has to go crime-fighting in a soggy boot.

But it's not just his lack of expression that kills me, it's his actual face. It looks like they hired some chooch to put on the Captain America suit so they could take pictures to create the model kit, and then they forgot to make the model not look like that guy.

Either that, or it's Tony Shalhoub.

Another version of the model seems to have him with a crazy Ed Grimley smile. In this one I picture him running after the other superheroes shouting, "C'mon guys, wait up!"

I'd say whichever one you get, you're still way ahead of the game. I'm totally going back to the store to buy one now.

(For other dumb superhero stuff on The Sneeze see:
Captain Avenger
Spider-Man: Adventure Hero
and Iron Jaw Part 1 and Part 2.
Or check your local library!)

iDisappointed

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It took me a long time to get the black iSkin eVo3 case for my new video iPod. It was sold out for weeks, and then it took forever to arrive after I was finally able to order one.

Sadness, however, arrived in zippy fashion.

While it does do a good job of protecting the iPod, I think it's overpriced, collects dust like a Swiffer and makes it nearly impossible to use the completely covered-up hold button, (let alone see what position it's in).

I don't know about the other cases iSkin makes, but if you're looking for a video iPod case, I'd suggest you look elsewhere.

If I was featured in an iPod commercial, instead of dancing with joy you'd see my sillouhuette just sort of moping around against an orange background, fiddling with the hold switch and wishing I had my forty bucks back.

Taste the Rainbow of Frustration

It has been my experience that when a cute girl is flirting heavily with you and then she takes her shirt off, you are about to do sex.

This, however, is not the case at strip clubs and it's part of my problem with them.

I'm especially not a fan of the mostly-naked girls talking to the patrons. To me, engaging in a conversation with women and their nipples who are only interested in my money, is a weird and frustrating experience. I'm fully aware that they are doing this flirting to get more money. But when it's happening, all I can think about is that I know this flirting is fake, but they don't really know that I know the flirting is fake. And how dare they think I'm just a gullible idiot who doesn't understand the flirting is fake?

My friends say I'm overthinking. That it doesn't matter that it's fake. That I should just relax and enjoy it. That when you go to Disneyland and see Mickey Mouse walking around, you know he's not real either, but it's still good to see him.

That all makes sense, but I still feel like I'm going to a restaurant and paying to smell the steak. Luckily I love my wife and once you get married you're no longer attracted to any other woman anyway (especially Jessica Alba), so none of this is really an issue.

But what I'm really trying to say here is, I don't like the new Skittles Gum.

Skittles gum has perfectly replicated the Skittles experience. Except you can't eat them.

They are the same shape and size of real Skittles. The flavor is identical to real Skittles. And even though it's gum, the texture is still bizarrely close to real Skittles. The whole thing is like candy torture.

I tried convincing myself that they are brilliant. That they're the closest thing to an Everlasting Gobstopper, like Skittles that just last a really long time. Except that every two chews, all I want to do is swallow it.

I think when I want to "taste the rainbow" I'll stick to real Skittles. And not Skittles gum: the strippers of candy.

Here are more Reviews You Can Use.

Love & Methane: An Open Discussion

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It's been well over a year since this has been on the front screen. These stories never fail to amuse me, so it's back. I'm hoping we can get some new insight into this crucial romantic turning point...

*************

methane

I'm curious about a milestone we reach in relationships. People have very specific thoughts and rules about kissing on a first date and when it's okay to have sex for the first time, but when is it cool to let out that first fart?

Is there a proper etiquette to crossing this bridge? What's the best way to do it? Do you think it's good to get it right out there in the open, or wait like my father and literally let your very first shared emission be in the elevator on your honeymoon. (I love that, and salute him for his timing.)

I remember the following conversation I had with my wife early on in our relationship, as we drove along in her car:

Me: "So. How long have we been dating now?"

Her: "I dunno. 3 or 4 months?"

Me: (taking her hand) "Well... I think we've been together long enough that I can talk to you about something."

Her: (getting nervous) "Okay...?"

I then rip one.

She laughed. And then rolled down the windows. It's been smooth sailing ever since.

How have you broken this ice? Like sex, how long should one wait? Are the rules different for men and women? Did your loved one find a creative way to introduce this aspect of your relationship?

For A Good Time Call...

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While we were staying with my in-laws, I realized things were oddly quiet and I called out for my two-year-old. He answered, and I found him in my father-in-law's bedroom playing with a bottle of prescription ear medicine, with the cap off.

I was immediately terrified, and tried to find out if he swallowed it. He and I then conducted the following ridiculous interrogation scene...

Me: What did you do with this?

Him: I PUT IT IN DA BELLY BUTTON.

Me: Okay... did you put it in your mouth?

Him: .... yeah.

I couldn't tell if he was telling the truth, so I pressed on.

Me: Did you put it on your foot?

Him: No.

Me: Did you put it in your... nose?

Him: No.

