September 23, 2005
I've absorbed quite a bit of train knowledge from the avalanche of train videos my son watches. Now that you know this, I'm sure you're all wondering, "Steve, what's your favorite train part?"
Quite frankly, I think that's a little forward and odd of you, but whatever...
My favorite train part is officially:
It's this pointy beast mounted on the front of the engine, and it's designed to prevent train wrecks caused by cows wandering onto the tracks.
I would desperately love to see one of these things delicately "catch" a cow out of harm's way-- as the train barrels down the tracks at 70 miles per hour.
As wonderful as the name is, here's a few more alternates that I'm hoping catch on...
- The Burger Maker
- The Cow Popper
- The Moo-tilater
Got another name? The comment board is NOW CLOSED.
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Posted by Steven | Archive
WOOHOO! First comment!
A Bovine Blaster?
I like "The Cow Plow" for being both accurate and alliterative.
how bout the " Mooooooooooove the hell out the way, here comes a train thing"?
How about the "Ruminate-wrecker" or the "Bovine-buster"?
The Udderly Devastating Beef Buster
maybe something more simple, like "THE SPLAT-ULA"
The ground beef
The udder disaster
How about burger flipper?
How about the Cow Catapult or the Bovine Bandy?
the cow-a-pult....a butcher's best friend
Close BAJ the Cow-tapult
Cow on a Stick
Ruggedized Rapid Bovine Displacement System!
Since it will move any animal out of the way, including those dump sleeping sheep,
I go for Livestock alarm clock.
I'm going to have to second JohnO's 'Meat Tenderizer'. Ever so effective.
If you're gonna go the catapult route I think it has to be the "Cattlepult".
the "suicidal cow's answer to prayer"???
The "Cattlepult" is so awesome. You know I love you guys, right?
Agreed on the Cattlepult, my brain is too fried today to have seen the obvious.
And if you look at my 2nd choice Josh, that is what "Adolf's" is.... a Meat Tenderizer. ;)
How about "The Bull Whacker"? It's the historical name for the guy on the stage coach that whipped the crap out of the cows. It think it's much better suited for the train though.
Taking a cue from VW, how about
"Front End Bovine Safety System."
It also resembles a prow on ancient galleys (does anyone know the name of that piece of equipment?) so... RAMMING SPEED!
Okay, I'm done now!
Steak, It's Whats for Dinner!
The Bull Whip
The Steer Smear(er)
The Grazer Taser
The name and design tell me this:
Colored a vibrant RED to alert the animal in advance!
Cow is gently pushed to safety and caught by the soft grass mere feet away!
Slotted design to reduce any potential left-over residue!
Think of it as a gentle hug for a cow!
Way to make the name sound harmless... you, whoever invented that name!
Along with all of the responses, a much more appropriate name would definetly be:
PREPARE TO GET SPEARED WITH A GIANT, RED, SLOTTED TRIANGE.
The Spear for short.
Up in Alastucky we call those things "Moose Goosers".
The Angus Fang
The Longhorn Pronghorn
The Ungulate Plunger
The Guernsey Gurney
The New York Strip
The Bovid Flailing Hereford Whaling Rumproast Sailing Taurus Baling Beef Impaling Front-grill Railing!
The Cow Chucker
The Bull Crapper
Big Mac Attacker
Quarter Pounder Pounder
Yowie Cow Owie
Cudd-thudder. (or Udder thudder)
(all the good ones -- already taken)
I meant CALF raiser. But, of course you knew that.
I love the slat-ula and meat tenderizer. I would have to say vaca batidor (cow beater in spanish)
KuhcKlopfer is cow beater in german... hahahaha its cooler sounding in other languanges
from what is now apparently the most violent country in the world can i suggest the Coo-Pelter
in case you didnt guess its scotland, it is apparently. we wouldnt even hurt a fly, i mean how much money is a fly gonna have on it?
The Udder Rudder
The Bull Blaster
Ooh! How 'bout the simple, yet ellegant, Cow Cutter? Or possibly Moo mincer? Bull Blocker? Bovine Breaker? Calf Killer? Bull Breaker? Steak Slicer? Buger Maker? How about Cow-iee (think owiee)? MESS MAKER!!!
The Steak and Gravy Train
The Camryn Manheim Steamroller
The Ronco® Insta-Burger
The George Forman Grill, Deluxe Train Edition
The Cattle Battle Rattle
The Moo-t Point
The Super Badass and Mega-Deadly Stainless Steel Grizzly Cow Death Impaler
or just plain old "dinner" or the dinner bell
"PREPARE TO GET SPEARED WITH A GIANT, RED, SLOTTED TRIANGLE."
haha good one Alex. Nothing like the obvious....
