February 23, 2005

The Sneeze Mailbag

Let's see what's in the old mailbag today...

Dear Friends Of The Committee,

It has come to the attention of the committee that certain companies have been lying to us.

Many companies claim that their products are "cinnamon flavoured" (i.e. cinnamon hearts, cinnamon flavoured gum, cinnamon flavoured toothpaste, cinnamon altoids etc.) The products however are not actually flavoured in the way cinnamon is.

One of the committe members brought this to our attention after the taste of her gum was so gone that she proceeded to sprinkle cinnamon onto her piece of gum. This, however, did not result in giving her gum the "cinnamon flavour" she was so accustomed to (though it did result in giving her gum the texture of mad paste)

This member was outraged that she has been lied to her whole life, that the flavour referred to as "cinnamon" is not loyal to the true taste of cinnamon.

I am writing you this email to ask for support in the committee's "Boycott Of All Candies/Gums/Toothpastes and Other Food Products That Are Labelled "Cinnamon Flavoured" When They Are Merely Flavoured With A Flavour Totally Unlike Actual Cinnamon".

We hope that our boycott will persuade the companies to change their labels to "Our Sorry Excuse for Cinnamon" Flavoured.

Thank You and Sincerely,
Vicky Stubbs, Your Local CPWLPOTPM Representitive


You bring up a wonderful point, and I wish your organization good luck! I would love to help out more, but I'm currently involved in forming my own action group: The Committee To Not Spell "Flavor" With A "U". But thanks for writing!


Kelly writes...

You seem to be the kind of guy who would have either the answer to my question or a reader-base with the answer to a question that has been bugging me for some time now. I would like to know how to respond when someone asks, “What’s up?” Since we know no one really expects an answer I have tried to come up with a snappy comeback but the brain tends not to respond fast enough to make the response timely enough to be witty. Rather it usually just misses the beat. Can you give me some ideas?


Kenan and/or Kelly,

If I were to ask you "What's Up?" your best response would probably be "My nipples." Only because you'd be telling the truth. I'm out-of-control sexy. I swear to God.

But let's toss this out to the fine readership of The Sneeze. Can you guys help Kelly out?

The comment board is NOW CLOSED.

Click here for The Sneeze Home Page!
Posted by Steven | Archive

"The Sky"


Posted by: Ryan at February 23, 2005 2:38 PM

it's an adverb meaning over or above

Posted by: tim at February 23, 2005 2:39 PM

the current death-toll in Sudan.

Posted by: mary at February 23, 2005 2:51 PM

I've found that if you answer with something like, "not really" it confuses the dumb ones and amuses the quick ones. It's a good way to sort people out right up front.

Posted by: Andrew at February 23, 2005 2:51 PM


i am honest to god sexy,
so if I said "my nipples," it would be acceptable.

I was voted "Sexiest Man in the Universe" 3 times running.

Or come on. you could say, something from the '90's like "Your Mamma!"

Posted by: Jesus at February 23, 2005 2:52 PM

There is no snappy answer to that question. Any attempt at snappiness results in either goofiness or nerdiness (see above (sorry, guys)). Best bet is to feign absolute indignation over a perceived slight in the hopes that he'll never again ask, "What's up?":

Some Guy: 'Yo, Kells! What's up?'
Kelly: 'What's up?! WHAT'S UP?! I'll tell you what's UP, mister I-Go-Around-Asking-People-What's-Up! Mr. I'm-Too-Good-To-Use-People's-Real-Names-So-I-Try To-Make-Up-Clever-Nicknames! Mr. Look-At-Me! I think I'm so hot! AAAARGH!'
Some Guy: 'Geez... what's up with her?'

Posted by: Ethan at February 23, 2005 2:59 PM

I am an avid Canadian reader of The Sneeze, and I must convey my dissapointment in the utter disrespect for our spelling of the word Flavour. ....well not really, just though I would let you know one possible reason why the author spelled it the way they did. Savour, colour, they all have U's. You know, we like to do extra work for nothing

Posted by: Misty at February 23, 2005 3:04 PM

If I'm feeling really bitchy, I respond with, "I'm cramping like a bitch, how are you?"

Posted by: Lauren at February 23, 2005 3:06 PM

"The hits on my website"

Which by the way is www.flyhive.blogspot.com

Posted by: flyno20 at February 23, 2005 3:19 PM

I usually respond with "Not much". If it's somebody I look forward to/good friend I usually reply with a "Sup?" back, never really answering the question.

Posted by: steven (not from sneeze) at February 23, 2005 3:25 PM

you could always say:

"my buttplug."

Posted by: mary at February 23, 2005 3:29 PM

I apologize to all you good Canadian and "U" using people. I actually thought about that as I was typing, but couldn't resist the joke.

