December 2005 Archives

It's been a long time since I've updated the Global Schoolyard Rhyme Project.

If this section isn't your favorite, feel free to simply enjoy the sweet logo from my genius illustratin' pal, S. Britt. (And feel free to suck the royal sack.)

Here's 3 new entries...

FRANCE

T’as les boules
T’as les glands
T’as les crottes de nez qui pendent

English Translation

You have balls
You have glands
You have a nose booger that hangs

Sent by: Kate

* * * *

INDIA
(Language: Malayalam
Spoken in the Kerala province in south India
(and the only language whose name is a palnidrome)

Mazha peyyunnu
Maddalam kottunnu
Maraante achikku
Thooran muttunnu

English Translation

It's raining
The drummer is drumming
The drummer's wife
Must take a shit

Sent by: Sierra

* * * *

SYRIA (in Arabic)

Ahky Engleezy
Ilhaas teezy

English Translation

I speak English
Lick my ass

Sent by: Ron

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!
Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct english translation

My son kicked ass on Christmas eve. Santa showed up in person and the boy really surprised me by showing no fear.

When I heard Santa might be stopping by, I thought it wouldn't go well because the big guy also showed up at some kid's party he was at last week and at that appearance my son pretended to be asleep on a trampoline until he was gone.

But on Christmas Eve the planets aligned and in front of 24 people my son decided to chat it up with the fat man. Santa made some silly comment and said "Santa's funny." My son said, "Yeah, I'm funny too! You wanna hear a joke?"

I was instantly excited by this, but he came out with one that he had clearly learned somewhere... "What do you call a vampire whose car broke down? -- A cab!" Everyone laughed, but I was secretly disappointed because it wasn't one of his own surreal zingers.

Basically, Christmas was ruined.

But then..."You wanna hear another one?!" my son said.

"Of course!" Santa replied.

"Ummm.... ummm.... Why did the spoon... throw glass on the ceiling?"

Yes! My wife and I were quietly psyched. Not only was he talking to Santa, but he was about to unload a spontaneous insane joke in front of everyone.

(Invisi-Punchline Technology -
HIGHLIGHT ANSWER TO REVEAL)

Q: "Why did the spoon throw glass on the ceiling?"

A: "Because the plate was a TV!"

He delivered the punchline hard and the crowd responded with about 4 seconds of confused silence. It was fantastic.

Then Santa let out a loud "HO HO HO!" and everyone else joined in laughing. And just like that, Christmas was saved.

(You can find more Jokes from the Booster Seat here.)

I'm off to do the whole Christmas thing. We'll see if my kids have another secret diabolical plan this year.

Have a joyful and triumphant holiday, everybody!

_{The art above comes courtesy of Steve, Don't Eat It! logo creator, Nishant Choksi.}

I received the following weird email...

So there's been something going on at my house that seems sort of up your alley. I was washing the windows at my house on the outside because they were rather unclean. I got to the last one that I was going to clean, which was the one next to/near my front door, and I noticed that there was some duct tape stuck to the window. I had no idea what it was doing there, and it didn't seem to be serving any purpose, so I removed it. Stuck to the tape once I removed it was one quarter.

I have no idea what it was doing there, but the tape left a kind of gluey residue on the window, so it seems like it had been there for a long time. A couple of days ago, I came home, and went to unlock my front door, when I saw the work of (presumably) the same assailant who had left the quarter. There was a quarter, a nickel, and a Canadian quarter fastened to my door with electrical tape... any idea what's going on here? Maybe some help from your loyal readers could shed some light on the situation.

Honestly, it's kind of creepy.

-BW

Well, I have no idea. Maybe each week something weirder is going to happen until it all becomes brilliantly clear? Or maybe it has something to do with Google Ads. Every once in a while they give me 55 cents, too.

The comment board is now closed.

I am not a connoisseur of fine wine, but I do know this: If your wine has an orange label and monkeys on it, I'm drinking it. And then possibly eating the bottle.

Christ, they're even playing bongos. What more do you people need?!

There is a Nokia commercial running right now...

This woman, Jill (who I understand is a real person and not an actress), is trying very hard to impress me with how she broke up with her boyfriend, David. She laughs with glee about how she deleted him from her cell phone, and refers to him as "David who?"

Every time the commerical ends I can just hear the director yelling "Cut!" and Jill bursting into uncontrollable tears.

To see Jill in action, go here and click on her floating image.

Boy, I would love to talk to David and hear his side of the break-up.

Last week I posted this picture of just one of the trains my 5-year-old son scratched into the frosted glass door of our recently remodeled bathroom.

I decided to interview him about this new art form.

Armed with a tape recorder and an index card of questions, I returned with him to the scene of the crime.

The following is a transcript of his real, word-for-word answers...

Congratulations to Chris, Kellin, Dave, Megan and Genny for winning prizes in the Bacon Bandage, Bigfoot and Avenging Unicorn giveaway! Everybody won Bacon Bandages, Megan also won the Bigfoot action figure (complete with rubber stamp footprints) and Dave won the grand prize of all 3.

Thanks so much to everyone who entered. And most importantly, I would like to thank the Archie McPhee company for providing (and inventing!) these prizes in the first place.

Check them out right now at www.mcphee.com to load up on some fun holiday weirdness. Go on, do it!

Hi, all. I'm still sick and yesterday's 16 hour work day didn't help much.

Thanks for all your nice emails. I hope I'll be feeling better by the weekend and can get back to putting up a little more on the site.

I was in the shower this morning and my 2-year-old (not the train artist) started pounding on the door. I reached over and opened it and he was standing there in his pajamas holding a toy cup of pretend tea he made for me. It was the sweetest thing ever. Until I said "Can't you see I'm in the fucking shower?! Jesus Christ, can I get 2 minutes alone in this house?!!"

I kid. That cup of pretend tea is going to get me through the day.

I'm sitting here in the dark wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, wrapped in a blanket and shivering.

If you haven't been sick in awhile, I can assure you that it still sucks balls. (Nasty old-man ones, to be specific.)

I've been laying low and don't have much to say at the moment. But I do have a fun riddle for you:

Q: What kind of drawing can you not hang on your refrigerator?

A: The kind your son permanently scratches into the frosted glass door of your recently remodeled bathroom.

I failed to see the humor in it, too. (I put some black paper behind it to bring out the fine detail of his work.) This isn't the only thing on the door. It's more of a mural that goes as high as his little arms can reach.

When I'm feeling better I'll try to conduct an interview with the artist about this this new form of art that makes Daddy sad.