"Red triangle of catapulting death"
Cheese Curdler (maybe only obvious Cheese Heads)
J-Rod 3000 Wins teh internets with the "Ronco Insta-Burger"
I got two.
1. The Pre-shoehorn.
2. Power Steering.
um, no fancy name here.
but we used to call the "brush guard" on the front my Isuzu a cow-catcher.
not once did it catch a cow. kept dropping them.
I'd scream, "keep your eye on the damn cow!" But at the last minute my Isuzu would always chicken out.
NARD! Where on earth did you find that glorius toy set?!
we love you too steve???
and yea... im no creative
Fine use of Googling for the pic stevo!
Pointy red thing that kills and kills.
To steal a line from VW The Front End Pedestrian Safety System. Now if I could only teach that damned cow to catch a football.
The Shake-n-Baker Undertaker
The Ginsu 2000 Cow Carver Steak Knife (as seen on TV!)
The Happy Fun Lucky Point
Steer shear. Goat gouger. Meals on wheels. Steer divider.
If only there were a spear instead of a ramp, I guess, or not. I suppose you hit one just right, you'd get a shishkebob . . . I'm going to hell, or coming back as a sleepy cow on the tracks or something, oh . . . .
I'd call it "Phineas P. Fudgebutter the 3rds' Patent-pending Angus Re-situater". Yeah that's the ticket...
The bessie bayonette
The T-bone trebuchet
What a load of bull Shift.... da dum tssh
the spatula. it IS flipping it after all.
This brings to mind an episode of "Steve, Don't Eat It!" Does anybody remember "mechanically separated chicken"? Is this how one would mechanically separate beef?
Speaking of Steve dont Eat it - will you be eating something you shouldn't in the near future? Not that I'm sadistic much, but you know - it's always good for a chuckle.
cattlepult (noun) safety device on a train that works by steering bovine obstructions.
Given that the odds of hitting livestock are much less these days than when it was originally invented, I'm thinking a name that reflects the times.
The Hobo Heaver
Hows about the cow-a-bungler!
Big Mac Attack
Carl's Junior Six Dollar Slaughter
Beaf Stripper/Jerker/or Grinder)
...That's all I've got for now.
HAHAHAHA, ya like that Alex? Thank you for the compliment:)
nard, he was quoting my comment:)
FEAR THE SPEAR
The Beef Basher
hee hee, cows
locomotives still have 'cow catchers', although we don't call them that anymore... we try not to discriminate. Think of how the bears, and moose, and ducks, and deer, and all the other woodland creatures feel. What the hell did the stupid cows do to have the red plow of death named after them! BASTARDS!!!
i was going to say cow plow, but dave said it towards the top. i would howerver like to point out that cow plow is not alliteration, it is rhyming. but some other good ones might be:
How about The Beef-Inducer?
or Thomas the Destroyer of Innocent Life Engine.
How about hooking it up to your car and it could be the pedestrian pusher?
Great Big Wrought Iron High Speed Bovine Enema
The Cow Jumped Over the Mooner
I'm thinking Moo Moover
Thanks for the education. Never knew what that part of the train was for!
The Moo Mincer
The Ol' Betsy Beater
The Grim Mooper
Well, I only want to add "the Scarlet O'Hara" because of the scene in "Gone with the Wind" where she beats her horse to death. I know it's a different animal all together, but the imagery is very similar.
Byron - I love "moo-moo-choo-choo-boo-hoo" it's hilarious!
isn't it assonance?
I think its painted red for a reason. You know how people purchase brown cars because they hide the dirt well? The Cattlepult is red for that same reason.
I think it would look better with a big smily face that says "Have a Nice Day" on the front.
I vote for The Moo-tilater. I don't think I can top that
I always thought that thing was just for show... now that I know what its for, I feel like eating some beef.
the Meat Wagon, like in football
Gravy Grid (part of the gravy train ofcourse)
or the new dollar menu item at McDonalds,
the McMeatwhich, and I'm sure it's prepared the same way as everything else
How about the M.O.A.B.B.
"Mother Of All Beef Bats"
As in, "I've got to run to Pep Boys to pick up a train bra for the MOABB."
How about the Angus Thud!