Your Obnoxious American Pal,

Posted by: Steve at February 23, 2005 3:43 PM

first of i cant help on the cinnamon as i never come accross it as a flavor in things here in england.

as to "whats up" i would say you got a few chouises here. first of just reply whats up. secondly you can go wiv "yer im good" or sumthing like that. or your 3rd option poor your heart put ant tell thme y your laife is so bad or good.

by the way it woun't let me have a .co .uk email address

Posted by: Jack at February 23, 2005 3:46 PM

Don't forget to make amends to the British, Australians, New Zealanders and any other former British colony.

Posted by: nitpick mcdick at February 23, 2005 3:46 PM

When asked "..whats up?"...i usually say " if i told you, you would be disgusted"

Posted by: wayne at February 23, 2005 3:49 PM

What's up?
Chicken butt.
What's new?
Chicken poo.
But why?
Chicken pie.

I think I learned that about 20 years ago, duh!

Posted by: Marissa at February 23, 2005 4:13 PM

Yeah, what is that noun-cinnamoun flavour anyway? I have always just called it "Spicy Red."

To answer the second question, I think we should turn to the Robots-In-Residence:


Ask them a question and they will write you back!


Posted by: the entire state of washington at February 23, 2005 4:14 PM

I would defer to Firesign Theatre.

"What's up?"

"We ain't. Got any more loco weed?"

Posted by: Keith at February 23, 2005 4:18 PM

i've been using this one for *yeeeears* but you can borrow it if you'd like...

"sky, trees, birds, clouds, hard dicks, and airplanes."

always makes people do a double-take.

Posted by: kim at February 23, 2005 4:34 PM

"What's up?" -> "Ain't nothin' but the rent."

Posted by: Ben at February 23, 2005 4:39 PM

I've been saying "the sky" for twenty years.

People get irritated when I say it now, but fuck them, what business is it of theirs?

Posted by: Raijin Z at February 23, 2005 5:01 PM

the cinnamon schtick:

now, let me get this straight. do you honestly expect your chewing gum, something made from questionable materials, to taste like true cinnamon? thank your lucky angel sphincters that it doesn't taste like the molten rodeo pylon that it undoubtedly is.

Posted by: mary at February 23, 2005 5:12 PM

By the way, when I say "What's up?" I usually am looking for a micro-update on what's going on at the moment. I don't think you need to feel so much pressure to be snappy.

Posted by: Steve at February 23, 2005 5:57 PM

I've always had that problem with "What's up?" too; it always leads to an awkward moment. But I'm just too cool for "What's up?" anyway.

Posted by: Jordon at February 23, 2005 6:04 PM

Q: What's Up?
A: Yes.

Simple. The question is meaningless, so why shouldn't the answer be also?

This would also have the added advantage of simply ending that conversation.

As for the Flavour/Flavor/Flava debate, please.... Flavour is British in origin, not Canadian. And the only reason Americans spell it Flavor is due to the fact that they are generally a pretty idle and arrogant race, and thus can rarely be bothered to write a full word without attempting to skip a letter here and there, and then presume they are totally correct in doing so.

As for Flava, well, he's just kind weird in a 'fluffy-bunny-with-gold-teeth' kind of way.

Posted by: Ben at February 23, 2005 6:13 PM

I had only singled out Canada because I know this has a decent chunk of Canadian fans.

Posted by: Steve at February 23, 2005 6:17 PM

Yes actually. We are very Canadian and rather forget you Americans are all strange with the spelling. "U" is an important letter up here, we are currently considering writing to some government person so that "U" day can become our national February day off.

Also, I really like the Victrola thing. I mean I've been vixen, vixy, vickers, vicka, vick, vicky, victoria, tori, garlic bread nose, and a score of others, but I will have to start with the victrola.

Posted by: Victrola at February 23, 2005 6:18 PM

y'know, a while back, I discovered that "What's up?" may share toothbrushes with "Top o' the mornin'". so you could just say 'the morning'.

Posted by: kitsune at February 23, 2005 6:32 PM

There's the old summer-camp standby: "My IQ" -- Ha! We rolled in the aisles over that one.

Posted by: kneeko at February 23, 2005 6:38 PM

"What's up?"
"Do I smell Bacon?"

Works best if there isn't any bacon smell in the air. Feel free to replace this question with one equally ridiculous.

Like my father always used to say, "if you don't have an answer, simply be an ass."

Posted by: Josh at February 23, 2005 6:43 PM

As long as we're soliciting conversational advice, let's all figure out ways to work "molten rodeo pylon" into everyday conversation.

Posted by: m.r.p. at February 23, 2005 6:50 PM

Why has no-one else mentioned to Jim that "up" is most definitely not an adverb. It's an adjective.

Posted by: Oliver at February 23, 2005 7:22 PM

***Like my father always used to say, "if you don't have an answer, simply be an ass."

I think I've found another good sig.

Posted by: Keith at February 23, 2005 7:26 PM

you can always turn the question around on them..for example:

dude/dudette:whats up?
you:hm..you tell me.. what IS up?

then they will answer something unwitty and you would feel wittier than them...without ever being witty at all..

