November 21, 2005

Just Between Us Girls Again

A couple of weeks ago I posted an article written by my buddy Anthony for a now defunct webzine we started in the mid-90s. For this feature Anthony had agreed to try out products intended for women and review them.

I found the 2nd installment, so once again from 1997-ish straight to you...

The times they are a-changing. More chicks are smoking cigars and the ladies of the WNBA are cheered on by hundreds of fans. That's great, we just want to keep things equal.

So while women explore worlds previously dominated by men, Anthony walks on the softer side - sampling products intended only for feminine consumption.

* * * * *

Ah, SECRET, the ultimate challenge in my little gender-bending experiment. Sure, it's made for a woman, but is it really "strong enough for a man," as the fine folks at Proctor and Gamble so cleverly boast?

I decided to challenge P&G's bravado by testing Secret in the toughest environment I could think of -- a November bar crawl in Midtown Manhattan. Hot, crowded bars, lots of alcohol, and plenty of encounters with members of the opposite sex. Surely, if SECRET could hold up under these conditions it would get my seal of approval.

After showering, I toweled off, careful to remove any moisture from the normally murky quagmires that are my armpits. When I had reached optimum dryness, I opened the SECRET and prepared to apply it. The packaging, much like that of NEET, was decidedly feminine. The bottle itself was shaped in such a way as to hint at a woman's figure. And the color itself was a pale blue pastel, though it was absent of the pink that usually seeps onto anything positioned as feminine.

I took off the cap and was somewhat frightened by the dry, roller ball apparatus that sat eagerly at the top of the bottle. Surely, this dry ball would snag some of my underarm hair when I tried to roll it on. But because I'm tough as nails, and I'll do anything for this webzine -- I went ahead and began rolling it on.

It was wet and slimy, leaving an uncomfortable, slippery feeling on my underarms for over an hour. Once the sliminess went away, however, I was ready to tackle the challenge of the Midtown bar crawl scene.

We arrived in Manhattan and had to walk about 15 blocks in the frigid, late November air. This would be the ultimate test -- walking quickly in the cold, then repairing to the warmth of the first bar. When we got to the first bar, it was packed with drunks, and I immediately removed my coat because of the heat. This change in temperature made me sweat profusely on my forehead. But alas, my underarms stayed dry. Even the sliminess did not return. But the most important thing of all, was that I still smelled like the stallion I aspire, (or perspire) to be. Strong enough for a man, indeed.

DOES IT WORK FOR A MAN: You're damn right it does. In fact, I am proud to say that it has made its way into my regular rotation. More accurately, SECRET has become sort of like the relief pitcher in my deodorant bullpen, when I'm running out of the more manly stuff, and I need some protection in the clutch. The only thing keeping me from using it on a regular basis is the slimy undercoating I have to endure for the first hour after application. Still, SECRET gets my unequivocal thumbs up. As for the age-old question of whether SECRET is in fact, PH balanced, well...I'll leave that up to some other brave soul. I ain't sticking litmus paper in any orifice of my body, thank you very much.

I've spoken to Anthony, and he is happy to do more of these again. If you have any product suggestions, let me know.

Click here for The Sneeze Home Page!
Posted by Steven | Archive