I like to call it the Toss-bossie. D
The cattlepult is a triumph in both esthetic and linguistic terms.
I submit my humble suggestions in awe!
That? The name for that is "costs about $700 extra after 'massage' at Choo-Choo's S&M-porium".
Bob Dylan once sang a song titled "It Takes a Lot To Laugh It Takes a Train To Cry." I guess truer words were never spoken to a cow. Of course Dylan also made that "Blood On The Tracks" Album. Maybe he knew about the Cow Catcher.
A few more: In N Out of the burger. Burger Sting.
Indian Cow-wow. Bovine-al Tap. 'Meat' me on the train. Moo-ter Rooter. Silver Meat (It's a movie reference; I'm kinda stretchin' here). Smells Like Meat Spirit.
how about the cure to Mad Cow disease
another one: Woah Bessie.
The Moo-tilater is the greatest name ever.
Tossie Bossie--too funny! snerk!
Well the Amtrak trains must not have any of these because on my last cross country trip we were delayed for several hours because the train hit a cow...if only it had captured it and released it...
My vote is in for cyberhobo's fancy little rhyme : The Bovid Flailing Hereford Whaling Rumproast Sailing Taurus Baling Beef Impaling Front-grill Railing!
anyone interested in knowing why cows and other creatures don't fair too well when confronted by 'cow catchers', or if curious about trains in general, check out www.trains.com.
I can tell you this... animals don't stand a chance (unless you're an elephant?).
Any one of you ever watched the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
In Russia they do things differently
Russian Train Passengers Slaughter Cows After Train Accident - http://www.mosnews.com/news/2005/09/13/cowtrain.shtml
"Steve, don't eat this cow after it's just been blasted by this pointy thing on the front of the train"?
WOW .. Steve, you are in the company of some total genii on this website ! Cattlepult - Brilliant. Moo-tilator - fantastic. Best one yet - The Grill hahahahahaha.
As for me :
The Cattle Rattler
The Cow Halfer (could be shortened to the Calfer!)
The Daisy Raiser
Anyone say, the Bovine Harvester?
as in - combine - no?
Beef Jerky... I was just pissed I didn't get here sooner. Damn work getting in the way of all this fun..
Those cows can indeed get mad about it though.
1. Instant Fajitas
2. The Bovine Boinker
3. The Little Engine That Could KICK THAT COW'S ASS!
4. The Ground Chuck Chucker
5. The Beefinator
6. The Longhorn Lance
7. The Martha Stewart Collection Meat Destroyer 3000 - only at K-Mart!
my guess is the cow catcher is not there to protect the cow, it's there to get the damn thing off the track so the train can move..generally though, I don't think a cow would enjoy the experience..you never see mother cows throwing the calves up in the air and catching them, so my guess is Cows don't like to be thrown around...just my humble opinion My favorite name for the thing
And, since cows may or may not be the only four-legged's traipsing around near traintracks...
Whole Cow Meat Tenderizer
Bovine Orphan Maker
Cattle Colon Cleanser
or... the Lethal Cattle Enema
I think Hamburger Hater is appropriate or depending on the type of bovine, the Jersey Sure.
Sorry Tabitha I was having a bad brain day. ;)
/loves the name Tabitha
Okay, not a cow I know. Pigs might wander onto train tracks too.
Man, these have had me laughing non-stop. Okay, so here's a different take:
Casey Jones' Moustache
If you aren't familiar with Casey Jones, go here - he's the most famous train engineer of all time. And the device does look a bit like a moustache, no?
Wow, that's alot of them. Sorry if I repeat by accident.
The Airborne Angus
The messy bessie
or the cattle-yst
Also, I'm quite curious as to the Tree Brain Pilfer Caper's resolution. Crazy Tree Brain Eating Lady with the Yellow Paper of
I do love the aforementioned Messy Bessie.
Here are my submissions.
The fantastic Cow-sploder
The Moo moo molester
The moo-moo splatter
(you know- poo poo platter)
Sorry Alex! Didn't realize you were a girl.. obviously the name threw me off. I still smile@ the hysterical laughing in response to my comment!
And, to quote NARD,
:Sorry Tabitha I was having a bad brain day. ;)
/loves the name Tabitha
Posted by nard at September 26, 2005 10:43 AM "
LOL it's okay .. and thank you:)
I um..... love your name too..... lol
Unless that really IS your name, in which case that was really mean and cruel and i actually do love it!