Posted by: jo at February 23, 2005 7:41 PM

up is an adjective, adverb, noun, verb and preposition depending on context.

however, in the most common usage of up (as in the opposite of down) it's an adverb.

but, as for the what's up question, i typically put a twist on the IQ response and say "not your IQ"

Posted by: telepwn at February 23, 2005 8:02 PM

I hate people who try to be witty with that question. You can either say "nothing much" or actually say how things are with you but trying to say something cute is more annoying than the person asking the question in the first place.

Posted by: Jeannie at February 23, 2005 8:27 PM

OK, I admit that when placed with a verb, "up" could be an adverb, eg Look up, move up, run up. However, "what" can never be a verb, so in this context at least, "up" is an adjective. It's like saying "what's blue?" Blue is an adjective there. You would never argue that "blue" could be an adverb now would you?

Posted by: Oliver at February 23, 2005 8:34 PM

All this talk of snappy responses has got me to thinking. Whenever someone asks me that infamous question, I'm going to start giving them a good open handed slap on the face.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Posted by: Andrew at February 23, 2005 8:35 PM

I like to blow off the question entirely and say, "Hey.... how's it goin?" That way you're giving them another stupid and useless question in return.

P.S. Does it piss anyone else off that people use the comment sections to exploit their own pages? If you can't generate the hits on your own, please don't pollute Steve's immaculate site with your half-assed propaganda.

Posted by: Colin's hot sister at February 23, 2005 9:18 PM

My boyfriend drives me crazy when I ask "What's up?" and he simply looks at the sky. Or ceiling, or whatever happens to be up at the time. I ask out of habit. I think I'm going to stop.

I don't know why we are so outraged about fake cinnamon flavor when the monstrosity that is "artificial grape" is loose.

Posted by: Jamie at February 23, 2005 9:21 PM

as suggested by Dave, i asked the robots. response:

"Your algorithm appears to be scrambled."

good answer, i'd say.

Posted by: katrina at February 23, 2005 9:44 PM

My habitual responses to "what's up?"

"The opposite of down."


"The primary vector in the three dimensional model of flight."

Posted by: IPM Radio at February 23, 2005 10:30 PM

I have to agree, I prefer the good ol' Canadian spelling of flavour and for that matter colour. You silly American's trying to save time by dropping letters.

As for the cinnamon, I disagree. Just add some sugar to the ground cinnamon and the artificial candy flavour is pretty damn close.

"What's up?": If its not readily apparent, I usually respond by ranting about what I was just doing at that moment. People don't seem to actually want a response to their question, so its fun to give them one.

Posted by: Phil at February 23, 2005 10:32 PM

"What's up?"

"Possum soup! Possum soup! All the little boys and girls love possum soup!"

Posted by: Dave at February 23, 2005 10:39 PM

The best answer to the "What's up?" question is:

"My god damn herpes outbreak is killing me and I've been scratching at the sores all (morning/day - depending on when you're being asked)!" then go and touch the other person with your hand and/or pat them on the back or whatever.

Watch the look of terror on their face as they realize what you just said -- then realize what you just did.

It could be priceless. Get your camera phone ready to capture the moment ...

Posted by: Dossy at February 23, 2005 10:45 PM

I've found that if you answer with something like, "not really" it confuses the dumb ones and amuses the quick ones. It's a good way to sort people out right up front.

That's exactly something I would do. I love messing with people. *smirk*

Posted by: HollyBerry at February 23, 2005 11:38 PM

For a while I'd answer, "The cost of living," but then one time my interlocutor turned out to be an economist, and he said something like, "Actually the cost of living is down as a percentage of real wages over a thirty-year trend..." So I felt dumb and didn't say that anymore.

Posted by: Jay Nickola at February 24, 2005 12:25 AM

What's up?:
Hard dicks and airplanes. Which one you been riding? That's the best one I've heard.

Posted by: Cynthia at February 24, 2005 12:33 AM

"-our" suffix fo' life. :(

Posted by: Tom at February 24, 2005 2:19 AM

Anyone peeved by Steve's prejudice against "flavour" (I personally prefer "flava") is welcome to join my new action committee, "The Committee Not To Split Infinitives."

Posted by: Caleb at February 24, 2005 5:06 AM

"What's up?"

"Anything above eye level, but I suppose that depends on your point of view."

Posted by: Smidge204 at February 24, 2005 5:36 AM

Hey, am I the only one who spotted this? I don't think Steve was responding to the Cinnamon letter when he said, "Kenan and/or Kelly", since to my knowledge, the cinnamon letter was from Vicky...

So I'm curious of two things...1. Why are people commenting on the cinnamon letter?

2. Am I the only one who thinks that "Kenan and/or Kelly" is a reference to the Nickelodeon show, "Kenan and Kel"? After all, Steve has some experience with the ol' Nickel crowd....

Maybe I'm just a nerd, maybe I'm being pretentious...maybe I should get back to work before my boss sees me typing comments on a website...

Posted by: Daniel at February 24, 2005 5:47 AM

Actually, most cinnamon in North America isn't even true cinnamon... it is Cassia, or Chinese Cinnamon:


Also, don't forget we Americans spell "centre" incorrectly, too.