Me: Did you put it in your... mouth?

Him: ... yeah.

Shit! He really did it.

I looked up the number for poison control and called. They really knew their stuff. The woman was immediately able to tell me that the medicine wasn't toxic. She was also highly amused at the belly button answer.

Calling Poison Control was such a pleasant experience that I was actually looking forward to calling them again 5 days later when he walked into the kitchen carrying a giant tub of Vaseline.

Me: What are you doing with that?

Him: I EATIN' IT!

This kid is out of control. You know those scenes where raccoons break into the cabin and wreck the kitchen in minutes, eating anything they can? That's him.

I wasn't too panicked about this one, but the jar did say that if gets eaten that I should call my buds back at Poison Control.

I did, and they said it was no big deal, but he might experience a mild laxative effect.

Good. Serves him right for making me experience one when I walked in and found him with the bottle of fucking ear medicine.

Pop Art

There's some very cool art to be found on Tootsie Pop wrappers-- as well as a few interesting myths.

The most common belief is that if your wrapper contains the little American Indian shooting his arrow at the star, you can send it back to the company in exchange for free candy. This is not true. Apparently if you do send in your wrapper, all you'll get is a pamphlet with a fake legend about the Indian. (And an empty, hollow feeling inside.)

Although I've heard that many local candy stores did choose to honor the idea and give kids free Tootsie Pops in exchange for Indian wrappers.

My friend Lori firmly believes that if you get an Indian wrapper, you need to throw it away over your left shoulder and make a wish. As long as you do not see the wrapper ever again, your wish will come true.

I can't tell you if that one works yet, but if you see me anytime soon with a 9 foot bulge in my pants, you can thank Lori.

I got to thinking about all the other cool characters on the Tootsie wrappers and decided they, too, should have their day in the sun. So for your candy art appreciation, here is every Tootsie Pop kid -- blown up, cleaned up and pieced together into their single continuous sheet.

The world may never know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but I can tell you how many kids appear on the wrappers... 33.


Cup Lust

Is it weird that I can't stop feeling up my coffee cup?

These Dixie Perfectouch cups are coated with some mystical hoodoo that's slightly rubbery and slightly bubbly and I've developed deep deep feelings for them.

If footballs were made with Perfectouch I believe there would be no more fumbles. In part because the texture is so unslippery, but more because running backs will just refuse to put them down.

And look at what I found at Package Design Magazine...

Dixie Foodservice Business
of Georgia-Pacific Corporation
Dixie PerfecTouch Cup
2002 Best of the Best (Overall Winner)

You better believe it.

I could go on, but I have a latte that needs fondling.

The Revenge of Franklinstein

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My friend Anthony was flipping through the channels the other night, and his father said, "Wait, go back. That was "It's a Great Life!" He was referring to the holiday classic, "It's a Wonderful Life."

Because my friends and I are lovable assholes, I can promise you that "It's a Wonderful Life" is going to be "It's a Great Life" for the rest of eternity.

I should point out, these occurrences aren't a mere slip of the tongue. These are prime examples of genuine, old-fashioned, Grade A confusion.

Like the time Don's mom was in the mood for a little Ralph Macchio and said, "Why don't you go to the video store and rent Hey, Vinnie?" Or everybody's favorite movie with two chicks driving a car off a cliff, "Tina & Louise."

Or my Dad talking many times about "Franklinstein." Or the classic culinary advertising campaign he firmly believes is "Pork: The Other Meat."

And Pete's father-in-law who loves to watch "Steinfeld."

Have any of these come up in your travels? If you share them here, I believe we truly can make it a great life. The comment board is NOW CLOSED.

O Holy Update

Last week I had posted a link in the Sidebar to this magically horrendous holiday classic.

What I love about it is just when you think it couldn't possibly get any worse, it does. By a lot. And more than once. I smile every time I hear it.

While no one seems to know who actually sang it (it has nothing to do with the site that it's on), I did receive this email which might fill in a few of the blanks...

Steve,

I received a copy of that song at least 2, maybe 3 Christmas seasons ago after hearing it at our youth group meeting.

My friend Chris said that he received the song from the good folks at CIY (Christ In Youth). CIY is an organization that puts on huge youth conferences on college campuses, usually over the summer.

Chris is on one of their leadership committees and the story goes that that recording was circulated amongst the committee after it had been submitted as an audition tape. CIY typically has singing or talent night (at least I remember they used to) and this recording is a serious audition tape. No joke. It's serious.

I play that song every year for my high school students to lighten them up before they take their Fall semester exams. I have heard that mp3 circulate from time to time, most notably hearing it on NPR's Annoying Music Minute a couple of years ago. Now it is truly famous, thanks Steve.

Jeremiah

Here's the mention of it on NPR's "Annoying Music" from 2002 (with no info on the singer, either).

Perhaps it's better left a Christmas mystery.

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This page is an archive of entries from January 2006 listed from newest to oldest.

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