Add a little heat to the cow catcher and call it:
The Foreman Grill
Ha ha Steve, you really fooled 'em this time. Everyone knows that that 'thing' is not a cow clearing device but a snow plough, used for clearing ice and snow. Ask anyone who's au fait with Thomas the Tank Engine.
But you got a laugh getting all those city slckers/illiterates to make up names for your cow plough.
I've always known it as a "cow puncher"
PK - it's not a snow plow, it's a a cowcatcher. Look
nope, really is a Cow Catcher.
listen here mr. PK moto moto. We ain't illigiemate, y'hear??
and it's "slickers," not "slkers."
et, s'il vous plait, ne parle pas francais parce que tu n'est pas un person meilleure parce que tu parles deux langues.
just so everyone doesn't point out some hypocritical misspelling, i neglected to add a [sic] on the first line there.
my heartiest appologies.
the grammatical blunders were for effect.
unless, the more probable; no one cares...in which case i'll hush.
How about Move Over Butter?
Hamburger Git Along?
1. The Daisy Cutter (http://www.cuddlycollectibles.com/TY/ty_beanie_babies_farm_animals.htm)
2. The Milk Shaker
3. The Boviscerator
4. H.S.B.R.D - High-speed Bovine Relocation Device
any "Mc" name will do very well.
The Unhappy Ending?
heh, Tabitha the real name is Steve, but that was already taken by you know who.
Official name is Nard_Bagman but that was a bit long so I just used nard for this site.
Bovine Destruction Related Program Activities
Beef Cow Pain
Boogie Down Bruck-Up Beef
The Steer Spear
Chop A LOT Milk Make
The Cow Ow
The Cow Poacher
Or... Chop A LOT Milk Shake
Okay... that's enough!!! I have to stop thinking about this. It's eliminating all of the useful facts & knowledge I have stored in my brain and replacing them with all of the above. Not good...
Cow A Go-Go
The Bovine Butt-Plug
The Heffer Head-ache
The Hugh Heffer
Steak on a Stick
No More on the New York Strip
Menace a Cow
(menage trois...okay, I'm stretching, but come on you people have been at this for a week already...sheesh)
Steve, as always, you SO Rock!
StarChilde definitely loves the "Cattlepult" and that's the one she places her vote on!
Steve, that brainknapper/cannibal is such a bitch. That was some illegal action she performed. If she comes back, call the cops, or put her under citizens arrest. Then, once you catch her, sue her for me. She has caused me severe emotional distress. My condolences. On the bright side, there appears to be some residual fungus left on the tree. Maybe fungi can regrow body parts. And lady, if you're reading this, i fart in your general direction.
Really, that woman deserves to die (if she hasn't already), for eating the Tree Brain. Such a crime is on-par with murder. Hopefully, the Brain will be able to assume control of her body and return to you, Steve.
The Amazing Ronco, Steam Spatula
Mr moto moto (ass)
If you knew anything at all, you would know that a snow plow works best if it doesn't have gaps in it... you know, so the snow doesn't go THROUGH the plow? That would kind of negate the effect of actually plowing the snow out of the way, don't you think? And although 'cow catchers' are useful for more than gently nudging bovine from the tracks, 'cow catcher' is a name that railways still use. And yes I know that modern 'cow catchers' are made of 1-2" thick steel in the shape of a snow plow (good at plowing snow and steers), so you don't have to tell me.
Thank you for proving how smrt (SMRT!) you are.
How 'bout "Hamburger Hurter"?
...or maybe "Wendy", cause you know, where's the beef?
On another tangent, for whose benefit are these euphemisms? The cows'? They never listen.
I am mortified that I overlooked the delicious double entendre of "Utter Terror/ Udder Tearer".
I am such a boob.
No fancy name but how about the heated version that grills whatever it picks up. Pretty handy for those "tailgaters" on the side rail waiting on the other train to pass.
BTW, $12.99 for a Sneeze mug? That will get you a whole lot of silkworm pupas (great job on vol. 9).
Not sure of it's proper name, but I'm POSITIVE I've seen George Foreman selling it on tv!
The STEAK SLINGER
The STEAK SPEAR
The BOVINE CLOTHESLINE
The EERIE SMEARIE
The GREAT 86-ER
The BOVINE LINEBACKER
The LOCO SPLATULA
How about The Aggie Adjuster?
or PETA's Next Crusade?
Thanks seymour bibbons,I Havent Heard "Fart In Your General Direction" For A While.Once Again, Thank You.
The Cow Runner Over
The Captain Insano(He Shows No Mercy)