I love bi-lingual signs such as "Centre Rideau Centre".

Posted by: Cassia at February 24, 2005 6:15 AM

i would say something cool like:

up is up
down is down
pound for pound
i'm the greatest fighter in the wooooorld!

that would both impress and intimidate, then you can move in for the digits. it's my move, but you can use it. it's cool.

PS - check me out!

Posted by: Leo at February 24, 2005 6:17 AM

ugh. come ON. "what's up", "what up", "wat's up or down"...these are all lame questions from eighth grade notes written during math class. just answer with what everyone wants to hear..."nothing" and move on. if they are so interested they would have asked "how are you?" or "did that stalker leave assprints on your sliding glass door again?" or a question designated just for you. "what's up" is simply rhythm in the conversation nowadays. don't fuck with the rhythm. answer quick and get on to better things.

Posted by: nic at February 24, 2005 6:29 AM

I had an ex that used to say "Hard dicks and airplanes"

Posted by: Chris at February 24, 2005 6:36 AM

As Norm Peterson would say:

You: What's Up Norm!
Norm: The corners of my mouth.
Norm: The temperature under my collar.
Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there!

Posted by: Gary at February 24, 2005 6:39 AM

Whenever people try to be cute if I ask them what's up, I'm immediately overcome by an urge to punch them in the neck. The next genuinely amusing comeback I read on here will be the first. People don't want an answer to, "What's up?"; they're just trying to be polite. If they want to know what's actually up with you, they'll invest more than seven letters in trying to find out.

Posted by: The Camel at February 24, 2005 7:32 AM

What I've used when asked, what's up?

Cost of living.
Not my testes, they dropped when I was ten.

Posted by: Uncle Horns at February 24, 2005 7:47 AM

Q.What's up?
A.Livin' the good life, you know how it is!

^^^That's what I say. Think it nerdy, cool, whatever.

Attention all you British "blokes" and "birds",
you may call elevators "lifts" (makes sense I think), but what do you call escalators? Just curious.

Posted by: Felix at February 24, 2005 7:55 AM

About the cinnamon flavoured items, I wouldn't worry about it. Have you ever tasted real pure cinnamon? It's really not that good. I'd just as soon stick to the way they have it now. If I complain too much, they might just change it to the taste of real cinnamon.

And as for the "what's up", Steve is right. "My nipples" is the best answer, though I like best a response that makes no sense because it confuses the hell out of people and that's always fun.

By the way, it won't let me use a co. uk address for my email.

Posted by: Dev at February 24, 2005 8:08 AM

I usually respond to "What's up" with "Great!" and respond to "How you doing?" with "Not much?" I let them sort it all out.

Posted by: endothermal at February 24, 2005 8:30 AM

This website proposes the same question while trying to disseminate some kind of program. The whole website confuses me.


Posted by: velvel at February 24, 2005 8:46 AM

The cinnamon thing confuses me. So does pepper. There's the kind that sits in a shaker next to the salt, and then there's the vegetable. Is the kind in the shaker just ground up peppers, or pepper seeds, or are they just two completely unrelated things that happen to have the same name? I'm also not sure if "carmel" and "caramel" are the same thing. I think the difference is one has more "a" in it.

Posted by: John at February 24, 2005 8:57 AM

Cool Guy: Whats up??
Me: Shutup!! (in a very sarcastic tone)


Cool Guy: Whats up??
Me(Drunk): My finger in your mama!!!
Cool Guy then punches me in the face...

Posted by: Dave at February 24, 2005 8:58 AM

as a comedic genius, i feel that i need to say this... anybody with a "witty" answer to that question is NOT FUNNY.

hey bob.. WHAT'S UP? "the sky!" yuck yuck

this is STUPID.. DO NOT SAY THIS. not only is it moronic, but the very person that said the admittedly stupid "what's up?" is now pitying you for your unoriginality.

so next time

hey bob.. what's up
bob: FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHER FUCKING BITCH!.. it's a bit extreme.. but they'll never ask again

Posted by: richard at February 24, 2005 9:15 AM

I always have been fond of replying
"I can't say that I am not unwell."

Nothing like a good old triple negative to leave them scratching their heads.

Posted by: Jeep at February 24, 2005 9:18 AM

I think the "U" was dropped from words like "flavour" and "colour" in an effort to Americanize the English language, and make it... well... less British. Who would want to write like those limey bastards anyway? (I'm just kidding... those bastards aren't so limey anymore).

...and why is the cinnamon candy red? A cinnamon stick looks brown to me. I suppose that marketing shit colored candy that burns your mouth is too difficult.

Posted by: Zclone at February 24, 2005 10:10 AM

I have often thought about the concept of "what's up", I put it in the same basket as "just hanging out" or "I'm chillin" Generally when people ask me "what's up", rather than try and impress them with my enormous brain(which they are usually gawking at anyway) I answer the question based on the contemporary assumption of "what's up" meaning something more akin to "what is new?" "how are you?" or the more guttural "what you do?" So I answer with a heartfelt "not much". It's heartfelt, not so much because of how I say it, but because that's something I picked up from my girlfriend, but we just broke up, so now when I catch myself doing it, it's one of those things.

