Every other item I see advertised is "breathtaking." We live in a world that constantly promises to take my breath, and yet my lungs are filled with loads of breath, still there for the taking. It sucks.

Just once I would like an item to be so special, so magical, that I was literally left gasping on the floor for air. I'm sure I'd buy it on the spot.

Although, now that I think about it, the last thing I can remember having that effect was Matt Capone's fist punching me in the stomach when I was 11. And that also sucked.

Either way, I've thrown together a small collection of items on Amazon that continue to promote this rampant false claim. If any of these products end up taking your breath, please let me know. I reviewed them all very carefully and found my vital signs to remain stable.

Maybe I'll have better luck being rendered senseless when I search for all the items that are "stunning."

Behold...
Amazon's Breathtaking Collection of Lies.
(Except for you Matt, you dickweed.)