Anyway, to answer your question, not much, how about you?

Posted by: Kiefo at February 24, 2005 10:16 AM

My uncle always used to reply to "What's up?" with the witty reply, "Hard dicks 'n Helicopters."

I always liked it.

Posted by: Jakeums at February 24, 2005 10:26 AM

Here in the UK it's Flavour too. We INVENTED English. :p

Also, why not see what is "up"? Kelly could use the informative answer, ie. "obesity rate" "Stocks in McDonalds" or something. This will be so annoying people will think twice before asking again.

Posted by: angelcat at February 24, 2005 10:47 AM

I always keep it simple and mildly confusing...

"What's up?"

"Pretty good."

Posted by: Chocky at February 24, 2005 11:10 AM

Well, it all depends on your definition of up. Technically, down can be up, depending on your perspective. Its like this: If someone in antarctica asks "whats up" and you're an Elf at the North Pole, the person is really asking whats down. In this situation, you can make up a comment like "The temperature" and it would make sense to both of you, because you both live in a frozen wasteland.

Posted by: seymour bibbons, Esq. at February 24, 2005 11:11 AM

I prefer:

"What's up?"

"Ice cream doesn't have bones, silly."

Then I start guffawing like it's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. That's what I do when my psychiatrist asks me. Then he ups the lithium dose. Mmmmmmmm... Lithium.

Posted by: Dan H at February 24, 2005 11:34 AM

What's up?
Gas prices

Posted by: katareina at February 24, 2005 11:54 AM

Standard response to "what's up" (since it occurs mostly at the workplace) is "my blood pressure".

Cinnamon sucks unless you mix it with sugar, then it's great - that's the flavor they're going for. Add to butter and toast and we have a potential magma of pleasure (think Cinnabon).

Quit getting your blogs in my peanut butter.

Posted by: Heather at February 24, 2005 12:10 PM

I usually say something like "not my bank account balance" and get a decent laugh out of people.
But then again, most people are retarded...... actually scratch that "not my bank account" thing, thats not one tiny bit funny. Weak attempt

Posted by: Jamie at February 24, 2005 12:28 PM

Why, we spell "color" without "u" and "center" without "re" so we don't seem like pretentious wankers.

Posted by: Eric at February 24, 2005 12:51 PM

I think people should just stop asking "What's up" all together. I say hows it going because then they dont even have to think they just say fine... and generaly i dont really care about what their answer is anyways and fine is short and sweet and donesnt waste alot of my time. But when people ask me whats up i generaly go into detail about how my pet got ran over with a bus and how there are guts all over my street now and how i have to think about it everytime i come home... they tend to stop asking after you have about 27 pets all die the same way by the same red car. Now people ask me hows it going because they all got bored of the same old pet story.

Posted by: someone at February 24, 2005 1:27 PM

woops i changed from bus to red car... oh well noone would have noticed it anyway if i haddent said anything.

Posted by: someone at February 24, 2005 1:29 PM

The Cinnamon flaevouar in most candies just means spicy hot as far as I can tell.

Btw, try cinnamon in chili, mmm,mmm, good. Really.
UK people, try it on sheep innards, it can't do too much harm, can it?

Posted by: felix at February 24, 2005 1:46 PM

The correct response to "What's up?" so far as I have determined is the truncated "'sup?", like a call and response. For you wiseguys, the correct response is "My alcohol tolerance."

Posted by: Dick Deadeye at February 24, 2005 2:10 PM

To take a step back to the adverb/adjective debate for a sec, I'd like to address comments made by an Oliver earlier. It is very true we wouldn't call "what" a verb in the phrase "What's up?", however we would say that "is" is a verb. "What's up? = What is up?" Verb followed by adverb. Sorry, English lesson now over.

When asked "What's up?", just say "huh?" over and over until the person gets tired of asking you and walks away.

Posted by: Drew at February 24, 2005 3:05 PM

A multiple of the vector

Posted by: Colin's hot sister at February 24, 2005 3:52 PM

Dammit.... gonna have to use parentheses. The vector: (0,0,1)

Posted by: Colin's hot sister at February 24, 2005 3:53 PM

I'd also like to quote Norm Peterson - "It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing milkbone underwear"

It may not have much to do with the question, but it's good for a laugh.

Posted by: Anna at February 24, 2005 4:22 PM

Well, I never gave it much thought until now.

I usually look up for a while and then say: "Not much."

It gets a few laughs. Maybe.

Posted by: Tom at February 24, 2005 5:45 PM

I always just answer with whatever's directly above me...usually the ceiling.

Posted by: Skeeve at February 24, 2005 7:02 PM

to correct marissa:

what's new?
chicken poo.
what's up?
chicken butt.
chicken thigh.

although chicken pie can be tasty, too. maybe not so much the poo. do chickens poo? what does that look like?

Posted by: Anthony at February 24, 2005 8:03 PM

Guy: "What's up?"

Kelly: "Your dick, now that you're seeing me!"

Posted by: james nolan at February 24, 2005 10:24 PM

"What's up?"

"The number of times my herpes outbreaks come nowadays. I knew I shouldn't have fucked that homeless guy on heroin in a dark alley that night but I couldn't help myself; I'm a dirty nympho. That reminds me, I need to schedule another appointment with my gyno. Hey, why don't you come over to my place for a drink?"

"Um, I have to run. I have some business to take care of. It was nice meeting you. Take care."

Posted by: HollyBerry at February 25, 2005 1:41 AM

When somebody asks you "What's up?", the proper response is most obviously the most scientific one. So, when somebody asks you the aformentioned question, you simply reply:

"The opposite direction of the gravitational pull of any celestial body."

Not only do you succeed in giving a correct answer, but you come out of it looking intelligent while also confusing the living hell out of the person who has posed the question.


Posted by: Colin at February 25, 2005 2:04 AM

How about you just flip out, and just start yeling at the person to look up on their own time, and stop being so lazy as to ask someone else to do something so mundane as simply look in an upwards direction.That's what I used to do to all my freinds who said that, and now no one talks to me.

Posted by: OEE at February 25, 2005 6:30 AM

My name has made this conversational exchange even more interesting:

Them: "What's up, Chuck?"
Me: "It's a euphemism for vomit."

So, I'd suggest you change your name to Chuck, and then you'll *always* have a witty retort.

Posted by: Chuck at February 25, 2005 7:45 AM

C'mon "Chuck"! (if that is your REAL name)
I can't believe anyone called Chuck uses the word "euphamism"! Your witty rejoinder is merely a fantasy that you can only dream of rejoinding!

flaievouyr! (there! i used every a,e,i,o, and u, and sometimes y! yesss!)

Posted by: Felix at February 25, 2005 11:33 AM

ooops, euphEmism.

Posted by: Felix at February 25, 2005 11:35 AM

"whats up?" is lame but i usually respond by saying "shit" or "this and that"... then walk away...

Posted by: mistyLynn at February 25, 2005 11:58 AM

When I ask "What's up?" it's usually because I actually want to know how you've been or what's been going on, and it definately doesn't require an obnoxious response. I think the real culprits are the people who ask "Sup?" as a greeting and walk by without waiting for a response. In this case, of course, you should secretly make a voodoo doll of this person and sew its mouth shut with a rusty needle. or just get over it, whatever works.

Posted by: Sarah at February 25, 2005 12:24 PM

your mama is a good one.

Posted by: flyno20 at February 25, 2005 12:51 PM

to answer the what's up question.. you could just start the bob and weave maneuver with your head go all rain man and say " I'm a very good driver yeah.. really good driver..." Then wander off.

As far as the flavor/flavour thing goes:
As far as Ben said about Americans being idle/arrogant etc.. as I real while the British were spending their precious time spelling FlavoUr, SavoUr etc.. we were out whipping their asses over in the colonies not once but twice!

I like to think of Americans as: "highly motivated to remove frivolous non-essential vowels from our otherwise stream-lines high-powered super language OF DEATH!."


Posted by: Dave-o at February 25, 2005 1:08 PM

I think you may like my favorite word, "facetiously", which contains each vowel in the English language (including y) IN ORDER!! Now how sweet is THAT?!? It's so linguistically pleasing.
(And yeah, it doesn't have "w", but that's a matter of opinion in any case.)

Posted by: Victoria at February 25, 2005 1:09 PM

facetiously...hmmm, yes I think do feel a sense of satisfaction. Now I must roll over and take a nap. zzz

Posted by: Felix at February 25, 2005 1:40 PM

when was "w" EVER considered to be a vowel???

Posted by: Laura at February 25, 2005 7:02 PM

I'm asked "what's up?" all the time at work. I keep a stable of responses to that question handy:

"It is *not*."
"Nothing illegal, I assure you, despite what you may have heard."
"I'm... just not sure."
"You may be right."
"Oh, gosh... you'll want to ask (name of co-worker) for the whole story."
"Tell you in a sec... hold this for me?"

Or, my personal favorite: develop a long diatribe about anything on your mind and fire it off in as close to a single breath as you can, i.e.:

"The fast-food concept of 'curly fries' is simply a poor excuse to under-season regular fries in an effort to upsell you the superior product while claiming a lower sodium figure for their regular fries but if I wanted oily potato wedges I could have done that myself at home darn it but how are you?"

Posted by: Cap'n Curry at February 26, 2005 3:23 AM

Some people consider "w" a vowel when it comes between two vowels, or that it's a "semivowel" like "y". This link [http://dictionary.reference.com/help/faq/language/w/w-as-vowel.html] is a question asked on Dictionary.com about "w" as a vowel. An aspect of English that is slowly disappearing is the use of a breathy w in words like "who", "what", "when", "where", etc. Others say that it only serves in vowel combinations, and never as a singular vowel. Like I said, it's a matter of opinion. (This website [http://www.ncgia.ucsb.edu/~ashton/quiz/vowel.html] also has some interesting information.)

Posted by: Victoria at February 26, 2005 11:26 AM

I'm sure this has been said numerous times, but I'm just too lazy to read 100 posts to find out.

When someone asks me "What's Up?" I simply reply with the same question "What's Up?". I don't believe it's actually meant to be answered, but merely a state of acknowledgement of the other person. You don't want to see some one you know walking in the hall the opposite direction of you and not say something to him or her, but you don't want to stop and engage in a lengthy conversation either. If someone says "What's up?" to me, my most common answer is "Not much." or "What's up, or".

However, if I am the one to engage first, I'll just simply nod my head acknowledging them. Sometimes I'll just simply say there name. They usually reply in saying my name, or some sort of pronoun, or a nod.

Me: *while nodding* Austin.
Austin: *also nods* Jehremy.

Haha, I doubt you understood any of this and I just wasted five minutes of your life. Sorry.


Posted by: Jehremy at February 26, 2005 4:04 PM

Up in this useage is an adjective. And no witty answers, please. They make me want to smack someone. When I ask "what's up", I am using a colloquial expression of "what's going on?". And yes, I really DO want to know (that's why I asked, duh). If you answer me "the sky" or "the ceiling" one more time, I swear I'm gonna strangle you....sorry, thought I was talking to my husband for a moment...

And Daniel Webster (of dictionary fame) was the one to change all the spellings by taking out "u"s and reversing "re" endings. He wanted the United States to have its own version of the English language. And he just hated the British that much.

Don't know why he missed "acre" or "massacre" or "wiseacre". I've spent more than a few moments pondering that very thing. Guess the "cer" ending wouldn't work becuase the soft c would be brought into play. I wonder if that pissed ol' Danny off? I can just see him seething at his antique-y desk in the light of his beeswax candle, gripping his quill so tight that tiny bits of feather are falling off and getting stuck in the puddle of ink on his foolscap, all because he can't completely eradicate Brithish control over his spelling. Yes, I am a pathetic nerd.

And yes, that expensive private school education taught me SO much.

Posted by: butterstar at February 26, 2005 4:48 PM

Butterstar, it is NATHANIEL, not Daniel Webster, who is responsible for the dictionary and spellings you described.

At least that is what we were taught in public school.


Posted by: mur at February 26, 2005 8:58 PM

Excellent imagery nevertheless, Butterstar.

Posted by: felix at February 27, 2005 7:06 AM

hey when do you come across "flavour" apart from the internet?? you live in America...all spelling is american there, including cinnamon hearts and chocolate bars.

I'm tempted to start a group called "canadians against loose american change" because when I was in the states, if I was buying something and I had like, 95 cents in american, and a canadian nickel in there, the cashier would say "ooh soorrry, we don't accept that nickel." I'm tempted to turn the tables next time an american wants to buy a coffee with his loose change.

Posted by: obsessive at February 27, 2005 8:54 AM

I would vote on the 'dicks & airplanes...which one are you ridin'?' one.

I usually respond with a not much.
upon deep thoughts of it, try
"my personal army"
"your number"
"a new greeting."

Posted by: compulsive at February 27, 2005 8:58 AM

"Possum soup!"
Dave most certainly wins.

I would purposely overuse the colloquialism "What's up?" to prompt humorous responses from Dave.

Colour and flavour are loveable. Cookie translates into an undesirable spelling and a less sugary food item in Britain. This bothers me.

As for the cinnamon argument, it can be resolved by a simple equation: Cinnamon = Tasty.

Posted by: Geraldine Ho at February 28, 2005 12:37 PM

what's up = hello

Posted by: Anonymous at February 28, 2005 3:00 PM

I, Noah Webster, changed the American spelling of "flavor" to its current status. Daniel Webster was a statesman, and I have no idea who this impostor whom you call "Nathaniel Webster" is.

Posted by: Noah Webster at February 28, 2005 6:46 PM

Emmanuel Lewis just called. He spells it "flaver".

Posted by: Felix at March 1, 2005 4:17 AM

Well..applause to me...I just completed reading EVERY COMMENT POSTED! Which by default makes me lame, or else really bored and going against my bosses orders, lol (perhaps both). Anyway, I live in the Caribbean, and here we have an even more annoying spin on the catch phrase in question. Ours is like a hybrid love child of "How are you" and "What's up":
....."Wha' you sayin'?" ....
It has puzzled me since I moved to the Caribbean and I think the answer to it is even more bothersome than the one for "What's up". I play it safe and reply with (get this) "What's up"

Posted by: Vanessa at March 1, 2005 6:58 AM

Well, damn. Now I know for sure that expensive private school edumacation wasn't worth crap. Damn you, Mrs. Jones! You lied to me!

Hey, at least they both lived in Massachusetts and were alive at relatively the same time (and probably both hated the British). Maybe if I had followed through with that expensive education in college (instead of slumming at the state school), I would not have mixed up the names like a dumbass (especially since the private college of my choice was founded by one of these bozos).

I knew I would always regret my choice, but I never knew I would regret it THIS MUCH. Oh, sad day.

Posted by: butterstar at March 2, 2005 3:25 PM

Answer the bomb in the clocktower, then begin the manical laughing!


Posted by: El Bahelazar at March 2, 2005 11:09 PM

Why is everyone so upset about the different ways cultures spell things? I'm sure there are better things to argue about, like who really cares about "what's up"?

"My hand up yer ass if you don't shut yer pie hole!"

Posted by: Whodunit at March 3, 2005 10:15 AM

Q: "What's up?"

A: "Chicken's butt. Pick it up and take a suck."

Somebody's mom taught that to me long, long ago, and I've never had a better answer. I always picture someone putting the pope's nose of a plucked chicken in their mouth and drawing in like it was the mother of all bong-hits.

But that's just me. Sup?

Posted by: Velcro Jesus at March 4, 2005 9:54 PM

The obvious answer to Wassup? is Hey, dude. It works either way. If someone says Hey, dude, to you, you answer wassup? It's leading tone and tonic sort of thing.

Posted by: Mack at March 5, 2005 9:10 PM

The answer to "what's up?" is always 7.

Try it. Enjoy the puzzled look on the other party's face.

Posted by: Justin at March 7, 2005 8:59 AM

One of my favs.

Hard Dicks and Helicopters! : D

Posted by: Jack at March 8, 2005 1:35 PM

Cinnamon flavour is made by distilling Cinnamon particles or "Dust" through the 4 stomachs of a cow. It is extracted by a method known only as "Sporking" the details are a closely guarded secret.

So of course your common or garden Cinnamon "Dust" wont mix with Sporked Cinnamon as the intermediate "Cow" process has not been completed.

Also "Whats up" is simply an outdated American "T-Shirt Slogan" type platitude that has no meaning in the modern world. Other examples include:

"Have a nice day"
"Sh1t happens"
"Vote for Bush"

Lastly - The correct spelling of Flavour (With the "U") comes from the English version invented Circa 1300 by Bertrude Excretia. Upon eating a Chimpanzee he exclaimed "MY I DO BELIEVE THIS HAS A FLAVOUUUUR NOT UNLIKE A BEACH"(sic) the following year 3 of the "U's" were removed for Tax reasons and the modern spelling of the word was born.

I can only surmise that the final "U" has been removed in America for Tax reasons too.

I'm from Scotland... You have Ancestors from Scotland, don't you? DONT YOU???

Posted by: Hootenanny at March 10, 2005 2:03 AM

Nevermind spelling anyway, whats with this crazy...

Aloominum (Pronunciation not spelling cheers)

Everyone know it should be pronounced;

Al-yoo-minny-um - because its spelled Aluminium not Aloominum

Dont get me started on Nucular or when an american fellow "Axed" me a question...

However please remember I'm Scottish and as such my own colloquial idioms are much, much worse than yours.

Ayeminthirsnobeetinthiscoatish accent

Confused? Read some Irvine Welsh and you'll know what i'm on about...


Posted by: Hootenanny at March 10, 2005 6:50 AM

Butterstar, you crack me up!

Posted by: mur at March 10, 2005 7:47 PM

Them: What's Up?
You: Mooooooooooooo (start laughing here) then dance around like a monkey

You could also try the scary movie 3 approach / bud advert

Them: What's Up? (or wasaaaaaap as it was spelt)
You: Chillin', smokin' some bud

Or simply

Them: What's up?
You: Nothing

why is dot co dot uk questionable?

www.blind-summit dot co dot uk

Posted by: Blind-Summit at March 13, 2005 7:14 AM

"What's up?"
Glare evilly and keep on doing whatever it was you were originally doing. Enough evil glares and even the stupidest of the masses will leave you alone.
According to an English professor I know, most of the words with the Us in them were spelled the American way (because that's the way everyone spelled them), and then later Britain and Canada and whatnot wanted to try to get a spelling that was closer to the actual sound of the word than us Americans. The word grey/gray also falls under this category. Because we're lazy, we kept the original spellings.
If I'm wrong, don't blame me, blame my English professor. lol

Posted by: Usagi-chan at April 5, 2005 11:54 AM

I didn't see anybody point THIS out, and I did skim every single freakin' comment in this thingy...

Okay. "Up" is an adverb modifying the vowel "is." Some fellow named Oliver noted above that there isn't a verb in the phrase "What's up?" but indeed there IS a verb, and that verb is IS, but it's a part of a conjunction! C'mon Oliver, pay attention.

Yay! I'm the grammar police! No one's gonna read this, anyway. Poot.

Posted by: kate the great at April 5, 2005 2:31 PM

Damn it. What I meant was...

"Up" is an adverb modifying the *verb* "is."

In my fervor to earn a place on the elite Grammar Police team, I said "vowel" instead of "verb. I hang my head in shame. I'll never make it onto the force now.

Posted by: Kate the Semi-Okay at April 5, 2005 2:33 PM